Sophie's Choice

Less is definitely more for I Am Fabulous this week, as a little too much of a good time was had by all at the opening of Soho House’s latest venture, High Road House. I would never have thought it possible to have too much champagne, but I did thoroughly enjoy the process of proving myself wrong. Even the very mention of the word has made me come over all delicate and fragile today. Clearly that won’t last for long and my love of the bubbly stuff will swiftly return, but in the meantime it’s dark glasses and comfort food to the ready as my body attempts to metabolise crates of the stuff.

I had a fine old time nosing around Chiswick’s latest media and luvvie haunt with my friend Sandra, sampling the food, checking out all the bars and even casting off our shoes to quality-test the velvet-lined chill-out room and the late-night vibe from the resident DJ. Perhaps a little less fizz as fuel might have been the wiser option, but who can be bothered with sagacity when the corks are a-popping?

Rule one for my post-party recovery routine is to be gentle with myself, so apart from the usual gallons of water and fizzy vitamins – an Australian trade secret for pesky hangovers – the order of the day is to spend it only with people you really like and then to veg out in front of some seriously rubbish TV so that nothing can even remotely tax the brain. I have to admit to going a bit upmarket with an old episode of Sex And The City today, but normally my weapon of choice for this affliction would be something as brain-numbingly appalling as Love Island.

Much as I loathe reality TV, this one is an armchair psychologist’s dream – and I’m only talking about Sophie Anderton, let alone any of the others. For the benefit of those of who have not been exposed to this show, it’s a thinly-veiled popularity contest between not particularly well-known people in the public eye – I just cannot bring myself to call them celebrities – under the guise of matching them up to see who will find love while they're cooped up together on a tropical island for a few weeks. This year’s crop is a motley crew of actors, dancers, singers and even relatives of famous people – proving that even a very tenuous link to fame is enough to get you on the box these days – with a Playboy centrefold and a nutter from Jackass thrown in for good measure.

In the self-appointed role of presiding over the madness is the model Sophie Anderton, who is the poster girl for insecurity, control issues and lack of self-esteem. Sometimes I have to watch the screen through my outstretched hands because I am wincing so painfully at what I’m witnessing. Here is an extraordinarily beautiful girl, with a very successful modelling career, who has battled addiction and come out on top, yet she is dissembling right before our eyes just because there’s a man in the picture. It’s a horrifying thing to watch someone send themselves into a complete tailspin of fear and self-doubt, especially when we can see so clearly how much of this drama is obviously a product of her own mind.

Her obsession with the former Boyzone singer, Shane, has taken on a fantasy life of its own, so much so that there’s an entire relationship going on in her head that has absolutely no foundation in reality. She analyses every action and reaction he has, to fuel her belief that the feelings are mutual, and comes up with conclusions that support that delusion. As Freud once said, “intelligence will be used in the service of the neurosis” and Sophie is demonstrating that for us in technicolour more and more each day. Watching her is cringeworthy, not because we want to judge or demean her for her behaviour, but because in our heart of hearts we all know we’ve been there at some time or another. We’ve all had a mad crush, misinterpreted a person’s signals or suddenly lost our confidence when we’ve met someone to whom we’re powerfully attracted. These circumstances are all symptomatic of a flaw in our own self-esteem, where it is based more on what others think of us than what we think of ourselves.

Sophie is reflecting back to us the truth that regardless of your accomplishments, talents or physical attractiveness, if your self-worth is based on external validation by other people’s reactions to you, then it is nothing but a house of cards that will collapse under the slightest touch. If there is a gaping hole at the heart of who you think you are, nothing from the outside will be enough to fill it and you will run around endlessly trying to get people to love you so that you can feel OK about yourself. The most painful part of this truth is the paradox that the compulsive behaviour to chase love is exactly what repels it.

You can watch that in action every night as this particular Sophie and Shane drama unfolds – the more she clutches at straws and tries to grab his attention, the more he withdraws from her. Neediness is never a good look on a man or a woman. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is a gender thing either. The same attraction-repulsion dynamic was being played out at the same time by another pair, Lee and Bianca, this time with the guy playing the needy role. Needless to say, that wasn’t a match made in heaven either.

If you take responsibility for building your own self-worth, then this kind of needy behaviour will simply fall away as you learn to validate yourself from the inside and not from external sources. This means seeing yourself and others as they are, not as idealised images, and learning to have a kind and loving internal dialogue. We’ve covered a lot of techniques for how to do this in past pieces, so here’s just a quick refresher:

· You are your own harshest critic, so learn to be gentle in the way you speak to yourself about your body, your talents, your behaviour and your accomplishments.

· Self-attack is never helpful. Seeing yourself clearly and compassionately is constructive. Using every little opportunity to belittle yourself is not. If another person attacks you angrily, do you feel like taking their suggestion on board? Remember that your inner self doesn’t react well to that kind of approach either.

· Focus on what you like about yourself, embrace it and then learn to be comfortable with loving that about yourself. The more you learn to like yourself, the more others will too. People who are relaxed with themselves are fun to be around and very attractive.

· Remember your successes on both the personal and professional levels and drink them in until you’re comfortable with feeling good about yourself. It’s tougher than you think to drop the socially-endorsed self-deprecating behaviour and learn to be completely OK with thinking well about who you are, so gathering evidence of past and current success will help.

· Most importantly, cut yourself some slack. This is not about fixing yourself or needing to improve yourself, it’s about remembering that you’re perfectly fine as you are and learning to accept that. That’s all you need do. Your self-worth is not based on the size of your thighs, it’s not about what you do for a living and it isn’t even related to who fancies you. It’s utterly and completely about how much compassion and acceptance you can have for yourself and how willing you are to know that you’re lovable without having to do, be or say anything in particular. Just you. You’re enough.

Finally, the mantra of the week, in honour of Sophie’s willingness to expose her deluded view of herself and her situation to us all is “I am willing to see things as they are”. Where in your life are you not seeing yourself clearly – and, let me remind you again, do not use this as an opportunity for self-attack, but rather to look at yourself lovingly and objectively – or not seeing someone or something else clearly? Is there a situation where your desire for a particular outcome is clouding your judgement? If you were really willing to see the truth about it, what would that mean? Are you deluding yourself in some way – either by going into fantasy about someone else or not paying attention to the reality of what you have to offer?

Remember that external validation is fun and uplifting – who doesn’t love a compliment? – but that’s not a healthy foundation for your self-worth. It needs to rest on the rock of your own self-love and self-acceptance. Be compassionate with yourself as you notice how much you might be seeking approval from others and spare a kind thought for Sophie as you do. Like the rest of us, she’s doing the best she can with the self-awareness that she has, and is helping us all to see how our unhealed places of self-judgement can cause us so much pain. When we can see ourselves clearly, without attack, half the battle is already done. When awareness dawns, healing is never far behind.

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 24 Jul 06)