Stupid Cupid



The annual insanity-fest is back – yes, we’re looking down the barrel at Valentine’s Day madness again! Anything that can be made remotely heart-shaped will be – up to and including personal topiary of the intimate kind, if you get my drift – and anything not nailed down will be painted red or adorned with a cupid, allegedly in an homage to romance. We are living in very strange times …

If aliens were to observe this bizarre ritual, they would pick up some mighty strange ideas about love on earth. For a start, they’d probably wonder why we’ve institutionalised romance to the extent that a schmaltzy Hallmark greeting card, a sub-standard set meal in a characterless restaurant and a gift of ghastly lingerie could be considered a declaration of affection rather than an insult. They’d also be likely to wonder why getting it wrong on this particular day of the year could completely overshadow an entire 364 days of good relationship behaviour, engendering ongoing rows and simmering hostilities for weeks – and sometimes years – to come.

When the commercial machinery has taken over and the day no longer has any real relevance, then it’s just too weird an experience to get excited about. So that’s why I’m delighted to have found the perfect resource for those who are suitably disenchanted by the prospect of yet another stupid cupid extravaganza – the website Be My Anti-Valentine, found at www.meish.org/vd. You know it’s going to be a little edgy when it kicks off with “Valentine’s Day is like herpes: just when you think it’s gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.”

At Be My Anti-Valentine, there’s a fabulous selection of smart-ass e-cards, succinctly making the point that VD traditions are simply romance-lite for the emotionally lazy. Here are a few of my favourites, just awaiting delivery:

“Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like saturated fat and slutty lingerie.”

“I have feelings for you but I thought I’d let this card do all the work because I haven’t got sufficient imagination or energy to let you know in my own words.”

“OK I bought you the flowers, gave you the chocolates and sent you the card. Now do I get a shag?”

But the pièce de resistance is the one that reveals the dark secret that lies at the heart of the VD obsession …

“This is just to let you know that although I always say that Valentine’s Day is stupid and meaningless and commercial and all that, if you don’t get me something really nice, I’m going to go into a massive huff for weeks and tell all my friends how utterly crap you are and they’ll glare at you witheringly every time they see you for at least the next six months. Yes, I’m a f***ing hypocrite. Any questions?”

I have one final little VD treat for you – a video of cupid doing his best to entertain the punters. It’s pole-dancing, but not as we know it …

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEEEhO8f_YI

If you like the little dude, you can check out his rapping style at

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxQYYx07mQk&mode=related&search

or see him being pursued by a very unhappy customer at

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eklqCXOw-II&mode=related&search


Happy Anti V-Day!


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 12 Feb 07)