Enjoying the delicious pleasures of frappuccinos and cupcakes with a friend on a rare sunny London weekend, we got to talking about how some of life’s experiences strike you in ways you’d never have expected. Even the good ones can be tinged with sadness or loss, that – to me – doesn’t take away from their extraordinary beauty, but gives them a depth that you only come to respect when life has turned around and bitten you once or twice.
The ex-monk and psychotherapist, Thomas Moore, devotes an entire chapter of his book, Dark Nights Of The Soul, to what he calls dark beauty. He stresses the beauty to be found in darkness, stating “Beauty is to the soul what truth and fact are to the mnd. The beauty of a thing is its depth and meaning being revealed. To perceive that beauty, you need any eye for both appearances and the invisible radiance of a thing. You also need the capacity to be affected. But many people walk through life defended against all positive influences. They are not open to the invitations and messages coming at them every turn. They wonder why life feels empty and meaningless, when the problem is not the absence of meaning but their blindness and deafness to it.”
As much as we can learn to appreciate the beauty in darkness, we also need to be awake to the darkness that lies within beauty. All transitions in life, however positive, are processes of change, where we let go of one condition in order to allow another in. Any movement or commitment involves loss – by choosing one option, we are letting others go. By moving to the next stage, we are releasing what came before. Transitions imply mixed emotions, so to ignore the dark in favour of the light is to cut off from a part of ourselves that needs acknowledgement.
One of the most vivid illustrations of those kinds of mixed emotions came from a friend a few days after she’d given birth. Although delighted to have a healthy baby to hold, she talked about how she needed to adjust to considering this external creature as ‘her baby’, when for nine months it had been something inside her. It wasn’t a simple transition and it took a little while for her feelings to settle. When they did, I’m sure it was in a large part due to her willingness to be totally honest with herself and acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings in a time that is generally considered to be a wholly positive one. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the space to feel what is there, rather than what you think you should be feeling.
Other times, the beauty within a good relationship seems clouded by conflict, yet the conflict itself is leading you on to a greater depth of authenticity and intimacy. As the authors, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, reveal in Receiving Love, developing intimacy is merely a theoretical goal until you have a chance to practice it in a safe environment.
They say “Your goal must move from the cognitive level of ‘this is what I want to do’ to the level of connected knowing where you can say ‘this is what it feels like to have the experience of doing what I want to do … You won’t know that it’s OK to be your full self instead of an abbreviated, cleaned-up version unless your partner helps you feel good about expressing opinions that may be different from hers, and the two of you end your symbiotic relationship.
“Your rehabilitation takes place through her reinforcement of your new openness. You have to disagree with her about what she’s wearing, or what movie you’re going to see, or whether it’s a good idea for your son to enlist in the military – and live to tell the tale. Then you’ll ‘know’ that it’s safe to be yourself … It’s a breakthrough to realise that the purpose of a committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy.”
I love this quote for the fabulous truth that lies within it – happiness is not the same as surface perfection; it’s about learning to embrace all of our experiences as part of the journey, however acceptable or unacceptable we may believe them to be. With that level of equanimity, we can become truly happy.
This week, if things are tough, look for the beauty. What are you learning from the experience? How has it opened you up emotionally? Can you be content knowing that there’s an underlying meaning that’s not yet revealed itself? If it’s all looking good, but you have mixed feelings, simply acknowledge all your feelings, however appropriate you think they are. That will help you to let go and allow you to move on. Enjoy your week of both beauty and darkness – and learn to love them equally.
The ex-monk and psychotherapist, Thomas Moore, devotes an entire chapter of his book, Dark Nights Of The Soul, to what he calls dark beauty. He stresses the beauty to be found in darkness, stating “Beauty is to the soul what truth and fact are to the mnd. The beauty of a thing is its depth and meaning being revealed. To perceive that beauty, you need any eye for both appearances and the invisible radiance of a thing. You also need the capacity to be affected. But many people walk through life defended against all positive influences. They are not open to the invitations and messages coming at them every turn. They wonder why life feels empty and meaningless, when the problem is not the absence of meaning but their blindness and deafness to it.”
As much as we can learn to appreciate the beauty in darkness, we also need to be awake to the darkness that lies within beauty. All transitions in life, however positive, are processes of change, where we let go of one condition in order to allow another in. Any movement or commitment involves loss – by choosing one option, we are letting others go. By moving to the next stage, we are releasing what came before. Transitions imply mixed emotions, so to ignore the dark in favour of the light is to cut off from a part of ourselves that needs acknowledgement.
One of the most vivid illustrations of those kinds of mixed emotions came from a friend a few days after she’d given birth. Although delighted to have a healthy baby to hold, she talked about how she needed to adjust to considering this external creature as ‘her baby’, when for nine months it had been something inside her. It wasn’t a simple transition and it took a little while for her feelings to settle. When they did, I’m sure it was in a large part due to her willingness to be totally honest with herself and acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings in a time that is generally considered to be a wholly positive one. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the space to feel what is there, rather than what you think you should be feeling.
Other times, the beauty within a good relationship seems clouded by conflict, yet the conflict itself is leading you on to a greater depth of authenticity and intimacy. As the authors, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, reveal in Receiving Love, developing intimacy is merely a theoretical goal until you have a chance to practice it in a safe environment.
They say “Your goal must move from the cognitive level of ‘this is what I want to do’ to the level of connected knowing where you can say ‘this is what it feels like to have the experience of doing what I want to do … You won’t know that it’s OK to be your full self instead of an abbreviated, cleaned-up version unless your partner helps you feel good about expressing opinions that may be different from hers, and the two of you end your symbiotic relationship.
“Your rehabilitation takes place through her reinforcement of your new openness. You have to disagree with her about what she’s wearing, or what movie you’re going to see, or whether it’s a good idea for your son to enlist in the military – and live to tell the tale. Then you’ll ‘know’ that it’s safe to be yourself … It’s a breakthrough to realise that the purpose of a committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy.”
I love this quote for the fabulous truth that lies within it – happiness is not the same as surface perfection; it’s about learning to embrace all of our experiences as part of the journey, however acceptable or unacceptable we may believe them to be. With that level of equanimity, we can become truly happy.
This week, if things are tough, look for the beauty. What are you learning from the experience? How has it opened you up emotionally? Can you be content knowing that there’s an underlying meaning that’s not yet revealed itself? If it’s all looking good, but you have mixed feelings, simply acknowledge all your feelings, however appropriate you think they are. That will help you to let go and allow you to move on. Enjoy your week of both beauty and darkness – and learn to love them equally.
For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 5 May 08)
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