Gold In The Darkness

Talking a problem through with a friend this morning, she had one of those big, fat, ‘a-ha’ moments that don’t come too often – the kind where you know you’ve finally made a huge step in unravelling an issue that’s plagued you all your life. What she’s currently going through is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. It’s terribly unfair, demoralising and devastating, yet she’s chosen to step away from the easy road of playing victim and blaming everyone else, to open up to an understanding of the deeper purpose behind the situation and what this might mean for her personally. From the outside it may have looked as though the conversation was the trigger for this flash of enlightenment, but this was a moment she’d been working towards for many years. It’s a bit like those bands that tour for years in clubs all over the country and then suddenly become ‘overnight successes’ with a single song. No-one ever gives you credit for all the work that went before.

There is nothing that will pay more dividends than a willingness to see the deeper meaning behind the events in your life. It gives you an ability to navigate the tough times with a sense of purpose, even if there’s no immediate understanding of why a particular thing has occurred. If you can hold an open mind about disappointment, disillusionment and even tragedy, your willingness to navigate in the dark will be richly rewarded. We’ve all had experiences where what we thought was going to be the worst thing that ever happened actually turned out to be the best thing – relationships that go sour, opening you up to far greater happiness or jobs that are lost, freeing you to pursue a lifelong dream. This isn’t just wishful thinking, but a statistical truth. A US Gallup Poll asked people what was the worst thing that ever happened to them and then asked what was the best thing that ever happened to them. Unsurprisingly, 84% of people surveyed gave the same answer to both questions – the worst thing had become the best thing.

If you’re looking for gold in the dark, you need to be patient and to trust. The answers won’t always be immediately obvious, you can’t always see where an event might be leading you and there’s no guarantee that you’re ever going to understand it all anyway. If you’re thinking that’s hardly a good deal for all the effort you’re putting in, just remember that staying stuck in hurt and blame is a lot more painful. And you can’t have it both ways – either you’re leading a meaningful life or you’re not. Period.

A purposeful life isn’t for sissies. As the transpersonal psychologist, Roberto Assagioli, says “Spiritual development is a long and arduous journey, an adventure through strange lands full of surprises, joy, beauty, difficulties and even dangers.” With a sense of meaning and purpose, even difficulties and dangers can reveal their beauty.

For Helen Keller, who – as we know – endured far more difficulties than most of us will ever have to face in a single lifetime, happiness sprang from her willingness to overcome those challenges with grace. As she noted, “A happy life consists not in the absence but in the mastery of hardships”.

This week, take a look at the persistent problems or big events shaping your life at the moment. If you were willing to believe they held meaning for you, what might that be? If you could gather the strength to let go of something, could you summon the trust to believe that something better lies before you? Where can you see patterns in the difficulties that arise in your life? How could you change the way you’ve been viewing those challenges? If you were an outside observer, what would you notice about yourself in those circumstances? What’s the common thread in all those situations? How do they make you feel?

Be willing to just sit with whatever’s bothering you and let it be OK. Slowly let it reveal its insights to you. Trust that the purpose of your life is to reveal your authentic self and that struggle and pain are often the only ways in which we’ll be willing to relinquish the familiar. Know that holding on won’t work when the tide is against you, so you might as well let go and open to a different kind of flow.

I’ll leave you with some wonderful wisdom stories from Alan Cohen, author of Joy Is My Compass, about how to deal with difficult people and circumstances. He wrote, “You can look upon someone who annoys you as your best friend, for they help you to grow. There is a story about a man in ancient Greece who paid someone fifty drachma a day to walk around and insult him, so he would become strong in the face of criticism. And you may remember Kato, the Chinese houseboy of Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther. Kato would jump out of the closet at random moments and assault him with expert karate moves. Clouseau hired Kato to keep him on his toes.” If you can learn to think of those who bother you as a tribe of Katos, you’re on your way to banking some gold from the shadows of your life.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 5 Nov 07)