Wicked Games

There are some collective themes we’ll probably all experience in the course of our lives and one of these is betrayal. Sometimes they’re small ones, where you find out someone you trusted has been unkind about you, and others can be completely devastating. We all have our own personal scale of what we find enormously wounding – for some infidelity isn’t such a big deal and for others it means the end of the relationship, without question. Then there are the million ways in which we are misled or betrayed by those in whom we’ve place our trust in the workplace.

A few people I know are going through tough times with colleagues who they’d trusted, but have let them down in some quite spectacularly appalling ways. One particular person has gone through the most extraordinary catalogue of horrors, which has turned a minor incident into a fully-fledged witch hunt. The Spanish Inquisition would be proud of the torturous conclusion to this sorry tale. Needless to say, she has suffered enormously at the hands of some pretty slick characters, who’ve all managed to take care of themselves quite nicely whilst making her the scapegoat. It has taken an enormous strength of will just to stay functioning in the face of this ongoing barrage of criticism, lies and ultimate injustice now affecting her career on a permanent basis.

Yet the curious thing in this story is that, now it has become so outrageous as to be almost comic, she’s finding it easier to deal with. Oddly enough, sometimes it’s only when a situation gets so out of hand that you can lift yourself above recrimination and start looking at the bigger picture. This is not the only time the theme of betrayal has arisen in her life, but this time it’s a doozy. If we are to assume that all issues come up to create some kind of healing, then it’s becoming apparent that in this case it’s about strengthening her own sense of empowerment in the face of a huge abuse of power by others.

Now, it’s not always that easy to see what’s really going on – particularly when you’re in the thick of it – but when you can begin to get a sense of perspective, you’re on the way to unravelling the core theme that lies beneath. In this case, it’s a complex set of issues about valuing the self in the face of disapproval by authority figures, a need to respect and honour her own creativity and skill, and a push towards standing strong in her own power.

My favourite quote on power comes from the movie poster of The Godfather Part III, which said “real power cannot be given – it must be taken”. There’s so much truth in that statement – absolutely no-one can empower you to believe in yourself. Chasing approval is a dead-end street, because although you might be appreciated one day, you may not be the next and you’ll always be on the lookout for someone else to tell you that you’re OK. You’ll never really feel it on the inside. Cast-iron self-worth comes from knowing that you’re OK regardless of what anybody else thinks and regardless of what appears to be happening in the world around you. It allows you to stand by your own truth and integrity, even in the face of extreme criticism and disapproval. When you strengthen your own sense of power, you can become immune to the attempts of others to control you or shame you into accepting their beliefs or way of life.

Luckily, it’s rare that we experience huge betrayals in life. More usually they’re of the common and garden variety, but far more insidious are the ways in which we betray ourselves, diminishing our own power. How many times have you agreed with someone else just to avoid conflict or not stood up for what you believed you were due because you were afraid to ask for it?

This week, take a look at betrayal on both levels – from the outer world and the inner world. Where have you experienced betrayal from others and what might that experience have been trying to teach you? Is there a recurring theme of betrayal? If so, rather than attack yourself for poor judgement, ask yourself what this theme might be telling you about your own need to value and honour yourself and your beliefs. Make an honest inventory to take a look at where you have betrayed yourself – and where you’re still doing it. Try to find the underlying theme. What’s standing in the way of your own empowerment? Where do you let yourself down?

The good news is that when we resolve our inner issues, we are far less likely to experience those same issues in the outer world. What we bring to consciousness no longer disarms us by appearing in the guise of outer experience. That’s not to say that the issue won’t repeat itself, but that we become far more equipped to deal with the consequences when we understand the game we are playing. If you’re in the midst of a betrayal drama right now, try to distance yourself from the events and tell the story to yourself dispassionately, as though it were about someone else. That should give you the detachment to start looking underneath the drama for the deeper purpose.

Above all, remember that true empowerment is simply about honouring the truth of who you are. It has nothing to do with power over others, which is just the illusion of control. Real power is having command over your own attitudes, beliefs and emotions – and allowing others the freedom to do the same.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the rightor by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 18 Feb 08)