The Sorcerer's Apprentice

The annual laughter-fest promised by Comic Relief often tends to be a bit of a damp squib, but this year it yielded a true piece of television gold in Comic Relief Does The Apprentice. With a cast list of B-list celebrities drawn from politics, pop and just about everything else in between, it didn’t look like a winner from the outset, but the vagaries of human nature came to the fore and the result was jaw-droppingly gripping.

I’ve always found the UK version of The Apprentice to be a little limp, compared to the US show. Sir Alan Sugar’s act as East End market-trader made good is no match for the pure chutzpah and ego on acid that is Donald Trump, not to mention that the celeb factor and international brand participation in the US is high-octane, compared to the low-rent lot they usually trot out in the UK. This time, however, we have trumped even Trump with a celebrity version of the show that showcased most of the seven deadly sins (and one or two virtues) in under an hour.

In traditional Apprentice style, it kicked off with a gender wars set-up, with the female celebs, led by Birmingham City FC MD, Karren Brady, against the men’s team, lead by spin doctor extraordinaire, Alastair Campbell. Given that Ms Brady runs a football team, but Mr Campbell used to run the country, you’d think that would have given his team a bit of an unfair advantage. He also had Piers Morgan, sacked Daily Mirror editor along for the ride, along with TV hardman Ross Kemp, DJ Danny Baker and – temporarily – film actor Rupert Everett. The first indicator that this would be a classic episode came when our movie star came over all camera shy as he realised he wouldn’t have any dialogue to work with and would actually have to improvise his own lines. I kid you not.

The girls’ team had their own secret weapon in the style guru, Trinny Woodall, who’s so well-connected that she managed to wheedle one of her wealthy friends into coughing up a £150k donation, in the guise of an entrance fee to the funfair event that both teams were competing to raise money from for Comic Relief. The singer, Cheryl Cole, from Girls Aloud was also rather skilled in the arm-twisting department, managing to extract £25k from Simon Cowell, which was matched by her footballer husband. As the money kept rolling in for entrance tickets, there was also the little matter of the attractions each team would man at the fair, as well as the food. Both of these proved to be far more problematic and much more entertaining, highlighting some classic gender differences in approach.

Despite the fact that she’s reputedly a tough negotiator in the male-dominated world of football, Karren Brady was no match for the dogged, bullying style of Alastair Campbell, former Director of Communications & Strategy to the Prime Minister. Although they set out with a firm strategy, in practice the women simply did not know how to deal with a player who has ice-water in his veins and enough bravado to make outrageous demands – and have them met. The intimidation continued as Piers Morgan hijacked a chef sent to the girls’ team and held him captive in the boys’ suite. The scuffle turned physical as Trinny tried to reclaim him in a truly shameful incident where the men acted like a gang of nasty little boys, delighted by their own cheating and bullying behaviour. Mind you, some of their hubris wore off as they realised that their great leader didn’t even know how to refill a stapler, accustomed as he was to having an army of PAs to do it for him. In fact, neither Alastair Campbell nor Piers Morgan seemed capable of achieving much at all without their usual troops following on behind doing all the grunt work.

Having secured their preferred attractions and done some creative work in giving the traditional sideshows like the coconut shy some cachet with the participation of artist Tracy Emin, it looked like a shoe-in for the guys to be the ones who’d raised the most money, but they gloated prematurely. In a spectacular twist to the tale, it turned out that the girls had won the day before the doors even opened. They’d pulled out all the stops selling tickets to the event and raised twice as much as the smug, self-satisfied men’s team. Even better, as the perfect fairy tale finishing flourish, Sir Alan fired Piers Morgan for his appalling behaviour.

So what’s the moral of the story? The women hung on to their integrity, behaved impeccably and managed to win it with a masterstroke of strategy. Nice guys don’t have to finish last.

This week, take a look at a work problem or a relationship issue you might have and ask yourself if you could look at it in a different way. Start afresh and rethink your strategy. Are you focusing too much on one particular thing and forgetting the bigger picture? Are you losing your integrity in the way you’re approaching it? Is there a way to rethink the situation that will work well for all concerned?

Above all else, remember that ideas will get you a long way, but if you can’t bring them down to earth and make them practical, they’re not worth much. Never lose touch with reality so badly that you can’t even load your own stapler …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 19 Mar 07)