Boundary Riders

Every year seems to have a theme and – from what I’ve noticed even this early on in the new year – this one is shaping up to be about clearing old patterns that stand between you and the life you want to live. I’m surrounded by friends and colleagues who are experiencing immediate challenges to the intentions they’ve set for themselves at work, at home and in relationships. It can be a little depressing to start out the year full of enthusiasm and find yourself mired in problems right from the off, but it’s also a sign that there’s either a little more internal work to be done or that your skills are being tested. You can’t really know for sure that you’re capable of doing something until you try it out, so there seems to be a universal mechanism to help you do that. Once you resolve to follow a course of action or behave in a different way, lots of opportunities for that resolve to be tested tend to arise in extraordinarily creative ways.

Rather than take these challenges as problems, it’s more helpful to see them for what they are – opportunities for a little resistance training. Looked at in this way, they can help you clarify what you really want and, more importantly, bring to light old patterns of behaviour that keep recreating similar issues, so that you can bust through them once and for all.

In essence, regardless of the issue you think you’re facing, most of these kinds of problems are boundary issues masquerading in different guises. If you’re alive and you’re not a 100% card-carrying control freak, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to have boundary issues. They’re so prevalent because our conditioning through our families, education and workplace is largely about control and sacrifice. Gill Edwards, author of Wild Love, describes this habitual way of relating as where “We have learned self-defeating ways of dealing with conflict. We have learned to be good or perfect or helpful or special in order to earn or deserve love. We have learned to hide behind roles and masks. We have learned to hold back.”

She adds “Conditional love means that we receive love and approval only if we are good and well-behaved by someone else’s standards. It means that only the ‘nice’ parts of us are acceptable, or those aspects which fit with our partner’s image of us.” For ‘partner’, of course, you can read friend, co-worker, boss, or relative. This dynamic will operate in any form of relationship, regardless of whether it’s familial, romantic or platonic. That’s why it’s so hard to set boundaries – when we are being controlled by others, we are in familiar territory. Challenging the status quo feels like a dangerous tactic, because we know that the conditional love or approval we are used to receiving by sacrificing our own will is absolutely at risk if we change our behaviour. On the surface it looks like a power struggle between you and another, but deep down it’s really a battle for control between the part of you that wants to be authentic and free and the part of you that feels safe in conforming.

Bottom line, it’s an issue of self-worth. As Gill Edwards notes, the controller mindset says “You need to make me feel safe and secure. You need to make me feel special and loved. You need to make me feel whole. And I will tame you into doing that for me. And when this (inevitably) fails, I will blame and shame you – or withdraw and distance myself – while still hanging onto you tightly.” In response, the sacrificing mindset says “I am not worthy of love, so I will allow you to tame me. You need to tell me how to earn your love, and keep myself safe and secure – by pleasing you and hiding whatever is bad or wrong with me.”

Neither of these mindsets is healthy and, by the way, neither is permanent. Although we have habitual roles, we can fluctuate in them depending on the relationships we have with others – sometimes we’re in sacrifice and sometimes we’re in control. With enough self-worth, however, we can set healthy boundaries with others and not feel as though we will lose their love or approval if we do. Equally, self-worth is the remedy for the control freak. When you’re comfortable and secure enough within yourself, you can relax your need to control others.

When we’re in touch with deeper part of ourselves, beyond insecurity and the fear of loss of approval, we can act authentically and free others to do the same. Our ways of relating become more like a gentle dance than a military tattoo – flowing, less regimented and more spontaneous. We know that conflicting desires are not a threat to a relationship, so we can be more relaxed about finding ways that work for both parties rather than having a dynamic where only person wins.

This week we’re working with the self-sacrificing part of the equation, as that’s what seems to be in the air, so that’s where the boundaries come in. Back in Australia, where the properties are so large that they’re millions of acres in size, we have boundary riders, whose main job is to check that the fences remain in good repair. In the old days riding the boundaries was a job for someone with good horsemanship, but these days a motorcycle licence is a more likely qualification. However you choose to police your own boundaries – at a gentle trot or a high-octane dash – the main aim is to keep a weather eye on how well you’re protecting your own interests. Are your fences falling in at the first sign of bad weather or can they withstand a bit of a storm? Are there places where you’ve ignored the need for boundaries altogether?

If you’re having trouble maintaining your boundaries, be gentle with yourself and realise that you’re dealing with a much bigger issue than whatever it appears to be about on the surface. If you find yourself giving in too easily on your own commitments to yourself, remember that a deeper part of you is terrified that saying ‘no’ means you’ll lose someone’s approval or love. The more you can get in touch with that feeling consciously, the more capable you’ll be of saying ‘no’ without being terrified of the ramifications.

So, this week, take a good look at all the areas of your life: your friendships, your romantic relationships, your family and your relationships with authority figures, including your bosses past and present, and see where you may have let your boundaries cave in. If that’s happened, look at why that might have occurred, ie ask yourself what were you afraid of losing, then forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself more strongly in the past and move on. Then you take a look at your current relationships and see where you might need stronger boundaries. Take a good ride around and check where some fences might need to be put into place or strengthened.

One final word of advice – don’t bother to expect that other people will always respect your boundaries. They’ll be tested on an almost daily basis, partly because most people are so hung up on their own stuff they don’t have the inclination to worry about what’s going on with you, but more importantly because it’s your job to take good care of yourself, not anyone else’s. When someone encroaches on your boundaries, it’s more often than not a test that will help you to be clear on what it is that you really want and how willing you are to stand up for yourself to get it. At that level of awareness, you can treat boundary issues as opportunities for greater self-knowledge and have a little fun with them, rather than get worn down by them. Ultimately that kind of self-awareness will bring much greater emotional freedom, more self-confidence and a firm foundation of self-worth – that’s a pretty fabulous payoff for a little boundary riding, don’t you think?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 8 Jan 07)