Truly, Madly, Deeply

The new year is here and so it’s the perfect time to remind ourselves what these chronicles are all about. I Am Fabulous is a statement that reflects the essential truth about you, when you’re willing to let go of all the ways in which you diminish and demean your talents and obscure your true nature. It’s about having the confidence to be yourself and be completely comfortable with who you are.

If you’re going to make 2007 a fabulous year, you’ll need a vision of how life could be if you cared enough to make yourself a priority. Let this quote from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols inspire you:

“You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be joyful, you deserve to be celebrative, but, in order to do that you must first fall madly in love with yourself.”

Now that’s the kind of note you really want to start a new year on – falling madly in love with yourself. That may be a highly challenging concept, as we’re barely accustomed to even liking ourselves, let alone loving ourselves, but this year don’t you think you deserve to set the bar a little higher? So what would it take for you to feel relaxed with yourself and then work your way up from there?

The first step is always going to be radical acceptance of your own humanity, ie the sure and certain knowledge that you’re bound to screw up, regardless of your best intentions. Why do we have such a hard time with that one? I suspect it’s because we’re always trying to live up to some mythical ideal of perfection, even though we’ve never actually encountered another human being who’s ever attained those lofty heights. Also we’ve internalised so many voices over the years that have told us that we’re wrong or we need to behave differently, so now we’re the ones who are so highly skilled in beating ourselves up that we no longer need any outside force to do that for us. If we’d just lighten up and grasp the concept that perfection doesn’t exist and messing up is par for the course, then learning to like ourselves wouldn’t seem so much of a chore.

Next on the agenda would be getting to grips with honouring and ultimately treasuring your own unique way of being, rather than trying to be like anyone else (or anyone else’s idea of how you should be). When we fall in love with someone, it’s their own particular quirks that we love about them. We don’t reminisce about how much our beloved is just like everyone else – we love what makes them unique. It’s not a vast leap from knowing that to surmising that your individual characteristics are what make you adorable to others and that you could learn to love those things about yourself too.

One of the biggest barriers to self-acceptance – and ultimately self-love – is that we are culturally very results-oriented rather than process-oriented. We’re always focused on the outcome, rather than how we got there or who we became in the process. As people we are never in stasis – we don’t stop growing and evolving. Our emotions, desires, thoughts and aspirations are always in flux, so assuming that we’ll reach some point where we’ll enter a static level of happiness is a childish illusion that many of us are still unconsciously pursuing. We’re ultimately creative beings, so we’re automatically drawn to want to explore and experience more. When we can really know that about ourselves, then we can relax and learn to enjoy the process of life, rather than lurching from one goal to another wondering why we don’t stay satisfied when we achieve them.

If you’re clear on the concept that you’re a work in progress and that’s the way it’s meant to be, you can start to enjoy the process of self-discovery. You’ll know that’s happened when your average screw-up becomes more fodder for self-awareness and wisdom rather than another stick to beat yourself up with. That’s when the quality of your inner dialogue becomes as kind and tolerant as it would be if you were talking to someone else, particularly someone you care about. Author James Ray has a particularly insightful take on this issue. He says “Here’s what I want you to consider – do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you?” Ponder that one long enough and you’ll certainly start shifting your behaviour towards yourself as you realise the ramifications of that question. If you don’t treat yourself well, how exactly can you expect other people to do that?

If you’re really serious about wanting to be juiced up about yourself and your life this year, then I have a challenge for you. We all know that to provide the best foundation for any structure we have to ensure that the ground is fully cleared before we start to build, and so it is with any plan, including learning to fall madly in love with yourself. Just a little surface cleaning won’t do the trick - it needs to be a root and branch job. Let’s use January to dust off a load of old attitudes, resentments and habitual self-attacking behaviours. If you give it a good enough shot, you could clear them out once and for all, so my suggestion is a thirty day plan of acceptance and forgiveness, starting with yourself.

To kick off, take five minutes each morning and just cop to some of the silliest, most ill-advised and just plain dumb things you’ve done in the past year. If you want to let them go, you’re going to have to accept that they happened and let that be OK. Then, to fully release each issue you’re holding against yourself, you need to find the gift in it, by asking how it’s served you and what have you learned. When you’ve acknowledged that, you’ll be free to chalk it up to experience and move on. When you’re comfortable with the process, start working on the old stuff you’ve been using to punish yourself for years. Any event where you keep going over what you ‘should’ have done is a good place to start letting yourself off the hook. If you really want to fast-track the process, get together with a good friend and have a damn good giggle at your own human frailties. Learning to laugh at your own cock-ups takes the emotional charge of shame out of them and helps you to let them go more easily.

Now that you’ve found a never-ending source of amusement in your own behaviour, you can balance the equation by using five minutes in the evening to find something about the way you acted that day that you’re pleased about, however small. In the beginning, it’s enough to be happy that maybe you’ve just stopped being so hard on yourself that day. As you progress, try looking for concrete evidence – celebrate your talents, insight, achievements or even just your ability to endure in a tough situation. This is a new skill you’re developing, so it’s not necessarily going to come naturally to look for the good stuff instead of the bad. Have patience and persevere – it takes time to create a new, positive habit.

If you commit to this process, you’re guaranteed to feel a whole lot better about yourself by the end of the month. That’s going to have a massive impact on your self-confidence and how you relate to others – as well as how others relate to you – so ten minutes a day is a small price to pay. Your results will be in direct proportion to how willing you are to stick to your daily ritual, but don’t fall into the trap of crucifying yourself if you miss a few – that’s exactly the kind of behaviour you’re trying to eradicate. Just let it be OK and pick up where you left off. Remember, the aim isn’t perfection, it’s the joy of self-discovery in the process. You’re not perfect now and you certainly won’t be at the end of it, no matter how hard you try, but you will be a lot more relaxed with yourself. That’s got to be a fabulous start to the year.


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 2 Jan 07)