Well, this is as timely a moment to talk about boundaries as any. It’s the time of year when obligations loom large, when we’re all dashing about doing things we’d rather not be doing, but trying to cram it all in anyway. To top it all off, we get to hang around the house with our dysfunctional family dynamics, which are generally further ignited by the addition of a generous dose of alcohol. Not exactly a recipe for Christmas cheer, is it? Let’s find a way to make this festive season a little brighter, shall we …
The golden rule – the one that will stand you in good stead now and in the future – is to set clear boundaries. It’s that simple.
Now for the hard part – we all know this, but somehow we just don’t manage to do it, especially when it comes to close family and friends. Sometimes the reason is fear of confrontation, sometimes it’s about keeping the peace, sometimes it seems easier just to let someone get away with appalling behaviour rather than try to fight it. Whatever the reason, the problem is the same – if you don’t take care of yourself, no-one else is going to do it for you.
If you’re exhausted and need time out, take it. If someone consistently behaves badly, let them know in a measured way that it’s not acceptable. Removing yourself from their sphere of influence is a start, but it’s not a solution. The problem will always remain until you grasp the nettle and get clear about what is acceptable behaviour to you. This can be extremely difficult, I know, as controlling characters have no talent for healthy conflict resolution. Janet Bluestein, author of Parents, Teens & Boundaries: How To Draw The Line, views the majority of people as either ‘Bulldozers’ or ‘Doormats’. She says “Bulldozers need to win, to have their needs taken care of, and feel entitled to do so at the expense of the other person … Doormats are terribly accommodating, but at the expense of their own needs. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts. Doormats often function in the hope that being ‘nice’ enough will inspire people around them to figure out and accommodate their needs.” Sound familiar?
She goes on to note “Growing up with either or both of these models, we receive a number of messages that present obstacles when we attempt to take care of ourselves in relationships with others, messages that connect our worth and loveableness to our ability to please others. If most of the people in our lives operated on some form of win-lose method of conflict resolution, either by violating and disempowering (as a Bulldozer) or by self-abandoning (as a Doormat) it can be hard to imagine win-win solutions that consider the needs of all parties involved.”
Perhaps the most fascinating part of that statement is the identification of the Doormat character as ‘self-abandoning’. Let’s assume that Bulldozers are fairly unlikely to be reading this, given their general lack of self-awareness, so the emphasis here is going to be on how to move out of Doormat mode. For any stray Bulldozers who may be lurking about on the site, the advice is simple – pay attention to how your demands are affecting others and develop sensitivity to other people’s needs.
First of all, let’s change the terminology. Bulldozer v Doormat doesn’t sound like a battle that can ever be resolved healthily – especially if you’re the Doormat! However, Controller v Accommodator is looking a bit more like a level playing ground. When you can see that the other person may be making unreasonable demands which you’re enabling by accommodating them, you can make a choice to act differently. No-one can continue to treat you badly without your complicity in allowing it to happen. That’s the important part of the ‘self-abandoning’ identification – the issue is less that others are making demands of us, but more that we are abandoning our own needs (and ourselves) by accommodating them against our own better judgement.
Some situations may already be out of hand, which can demand quite radical boundary setting. If it’s gone too far and the person simply refuses to see your point of view and alter their behaviour, it may be necessary to cut off contact temporarily, if not permanently. It is never healthy to continue to put yourself in the line of fire if you know there is no chance of your point of view ever being respected.
The issue here is never to abandon yourself, to always remember that a demand from another does not necessarily take precedence. It’s not about being selfish and becoming a Bulldozer instead, but about honouring yourself and not allowing others to take advantage. As Janet Bluestein says, “Boundary setting considers the needs of the other person, although it does not always accommodate them. In other words, ‘my way or the highway’ is bulldozing, not boundary setting … Boundary-setting always takes one’s own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication, (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).”
For those of you who have been inflicted with the ‘disease to please’, here are some insights from Robert Burney, author of Co-Dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls:
· “We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) – then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you than with people who treat you in loving ways.”
· “Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly and honestly.”
· “Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to yourself. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself – to protect yourself when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to yourself without owning yourself – and owning your rights and responsibilities as a co-creator of your life.”
Bottom line, it all comes down to clear communication, stating directlywhat is acceptable to you and what is not. The sooner you do this in any relationship the better, before unhealthy patterns start to form. Don’t confuse this with being defended – there’s no need to race out and set strict boundaries for other people’s behaviour if no issue has arisen. That’s just another form of control. Healthy boundary-setting is done in the moment, in response to your own feelings about the demands that are being placed on you. Remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ – just because someone’s made a request, that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate it.
This week, pay attention to how you’re responding to the many demands on your time and energy. Say ‘yes’ only to those you feel genuinely comfortable with and let the others go. If someone is making you feel pressured or is treating you in an unacceptable way, make clear to them in a calm way what you are comfortable with and what you will not accept. If they persist, there must be consequences. If they don’t adjust their behaviour, make it clear what the consequence will be. Be prepared to stand your ground – do not abandon yourself. It might be a little tough in the beginning, but clear boundaries will reap much greater rewards in the future. Let’s face it, who wants another dysfunctional Christmas? Make this a healthy and a happy one.
If you need an empowering boundary-setting theme song, check out this video of ‘Fight Outta You’ by Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals. Something tells me he’s met a Bulldozer or two …
Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Dec 07)
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