Emotional Generosity

Why is it that crap TV is so addictive? Perhaps it’s just because it’s junk food for the brain, but in between admiring the production values, witty scripts and fabulous acting in great shows like 24 or The West Wing, I’ll suddenly develop an addiction for something really dreadful. My current obsession is Make Me A Supermodel, a reality-show search for a new crop of models spearheaded by Rachel Hunter, who technically never was an actual supermodel – more just your average swimsuit model – but fast-tracked her way to super-celebrity by marrying a rocker older than most of her vintage outfits. So here we have a marvellous small-screen case of those who never have, mentoring a motley crew of those who probably can’t anyway. It’s Z-list television heaven!

In almost every episode, there’s yet another case of Zoolander-itis, where the models find themselves incapable of delivering more than one single look for the camera. There’s even a ‘walk off’ a la Zoolander and Hansel, although sadly not quite as funny as the film. Even Owen Wilson, prancing about and taking the mickey out of a being supermodel, looks more confident and professional on the catwalk than these poor wannabes. Their lack of ability to project any kind of emotional range sadly plays true to the stereotype of models, but hopefully in this case it will be more due to their extreme youth than an enduring lack of talent.

Much as we’d like to think it’s a natural outcome of the passing of the years, emotional range isn’t something that will necessarily just improve with age. Genuine maturity isn’t something that just occurs automatically with the number of birthdays you’ve racked up. Having an ability to access, express and manage your own emotions takes alot of self-awareness and – most importantly – a willingness to be vulnerable. If you always wait for someone else to show their emotional cards first, you cut yourself off from so many opportunities for a deeper connection.

Discussing this a few days ago with my friend Jeannie, she hit the nail on the head with the expression ‘emotional generosity’. We were talking about why a particular relationship couldn’t go the distance, because the guy in question was habitually quite closed-down and emotionally unavailable, when the idea of ‘emotional generosity’ came up. It’s not always the case that people who are quite buttoned-down emotionally can’t express themselves – sometimes they just choose not to. It’s easier to retreat into non-communicative mode than to expose yourself and your feelings on even the most subtle of levels. But without emotional fluency, life is so controlled and rigid that it’s like a black and white negative, without any vibrancy or colour.

Let me clarify a little – emotional range means being able to express yourself spontaneously with the right level of intensity and at an appropriate time. It doesn’t mean allowing your emotions to run amok or take over your life. It means being true to yourself and what you feel at a deeper level, rather than allowing tempestuous surface emotions rule your life.
There’s a lot of talk about emotional intelligence, but as my friend put it so eloquently, what about emotional generosity? Just being aware of what’s going on with others isn’t enough. You need to have the willingness to reach out and connect with them in a way that enhances your life and theirs.

When you have a degree of emotional fluency, you’ll find it easier to be relaxed, kinder and more thoughtful with others. That comes because you’re relaxed, kinder and more thoughtful with yourself – self-acceptance is always the key. When you realise that you’re perfectly OK as you are and can look at your own flaws with humour and tolerance, you’ll automatically extend that to others, even in the smallest of ways. Just paying someone a compliment is an act of emotional generosity, as is stopping long enough to really ask someone how they’re feeling rather than exchanging the usual pleasantries.

Remember, though, that this kind of emotional range is a natural outpouring of being comfortable with who you are, not a call to arms for the ‘burning martyr’ brigade who rush to take care of others at their own expense. That’s sacrifice and earning love, not true generosity. The other thing it’s definitely not is a licence to tell the unvarnished truth at every opportunity.
There’s a phase that people go often through when they discover a new level of emotional freedom that I call the ‘truth serum’ period. It’s when they become so enamoured of telling everyone how they feel, that telling the so-called truth becomes more important than being kind. Real emotional honesty is a matter of depth, requiring an understanding that your ‘truth’ may be relative and simply a matter of opinion, so it’s important to keep the ‘truth-telling’ aspect in perspective.

The past few I Am Fabulous chronicles have asked you to take a twofold path to experiment with a new way of being, so my philosophy is if it ain’t broke, why fix it? The first part of this week’s challenge focuses on you. Start by watching how you talk to yourself and make a conscious effort to be tolerant and kind. Check in with yourself about how you feel when you’re making decisions – are you going ahead with things because you want to or because you feel obliged? Instead of shutting them down, follow an impulse or two and see where they take you. If you feel highly emotional about an issue, explore ways to deal with it that would honour your feelings and also be appropriate in timing and intensity.

Then, when you’re feeling more in touch with your own emotions, start using that fluency to connect with others in your life. Pay someone a compliment. Tell a friend how much you appreciate all they’ve done for you. Let a colleague know how talented you think they are. Be willing to open up and really tell your partner how you feel. Go ahead – make someone’s day!
These may all seem like baby steps, but they’re the foundations of an emotional generosity and freedom that will enhance your life, bring you new connections and offer a warmth and kindness to those you meet – a fabulous return for the small willingness to be more vulnerable and open.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 6 Nov 06)