Park Life
It’s been an outdoor weekend for me, with plenty of music, picnics and fine performances. London really comes to life in the summer when we can soak up the culture al fresco, accompanied by fine food, wine and friends. First stop on the culture vulture tour of London’s parks was the Summer Swing festival at Kew Gardens, featuring Eliades Ochoa of the ever-fabulous Buena Vista Social Club. It’s impossible to sit still or be even slightly grumpy to the sound of a Cuban beat, particularly when performed by virtuoso musicians of ancient standing. A delicious surprise was the support act, Buena Fe, Cuba’s hottest band of the moment, who will no doubt be big time on the international scene very soon. Their album, Presagios, is going to be the soundtrack to my summer for sure.

Picnic hampers were to the ready again for a performance of The Taming Of The Shrew at the open air theatre in Regent’s Park. It’s such a magical venue, deserving of the well-staged and beautifully- acted show that had us mesmerised until nightfall. The only jarring note came from the message of the closing scenes, where – if Mr Shakespeare is to be believed – we women will all be much happier if we don’t bother our pretty heads with opinions of our own and simply learn to obey men. (Loving your work, Will, but the resolution to that play sucks.)

Shakespearian sexism aside, it’s so refreshing to be able to enjoy life in the open air, which is something I missed hugely when I came back from Spain. Admittedly the weather is far more reliable there, but they enter into the spirit with total gusto and the whole country bursts into a festival of celebration when summer rolls around. You can go to concerts in Moorish castles where rock music hangs as heavy in the air at dusk as the heady scent of jasmine, or eat, drink and be merry at beachside shacks or chiringuitos that spring up just for the season. Open air cinemas abound and every town seems to have its own little fiesta that makes full use of any local monument, plaza or piece of parkland for free concerts and performances. It’s social, artistic and egalitarian – and a ton of fun.

Just having good weather is no guarantee that you’ll know how to enjoy it, though, as I well remember from growing up in Australia. While we’d always had that sporty kind of identity as a country, culturally we were in a timewarp, transported wholesale from England and plonked down without alteration in a tropical climate. Outdoor cafes and restaurants were unheard of and we used to celebrate Christmas in 40oC degrees of heat by spraying fake snow on the windows. I suspect that’s where I developed a love of the absurd. Sweaty Santas, sunshine and surfboards may be a bizarre combination, but thankfully Australia now fully celebrates the outdoor lifestyle it has to offer.

So where am I going with all this? If you haven’t already guessed, this week is about embracing your true identity and all of its individual qualities. Part of that process is learning to set the boundaries that are necessary to allow that to happen. In order to express ourselves as individuals, we have to cut the apron-strings at some point – it’s a rite of passage. That means releasing old habits, restrictions or traditions that no longer suit you, so you can develop new ones that do. As you begin to make new choices for yourself, here’s a universal truth you need to keep in mind – no-one will ever thank you for changing. We humans are creatures of habit and we’re not overly enamoured with the idea of change, even when it’s positive. So, when you begin to live your life differently and begin to set new ground rules, expect a little resistance from others.

People tend to react to new boundaries in one of three ways: ignore, challenge or accept. None of their reactions are within your gift to control, but you can control how you respond to them. What’s important is that you stay gently committed to being who you are and keep reaffirming what it is that you want.

I’ve had my own boundary experience of claiming some personal space this week that has taught me a little more about how effective it is to stay focused and not go into anger. It’s a long story, but I live in small community that I like to call Argentina, as it’s the spiritual home of retired Nazis. Lots of residents are elderly and have been here since the bears were bad. It goes without saying that no-one here likes change. This little contretemps arose when I took the perfectly reasonable step of placing a table in the communal area of my back garden without first seeking the (totally unnecessary) approval of my neighbour, who has largely commandeered that part of the garden for her personal use.

First thing in the morning, there she was on my doorstep launching into a diatribe that began with ‘How could you do this to me?’. That was my first clue that this was going to be an emotion-fuelled overreaction. Quite how putting a small table into an area that we’re both meant to share could be construed as a personal attack is beyond me, but that’s where it started and as she carried on, she wound herself up even more. Interestingly – and possibly because I was still half-asleep – I found myself simply noticing this and calmly naming it back to her, pointing out the facts without getting wound up in return. Eventually – and it took a few separate conversations – we resolved the issue, but it required me to calmly and firmly stand my ground in the face of some very emotional bullying tactics. Did I get it 100% right – no. Am I happy with not allowing the conversation to escalate, as it could have done – absolutely.

That, my friends, is one of the secrets to not only setting boundaries, but holding them – staying gently, but firmly, committed to who you are and what you want to express. I met with a firewall of resistance in this instance, but you might encounter someone who simply ignores the boundaries you are trying to set. Again, it’s back to reaffirming what’s important to you, but ultimately you may have to ask yourself if you want to be around someone who continually disrespects the ground rules you are setting out. If it’s a family member who’s the major offender, then it might take a little distancing yourself to maintain your equilibrium and stay committed to your own principles. It’s not easy to redefine how you want to be treated in any circumstances, but the inertia of family ways of relating can make this especially tricky.

The other type of response – acceptance – is a real gift and this can very often occur when the boundaries are around authority issues. As you become confident and comfortable about asserting yourself and standing up for what’s important for you, often a previously-met resistance will dissolve right before your eyes and you will encounter acceptance. It’s the kind of miraculous alchemy that happens when you totally believe in yourself and all resistance just melts away, but that’s not to say that you’re doing anything wrong if you’re running into a different kind of response. Boundary setting is just a necessary part of expressing who you are and how you want to be treated – dealing gracefully with all the responses that engenders is another lesson in itself.

The theme for this week’s self-enquiry is to look at where you need to set boundaries with people. What kind of issues are still lurking about in your life where you’ve asked for some ground rules to be respected, but that’s still not happening? Where do you need to stand up for yourself – at work, at home or in a friendship? Is there someone in your life who consistently disrespects your wishes? If so, exactly how long are you planning to put up with that?

You don’t need to get totally gung ho on this right away, but you do need to start noticing the quality of your interactions with others. If you are consistently placing yourself in the position of accepting behaviour that is uncomfortable for you, then you are consistently eroding your own self-worth. That’s hardly a fabulous thing to do. So, get out there, enjoy the sunshine and be happy beingyourself. It’s summertime and the living is meant to be easy …

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Jul 06)