While we may love the celebrations, very few of us get through the festive season totally unscathed, with our self-esteem fully intact. Sometimes it’s just the over-achieving Christmas bug to get it all done that gets to us or the pressure to come up with a fresh look for the endless round of parties. Other times it’s the strain of keeping a lid on simmering family tensions. Whatever crops up as your particular chink in the armour, there’s a simple remedy to bring an instant hit of fabulousness – knowing the difference between self-awareness and self-consciousness, the fab and anti-fab grooves of your own mind.
Your confidence and general fabulousness can move smoothly through all this and more if you’re willing to apply the self-awareness vs self-consciousness test to what you’re experiencing. The idea is to stay awake to the tone of your inner dialogue and notice how it is contributing to your experience. Watch for where it begins to masquerade as reality. Self-awareness will give you an honest appraisal of the situation, but self-consciousness will put you front and centre in the picture, usually in a negative way. Is your thinking self-aware or self-conscious, fab or anti-fab?
The anti-fab nature of self-consciousness will keep telling you that you’re not OK as you are, that you need to do more, be more or have more in order to get by, let alone succeed. That voice can lead you so far away from your true self that your life is ruled by expectations and goals that are not even your own. Nothing is as soul-destroying as keeping up appearances on a life you don’t even want. As the writer Kurt Vonnegut so aptly put it, “Be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be”.
Self-awareness, by contrast, is a relaxed acceptance of the truth of who you are in essence and the truth of who you are in reality. You may not always live up to your own standards, but a fab and self-aware attitude will notice the disparity, accept where you are now and make adjustments accordingly. The anti-fab self-conscious mindset will spin into self-attack and punishment, finding every bit of evidence to prove just how dreadful, inadequate or hopeless you are. Do you really want to live with that load of rubbish in your head or are you ready for some serious fabulousness?
In short, don’t give airtime to any thought that isn’t demonstrably true and, above all, don’t make negative experiences mean something about you. For example, if someone blanks you, unless you know it was deliberate, let it go. Perhaps they just didn’t see you or have time for a chat. Unless you ask, you can’t possibly know what the truth is. If your relatives are snappy and Christmas dinner is as cheery as an episode of Six Feet Under, maybe that has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done, maybe that’s just the way they’re feeling. If you don’t know, don’t assume.
With self-awareness you notice what’s going on, but don’t turn it into self-attack or give it meaning it doesn’t have. We make false assumptions all day, every day, that colour our view of the world – and ourselves – and seriously affect our personal interactions. If you’re willing to change your viewpoint, you will change your experience.
The one true blessing of getting older is getting more comfortable in your own skin, but you don’t have to wait for the wrinkles to arrive to get the wisdom. Beat the Christmas rush and start appreciating yourself now. When you’re looking in the mirror putting the finishing touches to your party outfit, practise finding things to like about yourself. If you’re under pressure to get things done, focus on what you’ve already achieved, not what’s left on the list. Whatever you put your attention on affects how you feel about yourself. You can make wise choices about where your attention goes.
Use self-awareness to see the truth and find the joy in your life, not to avoid pain or hide in denial. Self-awareness means seeing clearly, acknowledging the truth and moving forward. Self-consciousness takes the same scenario, poisons the truth and locks you into a self-defeating spiral of despair. Give yourself an early Christmas present and choose the gift of self-awareness.
Pema Chodron, the Buddhist author and teacher writes in The Places That Scare You, “This is the path we take in cultivating joy: learning not to armour our basic goodness, learning to appreciate what we have. Rather than appreciate where we are, we continually struggle and nurture our dissatisfaction. It’s like trying to get the flowers to grow by pouring cement on the garden.”
Self-awareness might be critical, but it doesn’t have to be serious. Play with it, see life as an experiment - your most valuable asset is a sense of humour about who you are. Remember to let the ‘I Am Fabulous’ mantra do its magic. Use it as the fast-track route to pulling the plug on the paving work, having a laugh at your own mental grooves and letting yourself blossom in gentle self-awareness.
For alert emails on new postings, with added inspirations and confidence tips, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field.
All material © 2005 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 19 Dec 05)
Your confidence and general fabulousness can move smoothly through all this and more if you’re willing to apply the self-awareness vs self-consciousness test to what you’re experiencing. The idea is to stay awake to the tone of your inner dialogue and notice how it is contributing to your experience. Watch for where it begins to masquerade as reality. Self-awareness will give you an honest appraisal of the situation, but self-consciousness will put you front and centre in the picture, usually in a negative way. Is your thinking self-aware or self-conscious, fab or anti-fab?
The anti-fab nature of self-consciousness will keep telling you that you’re not OK as you are, that you need to do more, be more or have more in order to get by, let alone succeed. That voice can lead you so far away from your true self that your life is ruled by expectations and goals that are not even your own. Nothing is as soul-destroying as keeping up appearances on a life you don’t even want. As the writer Kurt Vonnegut so aptly put it, “Be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be”.
Self-awareness, by contrast, is a relaxed acceptance of the truth of who you are in essence and the truth of who you are in reality. You may not always live up to your own standards, but a fab and self-aware attitude will notice the disparity, accept where you are now and make adjustments accordingly. The anti-fab self-conscious mindset will spin into self-attack and punishment, finding every bit of evidence to prove just how dreadful, inadequate or hopeless you are. Do you really want to live with that load of rubbish in your head or are you ready for some serious fabulousness?
In short, don’t give airtime to any thought that isn’t demonstrably true and, above all, don’t make negative experiences mean something about you. For example, if someone blanks you, unless you know it was deliberate, let it go. Perhaps they just didn’t see you or have time for a chat. Unless you ask, you can’t possibly know what the truth is. If your relatives are snappy and Christmas dinner is as cheery as an episode of Six Feet Under, maybe that has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done, maybe that’s just the way they’re feeling. If you don’t know, don’t assume.
With self-awareness you notice what’s going on, but don’t turn it into self-attack or give it meaning it doesn’t have. We make false assumptions all day, every day, that colour our view of the world – and ourselves – and seriously affect our personal interactions. If you’re willing to change your viewpoint, you will change your experience.
The one true blessing of getting older is getting more comfortable in your own skin, but you don’t have to wait for the wrinkles to arrive to get the wisdom. Beat the Christmas rush and start appreciating yourself now. When you’re looking in the mirror putting the finishing touches to your party outfit, practise finding things to like about yourself. If you’re under pressure to get things done, focus on what you’ve already achieved, not what’s left on the list. Whatever you put your attention on affects how you feel about yourself. You can make wise choices about where your attention goes.
Use self-awareness to see the truth and find the joy in your life, not to avoid pain or hide in denial. Self-awareness means seeing clearly, acknowledging the truth and moving forward. Self-consciousness takes the same scenario, poisons the truth and locks you into a self-defeating spiral of despair. Give yourself an early Christmas present and choose the gift of self-awareness.
Pema Chodron, the Buddhist author and teacher writes in The Places That Scare You, “This is the path we take in cultivating joy: learning not to armour our basic goodness, learning to appreciate what we have. Rather than appreciate where we are, we continually struggle and nurture our dissatisfaction. It’s like trying to get the flowers to grow by pouring cement on the garden.”
Self-awareness might be critical, but it doesn’t have to be serious. Play with it, see life as an experiment - your most valuable asset is a sense of humour about who you are. Remember to let the ‘I Am Fabulous’ mantra do its magic. Use it as the fast-track route to pulling the plug on the paving work, having a laugh at your own mental grooves and letting yourself blossom in gentle self-awareness.
For alert emails on new postings, with added inspirations and confidence tips, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field.
All material © 2005 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 19 Dec 05)
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