Valentine's Day - Fab or Anti-Fab?

Rather like New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day seems to exist solely to force each and every one of us to try way too hard to have a good time. There’s a not-so-faint air of desperation that hangs over these festivities that is so very anti-fab. If V-Day makes you feel worse about yourself every time it rolls around, you’re not alone. Very few of us are ever in that loved-up cocoon of amour that makes it possible for heart-shaped balloons and fire-engine red lingerie to appear tasteful in our eyes, thank god.

This is one festival that really doesn’t seem to work for anyone. If you’re in a relationship, then the level of expectation around the event tends to lead to disappointment if both parties don’t enter the present-buying fray with similar gusto. There is no more fertile ground for discovering just how different male and female attitudes to romance can be than facing the 14th of February in a relatively new relationship. If it’s not something you’ve talked about, prepare for a rocky ride.

Lots of men – and quite a few women too – loathe being corralled into a Hallmark greeting card version of love and prefer to express themselves romantically on pretty much any other day of the year – just not that one. Others go totally overboard with the lovey-dovey schmaltz, which, rather than eliciting loving feelings, can be downright scary. Either way, the issue is mis-matched expectations and the only cure is communication.

As women we are hampered by the fairytale belief that our partner will always intuitively know what we need. Big mistake. Huge! In Walt Disney world, maybe, but not in real life. If your romantic dreams are shattered by not getting a massive production number of a romantic evening on one particular day of the year, take a good look inside and ask yourself why you need that. Maybe your definition of romance is a little narrow. Maybe your partner just didn’t know that would appeal to you. Maybe you could talk about it and find a V-Day compromise that works for both of you.

I’m not dissing romance at all, far from it. I just have no patience for the pre-packaged version. Hopefully romance is something that is woven in to the fabric of your life together and not just dragged out of the closet and polished up for one day a year simply because everyone else does it. In L’Oreal-speak, we’re worth more than that.

It’s never a ton of fun to do Feb 14 on your own either. If there’s a time of year that’s guaranteed to make you feel lousy about being single, even if you never give it another thought on the other 364 days, this is it. One year my friend Ywonne was over from Geneva for a flying visit and it just happened to be the dreaded V-Day. We ended up having the most awful comedy Valentine’s dinner – at huge expense, of course - complete with serenading violinist. We both still wince at the memory, but there was no alternative to the Valentine’s Day menu or any leeway for two friends to eat out that evening without the benefit of flowers, chocolates or any other form of shrink-wrapped romance. It was excruciating.

So if you’re facing V-Day as a single woman this year, create your own celebration. Get together with friends, crack the bubbly and do the day of romance in style. Focus on the love you have in your life already, not what you think is missing. The relationship author, Iyanla Vanzant, writes in In The Meantime that “Love will always bring you the highest representation of your intentions and expectations. Fear will bring your worst nightmare to life!” To clarify your own feelings and expectations about love, she suggests asking yourself ‘What is my vision of love - what am I looking for?’, ‘What do I really expect from love?’ and ‘Do I really believe that I deserve love?’.

She adds, “Love is our joy, health and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realising that we must bring love with us. We must bring a strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring an excitement about ourselves, our lives, and the vision we have for these two essential elements … We have been taught that it is our job in life to go out and find the perfect partner, when in fact our job is to find the perfection in ourselves.”

This year, take a day which has so much possibility to be anti-fab and make it truly fabulous. By all means love the one you’re with, but make some time to spread a little love among your friends and show some compassion to yourself. Let the people you care for know how much you appreciate them, with even the smallest of gestures. Pay a compliment, phone a friend, be thoughtful. Do something kind for yourself too. Let the greetings card industry go wild if it must – just know that however you choose to spend this day is perfect for you.

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All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 13 Feb 06)