Tea With Uncle Roger

This weekend brought me one of life’s greater joys - taking tea with my friend Charlotte’s Uncle Roger. Age has certainly not dimmed his capacity to savour life, as he enters his seventies with more chutzpah than most people half his age could muster. Hugely entertaining, he’s always a gracious host and his company is so charmingly uplifting that you’re guaranteed to walk away feeling blissful. Everyone needs an Uncle Roger in their lives – someone who’s always interesting and interested, enchantingly supportive and overflowing with joie de vivre.

Life is supposed to be joyful. Too often we get lost in our circumstances and mistake them for our complete reality. Even if some things are tough, there are still plenty of joys to be found, if you have the mind to look at it that way. A huge factor in determining how we feel about life is the kind of company that we choose to keep, so if you want to keep your energy high then you’ll need to keep a weather eye on the quality of your friendships. Uplifting friendships will help to reinforce your enjoyment of life and your belief in a positive future, but friendships that are locked in a negative cycle will drain your energy faster than Colin Farrell can down a pint.

Over at Coach Fabulous a lot of the issues that come up are about friendships and romantic relationships and how these can have a devastating impact on our lives. It’s nigh on impossible to stay stoically positive when all those about you are wallowing in a sea of negativity. That’s not to say that we don’t all have times when we find it difficult to cope or sudden tragedies that knock the wind out of our sails, and as friends we would want to be supportive. However, what is most subversively toxic to your enthusiasm and passion for life is prolonged exposure to people who are stuck in their stories of pain, who continue to moan about their problems but won’t ever take any real action to resolve them.

The US comedy skit show, Saturday Night Live, has a gloriously exaggerated example of this in the character of Debbie Downer, who punctuates any conversation with depressing comments on every topic under the sun. Nothing is safe from her relentless negativity. This is a woman who could find the down side in any eventuality – and does. Lest the men feel left out, the comedian Steve Carrell has brought a male version to life in the character of Bob Bummer, a match made in heaven for Debbie Downer.

The reason the rest of the cast crack up every time Debbie utters one of her downbeat lines is that there’s an essential truth to this character. We all know someone like Debbie or Bob. They’re not just visiting hell on earth, they’ve booked a season ticket. The slow dripfeed of misery is their home from home. They like it so much they’ve taken up residence there.
Life is bound to serve you up at least one Debbie Downer in your group of friends – that’s pretty much a given – but when you start developing your own private collection of them, that’s when it’s really a cause for concern. Being a good friend or partner is about supporting your loved ones, but it’s not about propping them up eternally. Sooner or later you cross the line from being genuinely helpful to simply enabling them to stay stuck. If you’re willing to hear the same tale of woe over and over again for years, without any real effort being made to move on, then you’ve long since ceased to be of any real assistance.

What adds the insult to injury is that not only are you not helping your friend, but you’re draining your own energy while you’re at it. We’ve all had the experience of meeting someone when you’re feeling quite positive, letting them bang on about their problems for hours and ending up feeling like you’ve been run over by a semi-trailer, while they walk away with a spring in their step. When this is a habitual form of relating with someone, it’s a form of ongoing energetic vampirism. There’s also a more subtle version to look out for, where your friends may not necessarily be negative, but the entire interaction is still about them and you barely get a look-in. If that’s standard operating procedure in some of your friendships, then it’s time to redress the balance.

Healthy friendships leave you both feeling uplifted. Unhealthy ones make you feel like you’ve just been psychically mugged – and you have been. So pay attention to who you spend your time with and how you feel afterwards. You’ll already have a fair idea of who the main culprits are, but experiment with noticing how you feel before you meet them and compare it with how you feel afterwards, if you want proof. If it’s a temporary glitch, then hang on in there, but if you know in your heart that you have a Debbie or a Bob on your hands, then have the courage to cut them loose. You’re not helping them and they’re certainly not helping you.

The tone of your personal energy is your charisma, that indefinable quality that makes you attractive to people and draws opportunities to you. Keeping that energy flowing and positive is your responsibility, so no matter how exhausting a Debbie Downer may be, you can’t blame her for draining your energy if you’ve still made the choice to keep her in your life.

This week, take inventory of all the relationships in your life. Who do you really want in your inner circle? Are there some Bob Bummers you could spend less time with or lose contact with entirely? Most importantly, do you have an Uncle Roger in your life? Who is the person who unfailingly makes you feel good about yourself, whatever the circumstances? Whoever they are, take some time to appreciate them this week and let them know how much they mean to you. Make plans to spend time with the friends who uplift you, respect you and know how to have fun.

I shall be occupying myself with a campaign to have Uncle Roger declared a national treasure for the sheer life-enhancing capacity of his presence. What a fabulous way to be … let’s all aspire to being uplifting and uplifted this week.

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 26 Jun 06)