Seven Keys To Self-Esteem

My one healthy addiction – apart from the recent development of a worryingly fervent devotion to yoga, pilates and stretch classes – is Hay House Radio. When they start a twelve-step programme for people who spend too much time listening to spiritual radio shows, I will be queueing up at the door. In my defence, I must say that as addictions go, this is a pretty damn good one. Every week there are talk shows on everything from medical intuition to archetypes and six-sensory awareness, so if your interests are anywhere near as quirky as mine, you’ll be in seventh heaven if you tune in to www.hayhouseradio.com.

One of my favourite show hosts is Dr Mona Lisa Schulz, who is a medical intuitive and the author of Awakening Intuition. In her latest show she spoke on the theme of over-giving and the underlying issues which drive that particular behaviour. As she discussed the question of self-worth, she used a model of seven basic areas of self-esteem. Feeling good about your capacities in each of these areas contributes to a healthy foundation of self-worth. While Dr Mona Lisa only touched very briefly on each of these areas in her show, I’m going to add a bit of I Am Fabulous philosophy to the mix, to show you how you can take a wide-ranging look at strengthening your own sense of self-esteem and confidence.

The first category is feeling good about your physical desirability. This is about feeling comfortable with how you look, not striving for an unachievable level of physical perfection. There are myriad ways to explore this one, from the obvious options of updating your wardrobe, to taking dance classes to learn to feel more relaxed and sensuous, or even something as simple as just looking in the mirror each morning and saying ‘I’m fabulous’.

Most of us would assume that there’s no downside to this one – after all, don’t we all want to look as good as we can? – but an overwhelming focus on superficial attractiveness and how much we appeal to others isn’t a healthy basis for sustainable self-worth. Like every other area we’re going to cover, none of them are effective in isolation. What you need to be aiming for is a balance, where there’s some degree of strength in each of them, so that no single thing can become a fragile basis for your self-esteem. That way, when any one area takes a dip, as inevitably it must in the normal course of life, your confidence will stay buoyant because of the strong foundations you have across the board.

Then comes financial prosperity and your capacity to make money. Being able to support yourself well brings self-empowerment and a sense of achievement. The level of prosperity you prefer is, of course, a very individual choice. Some people are happy with lesser levels of income and others find that they enjoy life more with plenty of luxury. Know what suits you and don’t apologise for it. Whatever level of income appeals to you is perfectly fine – it’s your life and your choice. The hidden trap here is over-identification with the amount of money you earn as the source of your self-esteem. I can’t emphasise this one enough: it’s not the money that’s bad, it’s reducing yourself to feeling worthless unless your bank account is overflowing that’s the problem.

The third area is your vocation and how you help people. You’ve heard plenty from me on this subject, about how important it is for your self-confidence that your work reflects the truth of who you are. It is soul-destroying to continue to show up every day trying to be something you’re not or to subject yourself to an environment that is unsupportive or destructive to you. Equally, we all want to feel that life has meaning and part of that search for meaning is to find a way to use your talents to be of service to others. The trap here is when your job or status becomes your identity, to the exclusion of all else. When that happens, burnout is just around the corner. Also, hidden within this area is the caution to remember that you’re worthwhile as a person regardless of what you do and that you do not need to earn love. We all need to develop the capacity to feel loveable even when we are not being of service.

Then there’s the very important area of your capacity to communicate and skilfully express who you are in the world. This one isn’t just about being articulate, but about making genuine connections with others and to feel heard. The most artful conversation isn’t going to be fulfilling if you aren’t expressing what you really feel to someone who is truly capable of hearing it. Ways to explore this one are to find new avenues of creative expression, deepening your friendships or opening up your social circle to include people who express themselves in ways that aren’t your usual cup of tea. The downsides to this one are obviously any sense of superiority or conceit about your capacity to express yourself, or being more concerned with your own expression than hearing others.

Hard on the heels of communication comes another intellectual concept – feeling good about your intelligence, your personality and how skilful you can be in the world. Expanding your horizons on this one can be a powerful boost to your self-esteem, particularly if you’ve felt limited in your capacity due to criticism from others. Some really pervasive beliefs about ourselves derive from early childhood criticisms and limiting statements made by people in authority in our family or school environments. If you have lingering memories of being told you’d never be good at something, surprise yourself and give it a try. Overcoming limitations strengthens your capacity to believe in yourself and your ability to face whatever may arise in the future. Again, the trap on this one can be intellectual conceit. Emotional intelligence is just as important as academic intelligence and often those who are justifiably proud of their intellectual capacity have developed it at the expense of any real emotional literacy. We’re meant to be rounded human beings, not just talking heads.

Now for my favourite topic – connection to spirituality and a capacity to handle your life purpose. This one is no surprise, as a sense of purpose and meaning can help you navigate even the darkest of circumstances. There’s so much to explore here, from learning about different faiths, to really examining what your own beliefs are and how they translate into action in the real world. The flipside to the positive aspects of spirituality is an ungroundedness and lack of connection between spiritual principles and how your life is actually lived. To feel that you are fully on purpose, you need to know that your actions are in integrity with what you believe.
The final area is your ability to nurture others. We’re not just hanging out here on the planet for our own good. Part of the journey is learning to support others in ways that are healthy for them and not detrimental to ourselves either. Suffocating someone with your attempts to help can actually hinder them in developing their own strength, confidence and individuality. Equally, over-nurturing means that you have over-identified with the giving part of your nature and need to learn to receive, to allow for a natural flow of give and take in your relationships.

Now that you’re familiar with each of the areas of self-esteem, take a look at how they’re working in your own life. Assess each individual area to see if it’s working well or if you’ve tipped into over-identification in any particular one. Give each one a mark out of ten and see how much you’re in balance overall. If you’re out of whack, come up with a couple of activities you could do in each area to redress the balance. Look for things you could let go of as well, such as beliefs or limiting behaviours. Immediate action isn’t always the answer. You might need a little more reflection to be sure that the actions you’ve chosen aren’t just a few more things on the to-do list that you’ll never get around to – that kind of behaviour just erodes your self-esteem even more.

This week, don’t just do this one on your own. Talk to a good friend, express your deepest feelings and make a plan of action together, so you’ll have support when you need it. And make it fun – part of learning to like yourself is realising that you don’t need to be fixed, you just need to relax and be OK with who you are. This is an exploration, not a chore, so be willing to laugh at your own limitations and get on with creating a joyful, balanced and more confident life for yourself.

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 21 Aug 06)