Letting Go

One of the trickiest balancing acts in life is to sustain the creative tension between intention and inspiration, between trying to make things happen or allowing them to unfold. Sooner or later we all end up focused on one end of the spectrum, when what is required for a fabulous life is a very delicate balance of both those approaches.

If your focus is simply on making things happen, then over time you can lose sight of why you began chasing those achievements in the first place and find that your life lacks meaning. Equally if you just wait for things to unfold without taking any action, your lack of groundedness ensures that your dreams never manifest.

It’s like creating a wonderful meal. If you stick rigidly to the recipe you might get consistent results, but they won’t reflect your own originality. Add a little inspiration to the mix and you just might end up with something extraordinary.

For your life to reflect who you really are, you will need to find just the right balance of intention and inspiration that works for you. There’s no one-size fits all formula, because we are all more drawn to one style of behaviour: some of us are great planners, who always have everything nailed down with military precision, while others are more intuitive, go-with-the-flow types. These may be our natural ways of acting or they can be learned behaviours created from our life experience, such as needing to control circumstances in order to feel more secure. If you want to see what that looks like, the Wisteria Lane text-book example is Bree, the Desperate Housewife who has elevated control-freakery to an art form.

In my own life, the pendulum has swung back to my very ingrained habit of trying too hard. Somewhere, hard-wired in my brain, is the mother of all puritanical work ethics that decrees effort equals success. If it’s not working, throw more effort at it. Work harder and it will all work out. No pain, no gain. You get the picture.

What is so deeply amusing about this is that I will try hard at just about anything, even activities where trying hard is not only a total liability but downright ludicrous, like relaxation or meditation. Ever tried hard to meditate? That’s a contradiction in terms if ever there was one, but I cannot have been alone in trying to do that, because as a society we place enormous value on effort. The author of The Art of Effortless Living, Ingrid Bacci, says “Compulsive performing is everywhere, and is extremely difficult to give up. Deep down we equate doing and more doing with success. Whatever is deep down is hard to eradicate.”

She has identified four characteristics that we share when we put too much value on doing and too little on being: “First, we overfocus on results and neglect to pay attention to mastering how we feel inside. Second, we act from a place of anxiety and tension; our actions become a knee-jerk response to tension. Third, we project our tension outside ourselves, objectifying it in the form of demands that we think the situation is making on us. Fourth, we assume that getting the job done is inevitably linked with tension, so we accept the tension is normal.”

In the midst of my own little internal pressure-cooker of tension this week, I’ve been blessed by the presence of my good friend Miranda reminding me to drop the effort and to let go. Surrender is a little-known word in my vocabulary and one of the hardest things for effort addicts to allow. Our association of the word ‘surrender’ with loss and giving in doesn’t help. The higher meaning, though, is to hand over – to let go, release and open to other possibilities. Unless we create the space for inspiration to enter our lives, it cannot come where it is not invited.

So, my new mantra is ‘surrender’ and I am feeling far more peaceful as a result. Inner peace is like a lightning rod for drawing in inspiration as much as tension and stress act as a repellent. Another friend is facing a huge life-changing decision about relocation, but can’t get clarity on her next step because her stress levels are through the roof. Like me, she’s been trying too hard to get the answer and needs to simply let it go for a while until she regains her equilibrium.

When your mind is as frantic as a dog chasing its own tail, then you need to break that pattern. More thinking will not solve the problem – you need a different approach. Physical movement is one of the most direct paths for getting out of your head. Walking in nature, getting a massage, doing a yoga class – do whatever it takes to get yourself out of that tailspin, return you to your centre and create the space for inspiration to work its magic.

According to Ingrid Bacci, there is a flip side to the characteristics of endless effort – those of effortless performance. “First”, she says, “when we are effortless, we focus more on how we feel inside than on the results we want to achieve. Second, we keep our attention on maintaining inner calm, and not giving way to anxiety. Third, we refuse to lose our composure in the face of external pressures. Instead, we use those external pressures to strengthen our inner balance. Fourth, we assume that performance is intimately connected to pleasure and keep our attention on finding enjoyment in our activities.”

If your life is not feeling that effortless right now, where is it that you’re trying too hard? What is it that you need to let go of? Are you willing to surrender the effort and open to some inspiration?

Your fabulous self awaits and, believe me, it is never fabulous to try too hard.

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All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 27 Feb 06)