Confidence Trick

It may not always be immediately obvious, but the underlying message of the I Am Fabulous chronicles is that real confidence comes from being comfortable with who you are. Even if that means accepting having a hefty dose of writer’s block, as I need to do today. Taking my own advice, I’m faking it ‘til I make it, deciding to just get something on paper, whether I like it or not. I know I can put it off until tomorrow, but I’m wise to my own tricks and don’t want to start down the slippery slope of letting my mind get away with thinking that my inspiration has dried up. That couldn’t possibly be the case, because I know that when I’m willing to trust myself and my own creativity, there is an endless flow of inspiration.

And so it is with confidence – when we’re willing to shake off our own insecurities, the truth of who we are can make itself known. In developing self-confidence and self-worth, we’re not so much creating something new, but restoring an awareness of who we really are at heart. This is a process that requires letting go of the negative tales you’ve believed about yourself and being willing to learn to focus on your essential goodness. This is probably the most challenging part for most of us: being OK with thinking good things about ourselves. We’ve had a lifetime of instruction in how not to be big-headed, to show off or be selfish and absolutely no guidance on how to care for and nourish ourselves.

This is particularly true of women, but men don’t escape those self-denying messages. I just heard a caller on a radio talk show discussing his inability to say ‘no’ and what that may have stemmed from. Looking back into his childhood, he recalled a song he was taught at Sunday school, which went something like “Jesus, Others and You, put yourself last and that spells JOY’. No surprises there, then. Being loving to others is a wonderful credo to live by, but in a valiant effort to ‘do the right thing’ most of us have forgotten to be even slightly loving to ourselves. It’s so alien to us now that thinking well of ourselves seems completely out of character. A friend who runs spiritual retreats tells me that the most challenging prayer for most people is not one where we admit our faults, but one which goes “Show me the truth about myself, however beautiful that may be.”

So where do you start? First, by accepting exactly who you are right now and dropping the daily drip-feed of self-criticism. When you get up in the morning and look at yourself in the mirror, look kindly. Think of something to be positive about – your character, your kindness, your sense of fun. See that, not the physical imperfections you tend look for when you see yourself in the mirror. Challenge yourself to find things you like about your body. Have fun: think mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

Get a journal and get writing. Start a book of ‘I Like That About Me’ stories and fill it with all the times you’ve achieved something, felt confident or done something adventurous, inspired or kind. This is a fabulous resource you can go back to every time you need a confidence boost. If you’re about to go for a job interview and you need an uplift, use your ‘I Like That About Me’ book to help you tap into your memories of being self-assured and successful, and I guarantee you’ll be feeling like you could take on the world.

Buddy up. Find a friend who wants to work on her confidence too. Challenge each other to tell stories about yourselves in a positive light and share the things you love about each other. Have a bragging competition and see who can be the most over-the-top and still keep a straight face.
Whenever you have a spare moment, daydream in a positive way. See yourself achieving the things you want to achieve. Imagine yourself being loved and appreciated. It’s your daydream, so go for it. The more real it feels, the better.

Remember who loves you and why. Imagine being a friend or loved one who cares for you deeply and see yourself through their eyes. What is it they love about you? What have your friends and family told you that they appreciate about you? Are you a great listener, good company, thoughtful, wild, entertaining, stylish or even a bit mad? Learn to love what others already find lovable in you.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, just out of a sense of duty. Learn to say ‘no’ when you need to. All your positive thoughts about yourself will not make any real difference if the actions you are taking undermine your sense of self-worth. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility for others can be a way of dishonouring yourself. Make yourself and your own wellbeing a priority.

When you are willing to let go of a notion of ‘being good’ and are ready to accept that you already are good, then you can trust yourself to make the right choices for yourself and for others. This opens the door to your own intuitive guidance, which is an inner wellspring of creativity and confidence, ready and waiting for you whenever you want to tap into it. The proof is in the reading - if it can cure writer’s block, imagine what it can do for you …

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who trusts her inner sense of what is right for her. Who refuses to twist her life out of shape to meet the expectations of others …
Imagine a woman who has grown in knowledge and love of herself. A woman who has vowed faithfulness to her own life and capacities. Who remains loyal to herself. Regardless.
Imagine yourself as this woman.
- Patricia Lynn Reilly, Imagine A Woman In Love With Herself

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All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 Apr 06)