Appreciation & Approval

Oscar fever is about to kick off, with the nominations due to be announced this week. So begins the season of fab frocks and films – what better combination could there be? – and some of the dullest celebrity clichés will get their annual airing in response to that most inane of questions: ‘How does if feel to be nominated?’.

It’s always fascinating to see how many Hollywood greats can trot out the line about it being ‘an honour just to be nominated’ with absolutely no conviction whatsoever. Thankfully, every now and then, some newcomer enthusiastically admits how wonderful it would be to get the golden boy. When it comes to the big night, however, virtually everyone adopts fake humility as a crowd-pleaser.

When did appreciation get to be a dirty word? Why should it be a crime to welcome some recognition? Self-deprecation may be socially-acceptable, but it’s also totally anti-fab. Lest you get the wrong idea, I’m not advocating the kind of hubris shown by the director James Cameron a few years ago when he shouted “I’m the king of the world” when collecting yet another Oscar for the tiresome cheese-fest that was Titanic. It would just be great to see some authentic, graceful and grateful acceptance speeches that reflected real self-esteem along with genuine joy at receiving recognition.

Oscar night is always open season if you want to see real-life depictions of the difference between healthy acceptance of appreciation and seeking approval. In the ongoing journey of fabulousness, getting this one sussed is a big deal. As Paul Ferrini writes in The Silence of the Heart, “Appreciation and approval are two entirely different things. Appreciation is the natural, spontaneous flow of energy back to you when others feel connected to you and your story. There is nothing you can do to precipitate appreciation, other than be yourself and tell the truth … The search for approval is based on the consciousness that you are not enough. … It shouts out to the world ‘I need you to value me because I don’t value myself’.”

Possibly the most cringe-worthy Oscar moment of approval-seeking came way back in the 80’s when Sally Field was picking up her second Oscar. “I haven’t had an orthodox career”, she said, “and I’ve wanted more than anything to have your respect. The first time I didn’t feel it, but this time I feel it, and I can’t deny the fact that you like me, right now you really like me!”

At the time it made me deeply uncomfortable to hear it, but I couldn’t have put my finger on why it did. Now I realise just how destructive the need for approval can be. It is the one force in your life that can completely de-rail you and send you into more dead-end choices than you could ever have imagined. If your life is built around the approval of others, it can never be an authentic reflection of who you are and will never be truly fulfilling. The disease to please will rob your life of any real joy and leave you without a foundation of self-worth, entirely at the mercy of other people’s opinions.

Getting the balance right between inner-directedness and outer approval can be tough challenge. Martha Beck, author of Finding Your Own North Star, likens pleasing others to sex: “When we do it because we really want to, it’s a wonderfully life-affirming way to strengthen a relationship, but when it’s motivated by obligation, powerlessness or calculated advantage, it’s the very definition of degrading. The key to an authentic emotional life, like the key to an authentic sex life, is to follow your real desires.”

Family, peer and career pressures can often make it difficult to discern if you’re following your true desires or simply fitting in with other people’s expectations and ambitions for you. The best question for testing if you’re doing something out of a need for approval or from a genuine drive for fulfilment is to ask yourself ‘Would I do it anyway?’ Regardless of what anyone else thinks, would this be something you would choose? If it feels scary to be carving out a new direction for yourself, take comfort in the knowledge that as you give yourself permission to follow your heart, you encourage others to do the same.
However your path unfolds, have the chutzpah to enjoy a little recognition along the way. It’s all the sweeter when you know you’ve done something for the right reasons, not for someone else’s approval. Maybe you’ll end up making a fabulous acceptance speech like Shirley MacLaine, who collected the golden statuette for her role in Terms of Endearment. "Films and life are like clay, waiting for us to mould it," she said, "and when you trust your own insides and that becomes achievement, it's a kind of principle that seems to me is at work with everyone. God bless that principle. God bless that potential that we all have for making anything possible if we think we deserve it." And then she added: "I deserve this."

Now that’s pure fabulousness!

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All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 30 Jan 06)