Feed Your Spirit

This is the 100th I Am Fab, so it’s probably a good time to revisit some basics. Right now I’m noticing quite a few people around me who are suffering from various forms of burnout. For some it’s just a low-level exhaustion that never seems to lift and others are failing to pay attention to the universe’s not-so-subtle attempts to get them to slow down. Here’s a clue – if you’ve got an illness or an injury, chances are you need to rest. It’s not an invitation to do as much as usual or even more!

Not only do we fail to pick up on the messages from our body along the way, even when we’re incapacitated we just can’t seem to grasp the concept that life is telling us to put our feet up for a while. There is nothing admirable about dragging yourself around, trying to keep up a gung-ho schedule when you’re meant to be taking care of yourself. We seem to have lost the art of acceptance when it comes to slowing down the pace of life and taking time out for ourselves.

We all need a balance between external activity and relaxation, and that balance is very personal. Some of us who are more extrovert find that our energy is restored by spending time with friends, yet others may find that they only truly relax on their own. It’s up to each of us to discover what replenishes our energy and to make sure that we create opportunities to take advantage of that.

There’s a pervasive belief that ‘good’ people are always giving, but the truth of the matter is that it’s not sustainable. You need to give to yourself, to fill up at the well of your own replenishment, in order to have anything left to give to others. It’s not a selfish act to take care of yourself – ultimately, it does no good to anyone to exhaust yourself and make yourself ill.

The real trick is learning to catch burnout before it rears its ugly head. When you’re in a cycle of doing everything for others and nothing for yourself, it’s easy to believe that there’s no time for anything else, especially doing what you love. That kind of manic, driven behaviour is precisely what creates a miserable life and potentially injury and illness. When we do things out of duty and sacrifice, we suck the joy out of life and end up just going through the motions.

Taking a little time out each day to feed your spirit by doing the small things that lift your mood will restore a sense of peace and make you feel connected to your purpose, ensuring that you stay energised and inspired. A poor sense of self-worth will tell you that you need to fulfil your obligations to others first, or that you don’t deserve to take time for yourself. To build a healthy self-esteem – and steer clear of burnout – you need to learn to treat yourself as well as you treat others. When you honour yourself, you are giving a clear signal to yourself and others that you value yourself and you deserve to be treated well. The more you do this, the more those self-defeating and self-destructive driven behaviours will fall away – and the happier and healthier you will be.

If you’ve already overdone it, learn to accept where you are right now. Pushing through it won’t help. If you need to slow down, then do it – and do it gracefully. Don’t sit about feeling miserable about the enforced rest. Use the time in a positive way, reading books you’ve meant to read for ages, using the time for creative pursuits or thinking deeply about where you really want your life to be heading.

This week, check the balance between activities that are outward-focusing and those that restore your energy or bring you inner peace. If it’s all for others and your schedule is jammed, start building in mini-breaks during the day to do whatever it takes to feel you’ve carved out some time for yourself. Take a walk, phone a friend, go out for lunch instead of sitting at your desk, look for a new class to sign up for, rent a movie or get a manicure. Pay attention to what helps you relieve stress: meditation, exercise, fresh air, painting, dancing, going to new places – the list is endless, so explore the ones that work for you.

We’re hunkering down for the autumn now, so this time of year is perfect to explore new hobbies and to remind yourself of your ‘someday’ list of things you’ve always wanted to do. Just make a start by trying something different and you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel.
Oh, and if I Am Fab has made a difference in your life during these last hundred chronicles, drop me a line and let me know. It would be fabulous to hear your stories.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 24 Sep 07)

The Lotus In The City

As it was hangover central at Chez Fabulous this weekend and it’s been another busy day today, we’ll be aiming for quality over quantity when it comes to I Am Fab this week. In fact, there may be mostly short dispatches from Fab Towers over the next few weeks, as I settle into a new project which is shaping up to be quite time-consuming. While I may ambitiously hold the Type A personality intention of trying to fit it all in, it’s realistic to assume that something’s got to give, at least in the short term. Writing’s my first love, though, so nothing’s going to shut me up for long!

Having been lured back into the corporate world on a full-time basis for the next few months, I’ve had to get very focused on how to sustain the practices that keep me sane and be very disciplined in keeping those commitments. For me that means plenty of time in the morning for meditation, without which I could give Lucy van Pelt from the Peanuts comic strip a good run for her money in terms of grouchiness. It’s safe to say that setting aside that time is not only a benefit to me, but also to my colleagues, who get to face someone with at least a basic sense of serenity in the morning, not the grumpy cow I would naturally be without it. Some people are morning people and I’m so not one of them.

During the day, I’m making sure I get time out for a coffee or lunch away from my desk, because pushing yourself to keep working without a break is completely counterproductive. Even a few minutes walking in the fresh air is enough to clear your head and re-energise you. When you exhaust yourself by pushing yourself without a break, your ability to concentrate is weakened and everything takes so much longer to do. The worst thing a busy person can do is assume they’re too frantic to take even a few minutes to recharge – ploughing on regardless isn’t the smart thing to do, it’s actually a risky strategy that means you’re more likely to make mistakes or overlook things because your ability to focus is impaired.

Of an evening, because my work involves a lot of strategising, meaning there’s a strong mental focus, I’m carving out a few sessions a week at the health club to do something that gets me back in my body to de-stress and switch off. Believe me, this is happening because I’ve learned that it’s essential to my well-being, not because I have any ambitions to be a gym bunny. I’m a dyed-in-the wool, card-carrying lounge lizard, but even I have to face the fact that moving your body is the best way to shake off the workaday blues.

So that’s my personal recipe for staying sane in a nine-to-five world – what’s yours? Do you have a structure that supports you to feel at your best even when you’re working flat strap? I’m all for freedom, but discipline can be your best friend when you’re trying to cope with a busy lifestyle. What are the practices (and they don’t all have to be hard work) that would make your day go a little easier? Can you promise yourself firmly that you’ll make the effort to go out for a decent coffee, rather than sit at your desk with the miserable machine version? Is there a park or even a local bookstore nearby, that you can sneak off to for a little peace and quiet on a frantic day? Do you have a health club membership that you’re not using? If so, why not use a bit of carrot and stick psychology on yourself by booking a treat like a massage or facial after a yoga class?

Pay attention, too, to what you find yourself doing impulsively, because that’ll be a clue to what needs expression in your life. This weekend, I found myself buying up big when I stumbled on a supply of brightly-coloured Antik Batik sequinned kaftan tops. You could call that shopaholism rearing its ugly head, but I realised that for me it symbolises the need for creative expression – if I’m not doing as much creative work as I’m normally accustomed to, then subconsciously I’ll find a way to express myself, even if it happens to be by filling my wardrobe with rich hippie style clothes.

The bottom line is that you’re the one in charge of your own well-being, so it’s your responsibility to pay attention to your own needs and find a way to fulfil them. If you don’t make time to take care of yourself, no-one else will. Get your priorities right and make sure that you’re taking the steps to build a lifestyle that helps you to feel fabulous, however frantic life gets. Drop the guilt if sometimes you just can’t fit everything in – a fabulous attitude is a flexible one. And if all else fails, go buy a few kaftans … it works for me!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 23 Apr 07)

It's Christmas Again Already?

How did that happen? One minute Christmas seems reassuringly far away and the next minute it’s just around the corner. I’m not entirely ‘bah humbug’ about the whole thing – after all, any opportunity to celebrate with champagne is always welcome – but the yuletide season pressures are more than a little off-putting. The parties are great, but the high-stress preparations for the big day are as anti-fab as it gets.

So here’s my promise for the week – no suggestions on things to do, other than to relax, have fun and enjoy the break. Sod the self-improvement – just cut yourself some slack and have a good time!

The emphasis at this time of year may always be on giving, but it’s also a time to receive, so if you’re the one who’s always looking after everyone else, let someone look after you for a change. Let this be a Christmas where if someone offers help, you take it.

In the spirit of the season, here’s a light-hearted tip on inner peace that was emailed to me by a friend. It’s an oldie, but a goodie …

I'm passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel! Please pass this on to those who you think might be in need of inner peace.

If that particular tip doesn’t appeal to you, then let me introduce you to my latest relaxing pastime – creating online Jackson Pollock style paintings. You’ll be amazed at how therapeutic this can be, when you just need a quick break from a stressful day. Go to http://www.jacksonpollock.org/ and move the cursor to start painting. Click to change colours and enjoy creating your own masterpiece of modern art.

Finally, it wouldn’t be Christmas without a present or two, so here’s a collection of free meditations, e-books and interviews provided as a gift by a group of Hay House authors, including health guru Crystal Andrus, intuitive trainer Sonia Choquette, past life regressionist Denise Linn, medical intuitive Carol Ritberger and shaman Alberto Villoldo. To claim your gifts, go to www.colettebaronreid.com/poster.html and click on each of the twelve little red boxes.

Have a joyful, peaceful and fabulous Christmas!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 18 Dec 06)

Time To Retreat

If everything in our lives shows up for a reason, then the surgery has definitely made an appearance to teach me the fine art of rest. Despite being a born lounge lizard who can loll about doing absolutely nothing without even the faintest tinge of guilt, as soon as I’m required to be inactive I can’t wait to get up and about. It’s an utterly perverse affliction that is never worse than on long-haul flights, where I insist on having an aisle seat simply to preserve the sanity of my seat companions, who would be driven to distraction by my jack-in-the-box antics if they had to get up and down as many times as I do. This is coming from a person who can flop out on the couch endlessly for a movie marathon or sit transfixed by the box set of 24 for more hours than I care to mention, which is why it’s such a curious behavioural quirk.

The knee thing has been a similar kind of challenge. I find myself trying to live life as normally as possible, with little or no concession to my current lack of mobility or even the exhaustion which is to be expected so soon after surgery. While that may be an admirable aspiration, it’s hardly practical – or self-nurturing. What’s kicked in is the old workaholic habit of trying to soldier on regardless, when in truth the most effective thing I could do for myself right now is allow my body to heal properly. Having allowed myself a short period of restfulness and peace, the driven part of me is at it again already, creating an internal pressure to ‘do something’. This is such a Western malaise – we worship at the altar of productivity, so as soon as we’re indisposed, our sense of worth is challenged, hence the drive to return to activity as soon as possible.

So, the prescription for me right now is to turn down the volume on that particular bit of learned behaviour and listen to the call for deeper rest. Nothing good ever comes from pushing yourself beyond your natural limits. It’s true that we need to move outside our comfort zones and to challenge what we think our limits are at times, but there are also plenty of instances where it’s blindingly obvious that our natural limits are there to protect us - and this is one of them.

Given the daily pressure of the productivity work ethic, it’s quite easy to get to the point where you’re way overdue for a rest or retreat, but fail to read the signals. Sometimes it’s recurring bouts of minor illnesses that give you the clue, other times it’s a feeling of overwhelm or exhaustion that won’t seem to go away, or even just a yearning to get out of the city and see some greenery. However it shows up in your life, it’s important to pay attention to this call to replenish the well.

As Jennifer Louden, author of The Woman’s Retreat Book, says, “The call to retreat is your signal to go. You've been in the doing cycle of your life long enough (way too long, you may be muttering). It is time to turn within. Can you hear the call? It may be very distant and weak at first but it is there. It may be a small voice begging you to attend to your inner life. It may be images of nourishing moments in nature. It may be a snatch of a poem or song. Take a moment to sit quietly. Right now. Make no effort to do anything. Only breathe slowly and deeply and listen.”

In modern life we’re very adept at activity, but much less proficient at listening – to our inner selves, our passion, our creativity or even our physical bodies. There’s so much going on, that just getting everything done is a challenge and we become accustomed to suppressing our innermost desires – or our need to replenish our reserves – in order to stick to a schedule or just get things done. When this becomes a regular occurrence, it develops the insidious habit of disconnection from our intuition, our passion and our purpose.

When the still, small voice can’t be heard over the clamour of day-to-day life, then some form of retreat is required. It might be enough to take a day out or a weekend away to restore your spirit, but a deeper disassociation from self will require more time and distance to fully relax and reconnect.

This week, prevention is better than the cure. Take a few moments of quiet to reflect on where you might pushing yourself to be productive, when rest is actually what’s called for. Are you ignoring an underlying feeling of exhaustion? Have you lost a sense of perspective on where your life’s headed? Is it time for a re-think and a refocus? Have you lost your sense of passion and purpose?

If any (or all) of the above apply, start by building in moments of peacefulness and rest where you can. Get out in nature, even if it’s only for a brief walk. Make sure you take a proper lunch-hour – getting away from your desk is vital if you want to replenish your energy. Find peaceful places – libraries and bookstores are easy examples to find – and sit quietly. As soon as you can, make plans to get away. A change of scenery will alter your habitual ways of thinking, allowing the voice of your inner wisdom some space to enter.

If you can’t get away, try creating your own retreat at home. Take the phone off the hook, ban the TV and plan a gentle balance between rest and activities that refresh the spirit, like visiting a gallery, indulging in a pampering massage or trying a gentle exercise class like yoga or pilates. The aim is to do different things that promote a sense of stillness or inspiration, or to do nothing at all. Either approach is equally valid, so choose what you feel you need the most right now.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is nothing at all.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 27 Nov 06)

The Right Stuff

The freelance life has brought a lot of flexibility to my concept of an office – generally for a few days a week it’s table number one in my favourite restaurant, last week it was anything from a rather cramped airline tray table to a beach bar in Olü Deniz, and today I’m utilising the perfect space for knocking out a bit of copy in total comfort, ie my bed. If we weren’t heading into winter, I’d invest in one of those fabulous outdoor Turkish day-beds – which I now know to be called a kösk – with a canopy swathed in silk and loaded to the hilt with cushions, but sadly that’s not a viable option in anything but high summer here in weather-challenged England.

I’ve resorted to the bed-writing concept as I seem to have turned into Ms Busy of late, which is rather wreaking havoc on my normal laid-back lifestyle. Gone is the time to goof about of a morning pretending to meditate or indulging in a half-hearted attempt at Chi Gong, so life is requiring me to be a tad more organised if I want to fit in all the stuff that keeps me ticking over. For me it’s clear that although there’s a lot that can go by the wayside, there are some cornerstones to my life that guarantee a more peaceful transition into the day and they can be modified, but never completely sacrificed.

Most people aren’t up to much until they’ve had their first cup of coffee, but I’m a bad news bear unless I get a chance to slip in even the most minimal meditation session. If I have the time, I’ll try all sorts of things that would pretty much guarantee me a cameo role in Ab Fab, such as chanting, body prayers, stillness practices or good old-fashioned guided meditations. Having studied spiritual practices of the world religions, there’s nothing better than taking advantage of this enormous devotional smorgasbord and trying out new practices to refresh your connection to the spiritual life. Bottom line, though, it doesn’t need to be anything fancy. On a busy day, even five minutes of inner peace is enough to top up the reserves and leave you feeling in tune and on purpose.

Spiritual practice needs to be something that enhances your life and brings you joy, not something you feel is a chore or an imposition. That’s one of the reasons I tend to use a lot of variety in my own meditations, because I try to make them responsive to how my life is unfolding. Some practices are better for gathering energy, others are more calming and some bring a very strong, heartfelt sense of connection to all life.

In a world where we’re all increasingly busy, simplicity is an even greater attraction. We’re over-stimulated by too much choice – even just ordering a coffee is a complex business when you have to decide if it’s a decaf, skinny, grande, latte, mocha choca whatever – and we’re absolutely strung out on information overload. Overflowing email inboxes and incessantly ringing mobile phones mean we’re more in touch than ever, yet somehow we actually communicate less. Messages are staccato and include just the basics, becoming more and more impersonal. Time is the commodity we all want, allegedly to spend with our family and friends, but we’re busy getting anything but.

This particular downward spiral of busyness will never solve itself of its own accord. You have to grab it by the throat and take charge of your own schedule in a gung-ho kind of way that brooks no interference. Some things just have to be sacred. It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, but it does mean that you have to start choosing what’s important to you and carving out time in your life for it.

If this seems slightly contradictory to last week’s suggestion that you loosen up your schedule and make space for serendipity, then welcome to the wonderful world of paradox, ie life. It’s a balancing act of structure and space, and only you can determine if it’s working in the right way for you. I tend to need a lot of freedom, but I’ve also realised that structure serves me to ensure that I have time for the things that I enjoy and the practices that keep me sane.

Funnily enough I used to be such a complete lounge lizard that my dream life would have been being carried around on a sedan chair – OK, that bit’s still true – but in the past year I have inexplicably discovered the joy of exercise, so much so that I structure my days to ensure I have time to make it to classes. Any of my friends reading this will probably be in shock right about now, because this is a bit of a guilty secret, but I’ve somehow managed to get past the ‘exercise as pain in the arse’ barrier to discover that it makes me feel better and I actually enjoy it. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I was glad to be back from my trip so I could settle back into my stretch class and yoga routine – how sad is that? But I digress … the point is that it’s so easy to let life run you, so you have to take a stand for what’s important to you.

Being adaptable is another key trick to holding fast to what you value. Sometimes it’s just not possible to fit in everything you want to, so the fabulous thing to do is to learn to go with the flow and still make sure you carry the essence of what you value with you. Can’t make a class? Five minutes stretching is better than nothing. No time for dinner with friends? Have a coffee. Can’t find enough time for meditation? Even a few deep breaths can be enough to calm you and restore a sense of peace. You get the picture – being rigid means giving things up, but if you’re flexible you can find a way to have even just a little taste of what you enjoy, and that will give you the energy to get through a busy day with more grace and energy.

This week’s fabulous anti-busyness practice is twofold: first make sure you structure in a defined time for something you enjoy and, secondly, create a ‘Plan B’ adaptable version in case life throws a curveball at you. What is it that you want more of in your life? What are you always saying that you’ll do, but never get around to? This week, get it in the diary and make it sacred. Don’t allow anyone to guilt you into postponing it. If you genuinely can’t do it for some unforeseen reason – and it had better be a good one – then create a ‘mini-me’ version that you can manage to fit in to even the busiest schedule. Fabulous people know what makes them tick and they make time for what’s important to them – that’s what makes them fabulous. Be fab and live life your way.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 23 Oct 06)