I’ll spare you the full details, but suffice to say it has been a bit of a nightmare getting back online again. The usual rollercoaster of emotions came in to play as it seemed like the problem was solved, then it wasn’t, and all the while deadlines were looming ominously – the past couple of weeks have been uber-stressful, to say the least. Oddly enough, illness, tragedy or even sheer exhaustion have never put the brakes on my writing before, but a crashing laptop has managed to stop me in my tracks. Such is the power of technology …While we’re on the subject of exhaustion, I have to admit that a recurring pattern of burnout is emerging in my life again. That’s the agony and the ecstasy of psycho-spiritual development – it’s great when you break through one level of a pattern, but not so much fun when it reappears in another guise and you realise you didn’t have quite so much of a handle on it as you might have thought. Bummer!
Yes, it’s rather frustrating, but in reality if you’re wandering around on the planet, you’re guaranteed to still have stuff to be dealing with – beware anyone who claims to have it all sorted. We do what we can and we stay mindful for opportunities to shine light on our blind spots, where the types of self-defeating behaviour that we habitually indulge in lurk. Mine is the classic overdeveloped responsibility/caretaker gene – trying to please everyone, get everything done and meet every demand without taking proper self-care.
I know that pattern exists and I’ve suffered terrible consequences from it – including years of illness with chronic fatigue – and yet on some level, I’m still doing it. No matter how much you know intellectually, until you really begin to live that knowledge in a way that’s deeply integrated into your life, the pattern will continue to re-emerge. As you start working on it, it does crop up less often and you do catch it earlier, but it takes a quantum shift in awareness to shut down a persistent pattern of self-destructive behaviour. While I’m a little frustrated with myself right now, I have now taken the lesson on board at a deeper level than before, which means it will affect not only the way I think, but the way I run my life from now on. The purpose of these kinds of occurrences in our lives is to bring up something that needs to be healed. It might drive us a little crazy along the way, but ultimately it’s the road to a more fulfilling life.
As the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin notes, “The actual task is to integrate the two threads of one’s life … the within and the without.” If your outer life is incongruent with the values of your inner world, something’s got to give. In my case, it shows up in the things around me – my graphics card on the laptop burned out, which is quite neat symbology, when you think about it – and then it starts to impact my health. Auto-immune issues are symbolically quite fascinating too, when you realise that the inability of the body to maintain its defences reflects the psychological inability to maintain good boundaries.
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It all comes down to self-worth at the end of the day. When you value the demands of others more than you value your own priorities, you’re going to suffer. If you do not provide yourself with the support and self-care that you need, don’t be surprised that there’s a price to pay. If you constantly place yourself in circumstances that undermine your self-worth or are not conducive to your well-being, that will take its toll. The company you keep is a very important aspect. Interestingly enough, I was listening to the financial coach, Suze Orman, the other day, who said something that hit me right between the eyes – “you cannot get involved with others who don’t value you and expect to thrive in your life”.
Even when we know what the problem is, it still takes more self-enquiry to uncover the reasons why we do the self-sabotaging things we do. We need to look at the reasons why we think other people’s priorities or demands are more important than our own, uncover those emotions, realise just how false our assumptions are and start taking action. When you make a commitment to stepping away from sacrifice and move in to creating firmer boundaries, you’ll get an instant response. Those who were around you because you were an easy touch will fall away, those who think they have a right to your time will put up a bit of a fight but will eventually capitulate and your very good friends will be applauding your new-found confidence.
We’re moving in to that time of year when we’re all a bit frazzled and there are plenty of demands from work, family and friends to be juggled. In fact, in a recent Harris Interactive survey, only 15% of people said they were energised by their jobs and a staggering 45% said they were burned out. This December, if you want to avoid burnout, start the month by working out your own plan of self-care. What demands are others placing on you that are unreasonable? How can you rearrange your schedule to drop the things that aren’t urgent or that you genuinely don’t want to do? What are the things that keep you feeling energetic and positive and when can you schedule them in to your day to make sure that you take care of yourself? Who do you need to say no to?
When you have a few minutes, take a look at a problem that keeps popping up in your life. What’s the underlying pattern? Is it the same situation in a different guise? What kinds of symbolic things are showing up – car battery going flat, health issues, keep losing things? What might those occurrences be reflecting back to you? Know that a pattern recurs until you heal the underlying belief that’s sabotaging your life. What is this problem trying to tell you? Get out of victim mode (the one who suffers) and into power mode (the one who has the vision to heal it) and get ready to let that sucker go.
Let’s say adios to our self-sacrificing habits this week and create some much more beautiful patterns that reflect the truth of who we really are.
Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 Dec 07)
