Drawing The Line

Well, this is as timely a moment to talk about boundaries as any. It’s the time of year when obligations loom large, when we’re all dashing about doing things we’d rather not be doing, but trying to cram it all in anyway. To top it all off, we get to hang around the house with our dysfunctional family dynamics, which are generally further ignited by the addition of a generous dose of alcohol. Not exactly a recipe for Christmas cheer, is it? Let’s find a way to make this festive season a little brighter, shall we …

The golden rule – the one that will stand you in good stead now and in the future – is to set clear boundaries. It’s that simple.

Now for the hard part – we all know this, but somehow we just don’t manage to do it, especially when it comes to close family and friends. Sometimes the reason is fear of confrontation, sometimes it’s about keeping the peace, sometimes it seems easier just to let someone get away with appalling behaviour rather than try to fight it. Whatever the reason, the problem is the same – if you don’t take care of yourself, no-one else is going to do it for you.

If you’re exhausted and need time out, take it. If someone consistently behaves badly, let them know in a measured way that it’s not acceptable. Removing yourself from their sphere of influence is a start, but it’s not a solution. The problem will always remain until you grasp the nettle and get clear about what is acceptable behaviour to you. This can be extremely difficult, I know, as controlling characters have no talent for healthy conflict resolution. Janet Bluestein, author of Parents, Teens & Boundaries: How To Draw The Line, views the majority of people as either ‘Bulldozers’ or ‘Doormats’. She says “Bulldozers need to win, to have their needs taken care of, and feel entitled to do so at the expense of the other person … Doormats are terribly accommodating, but at the expense of their own needs. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts. Doormats often function in the hope that being ‘nice’ enough will inspire people around them to figure out and accommodate their needs.” Sound familiar?

She goes on to note “Growing up with either or both of these models, we receive a number of messages that present obstacles when we attempt to take care of ourselves in relationships with others, messages that connect our worth and loveableness to our ability to please others. If most of the people in our lives operated on some form of win-lose method of conflict resolution, either by violating and disempowering (as a Bulldozer) or by self-abandoning (as a Doormat) it can be hard to imagine win-win solutions that consider the needs of all parties involved.”

Perhaps the most fascinating part of that statement is the identification of the Doormat character as ‘self-abandoning’. Let’s assume that Bulldozers are fairly unlikely to be reading this, given their general lack of self-awareness, so the emphasis here is going to be on how to move out of Doormat mode. For any stray Bulldozers who may be lurking about on the site, the advice is simple – pay attention to how your demands are affecting others and develop sensitivity to other people’s needs.

First of all, let’s change the terminology. Bulldozer v Doormat doesn’t sound like a battle that can ever be resolved healthily – especially if you’re the Doormat! However, Controller v Accommodator is looking a bit more like a level playing ground. When you can see that the other person may be making unreasonable demands which you’re enabling by accommodating them, you can make a choice to act differently. No-one can continue to treat you badly without your complicity in allowing it to happen. That’s the important part of the ‘self-abandoning’ identification – the issue is less that others are making demands of us, but more that we are abandoning our own needs (and ourselves) by accommodating them against our own better judgement.

Some situations may already be out of hand, which can demand quite radical boundary setting. If it’s gone too far and the person simply refuses to see your point of view and alter their behaviour, it may be necessary to cut off contact temporarily, if not permanently. It is never healthy to continue to put yourself in the line of fire if you know there is no chance of your point of view ever being respected.

The issue here is never to abandon yourself, to always remember that a demand from another does not necessarily take precedence. It’s not about being selfish and becoming a Bulldozer instead, but about honouring yourself and not allowing others to take advantage. As Janet Bluestein says, “Boundary setting considers the needs of the other person, although it does not always accommodate them. In other words, ‘my way or the highway’ is bulldozing, not boundary setting … Boundary-setting always takes one’s own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication, (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).”

For those of you who have been inflicted with the ‘disease to please’, here are some insights from Robert Burney, author of Co-Dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls:

· “We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) – then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you than with people who treat you in loving ways.”

· “Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly and honestly.”

· “Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to yourself. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself – to protect yourself when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to yourself without owning yourself – and owning your rights and responsibilities as a co-creator of your life.”

Bottom line, it all comes down to clear communication, stating directlywhat is acceptable to you and what is not. The sooner you do this in any relationship the better, before unhealthy patterns start to form. Don’t confuse this with being defended – there’s no need to race out and set strict boundaries for other people’s behaviour if no issue has arisen. That’s just another form of control. Healthy boundary-setting is done in the moment, in response to your own feelings about the demands that are being placed on you. Remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ – just because someone’s made a request, that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate it.

This week, pay attention to how you’re responding to the many demands on your time and energy. Say ‘yes’ only to those you feel genuinely comfortable with and let the others go. If someone is making you feel pressured or is treating you in an unacceptable way, make clear to them in a calm way what you are comfortable with and what you will not accept. If they persist, there must be consequences. If they don’t adjust their behaviour, make it clear what the consequence will be. Be prepared to stand your ground – do not abandon yourself. It might be a little tough in the beginning, but clear boundaries will reap much greater rewards in the future. Let’s face it, who wants another dysfunctional Christmas? Make this a healthy and a happy one.
If you need an empowering boundary-setting theme song, check out this video of ‘Fight Outta You’ by Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals. Something tells me he’s met a Bulldozer or two …

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=golCPnUiKv4

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Dec 07)

Wheels Within Wheels

I’ll spare you the full details, but suffice to say it has been a bit of a nightmare getting back online again. The usual rollercoaster of emotions came in to play as it seemed like the problem was solved, then it wasn’t, and all the while deadlines were looming ominously – the past couple of weeks have been uber-stressful, to say the least. Oddly enough, illness, tragedy or even sheer exhaustion have never put the brakes on my writing before, but a crashing laptop has managed to stop me in my tracks. Such is the power of technology …

While we’re on the subject of exhaustion, I have to admit that a recurring pattern of burnout is emerging in my life again. That’s the agony and the ecstasy of psycho-spiritual development – it’s great when you break through one level of a pattern, but not so much fun when it reappears in another guise and you realise you didn’t have quite so much of a handle on it as you might have thought. Bummer!

Yes, it’s rather frustrating, but in reality if you’re wandering around on the planet, you’re guaranteed to still have stuff to be dealing with – beware anyone who claims to have it all sorted. We do what we can and we stay mindful for opportunities to shine light on our blind spots, where the types of self-defeating behaviour that we habitually indulge in lurk. Mine is the classic overdeveloped responsibility/caretaker gene – trying to please everyone, get everything done and meet every demand without taking proper self-care.

I know that pattern exists and I’ve suffered terrible consequences from it – including years of illness with chronic fatigue – and yet on some level, I’m still doing it. No matter how much you know intellectually, until you really begin to live that knowledge in a way that’s deeply integrated into your life, the pattern will continue to re-emerge. As you start working on it, it does crop up less often and you do catch it earlier, but it takes a quantum shift in awareness to shut down a persistent pattern of self-destructive behaviour. While I’m a little frustrated with myself right now, I have now taken the lesson on board at a deeper level than before, which means it will affect not only the way I think, but the way I run my life from now on. The purpose of these kinds of occurrences in our lives is to bring up something that needs to be healed. It might drive us a little crazy along the way, but ultimately it’s the road to a more fulfilling life.

As the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin notes, “The actual task is to integrate the two threads of one’s life … the within and the without.” If your outer life is incongruent with the values of your inner world, something’s got to give. In my case, it shows up in the things around me – my graphics card on the laptop burned out, which is quite neat symbology, when you think about it – and then it starts to impact my health. Auto-immune issues are symbolically quite fascinating too, when you realise that the inability of the body to maintain its defences reflects the psychological inability to maintain good boundaries.
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It all comes down to self-worth at the end of the day. When you value the demands of others more than you value your own priorities, you’re going to suffer. If you do not provide yourself with the support and self-care that you need, don’t be surprised that there’s a price to pay. If you constantly place yourself in circumstances that undermine your self-worth or are not conducive to your well-being, that will take its toll. The company you keep is a very important aspect. Interestingly enough, I was listening to the financial coach, Suze Orman, the other day, who said something that hit me right between the eyes – “you cannot get involved with others who don’t value you and expect to thrive in your life”.

Even when we know what the problem is, it still takes more self-enquiry to uncover the reasons why we do the self-sabotaging things we do. We need to look at the reasons why we think other people’s priorities or demands are more important than our own, uncover those emotions, realise just how false our assumptions are and start taking action. When you make a commitment to stepping away from sacrifice and move in to creating firmer boundaries, you’ll get an instant response. Those who were around you because you were an easy touch will fall away, those who think they have a right to your time will put up a bit of a fight but will eventually capitulate and your very good friends will be applauding your new-found confidence.

We’re moving in to that time of year when we’re all a bit frazzled and there are plenty of demands from work, family and friends to be juggled. In fact, in a recent Harris Interactive survey, only 15% of people said they were energised by their jobs and a staggering 45% said they were burned out. This December, if you want to avoid burnout, start the month by working out your own plan of self-care. What demands are others placing on you that are unreasonable? How can you rearrange your schedule to drop the things that aren’t urgent or that you genuinely don’t want to do? What are the things that keep you feeling energetic and positive and when can you schedule them in to your day to make sure that you take care of yourself? Who do you need to say no to?

When you have a few minutes, take a look at a problem that keeps popping up in your life. What’s the underlying pattern? Is it the same situation in a different guise? What kinds of symbolic things are showing up – car battery going flat, health issues, keep losing things? What might those occurrences be reflecting back to you? Know that a pattern recurs until you heal the underlying belief that’s sabotaging your life. What is this problem trying to tell you? Get out of victim mode (the one who suffers) and into power mode (the one who has the vision to heal it) and get ready to let that sucker go.

Let’s say adios to our self-sacrificing habits this week and create some much more beautiful patterns that reflect the truth of who we really are.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 Dec 07)

Boundary Riders

Every year seems to have a theme and – from what I’ve noticed even this early on in the new year – this one is shaping up to be about clearing old patterns that stand between you and the life you want to live. I’m surrounded by friends and colleagues who are experiencing immediate challenges to the intentions they’ve set for themselves at work, at home and in relationships. It can be a little depressing to start out the year full of enthusiasm and find yourself mired in problems right from the off, but it’s also a sign that there’s either a little more internal work to be done or that your skills are being tested. You can’t really know for sure that you’re capable of doing something until you try it out, so there seems to be a universal mechanism to help you do that. Once you resolve to follow a course of action or behave in a different way, lots of opportunities for that resolve to be tested tend to arise in extraordinarily creative ways.

Rather than take these challenges as problems, it’s more helpful to see them for what they are – opportunities for a little resistance training. Looked at in this way, they can help you clarify what you really want and, more importantly, bring to light old patterns of behaviour that keep recreating similar issues, so that you can bust through them once and for all.

In essence, regardless of the issue you think you’re facing, most of these kinds of problems are boundary issues masquerading in different guises. If you’re alive and you’re not a 100% card-carrying control freak, then you’re pretty much guaranteed to have boundary issues. They’re so prevalent because our conditioning through our families, education and workplace is largely about control and sacrifice. Gill Edwards, author of Wild Love, describes this habitual way of relating as where “We have learned self-defeating ways of dealing with conflict. We have learned to be good or perfect or helpful or special in order to earn or deserve love. We have learned to hide behind roles and masks. We have learned to hold back.”

She adds “Conditional love means that we receive love and approval only if we are good and well-behaved by someone else’s standards. It means that only the ‘nice’ parts of us are acceptable, or those aspects which fit with our partner’s image of us.” For ‘partner’, of course, you can read friend, co-worker, boss, or relative. This dynamic will operate in any form of relationship, regardless of whether it’s familial, romantic or platonic. That’s why it’s so hard to set boundaries – when we are being controlled by others, we are in familiar territory. Challenging the status quo feels like a dangerous tactic, because we know that the conditional love or approval we are used to receiving by sacrificing our own will is absolutely at risk if we change our behaviour. On the surface it looks like a power struggle between you and another, but deep down it’s really a battle for control between the part of you that wants to be authentic and free and the part of you that feels safe in conforming.

Bottom line, it’s an issue of self-worth. As Gill Edwards notes, the controller mindset says “You need to make me feel safe and secure. You need to make me feel special and loved. You need to make me feel whole. And I will tame you into doing that for me. And when this (inevitably) fails, I will blame and shame you – or withdraw and distance myself – while still hanging onto you tightly.” In response, the sacrificing mindset says “I am not worthy of love, so I will allow you to tame me. You need to tell me how to earn your love, and keep myself safe and secure – by pleasing you and hiding whatever is bad or wrong with me.”

Neither of these mindsets is healthy and, by the way, neither is permanent. Although we have habitual roles, we can fluctuate in them depending on the relationships we have with others – sometimes we’re in sacrifice and sometimes we’re in control. With enough self-worth, however, we can set healthy boundaries with others and not feel as though we will lose their love or approval if we do. Equally, self-worth is the remedy for the control freak. When you’re comfortable and secure enough within yourself, you can relax your need to control others.

When we’re in touch with deeper part of ourselves, beyond insecurity and the fear of loss of approval, we can act authentically and free others to do the same. Our ways of relating become more like a gentle dance than a military tattoo – flowing, less regimented and more spontaneous. We know that conflicting desires are not a threat to a relationship, so we can be more relaxed about finding ways that work for both parties rather than having a dynamic where only person wins.

This week we’re working with the self-sacrificing part of the equation, as that’s what seems to be in the air, so that’s where the boundaries come in. Back in Australia, where the properties are so large that they’re millions of acres in size, we have boundary riders, whose main job is to check that the fences remain in good repair. In the old days riding the boundaries was a job for someone with good horsemanship, but these days a motorcycle licence is a more likely qualification. However you choose to police your own boundaries – at a gentle trot or a high-octane dash – the main aim is to keep a weather eye on how well you’re protecting your own interests. Are your fences falling in at the first sign of bad weather or can they withstand a bit of a storm? Are there places where you’ve ignored the need for boundaries altogether?

If you’re having trouble maintaining your boundaries, be gentle with yourself and realise that you’re dealing with a much bigger issue than whatever it appears to be about on the surface. If you find yourself giving in too easily on your own commitments to yourself, remember that a deeper part of you is terrified that saying ‘no’ means you’ll lose someone’s approval or love. The more you can get in touch with that feeling consciously, the more capable you’ll be of saying ‘no’ without being terrified of the ramifications.

So, this week, take a good look at all the areas of your life: your friendships, your romantic relationships, your family and your relationships with authority figures, including your bosses past and present, and see where you may have let your boundaries cave in. If that’s happened, look at why that might have occurred, ie ask yourself what were you afraid of losing, then forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself more strongly in the past and move on. Then you take a look at your current relationships and see where you might need stronger boundaries. Take a good ride around and check where some fences might need to be put into place or strengthened.

One final word of advice – don’t bother to expect that other people will always respect your boundaries. They’ll be tested on an almost daily basis, partly because most people are so hung up on their own stuff they don’t have the inclination to worry about what’s going on with you, but more importantly because it’s your job to take good care of yourself, not anyone else’s. When someone encroaches on your boundaries, it’s more often than not a test that will help you to be clear on what it is that you really want and how willing you are to stand up for yourself to get it. At that level of awareness, you can treat boundary issues as opportunities for greater self-knowledge and have a little fun with them, rather than get worn down by them. Ultimately that kind of self-awareness will bring much greater emotional freedom, more self-confidence and a firm foundation of self-worth – that’s a pretty fabulous payoff for a little boundary riding, don’t you think?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 8 Jan 07)

Park Life
It’s been an outdoor weekend for me, with plenty of music, picnics and fine performances. London really comes to life in the summer when we can soak up the culture al fresco, accompanied by fine food, wine and friends. First stop on the culture vulture tour of London’s parks was the Summer Swing festival at Kew Gardens, featuring Eliades Ochoa of the ever-fabulous Buena Vista Social Club. It’s impossible to sit still or be even slightly grumpy to the sound of a Cuban beat, particularly when performed by virtuoso musicians of ancient standing. A delicious surprise was the support act, Buena Fe, Cuba’s hottest band of the moment, who will no doubt be big time on the international scene very soon. Their album, Presagios, is going to be the soundtrack to my summer for sure.

Picnic hampers were to the ready again for a performance of The Taming Of The Shrew at the open air theatre in Regent’s Park. It’s such a magical venue, deserving of the well-staged and beautifully- acted show that had us mesmerised until nightfall. The only jarring note came from the message of the closing scenes, where – if Mr Shakespeare is to be believed – we women will all be much happier if we don’t bother our pretty heads with opinions of our own and simply learn to obey men. (Loving your work, Will, but the resolution to that play sucks.)

Shakespearian sexism aside, it’s so refreshing to be able to enjoy life in the open air, which is something I missed hugely when I came back from Spain. Admittedly the weather is far more reliable there, but they enter into the spirit with total gusto and the whole country bursts into a festival of celebration when summer rolls around. You can go to concerts in Moorish castles where rock music hangs as heavy in the air at dusk as the heady scent of jasmine, or eat, drink and be merry at beachside shacks or chiringuitos that spring up just for the season. Open air cinemas abound and every town seems to have its own little fiesta that makes full use of any local monument, plaza or piece of parkland for free concerts and performances. It’s social, artistic and egalitarian – and a ton of fun.

Just having good weather is no guarantee that you’ll know how to enjoy it, though, as I well remember from growing up in Australia. While we’d always had that sporty kind of identity as a country, culturally we were in a timewarp, transported wholesale from England and plonked down without alteration in a tropical climate. Outdoor cafes and restaurants were unheard of and we used to celebrate Christmas in 40oC degrees of heat by spraying fake snow on the windows. I suspect that’s where I developed a love of the absurd. Sweaty Santas, sunshine and surfboards may be a bizarre combination, but thankfully Australia now fully celebrates the outdoor lifestyle it has to offer.

So where am I going with all this? If you haven’t already guessed, this week is about embracing your true identity and all of its individual qualities. Part of that process is learning to set the boundaries that are necessary to allow that to happen. In order to express ourselves as individuals, we have to cut the apron-strings at some point – it’s a rite of passage. That means releasing old habits, restrictions or traditions that no longer suit you, so you can develop new ones that do. As you begin to make new choices for yourself, here’s a universal truth you need to keep in mind – no-one will ever thank you for changing. We humans are creatures of habit and we’re not overly enamoured with the idea of change, even when it’s positive. So, when you begin to live your life differently and begin to set new ground rules, expect a little resistance from others.

People tend to react to new boundaries in one of three ways: ignore, challenge or accept. None of their reactions are within your gift to control, but you can control how you respond to them. What’s important is that you stay gently committed to being who you are and keep reaffirming what it is that you want.

I’ve had my own boundary experience of claiming some personal space this week that has taught me a little more about how effective it is to stay focused and not go into anger. It’s a long story, but I live in small community that I like to call Argentina, as it’s the spiritual home of retired Nazis. Lots of residents are elderly and have been here since the bears were bad. It goes without saying that no-one here likes change. This little contretemps arose when I took the perfectly reasonable step of placing a table in the communal area of my back garden without first seeking the (totally unnecessary) approval of my neighbour, who has largely commandeered that part of the garden for her personal use.

First thing in the morning, there she was on my doorstep launching into a diatribe that began with ‘How could you do this to me?’. That was my first clue that this was going to be an emotion-fuelled overreaction. Quite how putting a small table into an area that we’re both meant to share could be construed as a personal attack is beyond me, but that’s where it started and as she carried on, she wound herself up even more. Interestingly – and possibly because I was still half-asleep – I found myself simply noticing this and calmly naming it back to her, pointing out the facts without getting wound up in return. Eventually – and it took a few separate conversations – we resolved the issue, but it required me to calmly and firmly stand my ground in the face of some very emotional bullying tactics. Did I get it 100% right – no. Am I happy with not allowing the conversation to escalate, as it could have done – absolutely.

That, my friends, is one of the secrets to not only setting boundaries, but holding them – staying gently, but firmly, committed to who you are and what you want to express. I met with a firewall of resistance in this instance, but you might encounter someone who simply ignores the boundaries you are trying to set. Again, it’s back to reaffirming what’s important to you, but ultimately you may have to ask yourself if you want to be around someone who continually disrespects the ground rules you are setting out. If it’s a family member who’s the major offender, then it might take a little distancing yourself to maintain your equilibrium and stay committed to your own principles. It’s not easy to redefine how you want to be treated in any circumstances, but the inertia of family ways of relating can make this especially tricky.

The other type of response – acceptance – is a real gift and this can very often occur when the boundaries are around authority issues. As you become confident and comfortable about asserting yourself and standing up for what’s important for you, often a previously-met resistance will dissolve right before your eyes and you will encounter acceptance. It’s the kind of miraculous alchemy that happens when you totally believe in yourself and all resistance just melts away, but that’s not to say that you’re doing anything wrong if you’re running into a different kind of response. Boundary setting is just a necessary part of expressing who you are and how you want to be treated – dealing gracefully with all the responses that engenders is another lesson in itself.

The theme for this week’s self-enquiry is to look at where you need to set boundaries with people. What kind of issues are still lurking about in your life where you’ve asked for some ground rules to be respected, but that’s still not happening? Where do you need to stand up for yourself – at work, at home or in a friendship? Is there someone in your life who consistently disrespects your wishes? If so, exactly how long are you planning to put up with that?

You don’t need to get totally gung ho on this right away, but you do need to start noticing the quality of your interactions with others. If you are consistently placing yourself in the position of accepting behaviour that is uncomfortable for you, then you are consistently eroding your own self-worth. That’s hardly a fabulous thing to do. So, get out there, enjoy the sunshine and be happy beingyourself. It’s summertime and the living is meant to be easy …

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Jul 06)