Eat Me

Life here in Fab Towers has taken on a gentler pace over the last few days, due to a resurgence of sciatica – literally a pain in the arse. It’s not exactly the most fun I’ve ever had in bed, but if life incapacitates you, I have learned that you might as well enjoy the ride rather than try to fight it. After indulging in the classic tacky TV free-for-all, watching the kind of junk that is oh so satisfying when you’re feeling under the weather, the enforced rest has given me the opportunity to savour a gem of a book about love, sex and the art of eating, called Eat Me.

Its food-savvy author, Alexandra Antonioni, weaves together real life stories and wisdom about dating and mating with fabulous recipes for each stage of a romance, from first flirtation to final curtain. Her own personal insights are definitely worth the read, but for I Am Fab purposes, there’s real mileage in the collective wisdom she has gathered while researching the attraction stage.

Discussing what men look for when seeking a long-term partner, she recounts “The kind of women they want to date take good care of themselves and how they look, but apparently it is not about having the perfect body or looking like the models in the fashion mags (airbrushed within an inch of their skinny, cellulite-free, digitally-enhanced, irritating selves), it is about confidence. If you look good, you will feel good, ergo you will be upbeat, friendly and approachable. If you make no effort with yourself, why should anyone make an effort with you? So it’s not about being a perfect 10, it’s about being the best that you possibly can be, no matter what you weigh, how old you are or how much money you have.”

Exactly. And what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. That’s what we go for in guys too – someone who’s relaxed and happy with themselves. Confidence is an aphrodisiac. As Sophia Loren put it, “Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you’ve got and 50 percent what people think you’ve got”.

Acceptance is the issue here. If you spend your time worrying that you don’t look like someone else – particularly the aforementioned irritating, airbrushed models – you’ll never learn to make the best of what you have. When you can value your own particular brand of beauty, you’ll have the kind of confidence that is unshakeable. That means learning to love your quirks, play up your assets and play down the rest. It means knowing that what you have to offer is far more than just how you look – it’s how you can make someone feel; how fascinating or charming your presence can be.

Let’s try an asset audit this week. What are the top three attractions you have in looks, temperament and talents? Is it humour, humility or heartfelt empathy that’s your primary asset? What would your friends say they love about you? If you don’t know, ask around. Check with a good friend – preferably one whose style you admire – to see what he or she would love to see you wear. Maybe you’ll get some new style ideas and see your body through kinder eyes than your own.

The French have way of describing relaxed confidence as someone who seems ‘bien dans sa peau’ – literally good in their skin. You cannot be truly confident until you love the skin you’re in – and everything that goes with it. Knowledge is power, so start paying attention to what really works for you and start working it, baby!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Sep 07)

Truly, Madly, Deeply

The new year is here and so it’s the perfect time to remind ourselves what these chronicles are all about. I Am Fabulous is a statement that reflects the essential truth about you, when you’re willing to let go of all the ways in which you diminish and demean your talents and obscure your true nature. It’s about having the confidence to be yourself and be completely comfortable with who you are.

If you’re going to make 2007 a fabulous year, you’ll need a vision of how life could be if you cared enough to make yourself a priority. Let this quote from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols inspire you:

“You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be joyful, you deserve to be celebrative, but, in order to do that you must first fall madly in love with yourself.”

Now that’s the kind of note you really want to start a new year on – falling madly in love with yourself. That may be a highly challenging concept, as we’re barely accustomed to even liking ourselves, let alone loving ourselves, but this year don’t you think you deserve to set the bar a little higher? So what would it take for you to feel relaxed with yourself and then work your way up from there?

The first step is always going to be radical acceptance of your own humanity, ie the sure and certain knowledge that you’re bound to screw up, regardless of your best intentions. Why do we have such a hard time with that one? I suspect it’s because we’re always trying to live up to some mythical ideal of perfection, even though we’ve never actually encountered another human being who’s ever attained those lofty heights. Also we’ve internalised so many voices over the years that have told us that we’re wrong or we need to behave differently, so now we’re the ones who are so highly skilled in beating ourselves up that we no longer need any outside force to do that for us. If we’d just lighten up and grasp the concept that perfection doesn’t exist and messing up is par for the course, then learning to like ourselves wouldn’t seem so much of a chore.

Next on the agenda would be getting to grips with honouring and ultimately treasuring your own unique way of being, rather than trying to be like anyone else (or anyone else’s idea of how you should be). When we fall in love with someone, it’s their own particular quirks that we love about them. We don’t reminisce about how much our beloved is just like everyone else – we love what makes them unique. It’s not a vast leap from knowing that to surmising that your individual characteristics are what make you adorable to others and that you could learn to love those things about yourself too.

One of the biggest barriers to self-acceptance – and ultimately self-love – is that we are culturally very results-oriented rather than process-oriented. We’re always focused on the outcome, rather than how we got there or who we became in the process. As people we are never in stasis – we don’t stop growing and evolving. Our emotions, desires, thoughts and aspirations are always in flux, so assuming that we’ll reach some point where we’ll enter a static level of happiness is a childish illusion that many of us are still unconsciously pursuing. We’re ultimately creative beings, so we’re automatically drawn to want to explore and experience more. When we can really know that about ourselves, then we can relax and learn to enjoy the process of life, rather than lurching from one goal to another wondering why we don’t stay satisfied when we achieve them.

If you’re clear on the concept that you’re a work in progress and that’s the way it’s meant to be, you can start to enjoy the process of self-discovery. You’ll know that’s happened when your average screw-up becomes more fodder for self-awareness and wisdom rather than another stick to beat yourself up with. That’s when the quality of your inner dialogue becomes as kind and tolerant as it would be if you were talking to someone else, particularly someone you care about. Author James Ray has a particularly insightful take on this issue. He says “Here’s what I want you to consider – do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you?” Ponder that one long enough and you’ll certainly start shifting your behaviour towards yourself as you realise the ramifications of that question. If you don’t treat yourself well, how exactly can you expect other people to do that?

If you’re really serious about wanting to be juiced up about yourself and your life this year, then I have a challenge for you. We all know that to provide the best foundation for any structure we have to ensure that the ground is fully cleared before we start to build, and so it is with any plan, including learning to fall madly in love with yourself. Just a little surface cleaning won’t do the trick - it needs to be a root and branch job. Let’s use January to dust off a load of old attitudes, resentments and habitual self-attacking behaviours. If you give it a good enough shot, you could clear them out once and for all, so my suggestion is a thirty day plan of acceptance and forgiveness, starting with yourself.

To kick off, take five minutes each morning and just cop to some of the silliest, most ill-advised and just plain dumb things you’ve done in the past year. If you want to let them go, you’re going to have to accept that they happened and let that be OK. Then, to fully release each issue you’re holding against yourself, you need to find the gift in it, by asking how it’s served you and what have you learned. When you’ve acknowledged that, you’ll be free to chalk it up to experience and move on. When you’re comfortable with the process, start working on the old stuff you’ve been using to punish yourself for years. Any event where you keep going over what you ‘should’ have done is a good place to start letting yourself off the hook. If you really want to fast-track the process, get together with a good friend and have a damn good giggle at your own human frailties. Learning to laugh at your own cock-ups takes the emotional charge of shame out of them and helps you to let them go more easily.

Now that you’ve found a never-ending source of amusement in your own behaviour, you can balance the equation by using five minutes in the evening to find something about the way you acted that day that you’re pleased about, however small. In the beginning, it’s enough to be happy that maybe you’ve just stopped being so hard on yourself that day. As you progress, try looking for concrete evidence – celebrate your talents, insight, achievements or even just your ability to endure in a tough situation. This is a new skill you’re developing, so it’s not necessarily going to come naturally to look for the good stuff instead of the bad. Have patience and persevere – it takes time to create a new, positive habit.

If you commit to this process, you’re guaranteed to feel a whole lot better about yourself by the end of the month. That’s going to have a massive impact on your self-confidence and how you relate to others – as well as how others relate to you – so ten minutes a day is a small price to pay. Your results will be in direct proportion to how willing you are to stick to your daily ritual, but don’t fall into the trap of crucifying yourself if you miss a few – that’s exactly the kind of behaviour you’re trying to eradicate. Just let it be OK and pick up where you left off. Remember, the aim isn’t perfection, it’s the joy of self-discovery in the process. You’re not perfect now and you certainly won’t be at the end of it, no matter how hard you try, but you will be a lot more relaxed with yourself. That’s got to be a fabulous start to the year.


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 2 Jan 07)

Acceptance & Resourcefulness

Well, it’s week one of knee rehab – don’t you love the sound of that … it’s as though it’s been badly-behaved and I’ve had to send it off for a bit of correction, which isn’t far wrong, really – and I’m hobbling about with some skill now. While I enjoyed a few short moments of lounging about the house, clad in a velvet dressing gown, zoned out on daytime TV and fully loaded on painkillers, I just can’t hack that as a lifestyle choice. So I’ve been out and about challenging the local pensioners to a race by the river on crutches. Sadly, some of them appear to be winning – that’s so not good for the self-esteem!

In the drug-induced haze of the early days post-surgery, I swear I had a vision of angels – real, life-sized ones bearing cake and flowers. They may not have wings, but my friends sure know what matters most at times of crisis and cake is always the answer du jour for whatever ails you. Doesn’t matter if it’s pain or pleasure – any major trauma or achievement can be soothed or celebrated with the healing powers of cake. Of course if that doesn’t do the trick, there’s always champagne … possibly a tad too risky a cocktail with the industrial-strength painkillers, but it does give me a little something to look forward to when the bandages come off.

Before I went under the knife I was getting a bit skittish about the whole thing. It’s not that long since I’d had to have some corrective surgery on a broken ankle and I remembered all too clearly just how painful and tough it was to haul myself around on crutches. Until it’s happened to you, you have no idea how exhausting it is or just how much it limits your capacity to take care of yourself and manage the day-to-day stuff we all take for granted. For someone who loves their independence as much as I do, it’s the ultimate frustration. So, I wasgetting pretty antsy about the whole deal and more than a little stressed, until I decided to just go into total acceptance and choose to see it differently.

I couldn’t change what I was up against, but I could change how I was planning to deal with it. Instead of being miserable about being stuck at home, I opted to view it as a long-overdue opportunity for some real rest and a level of peacefulness that’s been missing in my life for a while. I also decided to dedicate the time to doing some deeper spiritual work and meditation, for more clarity and focus. This may sound terribly Pollyanna-ish, but instead of being something I was dreading, this time of enforced rest became something I was looking forward to and, as a result, I’ve actually enjoyed it. OK, the pain wasn’t a walk in the park, but I’ve had some beautiful, peaceful days and an opportunity for reflection that hasn’t been available to me for quite some time.

That leads me to a piece of inspiration from an I Am Fabulous reader, who wrote in response to the call for communal wisdom last week. She said, “Live life to the full as if each day is your last. Enjoy all that is around you. Take time to sit and stare about you. At the sky, at the trees, at the people who are close to you. Stop and listen to what people say to you. Smile even when you don't really feel like it.”

Given that I’m moving at a pace that snails would find leisurely, I’m certainly getting an opportunity to stop and smell the roses. When you can’t run around like a mad thing, you begin to appreciate what’s around you, all that you miss when you dash from one thing to another. I live only a few paces from the river, but I hardly ever go down to the bottom of the garden to see it. This week, I’ve watched the tide rise and fall, seen rowers gather for a regatta, and simply just stared at the sunlight on the water for ages. Sometimes that’s just the best meditation there is.

I’m sure that an extra benefit has come out of my willingness to just accept this period of rest, because my knee seems to be healing incredibly quickly and at this rate I’ll be bounding about in no time. Hopefully I’ll take this renewed sense of peacefulness with me as I head back into a busy life again. What this whole experience has really reminded me of, most deeply, is that attitude is everything. If you’re faced with the unchangeable, then you still have the power to change the way you choose to deal with it. It can be an easy ride or you can make it tough going – it’s all about how you’re willing to approach it.

So where in your life is there something you’ve been resisting? Is there a circumstance that you can’t change, but that you’re willing to see differently? Can you turn what looks like an inconvenience into an opportunity to try a new approach? At a bare minimum, can you just accept the way things are and stop wishing they were different?

This week pay attention to how you’re approaching what comes up – are you seeing things as problems or opportunities? Get creative and see how you might put a completely new spin on things. If it looks like things aren’t going your way, how could you see a benefit or a new chance in the way things have shaped up? This is about being both accepting and resourceful. Acceptance doesn’t mean just putting up with disappointment, it means taking the cards you’re dealt and making them serve a positive purpose.

Finally, a huge thank-you to all of you who’ve sent in words of wisdom - they’ll be appearing here in the weeks to come. In the meantime, get out there and do some artful acceptance and some radical resourcefulness … who knows where that might lead?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 20 Nov 06)

Park Life
It’s been an outdoor weekend for me, with plenty of music, picnics and fine performances. London really comes to life in the summer when we can soak up the culture al fresco, accompanied by fine food, wine and friends. First stop on the culture vulture tour of London’s parks was the Summer Swing festival at Kew Gardens, featuring Eliades Ochoa of the ever-fabulous Buena Vista Social Club. It’s impossible to sit still or be even slightly grumpy to the sound of a Cuban beat, particularly when performed by virtuoso musicians of ancient standing. A delicious surprise was the support act, Buena Fe, Cuba’s hottest band of the moment, who will no doubt be big time on the international scene very soon. Their album, Presagios, is going to be the soundtrack to my summer for sure.

Picnic hampers were to the ready again for a performance of The Taming Of The Shrew at the open air theatre in Regent’s Park. It’s such a magical venue, deserving of the well-staged and beautifully- acted show that had us mesmerised until nightfall. The only jarring note came from the message of the closing scenes, where – if Mr Shakespeare is to be believed – we women will all be much happier if we don’t bother our pretty heads with opinions of our own and simply learn to obey men. (Loving your work, Will, but the resolution to that play sucks.)

Shakespearian sexism aside, it’s so refreshing to be able to enjoy life in the open air, which is something I missed hugely when I came back from Spain. Admittedly the weather is far more reliable there, but they enter into the spirit with total gusto and the whole country bursts into a festival of celebration when summer rolls around. You can go to concerts in Moorish castles where rock music hangs as heavy in the air at dusk as the heady scent of jasmine, or eat, drink and be merry at beachside shacks or chiringuitos that spring up just for the season. Open air cinemas abound and every town seems to have its own little fiesta that makes full use of any local monument, plaza or piece of parkland for free concerts and performances. It’s social, artistic and egalitarian – and a ton of fun.

Just having good weather is no guarantee that you’ll know how to enjoy it, though, as I well remember from growing up in Australia. While we’d always had that sporty kind of identity as a country, culturally we were in a timewarp, transported wholesale from England and plonked down without alteration in a tropical climate. Outdoor cafes and restaurants were unheard of and we used to celebrate Christmas in 40oC degrees of heat by spraying fake snow on the windows. I suspect that’s where I developed a love of the absurd. Sweaty Santas, sunshine and surfboards may be a bizarre combination, but thankfully Australia now fully celebrates the outdoor lifestyle it has to offer.

So where am I going with all this? If you haven’t already guessed, this week is about embracing your true identity and all of its individual qualities. Part of that process is learning to set the boundaries that are necessary to allow that to happen. In order to express ourselves as individuals, we have to cut the apron-strings at some point – it’s a rite of passage. That means releasing old habits, restrictions or traditions that no longer suit you, so you can develop new ones that do. As you begin to make new choices for yourself, here’s a universal truth you need to keep in mind – no-one will ever thank you for changing. We humans are creatures of habit and we’re not overly enamoured with the idea of change, even when it’s positive. So, when you begin to live your life differently and begin to set new ground rules, expect a little resistance from others.

People tend to react to new boundaries in one of three ways: ignore, challenge or accept. None of their reactions are within your gift to control, but you can control how you respond to them. What’s important is that you stay gently committed to being who you are and keep reaffirming what it is that you want.

I’ve had my own boundary experience of claiming some personal space this week that has taught me a little more about how effective it is to stay focused and not go into anger. It’s a long story, but I live in small community that I like to call Argentina, as it’s the spiritual home of retired Nazis. Lots of residents are elderly and have been here since the bears were bad. It goes without saying that no-one here likes change. This little contretemps arose when I took the perfectly reasonable step of placing a table in the communal area of my back garden without first seeking the (totally unnecessary) approval of my neighbour, who has largely commandeered that part of the garden for her personal use.

First thing in the morning, there she was on my doorstep launching into a diatribe that began with ‘How could you do this to me?’. That was my first clue that this was going to be an emotion-fuelled overreaction. Quite how putting a small table into an area that we’re both meant to share could be construed as a personal attack is beyond me, but that’s where it started and as she carried on, she wound herself up even more. Interestingly – and possibly because I was still half-asleep – I found myself simply noticing this and calmly naming it back to her, pointing out the facts without getting wound up in return. Eventually – and it took a few separate conversations – we resolved the issue, but it required me to calmly and firmly stand my ground in the face of some very emotional bullying tactics. Did I get it 100% right – no. Am I happy with not allowing the conversation to escalate, as it could have done – absolutely.

That, my friends, is one of the secrets to not only setting boundaries, but holding them – staying gently, but firmly, committed to who you are and what you want to express. I met with a firewall of resistance in this instance, but you might encounter someone who simply ignores the boundaries you are trying to set. Again, it’s back to reaffirming what’s important to you, but ultimately you may have to ask yourself if you want to be around someone who continually disrespects the ground rules you are setting out. If it’s a family member who’s the major offender, then it might take a little distancing yourself to maintain your equilibrium and stay committed to your own principles. It’s not easy to redefine how you want to be treated in any circumstances, but the inertia of family ways of relating can make this especially tricky.

The other type of response – acceptance – is a real gift and this can very often occur when the boundaries are around authority issues. As you become confident and comfortable about asserting yourself and standing up for what’s important for you, often a previously-met resistance will dissolve right before your eyes and you will encounter acceptance. It’s the kind of miraculous alchemy that happens when you totally believe in yourself and all resistance just melts away, but that’s not to say that you’re doing anything wrong if you’re running into a different kind of response. Boundary setting is just a necessary part of expressing who you are and how you want to be treated – dealing gracefully with all the responses that engenders is another lesson in itself.

The theme for this week’s self-enquiry is to look at where you need to set boundaries with people. What kind of issues are still lurking about in your life where you’ve asked for some ground rules to be respected, but that’s still not happening? Where do you need to stand up for yourself – at work, at home or in a friendship? Is there someone in your life who consistently disrespects your wishes? If so, exactly how long are you planning to put up with that?

You don’t need to get totally gung ho on this right away, but you do need to start noticing the quality of your interactions with others. If you are consistently placing yourself in the position of accepting behaviour that is uncomfortable for you, then you are consistently eroding your own self-worth. That’s hardly a fabulous thing to do. So, get out there, enjoy the sunshine and be happy beingyourself. It’s summertime and the living is meant to be easy …

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Jul 06)

A Midsummer Night's Dream

It’s hard to believe that the summer solstice has come and gone and we are already hurtling headlong into the latter part of the year. Bit of a wake-up call, isn’t it? It seems so undignified, the way the months roll by with such alarming ease, which is why I feel it’s my duty to drag your attention away from the Pimms for a moment to remind you that you already have half of this fabulous year under your belt. What, pray tell, have you to show for that - a midsummer night’s dream or nightmare?

If you’re living the dream, that’s fabulous. If not, do not despair, for help is at hand. I’m not going to go all American robo-positive über-coach on you and demand instant action, but rather introduce you to an insight that will definitely make your life more peaceful and joyful. It’s a thought that operates at a gentle summer’s pace, yet could change your life forever.

This little secret has its origins in a talk by the spiritual leader and philosopher Krishnamurti, in an oak grove in Ojai, California, way back in the 70s. Being something of a guru – whilst entirely rejecting the notion of gurudom, which is no mean feat – several thousand followers had gathered to hear the master speak. As a man of extraordinary awareness and presence, the audience hung on his every word. The writer Aldous Huxley described Krishnamurti’s oratory skills as "Like listening to a discourse of the Buddha — such authority, such intrinsic power." In mid-flow, he suddenly paused and quietly asked the group “Do you want to know what my secret is?” As Krishnamurti rarely spoke of his own personal process, the audience was agog with excitement at becoming privy to what would surely be a great spiritual truth. Their anticipation was rewarded with the simple statement of “I don’t mind what happens”.

Not quite what they were expecting, I imagine. While it may not seem much on face value, that attitude could just be the saving grace when your life is in turmoil or things aren’t turning out quite how you’d planned. As Krishnamurti went on to explain, “When you live with this awareness, this sensitivity, life has an astonishing way of taking care of you. Then there is no problem of security, of what people say or do not say, and that is the beauty of life.”

If that sounds too simple to be true, let me assure you that complexity is the enemy of inner peace. Spiritual truth is in essence simple, but never simplistic. What lies at the heart of Krishnamurti’s secret is the knowledge that when you are operating from a level of authenticity within your own life, you enter a state of flow, where you willingly release the need for control.
As we are all budding control freaks – and I defy you to show me someone who’s not – being OK with whatever happens seems tantamount to torture. That, of course, would be the simplistic view. So let’s try the simple way of looking at this …

Imagine what life would be like if you had a deep sense of connection to your spirit and a knowledge that your purpose in life was to express all your talents, unfettered by self-consciousness or self-imposed limitations. What if you knew that by doing this, life would conspire to bring you opportunities and challenges that would draw the best from you and that each person and event in your life was brimming with meaning? If you had that level of trust in yourself and in life, wouldn’t you welcome all that occurred with an open heart and mind?
We feel the need to control our circumstances and the people in our lives because we fear that life is not safe. Yet, if we are willing to make a leap of faith and trust that life will unfold as it needs to, we can be peaceful and happy regardless of our circumstances. Aldous Huxley – who clearly had a lot of interesting conversations – once asked Albert Einstein what was the most important question in the world. Einstein, whose sagacity on spiritual matters is terribly underrated, replied “Is the Universe friendly?”.

While I’m quoting the big guns, let me refresh your mind on the Buddha’s noble truths. In essence, he declared that to live means to suffer, that the cause of suffering came from attachment and that release from attachment would remove suffering, ie give up control freakery and start accepting things the way they are. I am paraphrasing more than slightly there, so apologies to any Buddhist scholars who may be reading this, but you get my drift.
So how do we make this philosophy work in the mad frenzy of the modern over-achieving world? Rule One: pick your battles. Don’t try for total surrender straight up – start with some baby steps and accept the small stuff first. Does it really matter if everything isn’t exactly how you planned it? Learn to enjoy life’s imperfections. Instead of running your life like a military campaign, let serendipity give you a surprise or two. If you're in a power struggle with someone over an unimportant issue, why not let it go? Would you rather be right or be happy?

Rule Two: surrender does not mean giving up passion. Again it’s a question of picking your battles. Are you putting your energy into the things that are really representative of who you are or are you flogging a dead horse? There is a persistent mythology that a spiritual or purposeful life is a passionless one – far from it. If you want to read some of the most passionate literature on earth and encounter some of the most powerful souls that ever graced it, read the lives of the mystics and the saints. They have fire, grit and gumption and yet were capable of the deepest acts of surrender. They were ordinary people who created extraordinary lives through their sense of connection with life and their own purpose. Oh, and quite a few of them were party animals in their day. Spirituality and a love of life are not mutually incompatible.
Rule Three: not minding what happens is an act of trust, not an excuse to avoid taking action. If things aren’t the way you want them to be, first accept what is. There’s no point in fighting it, as you can’t change the past. There’s also no point in beating yourself up either – that’s deeply unhelpful and totally anti-fab. From a place of acceptance and peace you can re-examine if what you’ve been chasing is what you really want and then move on.

So, however your personal midsummer night's dream is unfolding, this week's challenge is twofold - to make the assumption that the universe is a friendly place and to gently relinquish control over those things that don't really matter. Hopefully you can work your way up to letting go of the big stuff too, by repeating your fabulous new mantra of "I don't mind what happens".

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 July 06)

Orange County

Rainy bank holiday weekends tend to bring on movie marathons in my house and this one was no exception. Out of the vaults came a few old favourites and, as we huddled under the blankets, I found inspiration yet again in the magic of movie redemption.

Orange County is a sweet little independent film from a few years ago, with a fabulous cast, a great soundtrack and a smart and sassy script. Colin Hanks’ character is desperate to get away from his dysfunctional family (alcoholic drama queen mother, absent self-absorbed father and drugged-out dropout brother) to go to Stanford University and become a writer under the tutelage of a famous author and college professor. His ghastly family unwittingly sabotage every attempt he makes to escape them, leading him to total despair until he realises that under their horrendous behaviour lie deep bonds of love. As the college professor says, “Every good writer has a conflicted relationship with the place he grew up.” From this realisation he sees that he doesn’t need to get out of Orange County to become a writer, but that it is exactly the right place to fuel his creativity, warts and all.

A similar theme arises in The Alchemist by Paolo Coelho, subtitled ‘a fable about following your dream’. In it, a young Andalucian shepherd, Santiago, has a recurring dream that he will find treasure beneath the pyramids. He sets off on a journey which takes him through encounters with kings, alchemists, gypsies and desert seers, until he returns home and finds the treasure awaiting him at the point where he began the journey. Along the way, the alchemist tells him “What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realised, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realising our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon’. Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

While the Orange County and Alchemist characters both find their treasure at home, after a quest that sees them overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles, the journey is never wasted. They needed the perspective of distance and new experiences to see what was valuable in what they already had.

So much of our lives can be future-oriented, chasing the things and the people we think will make us happy, so much so that our happiness can become permanently deferred to a ‘someday’ that we never reach. The journeys these characters have made leave us clues for finding peace, joy and inspiration where we already are.

Like most people, I continue to struggle on a daily basis with acceptance of the circumstances of my life, exactly as they are. A part of me is so deeply unwilling to accept the way things are that it can only go down fighting, never in peaceful surrender. Yet the desire to control outcomes and always wish for something else other than what you’re faced with is a fast-track hiding to nothing and a sure destroyer of inner peace.

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up or giving in – it just means understanding that those are the circumstances you’re currently dealing with, and learning to be happy whether or not things are going your way. It’s a more inner-directed way of being, putting more emphasis on your choice to be happy regardless of the outer events in your life.

On a deeper level, it can take you to a place where even the most difficult circumstances can hold gifts for you that you can come to appreciate when you’re willing to change your perspective. Crisis can be powerfully transformative, pushing you to make changes you’ve long known were necessary, but have avoided, or simply open you up to possibilities you’d never imagined. If you can have faith in a deeper purpose to life, then life can reveal its deeper purpose to you. On this point, I defer to the wisdom of Albert Einstein, who said “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

This week’s self-enquiry is going to test exactly how willing you are to accept where you are right now and if you can learn to see gifts in even the most difficult circumstances.
For starters, take a look at your dysfunctional family. Pretty much everybody has one. In true Orange County mode, what if the things that drove you completely mad about them were the perfect environment to bring out some extraordinary strengths and talents in you? What grew stronger in you as a result of growing up in your particular family?

Then look at a crisis you’ve been through recently or even a few years ago. We’re developing your ‘seeing the deeper purpose’ muscles right now, so make sure it’s something you’ve already come through, so that you have some distance and perspective. What was it that you learned? What talents, strengths, or support network did you develop as a result of it? How did it change you as a person – what qualities have strengthened in you?

Now let’s look at what’s right in front of you, right here, right now. Can you have faith in there being a purpose to this, even if you don’t know what it is yet? Can you drop your worries, your struggle with it, your desperate need to find a solution and just let it be OK? Can you put that issue aside and find a little peace, a reason to be happy or something to be grateful for?

No matter what is going on in your life, it is possible to make a conscious choice to set it aside and put your focus on being happy now. That doesn’t mean not taking action to change the circumstances, but it does mean not dwelling on problems you cannot currently change. Use the power of perspective to see that you’ve overcome difficulties before and that they hold hidden meaning. Trust that you’ll find that meaning in your own good time and, in the meantime, don’t poison the good things in your life with worry. Give yourself the gift of an inner-directed life, where peacefulness and happiness are an act of choice.

Coach Fabulous is now online and updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, with added inspirations and confidence tips, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field.
All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 29 May 06)