The Heart Of Confidence


Not sure why – perhaps it’s the whole January new start thing – but I feel moved to do a bit of a back to basics riff on the principles behind I Am Fab. If you’re a regular reader, you’ll know this blog is dedicated to promoting self-confidence and ways to enjoy an authentic, meaningful life – even if that’s not entirely evident at first sight! The topics may meander around all sorts of themes, but the general principal is that being exactly who you are is just fine. There’s nothing you need do to fix yourself. In fact, it’s precisely the opposite – the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself are what stand in your way.

Confidence and authenticity are byproducts of getting comfortable with yourself, not striving to become some idealised image of perfection. If you want to be happy with yourself and your life, letting go and learning to love yourself are the major keys to success. With a little self-awareness, it’s relatively easy to take a look at your own self-imposed limitations, but most people find the ‘loving yourself’ part the hardest. As one friend complained recently, “all those books tell you to love yourself, but nobody tells you how to do it”. I’m always up for a challenge, so here goes …

Get Over The Idea That Loving Yourself Is Selfish

Let’s face it, most of us had a less-than-ideal upbringing when it came to any sense of a positive self-image. When you’ve had your parents, your teachers and any kind of religious influence coming down on you like a ton of bricks for anything that vaguely looked like it was ‘selfish’, taking care of yourself is not going to be a natural skill. The Judeo-Christian concept of ‘original sin’ reinforces the idea that we’re all somehow bad, need to be punished and have to be taught to be good.

For those reasons, accusations of ‘selfishness’ are powerful ways of shaming and manipulating, so anyone who wants or needs to control you will be ploughing that field for all they’re worth. However, what’s really selfish is not taking care of yourself. When you do that, you’re playing the burning martyr game, where you appear to be in sacrifice but are actually getting satisfaction from the pity of others or from feeling like a ‘good’ person. Genuine selflessness does not give to get.

Loving yourself and taking good care of yourself means you’ll be relaxed and generous with others, because you’ve made sure you have a well from which to give. You cannot give endlessly without draining yourself and sacrifice isn’t really giving anyway – it’s just a strategy to get attention or to shore up a poor self-image.

Watch Your Inner Dialogue

How you speak to yourself is indicative of how much love and esteem you have for yourself. What’s chattering away in your mind when you look in the mirror first thing in the morning? What do you say to yourself when something doesn’t work out for you? If you’re critical, blaming and punishing in your self-talk, that’s a clear indication that you need to work on being kind to yourself.

The first step to self-love is simple self-acceptance. Start looking kindly at yourself in the mirror. Pay yourself a compliment rather than chip away at what you don’t like about yourself. If something goes wrong, go easy on yourself. Don’t start beating yourself up or blaming yourself automatically. Maybe it’s just not the right time or even the right situation for you. Learn to grow from your mistakes, not be paralysed by them.

Celebrate Your Successes

So few of us have any kind of positive habit of celebrating our achievements – most of us move from milestone to milestone looking back at what went wrong, rather than what went right. You cannot develop a positive sense of self-worth if you constantly focus on your failings rather than your successes. Learn to make a discipline of reflecting on what you’ve achieved, rather than what you feel is lacking.

You can do that by celebrating milestones as they occur or even having a daily habit of listing three things you’re happy to have achieved at the end of each day. You might even enjoy a practice suggested by Esther Hicks and Abraham, called The Book of Positive Aspects, where you write down all your successes and positive achievements in a notebook so you can return to them on days when you’re not feeling that great about yourself.

As a starter for ten, why not just think of three things right now that you’re really proud of, that brought you the most joy or that are major achievements in your career or private life? Get in the habit of thinking positively about the way you’re living your life.

Set Clear Boundaries

This one’s an overspill from the ‘burning martyr’ syndrome. A lack of healthy boundaries will kick you into sacrifice, leaving you feeling drained, exhausted and worthless. Failing to take good care of yourself in light of the demands of others simply reinforces that you believe other people’s needs are more important than your own. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when what you need or feel simply doesn’t matter – to you or anyone else.

Boundary-setting is not about putting up fences, but of holding a strong centre and reacting appropriately in the moment. It’s about trusting that you’re the authority in your own life and that you know what’s right for you. It means saying ‘no’, even when that might feel uncomfortable, because you trust your own judgement. Strong boundaries protect you from being manipulated by the inappropriate demands of others and they reinforce to the world that you value yourself. That’s vital, because, believe me, if you don’t, no-one else is going to do that for you.

Make Positive Choices

Loving yourself isn’t just sitting around talking nicely to yourself – it’s about action and integrity. If you’ve decided you want to lose weight and you stuff your face with fast food, that’s not a positive or loving choice. You’re out of integrity with what you’ve declared you want and you’re not supporting your own physical well-being. If you’re hanging out with people who are manipulative or hyper-critical, then again you’re not making choices that say to yourself that you’re worth loving. If you’re tolerating any kind of relationship that’s destructive, that’s a massive blow to your ability to love yourself and to your self-confidence and self-worth.

Take a look at how the activities and people in your life support your total well-being. Where are you out of integrity with what you want for your life? Are you living the kind of life someone else has mapped out for you? Are you moving forward in the direction you really want to go or are you holding yourself back because of limiting self-beliefs or another person’s opinion?

Trust Yourself

People with low self-esteem are self-abandoning. They follow what others insist upon because they don’t love themselves enough to trust their own opinions and intuition. If something doesn’t feel right to you, you need to honour that. You don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for the decisions you make, so even if it’s just a hunch, value yourself enough to trust that and live by your own lights. Following your intuition is a way of loving and valuing yourself. Stop second-guessing your instinctive decisions and learn to trust yourself.

By taking action in support of your own feelings and inner guidance, you’re sending a strong message to yourself that you’re worth listening to and taking care of. When you really embody that, you’re sending that same message out to the world, loud and clear.

Just Relax – Drop The Judgement

When you love yourself, you can be OK with yourself exactly as you are. You don’t feel like you ‘should’ be anything other than your true self and you extend that generosity of spirit to others as well, making you a very easy person to be around. Learning to let go of all the judgements you hold on yourself and others is the most freeing and loving thing you can do for yourself.

That means dropping perfectionism and examining all the beliefs you have about success, so that you can develop a healthy sense of success on your own terms. Don’t strive for what looks good to others – if it’s not that important to you, forget about it. Embrace freedom and spontaneity. That allows you to open to new possibilities and creative expression you may not have considered. Let your mind open to your heart’s desire, not just what you think you can achieve or what you ‘should’ aspire to.

This week you have a seven-point plan to work on to build your self-worth and learn to love yourself. Give each one a try and see the difference. It might not be an overnight transformation, but stick to it and you’ll soon be noticing that you’re treating yourself more kindly and building a strong foundation of self-worth. What could be more fabulous than that?


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 21 Jan 08)

Private Worlds


Scratch the surface on anyone and sooner or later you’ll hear a tale of insecurity and lack of self-worth that will just crack your heart wide open. In the past week I’ve heard some fabulous, vibrant, gorgeous people talk about themselves in ways that are so distant from the truth that it’s shocking to contemplate.

This is the result of a lifetime of self-abuse, of regarding themselves as fundamentally lacking in some way. We all do it and it’s just horrific. A young, slim woman full of energy and life sees herself as overweight and unattractive. A tall, good-looking man thinks he’s too fat – despite no evidence of even an ounce of flab – to risk having a relationship. Have we all gone mad?
We’re living in these private worlds that can be hell on earth unless we’re willing to open up to a new way of thinking and a willingness to accept ourselves as we are, right here, right now. There’s no point waiting for the day that you’re perfect so your life can begin. Here’s a clue – you’ll never be perfect, so you’re doomed to wait forever before you can give yourself permission to get on with an imperfect life. Enough already – be willing to be OK with who you are today or kiss your chance at happiness goodbye.

As they say in the Blues Brothers, I’m on a mission from God. My mission – and I choose to accept it – is to eradicate this absolute nonsense about the way we perceive ourselves. This week, join the crusade by letting your guard down and sneaking in a little self-admiration along the way. Pick three things you like about yourself before lunchtime. Make a list of the things you’re good at. Remember the compliments people have paid you. Look in the mirror andlike what you see.

Then pay it forward – pay a compliment to someone else. Help them to see how gorgeous, wonderful and fabulous they are. Even the tiniest bit of support could make someone’s day and help them to feel good about themselves again. We’re all in the same boat, so let’s do it together. See the truth about yourself and those around you, not the laundry list of criticisms and complaints that normally run around in your head. Be bold – promise yourself a week of nothing but unconditional love for you (and anyone else that crosses your path). Wouldn’t that be just fab?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 14 May 07)

Truly, Madly, Deeply

The new year is here and so it’s the perfect time to remind ourselves what these chronicles are all about. I Am Fabulous is a statement that reflects the essential truth about you, when you’re willing to let go of all the ways in which you diminish and demean your talents and obscure your true nature. It’s about having the confidence to be yourself and be completely comfortable with who you are.

If you’re going to make 2007 a fabulous year, you’ll need a vision of how life could be if you cared enough to make yourself a priority. Let this quote from motivational speaker Lisa Nichols inspire you:

“You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be joyful, you deserve to be celebrative, but, in order to do that you must first fall madly in love with yourself.”

Now that’s the kind of note you really want to start a new year on – falling madly in love with yourself. That may be a highly challenging concept, as we’re barely accustomed to even liking ourselves, let alone loving ourselves, but this year don’t you think you deserve to set the bar a little higher? So what would it take for you to feel relaxed with yourself and then work your way up from there?

The first step is always going to be radical acceptance of your own humanity, ie the sure and certain knowledge that you’re bound to screw up, regardless of your best intentions. Why do we have such a hard time with that one? I suspect it’s because we’re always trying to live up to some mythical ideal of perfection, even though we’ve never actually encountered another human being who’s ever attained those lofty heights. Also we’ve internalised so many voices over the years that have told us that we’re wrong or we need to behave differently, so now we’re the ones who are so highly skilled in beating ourselves up that we no longer need any outside force to do that for us. If we’d just lighten up and grasp the concept that perfection doesn’t exist and messing up is par for the course, then learning to like ourselves wouldn’t seem so much of a chore.

Next on the agenda would be getting to grips with honouring and ultimately treasuring your own unique way of being, rather than trying to be like anyone else (or anyone else’s idea of how you should be). When we fall in love with someone, it’s their own particular quirks that we love about them. We don’t reminisce about how much our beloved is just like everyone else – we love what makes them unique. It’s not a vast leap from knowing that to surmising that your individual characteristics are what make you adorable to others and that you could learn to love those things about yourself too.

One of the biggest barriers to self-acceptance – and ultimately self-love – is that we are culturally very results-oriented rather than process-oriented. We’re always focused on the outcome, rather than how we got there or who we became in the process. As people we are never in stasis – we don’t stop growing and evolving. Our emotions, desires, thoughts and aspirations are always in flux, so assuming that we’ll reach some point where we’ll enter a static level of happiness is a childish illusion that many of us are still unconsciously pursuing. We’re ultimately creative beings, so we’re automatically drawn to want to explore and experience more. When we can really know that about ourselves, then we can relax and learn to enjoy the process of life, rather than lurching from one goal to another wondering why we don’t stay satisfied when we achieve them.

If you’re clear on the concept that you’re a work in progress and that’s the way it’s meant to be, you can start to enjoy the process of self-discovery. You’ll know that’s happened when your average screw-up becomes more fodder for self-awareness and wisdom rather than another stick to beat yourself up with. That’s when the quality of your inner dialogue becomes as kind and tolerant as it would be if you were talking to someone else, particularly someone you care about. Author James Ray has a particularly insightful take on this issue. He says “Here’s what I want you to consider – do you treat yourself the way you want other people to treat you?” Ponder that one long enough and you’ll certainly start shifting your behaviour towards yourself as you realise the ramifications of that question. If you don’t treat yourself well, how exactly can you expect other people to do that?

If you’re really serious about wanting to be juiced up about yourself and your life this year, then I have a challenge for you. We all know that to provide the best foundation for any structure we have to ensure that the ground is fully cleared before we start to build, and so it is with any plan, including learning to fall madly in love with yourself. Just a little surface cleaning won’t do the trick - it needs to be a root and branch job. Let’s use January to dust off a load of old attitudes, resentments and habitual self-attacking behaviours. If you give it a good enough shot, you could clear them out once and for all, so my suggestion is a thirty day plan of acceptance and forgiveness, starting with yourself.

To kick off, take five minutes each morning and just cop to some of the silliest, most ill-advised and just plain dumb things you’ve done in the past year. If you want to let them go, you’re going to have to accept that they happened and let that be OK. Then, to fully release each issue you’re holding against yourself, you need to find the gift in it, by asking how it’s served you and what have you learned. When you’ve acknowledged that, you’ll be free to chalk it up to experience and move on. When you’re comfortable with the process, start working on the old stuff you’ve been using to punish yourself for years. Any event where you keep going over what you ‘should’ have done is a good place to start letting yourself off the hook. If you really want to fast-track the process, get together with a good friend and have a damn good giggle at your own human frailties. Learning to laugh at your own cock-ups takes the emotional charge of shame out of them and helps you to let them go more easily.

Now that you’ve found a never-ending source of amusement in your own behaviour, you can balance the equation by using five minutes in the evening to find something about the way you acted that day that you’re pleased about, however small. In the beginning, it’s enough to be happy that maybe you’ve just stopped being so hard on yourself that day. As you progress, try looking for concrete evidence – celebrate your talents, insight, achievements or even just your ability to endure in a tough situation. This is a new skill you’re developing, so it’s not necessarily going to come naturally to look for the good stuff instead of the bad. Have patience and persevere – it takes time to create a new, positive habit.

If you commit to this process, you’re guaranteed to feel a whole lot better about yourself by the end of the month. That’s going to have a massive impact on your self-confidence and how you relate to others – as well as how others relate to you – so ten minutes a day is a small price to pay. Your results will be in direct proportion to how willing you are to stick to your daily ritual, but don’t fall into the trap of crucifying yourself if you miss a few – that’s exactly the kind of behaviour you’re trying to eradicate. Just let it be OK and pick up where you left off. Remember, the aim isn’t perfection, it’s the joy of self-discovery in the process. You’re not perfect now and you certainly won’t be at the end of it, no matter how hard you try, but you will be a lot more relaxed with yourself. That’s got to be a fabulous start to the year.


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 2 Jan 07)