Down Time

We live in crazy times. Most days I tend to ignore that fact, but then something bizarre rises up and slaps you about the head and shoulders until you finally have to accept that frenetic behaviour is now the norm. We don’t seem to be capable of simply sitting still for even a few minutes – read moments for some people – without desperately seeking some form of outside entertainment. A friend of mine, Robert Holden, calls this modern phenomenon the ‘manic society’.

When I first heard that term I could see that we all seem to be frantically busy and overwhelmed with emails and mobiles – busy, but not necessarily productive – yet there’s a whole other layer of mania developing that I’d not witnessed before. Culturally, we are developing into a society of people utterly incapable of simply being still. Let’s face it, who among us doesn’t start sending texts when we have a few idle moments at the restaurant table when our friends are all congregating outside for a quick nicotine hit? They might only be gone a couple of minutes, but we’re nervous of even a few moments alone with our thoughts.

While that might be what passes for normal behaviour these days, this week I saw something that quite alarmingly demonstrates just how deep this aversion to dealing with our own thoughts actually can be. On a routine trip to the doctor’s surgery, flipping idly through the traditional selection of ancient fashion magazines with curled edges and strategically missing pages, my reverie was disturbed by the unmistakeable sound of a computer booting up. Assuming that there was no way anyone would bring a laptop to a doctor’s surgery, I figured this had to be just another new kind of ringtone. This assumption appeared to be borne out by the sound of a woman droning away on a business call on her mobile, directly under the sign which politely requested all visitors to the surgery to turn their phones off.

Mildly annoyed at her lack of courtesy and bored by looking at out-of-date fashion pics, I decided to just sit quietly with my thoughts. A man sat down opposite me as I closed my eyes and, with the droning woman as a faint hum in the background, I managed to grab a few moments of peacefulness. Then came a sound that can only be described as what I imagine a gorilla would sound like if given free rein to pound away on a keyboard. I glanced up to see the man across from me bashing away at his laptop as if he were trying to beat it into submission. Blinking in disbelief, I looked to my right and there was the woman pecking away at the keyboard on her computer in a gingerly fashion, her typing facility somewhat impeded by her 2-inch nails. I was in the midst of duelling laptops – in stereo.

Now, if I lived in New York, that might be acceptable behaviour, but a doctor’s surgery in west London – are you kidding me? Since when have we been so alienated from our own inner world that we’ve become incapable of sitting in a room without a laptop for the few minutes it takes to wait for your doctor’s appointment? That really scares me way more than the mobile/text thing. Occupying yourself with a phone is opportunistic – you already have it, so it’s an easy distraction. Lugging a laptop into a surgery is a major statement that you feel you have to occupy every single available moment in order to feel worthy. Very, very scary.

So what would I rather they do? Quite frankly, pretty much nothing. Allow a few random thoughts in. Look around them. Muse on an idea they’re developing. Check out other people’s style. Maybe not even think at all. Yeah, I know that’s a tall order, because our manic minds love to be occupied, so here are a few suggestions to occupy you in the bank queue, while waiting for the bus or as an alternative to the vintage mags at the doc’s:

· Get a moment of peace by closing your eyes and simply focusing on your breath as it goes in and out over your upper lip. When your mind wanders, return it to that sensation of feeling the air go in and out. This is a simple relaxation/meditation technique to use when you need a quick burst of tranquillity.

· Go on what Esther Hicks and Abraham call a ‘Rampage of Appreciation’. Start listing what you appreciate about your life right now and what you’ve really enjoyed in the past. It’ll really perk up your energy, leaving you feeling happy with what you have.

· Pick a quality that you’d like to have more of in your life – for example peace, joy, love or creativity – and try to focus for a couple of minutes on what your life would be like if you had more of that. This helps to build mental focus and elevate your mood.

· For a confidence boost, do a quick success blast from the past. Think of as many times as you can where you’ve achieved something, got a job you really wanted, had a project well received or got together with the person of your dreams. Focusing on how you’ve done well improves your self-image and self-confidence.

This week, give yourself some down time. Stop trying to occupy every waking moment. Resist the temptation to send a text or an email rather than sit with your own thoughts. Muse a little. Turn off the iPod and find out what thoughts are lurking in your own mind. Look around you. See what inspiration you can draw from your surroundings. Smell the coffee. Breathe deeply. Be present in your own life.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 28 Apr 08)

Do You Want To Know A Secret?


Whether we like it or not, January does compel us into a flurry of self-improvement. All the newspapers are full of ways to give up smoking, drinking, eating and basically anything else we might quite like and the magazines aren’t much better. Sandwiched between special spreads on celebrity cellulite and dress disasters, there are countless new diets and exercise programmes designed to get you down to the fighting weight of an anorexic greyhound. It’s all so bloody dreary and ultimately meaningless, so it always sends me ricocheting into a bookshop for some spiritual tome or other, just to redress the balance.

The latest cult movie and book in the metaphysical world is The Secret, based on the law of attraction. I’ll save you a few quid by simply noting that the philosophy is that what you put out you get back, ie be positive, expect good things and they’ll come to you. Sounds simple, but there are a few twists in the tale that aren’t immediately obvious, and that’s where the fun begins.

All sorts of snake-oil salesmen have been packaging up ‘get rich quick’ schemes and ‘spiritual secrets’ for millennia and that’s still going on today with equal fervour. What’s fascinating is that so many people claim to have the panacea for whatever ails us – finances, relationships, lack of opportunity – but when you take a closer look, there always seems to be something missing. In essence, we’re always trying to find a ‘one size fits all’ formula for life and I just don’t think it’s that easy. It strikes me that perhaps the most important – and most enjoyable – part of the process is finding it out for yourself.

There’s enormous wisdom in the material in The Secret, but is it the ultimate answer to life, the universe and everything? I suspect not. In fact, some of the most leading-edge material I’ve come across on the law of attraction isn’t even featured in it. If you’re curious about this kind of thing, take a look at the work of Esther and Jerry Hicks, particularly Ask & It Is Given: Learning To Manifest Your Desires. They introduce a much deeper level of understanding about the nature of reality and how much our emotional self affects our ability to create what we desire in life. They also address how we need to make credible leaps in our thinking, making the transition to beliefs we can genuinely engage in, rather than sticking a band-aid of positive thought over a haemorrhage of negativity.

One of the great mysteries for me in the law of attraction has always been the question of people not receiving what they’re giving. If the law is always operates, just like any other law such as gravity, then it seemed strange to me that those who I know are consistently kind and generous to others do not necessarily receive the same treatment in return. Sandra Anne Taylor, author of Secrets Of Attraction, has demystified that particular anomaly by noting “Our magnetic attraction is based largely upon how we value and treat ourselves, not just on how we value or treat others … if we don’t base our kind treatment of others upon a healthy reverence for ourselves, then that care, as loving as it may seem, doesn’t resonate with love at all. Without self-love at its source, our charity toward others is really a manipulation, based in fear, guilt or the need to be accepted. In accordance with the law, this energy inevitably magnetises unhappiness and unloving responses, because it’s based in unhappiness at its source. So no matter how kind or loving the act may appear, if the motivating source is negative, then the consequence will be likewise.”

Just think about that one for a minute - it’s quite a revolutionary thought. We’ve all been knocking ourselves out to ‘be good’ and it probably hasn’t done us any favours at all. Scary, huh? Actually, I think it’s quite liberating. Let me say first that I value kindness above all other things. My all-time favourite quote is from the Dalai Lama, who says “my religion is kindness”. To me spirituality is thoughtfulness and generosity in action, but there is also a very deep need to honour the self. If we are always acting for others against our own well-being, then that must be a very unhealthy kind of love. Most of the people I know are on the self-sacrificing end of the spectrum and could do with a little more attention to what feels right for them, rather than what seems right for others. Let’s all drop the ‘being good’ attitude, start doing what feels right for us and see if that begins to make a difference in the attitude we’re attracting in response. People-pleasing is so last year!

This week, really take a look at why you’re doing things. Are you doing them because it’s what you really want or because you think you should? If someone asks you to do something, take some time out before responding to really feel into whether or not you’re happy to do it. Look at the plans you have for the year – are they what you’d have chosen for yourself or are you simply accommodating others? It’s not a question of never compromising, but of being very, very clear why you’re choosing to do what you do, so that you can be sure you’re honouring yourself in those choices. Dust off the word ‘no’ and use it a lot this week.

Use this as an opportunity to find out more about yourself – if you’ve been accommodating everyone else for years, you may not even remember what you like at all. Feel free to disappoint those who always expect you to go along with what they want. If you feel guilty about that, get over it. You’ll never learn to take good care of yourself and develop a solid sense of self-worth if you can’t live with a little guilt. Notice who supports you in your new choices and who doesn’t. You want people around you who love you for who you are, not what you’ll do for them.

Here’s a final thought from The Secret, by Rhonda Byrne, on taking good care of yourself. She says “Unless you fill yourself first, you have nothing to give anybody. Therefore it is imperative that you tend to you first. Attend to your joy first. People are responsible for their own joy. When you tend to your joy and do what makes you feel good, you are a joy to be around and you are a shining example to every child and every person in your life. When you are feeling joy you don’t even have to think about giving. It is a natural overflow.”


Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 15 Jan 07)