Gold In The Darkness

Talking a problem through with a friend this morning, she had one of those big, fat, ‘a-ha’ moments that don’t come too often – the kind where you know you’ve finally made a huge step in unravelling an issue that’s plagued you all your life. What she’s currently going through is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. It’s terribly unfair, demoralising and devastating, yet she’s chosen to step away from the easy road of playing victim and blaming everyone else, to open up to an understanding of the deeper purpose behind the situation and what this might mean for her personally. From the outside it may have looked as though the conversation was the trigger for this flash of enlightenment, but this was a moment she’d been working towards for many years. It’s a bit like those bands that tour for years in clubs all over the country and then suddenly become ‘overnight successes’ with a single song. No-one ever gives you credit for all the work that went before.

There is nothing that will pay more dividends than a willingness to see the deeper meaning behind the events in your life. It gives you an ability to navigate the tough times with a sense of purpose, even if there’s no immediate understanding of why a particular thing has occurred. If you can hold an open mind about disappointment, disillusionment and even tragedy, your willingness to navigate in the dark will be richly rewarded. We’ve all had experiences where what we thought was going to be the worst thing that ever happened actually turned out to be the best thing – relationships that go sour, opening you up to far greater happiness or jobs that are lost, freeing you to pursue a lifelong dream. This isn’t just wishful thinking, but a statistical truth. A US Gallup Poll asked people what was the worst thing that ever happened to them and then asked what was the best thing that ever happened to them. Unsurprisingly, 84% of people surveyed gave the same answer to both questions – the worst thing had become the best thing.

If you’re looking for gold in the dark, you need to be patient and to trust. The answers won’t always be immediately obvious, you can’t always see where an event might be leading you and there’s no guarantee that you’re ever going to understand it all anyway. If you’re thinking that’s hardly a good deal for all the effort you’re putting in, just remember that staying stuck in hurt and blame is a lot more painful. And you can’t have it both ways – either you’re leading a meaningful life or you’re not. Period.

A purposeful life isn’t for sissies. As the transpersonal psychologist, Roberto Assagioli, says “Spiritual development is a long and arduous journey, an adventure through strange lands full of surprises, joy, beauty, difficulties and even dangers.” With a sense of meaning and purpose, even difficulties and dangers can reveal their beauty.

For Helen Keller, who – as we know – endured far more difficulties than most of us will ever have to face in a single lifetime, happiness sprang from her willingness to overcome those challenges with grace. As she noted, “A happy life consists not in the absence but in the mastery of hardships”.

This week, take a look at the persistent problems or big events shaping your life at the moment. If you were willing to believe they held meaning for you, what might that be? If you could gather the strength to let go of something, could you summon the trust to believe that something better lies before you? Where can you see patterns in the difficulties that arise in your life? How could you change the way you’ve been viewing those challenges? If you were an outside observer, what would you notice about yourself in those circumstances? What’s the common thread in all those situations? How do they make you feel?

Be willing to just sit with whatever’s bothering you and let it be OK. Slowly let it reveal its insights to you. Trust that the purpose of your life is to reveal your authentic self and that struggle and pain are often the only ways in which we’ll be willing to relinquish the familiar. Know that holding on won’t work when the tide is against you, so you might as well let go and open to a different kind of flow.

I’ll leave you with some wonderful wisdom stories from Alan Cohen, author of Joy Is My Compass, about how to deal with difficult people and circumstances. He wrote, “You can look upon someone who annoys you as your best friend, for they help you to grow. There is a story about a man in ancient Greece who paid someone fifty drachma a day to walk around and insult him, so he would become strong in the face of criticism. And you may remember Kato, the Chinese houseboy of Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther. Kato would jump out of the closet at random moments and assault him with expert karate moves. Clouseau hired Kato to keep him on his toes.” If you can learn to think of those who bother you as a tribe of Katos, you’re on your way to banking some gold from the shadows of your life.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 5 Nov 07)

Over To You

And now for a milestone of the fabulous kind - I Am Fabulous celebrates its first birthday this week. To celebrate, I shall be kicking off my kitten heels, reclining on the chaise longue and asking you to do all the work …

In a year of living fabulously, you must have learned a trick or two, so why don’t you let the rest of us in on the secret? It’s time to gather some collective wisdom, share your stories of serendipity and to tell a few tales of where you’ve found your inspiration in the past year. If I Am Fabulous has led you to take a different path over the past twelve months, what was it that made a shift for you and how has your life evolved?

Just a few brief thoughts are enough – when it comes to words, it’s always quality, not quantity, that counts. What you’ve learned could make a real difference in someone else’s life. This is your chance to share your hard-earned wisdom and make the path a little easier for another.

For those of you who find it hard to face a blank page, here are a couple of thoughts to get you going:

· What new idea has changed the way you act this year?
· Is there a quote that’s really touched your heart and given you hope or made you want to be a better person?
· What makes life worth living for you?
· Who do you admire and what is it about them that makes them special?
· What has inspired you to do something brave or bold?
· How do you know when you’re on purpose in your life?
· What’s the best thing you do, say or believe when you need to summon up some confidence or feel good about yourself?
· If you had only one piece of life wisdom to pass on, what would it be?

Whilst you’re sending in your stories of insight and inspiration, I shall be recovering from a little corrective knee surgery – definitely not cosmetic, a la Demi Moore, I hasten to add! I may be shallow, but I’m not that shallow. So, I have the perfect excuse to lounge about, fabulous-style, and luxuriate in the pleasure of doing the reading, rather than the writing, for a change.

Let the good tales roll … send your stories to iamfabulousco@aol.com

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 13 Nov 06)

The Devil Wears Prada
My recent passion for Sex And The City box-set DVD marathons has left me in a fashionista kind of mood, so before it hits the big screen over here in the autumn, I’ve been curled up on the couch with my head tucked into a copy of The Devil Wears Prada. It’ll be fascinating to see how this one plays out on screen, as the Anna ‘Nuclear’ Wintour-style New York fashion magazine editor is without a doubt one of the nastiest pieces of work ever to grace the silver screen in a skirt. Meryl Streep must have had a field day bringing Miranda Priestley to life, with her imperious manner, petulant demands and complete and utter lack of compassion or self-awareness. It’s very rare to come across a character who has absolutely no redeeming features, so that role is one in a million.

Sadly, having the boss from hell doesn’t factor in quite the same odds. Reading about Miranda Priestley’s outrageous behaviour brought to mind far too many similar experiences for comfort, not only for me, but for many others who’ve gone through the ritual humiliation that is office politics. Very few of us seem to escape having at least one job that sucked the life blood out of you, where everyone subsisted in an atmosphere of dread and fear. The real problem with these kinds of working environments is that over time we become so socialised to them that we end up thinking they’re normal. Such is the fate of Miranda’s hapless assistant in this tale – she starts off thinking the demands made on her are unreasonable and ends up barely batting an eyelid as her boss’s behaviour becomes progressively more and more insane and her own life is totally subsumed into subservience to the almighty Miranda.

Luckily for our protagonist, her descent into hell is interrupted by a tragic wake-up call that sees her giving the Prada-clad she-devil a less than erudite, but totally satisfying, four-letter-worded farewell. Unfortunately it takes almost a year of daily abuse for sanity to reign supreme in this story, but even more unfortunately I know of many real-life stories where it’s taken an awful lot longer.

So what’s really going on when we find ourselves in a job that’s a living nightmare? Typically it’s a combination of things, so there will never be a tried and tested formula for avoiding this one, but here are a few clues.

First, there’s the square peg, round hole thing going on. Often we jam ourselves into jobs the way we try to shoehorn ourselves into an ill-fitting pair of Manolos, just because they’re on sale. Everyone else may want this job, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the right one for you. The oft-repeated chorus of ‘a million other girls would kill to have your job’ echoes throughout this story and keeps our heroine bound in slavery, because she’s trying desperately to hang on to something she never wanted in the first place, but that other people covet. Sometimes we can end up in this trap because we’re not clear on what we really want to do and sometimes it can be because we’re not willing to believe in ourselves enough to hold out for the right position. Either way, if this theme is showing up in your life right now, it’s time to be clear on who you are and where you want to be and to be brave enough to seek out opportunities that reflect your aspirations.

Another juicy little dead-end is ‘the challenge’. Personally, I’m rather an expert in this, being a bit of an experience junkie. I have had some extraordinarily challenging jobs that completely took over my life for several years and yet, when I look back, it’s hard to find many moments in those times that I actually enjoyed. I found myself in environments I loathed, surrounded by colleagues with whom I had little – if anything – in common, and was stymied by levels of bureaucracy that threatened to suffocate me in paperwork and committees. For a free-spirited and free-thinking person, that was hell on earth. Yet, there I was, knocking myself out to earn the approval of bosses I neither liked nor respected. If you think there’s something wrong with that picture, you’re right on the money. Seduced by the idea of the initial challenge, I had fallen into the habit of trying to flog a dead horse rather than face the fact that I was so far off-track career-wise that I’d lost all sense of direction. Two good questions to ask yourself if you find yourself in this kind of dilemma are pretty basic, but they’ll do the trick … Who am I? and Why am I here? Yes, really. It’s that simple.

Then there’s the ‘abused puppy syndrome’ – over-enthusiastically appreciating any opportunity, even if you’re likely to be beaten up in the process. That’s where you’ll put up with just about any lousy job because your self-esteem is so low it’s not even on the radar and you’re pathetically grateful that anyone would want to employ you at all. Before you laugh and decide you’d never be like that, just remember that self-confidence is a moveable feast – sometimes when life throws you a few curveballs, or you’re just starting out, or if your confidence has been undermined in a previous position, it can be hard to feel strong enough to stand up for what you’re worth. Getting out of this one takes a little effort, but it’s a lot easier to do the inner work than slowly disintegrate in the job from hell. In a nutshell, we teach people how to treat us. When we value ourselves and treat ourselves with respect, then that’s a strong signal to others to do the same. If you’re not willing to believe in yourself, then, believe me, not a lot of people are going to line up to do it for you. Your self-respect is your responsibility and honouring yourself is the first step to finding environments that support you, whether they’re at work, at home or at play.

It’s downright strange that we place so much emphasis on the jobs that we do, as if they were all that really mattered, when in truth, they’re only a very small part of a much bigger picture. Your purpose in life is not a job, and it’s not even a profession. It’s the full expression of the unique talents and qualities that make up the quirky one-of-a-kind human being that you are. No job can possibly encompass the totality of that. When I see people who are really on purpose, in the broadest sense of the word, I can see how who they are and what they love permeates everything that they do. It’s not something that they switch on and off from nine to five.
A friend of mine is a restaurateur with a singular talent for creating the most relaxing and welcoming ambience you’ve ever had the pleasure to encounter. Her joy is to uplift people and create beautiful environments where that can happen. She’s living her purpose because she’s expressing who she is – an inspirational person who just happens to run restaurants. Another friend is a natural carer with a heart of gold and a will to inspire, who just happens to appear in the guise of a hairdresser. I’m hoping you’re catching my drift here – your job isn’t your identity, but your identity should be expressed in your job. If who you really are at heart isn’t a good match with your job description, then it’s time for some course correction.

This week, take some time to take a look at what you’re doing for a living and how much that reflects who you are, the kind of environment you enjoy and the people you like to spend time with. Dare to ask yourself the million dollar question – are you having fun yet? Is there some reason you’re still putting off making the move to something more satisfying? Exactly how much longer do you plan to do that? If you’re miserable where you are, get an exit strategy and get it soon. You’re here to do what makes your heart sing, not subsist in drudgery. If you’re one of the lucky ones who happens to be loving where you are right now, celebrate that – don’t let that pass you by – and maybe think about how you could make it even better.

On a lighter note, for all you budding Patricia Fields out there – who styled both Sex And The City and the forthcoming film of The Devil Wears Prada – you can practice your styling talents by registering your votes at www.hideousskirt.com. Yes, it does exactly what it says on the tin – you can vote on how truly awful other people’s clothes are. If a fashion history challenge is more your style, then you can amuse yourself by doing the Fashion 101 quiz at http://www.devilwearspradamovie.com/fashion101/index.html. By the way, doing too well at the quiz may be a sign that you spend way too much time reading Vogue (and that’s not an oxymoron).

Coach Fabulous is updated every Thursday at http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. You can also use the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right. For alert emails on new postings, send a blank email to IAmFabulousCo@aol.com with 'Subscribe' in the title field. All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 31 Jul 06)