Coming Unstuck


Coaching a friend over coffee the other day, we got to talking about the frustration of wanting to move forward, but finding yourself blocked at every turn. It’s an experience that we’re all going to have at some point in life when we’re being driven by necessity rather than inspiration. As human beings we naturally pursue pleasure and try to avoid pain, so we are easily distracted into paths that seem like an easy solution, even when they might not be the best ones for us. This urge to keep doing things that aren’t working out for us has been identified in Buddhism as “where your desires for satisfaction and happiness are not in sync with the methods you go about using”. Good point, Buddha. This is where you realise that your coping mechanisms are not doing you any favours.

In the instance we were discussing, in order to get out of a difficult work situation where she felt very stuck, my friend was applying for pretty much anything and everything. She was feeling very disappointed by the constant rejection, despite the fact that she didn’t really want the jobs in the first place, had no real interest in them and felt that many of them were way below her skills level. Hmm, interesting … so here she is, exhausted from trying to make something work to get away from the pain she’s in and then feeling rejected by people she didn’t want to work for anyway. What’s wrong with this picture?

As human beings, we love certainty. We don’t like something, so we immediately want to replace it with something else. We won’t let ourselves relax until we’ve filled the gap. Often, as in this case, we want to do something else entirely, but we won’t give ourselves the permission to pursue our dreams. We assume we can’t have them, so we start grasping for second best straight away. When that doesn’t work, we get frustrated and depressed, feeling like we’re being punished. Curiously, the one meting out the punishment isn’t an external force, but an internal one. If we’d let ourselves off the hook of trying to solve the problem with more and more manic activity and took some time out to think deeply about what we really do want, things could open up for us in a way they just will not do when we’re in frantic mode. Nothing good ever comes out of mindless, stressed and limited thinking.

If you think you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, maybe you’re riding the wrong horse. Maybe you’re meant to be on a different path entirely. Consider the possibility that letting go of the struggle to force something into being might be the paradoxical move that will open up a whole new approach for you. What if a dead end is exactly that – requiring something to wither and die, so that new growth can begin? If we can learn to accept where we are, without struggling with it, then a new way can emerge. The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, says “If we just try to get rid of negative feelings, we don’t realise that those feelings are our wisdom. The transmutation comes from the willingness to hold our seat with the feeling, to let the words go, to let the justification go. We don’t have to have a resolution. We can live with a dissonant note; we don’t have to play the next key to end the tune.”

To break the cycle of running away from pain, we need to learn to be comfortable with whatever is appearing in our lives. As Chodron notes, “We’re so used to running from discomfort and we’re so predictable. If we don’t like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when actually we have no ground to stand on at all. The next time there’s no ground to stand on, don’t consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could truly grow up.”

Learning to live joyfully when we feel like there’s no ground under our feet is no easy task, but it is an essential life skill. We cannot avoid pain – we will lose people, jobs, health and money – but we can control how much we suffer in relation to those events. The times in which we are living are tough to navigate and whether we sink or swim is going to be very much determined by our ability to stay in tune with our own inner guidance and to accept outer circumstances for what they are, staying in the present moment as much as possible. That’s not to say that we don’t try to envisage a positive future for ourselves, but that we don’t beat ourselves up for not having that experience right now. Again, Chodron is right on the money when she says “Times are difficult globally; awakening is no longer a luxury or an ideal. It’s becoming critical. We don’t need to add more depression, more discouragement or more anger to what’s already here. It’s becoming essential that we learn how to relate sanely with difficult times. The earth seems to be beseeching us to connect with joy and discover our innermost essence. This is the best way that we can benefit others.”

For my friend, part of the release from pain will come from letting go of the struggle (and unnecessary distraction activities that she thinks will help her avoid it) and part will come from getting clear on what she really wants, what she has to offer and what will be inspiring for her to pursue. There are no shortcuts. The scattergun approach doesn’t work. We’re all reading each other’s energy and attitudes all the time with amazing accuracy, so people can instinctively sense if you’re not really that interested and just chasing something for the money or as an escape from something else.

When life doesn’t seem to want to open the door for you on things you think you might want – or even those you know you don’t really want, but are chasing for convenience – it’s time for a radical shift, be it in attitude or action. Something’s gotta give. Same approach, same results. It’s not rocket science.

This week take a look at the place where you’re most stuck or most afraid of being uncertain. Be willing to really feel into it, however uncomfortable that may be. When you can do that, start to allow yourself to accept things as they are, to relax even though you don’t have a solution. Allow yourself to feel safe and secure within yourself without any firm ground under your feet. Then ask quietly, “What is this trying to tell me?”. Be open to whatever comes into your mind. If you’re feeling completely stuck, try asking “What am I afraid to see?”. Practise being comfortable with difficult feelings.

If you want a little inspiration to reconnect with your own sense of purpose, take the statement “I feel alive when …” and answer it in as many ways as you can. Don’t forget to add the small things, like sitting in the garden and having a cup of tea in the sunshine. It’s all grist for the mill when you’re trying to connect with your essential self. The smallest of things will show you what you value. When you’re done – try to rack up at least 15 or 20 things if you can – look at your list and see what each of the items have in common. It’s a fabulous exercise to start liberating your mind to think creatively about what brings you joy.

Be willing to dive deeply and bring forth what is within you. In the words of the German political thinker, Rudolf Bahro, "When an old culture is dying, the new culture is created by those people who are not afraid to be insecure".

As a final bit of brain food, here's Pema Chodron discussing the relief of suffering with Bill Moyers ...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jTfx-fm_ZzU

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 4 Aug 08)

Original Goodness


One of the great attractions of Buddhist thought is that it functions very much like a spiritually-effective form of psychology, helping us to heal our wounds through the practice of mindfulness to return to what the spiritual writer Jack Kornfield calls ‘our original goodness’. Although Buddhism arose in the East, its approach is incredibly helpful for the uniquely Western condition of self-loathing, the malaise that lies at the heart of a lack of self-confidence.

The Buddhist writer, Pema Chodron, has spoken of being with the Dalai Lama at a conference with Western Buddhist teachers, where a meditation teacher brought up the subject of self-hatred. As Chodron recalls, “The Dalai Lama didn’t know what she was talking about. So he went around the room and asked the other Western teachers about it, and every one of them agreed with her. Self-hatred was something the Dalai Lama didn’t understand. The first noble truth of the Buddha is that people experience dukka, a feeling of dissatisfaction or suffering, a feeling that something is wrong. We feel this dissatisfaction because we’re not in tune with our true nature, our goodness. And we aren’t going to be fundamentally spiritually content until we get in tune … only in the West is this dissatisfaction articulated as ‘something is wrong with me’. It seems that thinking of oneself as flawed is more a Western phenomenon than a universal one.”

There’s comfort to be found in those words. If self-loathing is uniquely Western, it’s not part of who we are at heart, but simply a form of cultural conditioning. That makes it about as valid psychologically as a cultural preference for tea over coffee – just because it’s habitual doesn’t make it important. Part of the release from self-destructive habits comes in the form of recognition and detachment, by realising that they actually mean nothing about you. You may have a long-held story about your unworthiness or your unlikeability that you keep running in your head, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Knowing that self-loathing isn’t a universal disease is a helpful step in uprooting the belief that it’s normal to treat yourself that way.

Another step in releasing those kinds of demons is to face them. We spend our whole lives running away from what we fear and trying to do the opposite to convince ourselves that we’re OK. If we’re afraid that we’re bad, we try so hard to be good that we overdose on people-pleasing and have trouble setting boundaries. If we’re convinced that we’re weak, we’ll knock ourselves out trying to seem strong, putting up defences in all our relationships, afraid of the vulnerability of allowing others to see us as we are, lest they see our fragility. Those coping mechanisms just make the problem worse, however, as they reinforce the need for a false persona because we believe our true nature to be flawed. To shake free of these chains, we must face what we most fear – our own pain and self-loathing.

Describing her own experience of feeling deeply into an ancient pain, Chodron says “There was a recognition that I needed to relax into the pain. Until then I had avoided going to this place where I felt bad or unacceptable or unloved. No language could express how awful that place felt. But I just started breathing into it … but as I relaxed into that feeling, it passed through me. And I didn’t die. It passed right through. That was a big moment for me. I realised that resistance to the idea that I was unlovable only made the pain worse … I realised what a source of happiness turning towards pain actually is. Our avoidance of pain keeps us locked in a cycle of suffering.”

We’ll be held in the grip of a nightmare unless we remember that we’re dreaming. Any story you tell yourself about not being good enough is just a story, and an old one at that. When you can really face your fears about how bad you think you might be, on the other side lies the truth of your original goodness.

There’s plenty of evidence for the beauty of our original nature. The Tibetan Book Of The Dead instructs us to remember “O nobly born, O you of glorious origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home.” Recalling a mystical experience where he was shown the truth about humanity, the Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote “Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed … I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.”

This week, live as if you remember your original goodness. Know that wherever you’re habitually attacking yourself, you’re telling yourself a lie. When you have some quiet time, step into the lie more fully. Really feel all the dreadful things you believe about yourself deep down. Feel them as deeply as you can until you pop right through to the other side. Release yourself from the bondage of an old, outdated story that never was true in the first place. When you’re no longer afraid of what you might find, you can embrace exactly who you are with love and compassion, with no need for defences. When you have nothing to defend, the paradox is that you’ll become incredibly strong, with an unshakeable depth of self-acceptance and confidence. How else could you be if you knew the fabulous truth about yourself?

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 16 Jun 08)