Shoot The Messenger

Sometimes it takes a bit of anti-fab to remind you what fabulousness truly means. I was struck today by just how insidious one simple message could be. Of course we’re constantly bombarded by editorial and advertisements implying we’re less than acceptable without the benefit of some new gadget or beauty product, but most of it flies under the radar. What brought it into sharp focus was the sheer audacity of the latest advertisement for a magazine touting self-development and ‘a richer life’ for women, asking “Are you with the wrong man, or are you the wrong woman? Just think about it. “Are you the wrong woman?” Subtle it ain’t.

This is for a publication aimed at affluent, intelligent women. Did they think we wouldn’t notice? OK, it’s a universal truth that all advertising exploits fear or creates new needs, but this one’s really shameless. Absurdly shameless, considering that it’s for a self-help mag. So what has this got to do with fabulousness? Absolutely everything. Fabulousness is a state of mind. It’s the beauty of your true self aligned with genuine, inner-driven self-belief. What’s fabulous about you is what is individual and unique about you. You cannot possibly be the wrong woman.

This is not about one single advertisement; it’s that we’re drowning in a sea of media assaults on our self-confidence and self-worth that we probably don’t even notice. Every now and then we hear the siren call of some person, theory or product that we think could boost our self-esteem, but nothing will help if it’s based on the premise that there’s something wrong with you. Or even worse, that fundamentally you’re somehow wrong.

Self-confidence, like happiness, is an inside job. It’s an inner light that says you know your own worth. Like any flame, it needs fuel. That comes from paying attention to your own inner world, treating yourself kindly and seeing yourself as perfectly acceptable whether the outside world does or not. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. If you’re willing to think of yourself as wrong, not enough, less than etc (strike out non-applicable) then don’t be surprised if others do too. It’s not rocket science. We get back what we put out.

Nowhere do we see this dynamic more powerfully than in intimate relationships. Marianne Williamson, author of A Return to Love, says the first thing you should do when you’re attracted to someone is pray, because every potential for neurosis you have is about to come out of the closet. She says “We never get crazy like we do around the people we’re really attracted to … our fearful places have to be revealed before they can be healed”. Asking a destructive question like “Are you the wrong woman?” only feeds the cycle of fear and fails to do the real work of bringing light to the places where we aren’t being accepting of ourselves.

Sustainable self-confidence comes from taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being. No man will do it for you, no promotion will give you that lasting feeling and sadly not even a Vuitton handbag can cut it in these stakes – this one’s entirely up to you. All that you are willing to think of yourself, for good or ill, will show up in your life and your relationships.

The Toltec shaman, Don Miguel Ruiz, writes in The Mastery of Love, “To master a relationship is all about you. The first step is to become aware, to know that everyone dreams his own dream. Once you know this, you can be responsible for your half of the relationship, which is you … Next, if you know what is love and what is fear, you become aware of the way you communicate your dream to others. The quality of your communication depends upon the choices you make in each moment, whether you tune your emotional body to love or to fear … Finally, if you are aware that no-one else can make you happy, and that happiness is the result of love coming out of you, this becomes the greatest mastery".

So the next time you’re lounging about, flipping through a glossy mag – which is one of life’s joys, particularly if accompanied by cake and champagne - see if you can spot the intentional error. If it’s not helping you to see yourself with love, it’s not helping. Do a Nancy Reagan and Just Say No to anything that peddles the myth of being ‘wrong’ and keep your fabulousness burning bright.


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All material © 2006 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 9 Jan 06)