Fab Central

2008-10-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

New Address

It's not just me ... I Am Fabulous has a new home too. From Tuesday, 9 September 2008, you can get your weekly dose of fabulousness at www.chezfabulous.blogspot.com/.

It all got a bit complicated trying to ensure that I could edit the blog on AOL after I closed my account, so there's a new home and a new name to boot.

If that's just all too much to remember, just go to www.iamfabulous.co.uk as usual and from Tuesday you'll be redirected to the new site for all things fabulous.

2008-10-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

Processing The Process

Thankfully, the house move will be done and dusted by the end of the week and life will resume some kind of normalcy. However, at the moment I’m still in the process and therefore still processing the experience. Discussing it with a friend this afternoon, we agreed that even when change is what you want, it’s still an emotional experience. Letting go can be tough and the simple act of rummaging through long-held items stirs up complex emotions. As the coach and author, Cheryl Richardson, says “When we say goodbye, we never say goodbye to one person, one event or one thing. We say goodbye to many experiences – the lessons learned, the challenges won and lost, the unfulfilled promises or the unexpected joys. This takes time, patience and a willingness to sift through and experience all our feelings.”

She also advocates fully embracing the ending to create a new beginning, acknowledging the good times as well as the difficult ones. Where we often have trouble is being willing to let ourselves surrender to the sadness that change evokes. Cheryl notes “Sadness simply means that we’re experiencing the loss of something that held significance in our lives. It’s earned the right to pull at our hearts. If you allow yourself to go through it instead of working hard to go around it, you’ll save yourself a whole lot of energy. You can’t feel joy without cultivating the strength to feel pain.”

Take a look at this Oprah clip about the world’s largest garage sale to see just how far one woman took her clutter and the emotions that were stirred up in letting it go. Makes me look like a rank amateur in the pack rat stakes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADGQOxqLKiI

Until normal service is resumed next week – when I have come out of my removal-related coma – take a look at what’s ready to change in your life and acknowledge the complex emotions surrounding it. Even when it’s a positive step, there may still be some feelings of loss around it. Allow yourself to acknowledge your feelings fully so that you can move free and unencumbered into the next phase of your life. When we pay attention to even our most uncomfortable feelings, we don’t necessarily increase them – paradoxically, once they’re acknowledged they tend to subside.

Break through your own resistance to difficult emotions like grief, sadness and loss. If you feel into them deeply you’ll break through to the hope and inspiration that lies beyond them. Remember, the only way out is through. Avoid nothing and watch how easily the shadows can be dispelled. There’s nothing to fear when you know that all feelings are temporary and that uncomfortable ones rise up for the express purpose of being released. Notice them, feel them and move on, trusting that your willingness to look within will be well-rewarded. Allow yourself to walk through the shadows to find your own lightness of being.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 25 Aug 08)

2008-10-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Pattern Interrupt

Sometimes you just have to shake things up. Waiting for things to change is a stuck energy from which little creativity flows. Sometimes you need a radical shake-up to get you onto the path that’s right for you. At Fab Towers, there’s a radical shake-up going on to create more flexibility – losing stuff to gain freedom. Although it’s exhausting – as all house moves are – it’s highly cathartic to choose only what you truly love and let the rest go.

This week, as I’m fully occupied with paring my life down to the barest minimum, here’s a little inspiration from Marianne Williamson to give you food for thought on your own path.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1JKFtDnucUA

If you want to join me in a little clutter-clearing catharsis, take a really good look around the house and notice how much of what surrounds you is what you genuinely love. If you don’t have a sentimental connection to something and you’re not using it, let someone else get good use of it. Sell it, donate it, recycle it or give it to a friend. If something’s broken, fix it or throw it out. Tying up loose ends and clearing clutter free up energy and psychologically open us up to new experiences. We hold on to stuff because we fear the future – we want to be prepared in case we need it, yet rarely, when we’ve let something go, do we ever need it again.

Use this opportunity to lighten up a little, even if it’s only clearing out the car or a junk drawer you randomly throw things into. Every little thing you let go of will help you to feel lighter and freer. You might even get on a roll and be excited by the process. My favourite phrase at the minute is ‘what can I get rid of today?’ – coming from a natural pack rat, that’s a complete 180 and a major achievement!

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 18 Aug 08)

2008-10-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Seeing Gold

Unsurprisingly, I’m not a sports fan. Even the Olympics leave me cold. Until, of course, someone like Michael Phelps goes ahead and shatters a wall of achievement that’s been in place for 36 years by crashing the seven Olympic gold medal barrier. Not only did he manage something the original record-holder, Mark Spitz, called ‘epic’, but in his winning speeches Phelps didn’t just focus on the physical aspects of what it took to become history’s greatest Olympian – he strongly endorsed the power of the psychological aspects by noting “The biggest thing I’m thankful for is that I’ve been able to use my imagination”. It was Einstein who said “imagination is more important than knowledge”, so I’m rather bemused to have seen a similar thought crop up in a sportscast.

Even when interviewers have speculated on whether it was physically possible to win eight gold medals, Phelps responded, “In my dreams I always wanted it”. This is clearly a guy with a vision – the kind of vision that gets you up in the early hours of the morning to slog through hours of training in the pool, whatever the weather, year in, year out, and makes you believe you can achieve something no-one else has been able to do for over three decades. That’s some imagination.

What Michael Phelps is demonstrating for us all is that not only do we need a strong vision of what we want to achieve, but we also need to be able to use our imagination to visualise ourselves having it. He’s been living eight gold medals for years now. His sponsors, Speedo, added further motivation by promising him $1 million if he got seven medals in either Athens or Beijing. He may have missed the target by one medal in Greece, but he racked up an extra one for good measure in China. This is someone who never gives up, no matter what anyone else says and no matter if it appears – temporarily – that he’s losing. His vision and his imagination carry him through.

Another secret ingredient for Phelps’ outstanding success is his higher vision. His victory wasn’t just personal, it served a higher goal. On hitting the eight medal target, Phelps commented “The greatest thing is proving nothing is impossible. So many people said it couldn’t be done, but all it takes is imagination. From here it is a continuation of my goal of raising the sport as high as I can in the US.” It wasn’t just about the medals or the money. It was about breaking through limitations and giving something back.

We’ve been treated to an extraordinary display of both sportsmanship and leadership by Phelps and by Spitz too, whose graciousness was glorious to behold as he passed the seven-medal mantle to Phelps. “I’m so proud of what he’s been able to do,” said Spitz. “I did what I did and it was in my day in that set of circumstances. For 36 years it stood as a benchmark. I’m just pleased that somebody was inspired by what I had done. He’s entitled to every second of what’s occurring to him now.”

This week, take a look at your over-arching vision for your life. What is it that would make it all worthwhile? What’s your seven or eight gold medal goal? What would you be disappointed not to have achieved at the end of your life? What’s your ultimate ambition? Does it have a higher perspective? Who does it help beyond yourself? When you’re clear on that, really imagine yourself achieving it. What would it be like if you actually did it? How would it feel? What would it change? How would you feel about yourself? How would it affect others? Visualise it so strongly you could taste it. Now keep this flame alive by taking a few minutes to imagine it every single day. The best time is just before you fall asleep at night, taking that vision into dreams with you, and again in the morning, just as you wake. Let a higher vision infuse your life – you never know where it might take you. After all, nothing is impossible. Michael Phelps is a fabulous walking demonstration of that.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 11 Aug 08)

2008-10-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

Coming Unstuck

Coaching a friend over coffee the other day, we got to talking about the frustration of wanting to move forward, but finding yourself blocked at every turn. It’s an experience that we’re all going to have at some point in life when we’re being driven by necessity rather than inspiration. As human beings we naturally pursue pleasure and try to avoid pain, so we are easily distracted into paths that seem like an easy solution, even when they might not be the best ones for us. This urge to keep doing things that aren’t working out for us has been identified in Buddhism as “where your desires for satisfaction and happiness are not in sync with the methods you go about using”. Good point, Buddha. This is where you realise that your coping mechanisms are not doing you any favours.

In the instance we were discussing, in order to get out of a difficult work situation where she felt very stuck, my friend was applying for pretty much anything and everything. She was feeling very disappointed by the constant rejection, despite the fact that she didn’t really want the jobs in the first place, had no real interest in them and felt that many of them were way below her skills level. Hmm, interesting … so here she is, exhausted from trying to make something work to get away from the pain she’s in and then feeling rejected by people she didn’t want to work for anyway. What’s wrong with this picture?

As human beings, we love certainty. We don’t like something, so we immediately want to replace it with something else. We won’t let ourselves relax until we’ve filled the gap. Often, as in this case, we want to do something else entirely, but we won’t give ourselves the permission to pursue our dreams. We assume we can’t have them, so we start grasping for second best straight away. When that doesn’t work, we get frustrated and depressed, feeling like we’re being punished. Curiously, the one meting out the punishment isn’t an external force, but an internal one. If we’d let ourselves off the hook of trying to solve the problem with more and more manic activity and took some time out to think deeply about what we really do want, things could open up for us in a way they just will not do when we’re in frantic mode. Nothing good ever comes out of mindless, stressed and limited thinking.

If you think you’ve tried everything and nothing is working, maybe you’re riding the wrong horse. Maybe you’re meant to be on a different path entirely. Consider the possibility that letting go of the struggle to force something into being might be the paradoxical move that will open up a whole new approach for you. What if a dead end is exactly that – requiring something to wither and die, so that new growth can begin? If we can learn to accept where we are, without struggling with it, then a new way can emerge. The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron, says “If we just try to get rid of negative feelings, we don’t realise that those feelings are our wisdom. The transmutation comes from the willingness to hold our seat with the feeling, to let the words go, to let the justification go. We don’t have to have a resolution. We can live with a dissonant note; we don’t have to play the next key to end the tune.”

To break the cycle of running away from pain, we need to learn to be comfortable with whatever is appearing in our lives. As Chodron notes, “We’re so used to running from discomfort and we’re so predictable. If we don’t like it, we strike out at someone or beat up on ourselves. We want to have security and certainty of some kind when actually we have no ground to stand on at all. The next time there’s no ground to stand on, don’t consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck. We have no ground to stand on and at the same time it could soften us and inspire us. Finally, after all these years, we could truly grow up.”

Learning to live joyfully when we feel like there’s no ground under our feet is no easy task, but it is an essential life skill. We cannot avoid pain – we will lose people, jobs, health and money – but we can control how much we suffer in relation to those events. The times in which we are living are tough to navigate and whether we sink or swim is going to be very much determined by our ability to stay in tune with our own inner guidance and to accept outer circumstances for what they are, staying in the present moment as much as possible. That’s not to say that we don’t try to envisage a positive future for ourselves, but that we don’t beat ourselves up for not having that experience right now. Again, Chodron is right on the money when she says “Times are difficult globally; awakening is no longer a luxury or an ideal. It’s becoming critical. We don’t need to add more depression, more discouragement or more anger to what’s already here. It’s becoming essential that we learn how to relate sanely with difficult times. The earth seems to be beseeching us to connect with joy and discover our innermost essence. This is the best way that we can benefit others.”

For my friend, part of the release from pain will come from letting go of the struggle (and unnecessary distraction activities that she thinks will help her avoid it) and part will come from getting clear on what she really wants, what she has to offer and what will be inspiring for her to pursue. There are no shortcuts. The scattergun approach doesn’t work. We’re all reading each other’s energy and attitudes all the time with amazing accuracy, so people can instinctively sense if you’re not really that interested and just chasing something for the money or as an escape from something else.

When life doesn’t seem to want to open the door for you on things you think you might want – or even those you know you don’t really want, but are chasing for convenience – it’s time for a radical shift, be it in attitude or action. Something’s gotta give. Same approach, same results. It’s not rocket science.

This week take a look at the place where you’re most stuck or most afraid of being uncertain. Be willing to really feel into it, however uncomfortable that may be. When you can do that, start to allow yourself to accept things as they are, to relax even though you don’t have a solution. Allow yourself to feel safe and secure within yourself without any firm ground under your feet. Then ask quietly, “What is this trying to tell me?”. Be open to whatever comes into your mind. If you’re feeling completely stuck, try asking “What am I afraid to see?”. Practise being comfortable with difficult feelings.

If you want a little inspiration to reconnect with your own sense of purpose, take the statement “I feel alive when …” and answer it in as many ways as you can. Don’t forget to add the small things, like sitting in the garden and having a cup of tea in the sunshine. It’s all grist for the mill when you’re trying to connect with your essential self. The smallest of things will show you what you value. When you’re done – try to rack up at least 15 or 20 things if you can – look at your list and see what each of the items have in common. It’s a fabulous exercise to start liberating your mind to think creatively about what brings you joy.

Be willing to dive deeply and bring forth what is within you. In the words of the German political thinker, Rudolf Bahro, "When an old culture is dying, the new culture is created by those people who are not afraid to be insecure".

As a final bit of brain food, here's Pema Chodron discussing the relief of suffering with Bill Moyers ...

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jTfx-fm_ZzU

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 4 Aug 08)

2008-10-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Spiritualised

When the going gets tough, the tough get spiritualised. Or at least that’s my take on it. Collectively, we’re going through difficult times. Few of us are unaffected by the general level of stress and barely-restrained hysteria out there and many of us are experiencing straitened circumstances, perhaps for the first time in our lives. When there’s no comfort in the outer world, at least we can find some in the inner one. It really doesn’t matter what you’re going through – there’s a spiritual balm for almost any problem.

Focusing on whatever your current issue might be and worrying it to death is only going to get you even more uptight and quite probably spin you into helplessness, feeling trapped and stuck. That’s not to say you don’t do everything you need to do to deal with it but that, as Einstein said, you cannot solve a problem from the level of consciousness that created it. If you’re stuck in a headspin, the solution you’ll come up with is highly unlikely to be a useful one. So even before you take the practical steps to work with an issue, take a little time out to relax your mind and body. Your creativity and intuition cannot flow in a thought-field that’s set like concrete. When your mind is clear, take the steps that you need to take to alleviate the problem.

Once that’s done, that’s where the spiritualised part really kicks in. So far, you’ve only been in problem-solving mode. The next step is to really begin to separate yourself from the problem. Most of us specialise in feeling really bad when we have an issue, even when we’ve taken the steps we need to take to resolve it. But what if we didn’t have to, even if we didn’t have a solution? If you cannot change something, at least you can change the way you’re feeling about it. The issue will still be there, whether you sit around feeling bad about it or not. It won’t magically go away if you mope around. If anything, it’ll probably get worse.

What’s required is a little detachment, learning to dis-identify with the problem and re-identify with the truth of who you are, which is infinitely creative, talented, inspired and of course fabulous. The more you can liberate yourself from identification with the problem and cleave to your natural, authentic self, the easier it will become to see issues as passing clouds that are impermanent. They don’t need to obscure your personal joy. OK it’s a tough call to live like this, because it’s just so much easier to wallow, but I guarantee you’ll feel so much better for it.

When you find yourself able to lighten up a little and get on with the good things in life, regardless of your circumstances, try looking for a message in whatever trials you’re currently experiencing. Are you bashing your head against a brick wall, trying to make something work that quite patently won’t? Is this a call to examine your personal values and start making different choices? Could this be some personal resistance you’ve never noticed before or an old pattern that keeps rearing its ugly head?

If we consider life to be a process of refinement, then it’s constantly sending us down a path of discernment, where we get to choose what’s right for us. Often the really difficult experiences are the ones where we get to learn what – and who – we truly value. If that’s where you are right now, what might this be leading you to? Get over the concept of punishment and start thinking about course correction. What if your current circumstances were signposts trying to lead you down a different pathway? Are you hanging on for dear life to something that’s no longer right for you?

Nietzsche was right – what doesn’t kill you does make you stronger. What he didn’t say was that you can almost go mad in the process. The top tip for any personal difficulty is to find support wherever and whenever you can. Trying to go it alone and doing the old stiff upper lip trick just doesn’t cut it. Talk to your good friends and let them help in any way they can. Indulge in the things that make you feel good, however small a luxury they may be. Call upon the memory of good times and those who have loved you when you need uplifting. Tap into inner resources of peace through meditation and mindfulness. If your brain is really fried, try guided meditation, which will help you to focus when all else fails. You’ll find short audio meditations at http://www.orindaben.com/meditations/orinmeditations.php and a selection of video Wisdom Flashes at http://www.consciousone.com/wisdomflash to help you shift your mood.

Bottom line, a shift in perception is always what’s needed when we’re confronted with things we don’t like. We can stay stuck in the pain or we can choose to think and feel differently. If a relationship is driving you nuts, try a radical shift into appreciating why you love that person. If money’s the problem, use what you have for things you really enjoy and start paying attention to the things and people who bring you joy and don’t cost a penny. If it’s work that’s causing you to flip out, remember the job isn’t you. You had a life before it and you’ll have one after it. This too shall pass. For the big stuff as much as the little stuff, it serves us well to remember that change is the only certainty in life. We have to find our security within ourselves, because all things in the outer world are subject to change. That’s where having a faith and a spiritual practice are vital – you can find joy, support and hope even in the darkest hours.

This week, take whatever’s bugging you and start dis-identifying with it, remembering you can still choose to be happy, whether the problem is there or not. You can still find things to be grateful for, you can still go out and have a good time and you can still relax even if there’s no obvious solution. The quality of your inner world is what affects the quality of your outer world. We tend to think it’s the other way around, but there’s always a choice. One particular saying from A Course In Miracles comes in pretty handy whenever you’re up against it. It goes like this: “I could choose peace instead of this.” Use it like a mantra when the going gets tough. It’ll help break the cycle of repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. Be kind to yourself, let yourself off the hook, accept your circumstances as they are and choose to find peace in the midst of the maelstrom. Even a hurricane has a still point at its centre. Find yours and keep returning to it.

Here’s a little wisdom from Lao Tzu to help you on your way:

“When the chatter of our minds quiets down, we find the still point around which all life revolves. From the still point we watch everything come and go in perfect peace.

Everything that is, was, or ever will be has a common source from which it comes, in which it lives, and to which it returns.

Understanding this coming and going, we return to our source and our confusion ends. Not understanding this, we remain confused and bring about great suffering.

Living at the still point, we are open to all of life. Open to all of life, we don’t judge anything. Not judging, we see with compassion. Seeing with compassion, we discover our true nature. Discovering our true nature, we are at home and nothing in life disturbs us.”

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 28 Jul 08)

2008-10-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

A Man For All Seasons

Dr Randy Pausch, the 47 year-old terminally-ill Carnegie Mellon professor who gave the famous ‘Last Lecture’ that became a worldwide internet hit, died last Friday. True to form, he continued to uplift and educate people as much in dying as he did in life, so his last lecture goes way beyond the usual platitudes and offers up some truly inspirational truths. Focusing on how he’d lived his childhood dreams – and setting aside the given importance of family and friends – his speech wanders lightheartedly through the lessons learned throughout his extraordinary career and the wisdom he was gifted with by others.

To set the scene, he reminds us “I was born in 1960. When you are 8 or 9 years old and you look at the TV set, men are landing on the moon, everything’s possible. And that’s something we should not lose sight of, is that the inspiration and the permission to dream is huge.”

Pausch’s childhood dream of playing in the National football dream was the one where “I probably got more from that dream and not accomplishing it than I got from any of the ones that I did accomplish”. Some of the real gems came from his early football coach, who showed up to teach without any footballs. When the kids asked how they could play without them, Pausch remembers his coach saying “Right, how many men are on a football field at a time? Eleven on a team, twenty-two. Coach Graham said, All right, and how many people are touching the football at any given time? One of them. And he said, Right, so we’re going to work on what those other twenty-one guys are doing. And that’s a really good story because it’s all about fundamentals … You’ve got to get the fundamentals down because otherwise the fancy stuff isn’t going to work.” Recalling how the coach rode him hard all practice one day, criticising everything he’d done, an assistant coach told him “That’s a good thing. He said, When you’re screwing up and nobody’s saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up. And that’s a lesson that stuck with me my whole life. Is that when you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore that’s a bad place to be. Your critics are your ones telling you they still love you and care.”

Another coach taught Pausch the power of enthusiasm – and of the element of surprise. “He did this one thing where only for one play at a time he would put people in at like the most horrifically wrong position for them … It was just laughable. But we only went in for one play, right? And boy, the other team just never knew what hit them. Because when you’re only doing it for one play and you’re just not where you’re supposed to be, and freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, boy are you going to clean somebody’s clock for that one play.”

One of Pausch’s favourite expressions is “experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted”. He describes football as “The first example of what I’m going to call a head fake, or indirect learning. We actually don’t want our kids to learn football. I mean, yeah, it’s really nice that I have a wonderful three-point stance and that I know how to do a chop block and all this kind of stuff. But we send our kids out to learn much more important things. Teamwork, sportsmanship, perseverance, etcetera, etcetera. And these kinds of head fake learning are absolutely important. And you should keep your eye out for them because they’re everywhere.”

Talking about tenacity in the face of rejection – recalling the numerous refusal letters from Walt Disney Imagineering, his dream job – he counsels “But remember, the brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.”

Perhaps one of the most curious little pieces of wisdom came from John Snoddy, a colleague of his at Imagineering – yes, Pausch did finally manage to make that happen after all the rejection – who advised “Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you. He said, When you’re pissed off at somebody and you’re angry at them, you just haven’t given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they’ll almost always impress you.”

Back at Carnegie Mellon, Pausch created a course called Building Virtual Worlds, which was open to all departments in the university. “And the kids said What content do we make? I said, Hell, I don’t know. You make whatever you want. Two rules: no shooting violence and no pornography. Not because I’m opposed to those in particular, but you know, that’s been done with VR, right. And you’d be amazed how many 19 year-old boys are completely out of ideas when you take those off the table.

“Anyway, so I taught the course. The first assignment, I gave it to them, they came back in two weeks and they just blew me away. I mean the work was so beyond, literally, my imagination … I had no idea what to do next. So I called up my mentor, Andy van Dam, and I said, I just gave a two-week assignment, and they came back and did stuff that if I had given them a whole semester, I would have given them all As. Sensei, what do I do? And Andy thought for a minute and he said, You go back into class tomorrow and you look them in the eye and you say ‘Guys, that was pretty good, but I know you can do better’. And that was exactly the right advice. Because what he said was, you obviously don’t know where the bar should be and you’re only going to do them a disservice by putting it anywhere.”

Along with the creativity came some classic education in social skills. One innovation was to include peer feedback so students would have a sense of how well they worked with others. “When you’re talking Building Virtual Worlds, every two weeks we get feedback. We put that all into a big spreadsheet and at the end of the semester, you had three teammates per project, five projects, 15 data points so that’s statistically valid. And you get a bar chart telling you on a ranking how easy you are to work with, where you stacked up against your peers. Boy, that’s hard feedback to ignore. Some still managed. But for the most part, people looked at that and went, Wow, I’ve got to take it up a notch. I better start thinking about what I’m saying to people in these meetings. And that is the best gift an educator can give, is to get somebody to become self-reflective.”

The university president urged Pausch to talk about the importance of having fun in his speech, because that was what he remembered him for, but Pausch said “I can do that, but it’s a kind of like a fish talking about the importance of water. I mean I don’t know how not to have fun. I’m dying and I’m having fun. And I’m going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there’s no other way to play it. So my next piece of advice is you just have to decide if you’re a Tigger or an Eeyore … Never lose the childlike wonder. It’s just too important. It’s what drives us.”

Finally, Pausch leaves us with one for the ladies, describing how his friend Syl “gave the best piece of advice, pound-for-pound that I have ever heard. And I think all young ladies should hear this. Syl said, It took me a long time but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do. It’s that simple. It’s that easy. And I thought back to my bachelor days and I said damn.”

This week, you could pick any of those little pieces of wisdom and start living it in your life. Recapture your childlike wonder. Chase a lifelong dream. Remember the walls aren’t there to keep you out if you want it enough. Pay attention to how you deal with people. Set the bar high. Wait long enough for someone to surprise you. Life is a total head fake – pay attention to what you’re really learning. And if you’re dating, you’ve just heard the most fabulous piece of advice you will ever get!

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 21 Jul 08)

2008-10-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

Judgement Day
Not quite sure where this is going this week, so bear with me while I investigate a few wandering thoughts …

For some reason, the issue of discernment v judgement has been on my mind. It’s an issue that crops up quite often as you tread a path of greater awareness, when you realise you need to drop the judgements you’ve held around people, beliefs or activities that don’t fit with your particular mindset. Compassion and judgement can’t co-exist, but open-heartedness and discernment do. It’s often a tricky call to tread the line between judgement and discernment – and to know when one might be masquerading as the other – so here’s my rough rule of thumb on that one. If you’re holding something or someone in your mind as ‘wrong’, that’s judgement. If you simply know that’s not the right choice for you, that’s discernment. The difference lies in the view you hold.

You can pick between two cupcakes with different coloured icing without making one bad for not being your particular preference, so you can just as easily choose to interact (or not) with someone or something that’s not your cup of tea, without judging them as wrong. One real pitfall on the path of more conscious awareness is that we can become so afraid of making judgements that we forget to be discerning. We think we have to be accepting of everything and everyone all the time, yet we forget that it’s not meant to be at our own expense. While we might recognise others’ freedom to pursue their own paths, that doesn’t oblige us to walk down those roads if they’re not personally right for us. Our discernment allows us to release others to their own choices without making them wrong for doing so.

Bottom line, judgement is just a control issue in another guise. When we don’t feel secure, we attack what we perceive is threatening us – anything different to our own value system – and judge it harshly. We think it makes us safe, but it only makes us more defended, insecure and wary of life. Dropping judgement is one of the first steps in loosening up, in allowing life to unfold itself for you, rather than gripping tightly to how you think it needs to be. We all know how frustrating it is to be around someone with control issues, who will never let you think or choose for yourself. It feels uncomfortable because it’s a restrictive, untrusting energy – a kind of mental concrete in which nothing can ever flower. No real creativity, intimacy or depth of connection can grow in that kind of environment.

When you can’t allow people to be who they are, you can’t sit with them and genuinely share their joy or help to alleviate their pain. Compassion springs from an empathy with others, a heartfelt sharing of common ground and a willingness to step out of your own concerns long enough to be witness to someone else’s. If you’re not judging the one you’re sitting down with, you can be as open to joy as much as pain and find beauty and wisdom in them both.

Jack Kornfield describes exactly this, watching his meditation master at work in a Thai monastery, “At one moment Ajahn Chah would be gently holding the head of a man whose young son had just died, at another laughing with a disillusioned shopkeeper at the arrogance of humanity. In the morning he might be teaching ethics to a semi-corrupt government official, in the afternoon offering a meditation on the nature of undying consciousness to a devout old nun. Even among these total strangers, there was a remarkable atmosphere of safety and trust. All were held by the compassion of the master and the teachings that guided us together in the human journey of birth and death, joy and sorrow. We sat together as one human family.”

Of course, the human family includes you, and one of the places where we hold the severest judgements is about ourselves. If we treated everyone else as judgementally as we do to ourselves with our critical inner dialogue, we’d have no friends at all! This week, try befriending yourself. If you have a habit of judging your body, your achievements, where you are in life, whatever – give it a rest. If you find yourself being critical, try to make it a dispassionate observation, rather than a full savaging. Accept where you are right now and stop trying to make it wrong. You can be discerning about making new choices to bring you what you want without attacking yourself.

Share the love with the people around you. Stop trying to control them and cut back on the judgement. Accept that their path may involve very different choices than yours. Those differences might even bring you a few benefits by pulling you into a different sphere of experience and waking you up to a new way of being.

Finally, be discerning enough to know when something’s not right for you. It’s OK to make a different choice than others around you. What works for them may not be best for you. Don’t hang in there where you’re uncomfortable just because you’re trying to be accepting. Real acceptance allows everyone – including you – to follow their own calling without being judged for it.

2008-10-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

Beyond Beauty

There’s nothing I love more than a good spa. Not any old spa, I hasten to add. Uber-luxury spas with a clinical vibe leave me cold. To be truly fabulous, spas need to be both beautiful and peaceful, offering treatments with a holistic basis and creating a genuine sense of a healing space. That doesn’t mean they can’t be luxury – they just shouldn’t feel cold or medical. Spa-time is an opportunity for deep renewal, so if the environment doesn’t spell ‘relaxation’ to you, you’ve already lost half the benefit before you even start.

I’m reminded of the healing power of spas because I’m engrossed in a beautiful new book by my friend, Tara Herron, who has just written The Definitive Spa & Body Therapist’s Handbook. Although it’s oriented towards spa therapists, there’s plenty of juice in it for the rest of us. She reminds us that beauty is a bigger conversation than how you look, noting “Being seen as beautiful now stems from a deeper understanding of how being healthy and happy are visible factors in the overall vision of how we appear to ourselves. As our inner perceptions change, so does our outer vision … holistic beauty treatments are now actual rituals that embrace the principles of our psycho-physiology, the relationship between our mind and body, to reveal a deeper sense of beauty that comes from within, shining out from an inner peace of mind and a deeply relaxed, comfortable body”.

It’s a shame that the word ‘holistic’ seems to have been degraded by its association with wacky, new-agey practices. In essence it’s actually a much more powerful – and far more mainstream – concept of balance, where each aspect of life is given its appropriate due and none is sacrificed at the expense of the other.

In teaching therapists to create a healing environment – for themselves as well as the client – Tara focuses on five main principles, which we can equally integrate into our daily lives to help keep our own energy in balance. Those keys are your body, your breathing, your mind, your spirit and your space. Let’s take a walk through those, one by one, and see how you might use them to keep your personal energy vibrant, no matter what life throws at you.

Your Body – Whether your work is physical or more sedentary, keeping your body in balance helps you to stay focused, relieve stress and feel energetic. Tara’s book has some great yoga/stretching exercises that can easily be integrated into your working day, as well as stressing the importance of staying hydrated, deep relaxation techniques and bathing before bedtime to help your body purify itself from the energy of the day. Those of us who spend a lot of time working indoors have a particular need to integrate movement and body care into our day-to-day lives, to release tension and stay flexible. Making sure you have a daily stretching practice helps to keep you in tune and is more effective than a sudden burst of activity at the health club every new and then.

Your Breath – This is an interesting one, considering that we generally pay very little attention to how we breathe, yet working with the breath can be a powerful tool in managing our emotions and keeping us calm. As Tara says, “Notice how nervous, angry or anxious thoughts will speed up your breathing, whereas relaxed, pleasant or peaceful thoughts will slow your breathing down. This potent relationship between your thoughts, emotions and breath patterns is also true in reverse. When you purposefully deepen and slow your breathing down, your thoughts and feelings will begin to calm and relax. Your breath is at the pivot of your body-mind relationship”. Try Tara’s Essential Stress Release Breath by placing one hand on your abdomen and the other on your heart. As you breathe in deeply to your stomach, notice how your hand there rises. Hold that breath for the count of four. Then purse your lips and release the breath in very short puffs. Pause on empty for three counts. Repeat the cycle three to six times.

Your Mind – We all know how powerful the mind is, to both heal and to harm. Maintaining a positive focus isn’t just essential for creating the right attitude to attract opportunities in life, but also for maintaining optimum physical immunity. According to Tara, psycho-neuro-immunological research has shown that “on a psycho-physiological level, positive thoughts can and do alter our chemistry. This happens through the calming quality of positive thinking that sends relaxed signals to the hypothalamus at the brain’s stem. These signals then relay down through the central nervous system, which in turn triggers the endocrine system to release hormones and neuro-chemicals directly into the bloodstream. This process boosts the immune system and creates the physiological feelings of well-being … evidence shows that negative, anxious or unhappy thoughts aggravate the nervous system, causing the endocrine system to manufacture acidic neuro-chemicals that have a stress-inducing effect.” So, it’s not a just bunch of hippie tree-hugging stuff after all – thinking positively can help to keep you well.

Your Spirit – Ah, my favourite subject. Without addressing the needs of the spirit, we’re always going to feel that something is missing. True fulfilment comes from being true to your whole self, including the spiritual dimension. A soulful life is a life of deep connection and meaning. Tara says “Soul can be understood as the deepest inner form of your being that journeys through this world at the heart of who you are. Your soul is pure consciousness, always whole, profoundly sensitive and constantly evolving … your soul retains the essence of who you really are, your true nature, no matter what, even though you may forget yourself and go astray.” Practices she recommends that return you to soul-awareness are acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness and loving kindness. You can develop a daily practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and focusing on each of these qualities. Acceptance can be self-acceptance, acceptance of circumstances or acceptance of another person. Gratitude can be practiced for what you already have, as well as what you are welcoming into your life. Forgiveness can be offered to yourself as well as others, as can the blessing of loving kindness or compassion.

Your Space – Managing your space helps to manage your attitude, your creativity and your health. When you pay attention to creating an uplifting environment or even simply have something in your office that reminds you to breathe deeply or slow down, you open up to new possibilities, as well as reminding yourself that you’re in charge of your environment and your thoughts. I kept a fat, happy Buddha statue on my desk when I was at my workaholic worst to train myself to slow down and not take it all too seriously. Just having a visual reminder like that can be a really powerful tool to remind you to stay aware. Pay attention to what’s in your environment and how you feel about it. If it’s not something you love or doesn’t uplift you, get rid of it. The objects we encounter every day set up repetitive thought patterns. If you think “I hate that thing” every time you walk into a room or feel mildly depressed when you see something that needs fixing, that’s altering the quality of your thoughts and having a negative impact on your health. Spaces that are welcoming and in alignment with our personal nature make us feel more in tune with ourselves. Give yourself the gift of beautiful personal space and feel the benefits.

This week, you know what to do – take a look at the five keys and see where you can make some personal adjustments. If you’d like more info on Tara’s work and her range of skincare and body products, check out http://www.yogicsolutions.com/.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to http://www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com/ and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to http://www.fabcentral.blogspot.com/. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 7 Jul 08)

2008-10-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

Got Any R & B?

It’s not how I usually like to spend my Sunday mornings, particularly when it’s raining, but a friend convinced me it would be fun – and she needed a car. With a 6am start involved, the jollity factor would have to be seriously high as, by my reckoning, any time before 10am on weekends is classed as the middle of the night. That’s how I came to be standing in a soggy field at a car boot sale, flogging off my household clutter and marvelling at the curiosities of human behaviour.

While it was definitely therapeutic to thin out my hoard of books and to set a few handbags free, the idea of making the effort to sell them rather than just dropping them off as a job lot at the charity shop seemed too tedious to contemplate. Yet, as the rain-clouds cleared and all of human life wandered past our stall, it was a revelation – I actually began to enjoy myself. It must be that ‘spirit of the blitz’ British influence. Somehow standing dripping wet in a field, being swarmed by people who left their charm at the door when they put on their bargain-hunting faces, turned out to be a riot.

We learned a few things along the way too. At one point, feeling a bit bored and stir crazy, we started styling the clothes on the rail with accessories and sorting them in colour ranges, while doing our best Trinny and Susannah impressions. We – and some discerning customers – found it quite entertaining, but your average punter was deterred entirely by the professional merchandising. There was barely a flicker of interest after that. Rule one of the car-boot is clearly that presentation is everything, ie if it looks like a dog’s dinner, it must be cheap.

My absolute favourite moment, though, came courtesy of our musically-inclined customers. My friend had a small basket of CDs for sale and, while she was off foraging for the necessary market stall cup of tea strong enough, as my grandfather would say, to trot a mouse on – one customer couldn’t even be bothered looking at them before asking ‘Got any R&B?’. I pointed out a couple of items, but my suggestions were met with disdain, as apparently she preferred the slower stuff. Curious behaviour, I thought, until someone else showed up half an hour later demanding to know if we had any Beatles. Did they think we were running Tower Records out of the back of the Merc? I was half tempted to say that she’d find them just behind the World Music section in the second aisle.

However, my complete admiration goes to the prankster who happened to be browsing when this exchange took place. He had a giggle with us about it and wandered off. An hour or so later, he re-appeared at the stall and, with perfect timing and a gloriously deadpan expression, uttered the immortal words, ‘Got any R&B?’. The man’s a comic genius.

This week make an effort to do something completely and utterly different – something that you’ve never previously considered. Take a chance. You might even like it. There’s a real sense of invigoration and renewal that comes from shaking up your routine. It gets you out of your rut and helps you think differently. Even if it involves a little hardship – like an early morning call and exposure to the elements – give it a try. You never know who you might meet or where it might lead. Amid the laughs, unexpectedly, there were also some interesting metaphysical conversations, by virtue of the types of books on sale, as people could see what I was interested in and wanted to chat.

Clear some clutter too. It’s very liberating – and a real eye-opener. I was mortified to see how much of my stuff had hardly been worn, if ever. As a card-carrying pack-rat, it doesn’t come naturally to let it go, but it does feel a lot better to know that someone else is making good use of things that were just junking up my house. Now I’m on a mission to get rid of the rest. Anyone for a car-boot? Bring your R&B CD’s – we could do business!

Speaking of giving things a new twist, here’s a treat for you in the shape of my friend Harriet Roberts’ new music video. It’s a fabulous new version of the classic 80’s Don Henley track, Boys Of Summer. I love it when someone takes a well-known melody, changes the tempo and creates something just as outstanding as the original. When you hear it, you’ll think it was always meant to sound like this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQ4DqitUSuY

2008-10-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

A Midsummer Night's Dreaming

So, Midsummer’s Day has come and gone, we’re already at the end of June and if you’re anything like me, you can’t quite grasp the concept that half the year has disappeared already. Traditionally, this would be a time for a bit of internal agonising over where all the time has gone and why haven’t we achieved what we set out to do in our New Year plans, but let’s buck with tradition, shall we? Let’s have a delicious summer full of happy daydreams of what we’re really going to bring to fruition in the rest of the year.

As a big fan of the Native American proverbial wisdom that it’s best to ride the horse in the direction that it’s going, I’m the first one to realise we need to face facts. Even if you aren’t too impressed with what you’ve managed to get up to so far this year, you’re highly unlikely to do anything much about it in the summer months. If you live in England, take that as gospel, because you won’t have even seen daylight for half the year. Now is the time to have some fun, reap the benefits of what you’ve been up to in the winter and spring, and give yourself some well-needed downtime before another big push in the autumn.

We really need to respect the cycles in our lives if we want to be happy and productive. Just recently I heard about studies by social scientists on work and productivity cycles. It should come as no surprise to learn that our efficiency vs stress curve is an almost perfect arc, ie little stress – no motivator – and we have low efficiency; moderate stress and we have high efficiency; then with excessive stress we’re back down to low efficiency again – distracted, irritable and lacking in concentration.

Equally, other studies have shown that our natural and most efficient productivity cycles are not constant, so the plodding approach of trying to keep up a steady level of output are counter-productive. Natural cycles of productivity rise and fall in clear periods of inspiration – where little appears to be done in the outside, but where the creative/intuitive/strategic skills are at work – followed by highly-efficient periods of externally-focused activity, where the creative work now comes to fruition. When we follow these natural rhythms, we become significantly more productive overall. Food for thought for manic bosses everywhere …

So, writ on a larger scale, summer is that time of the year when we appear to rest, but what we are doing is refreshing ourselves for the next cycle of activity, so that we can come to it anew with more inspiration, strategy and enthusiasm. Armed with that knowledge, hopefully any card-carrying workaholics who may be reading can give up their guilt about taking a break and learn to value the power of down-time.

When you do get the chance to enjoy some lazy days in summer, use this technique from Sandra Anne Taylor, author of Secrets of Success, to turbo-charge your daydreams for the next cycle of activity. She suggests getting into a positive frame of mind by deeply appreciating what you have already achieved or simply what you love most in your life – visualising it very clearly along with the feeling of pleasure that brings – and then imagining whatever you desire or have planned becoming a great success and really feeling into what that would bring you, just as intensely has you have for the things you already have in your life. As you focus on how great that would feel, you’re intensifying your own beliefs about how successful you can be and improving your confidence at the same time.

This week, if you’re still in the office and stressed to the max, remember to give yourself a break – no matter how short – particularly when you think you’re too busy to do so. Even a five-minute walk around the block will change your frame of mind and help you to relax. If you can, put a troublesome project away until you’ve had a chance to sleep on it and return refreshed with new eyes.

If you’re in holiday mode already, use it wisely. Forget your troubles and focus on what you’re really grateful for in your life. Daydream big and really see those dreams becoming a possibility for you, helping you to set a solid foundation for success. Or have a cocktail - even daydreaming feels like work sometimes!

2008-10-31T10:17:00.000-07:00

Original Goodness

One of the great attractions of Buddhist thought is that it functions very much like a spiritually-effective form of psychology, helping us to heal our wounds through the practice of mindfulness to return to what the spiritual writer Jack Kornfield calls ‘our original goodness’. Although Buddhism arose in the East, its approach is incredibly helpful for the uniquely Western condition of self-loathing, the malaise that lies at the heart of a lack of self-confidence.

The Buddhist writer, Pema Chodron, has spoken of being with the Dalai Lama at a conference with Western Buddhist teachers, where a meditation teacher brought up the subject of self-hatred. As Chodron recalls, “The Dalai Lama didn’t know what she was talking about. So he went around the room and asked the other Western teachers about it, and every one of them agreed with her. Self-hatred was something the Dalai Lama didn’t understand. The first noble truth of the Buddha is that people experience dukka, a feeling of dissatisfaction or suffering, a feeling that something is wrong. We feel this dissatisfaction because we’re not in tune with our true nature, our goodness. And we aren’t going to be fundamentally spiritually content until we get in tune … only in the West is this dissatisfaction articulated as ‘something is wrong with me’. It seems that thinking of oneself as flawed is more a Western phenomenon than a universal one.”

There’s comfort to be found in those words. If self-loathing is uniquely Western, it’s not part of who we are at heart, but simply a form of cultural conditioning. That makes it about as valid psychologically as a cultural preference for tea over coffee – just because it’s habitual doesn’t make it important. Part of the release from self-destructive habits comes in the form of recognition and detachment, by realising that they actually mean nothing about you. You may have a long-held story about your unworthiness or your unlikeability that you keep running in your head, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily true. Knowing that self-loathing isn’t a universal disease is a helpful step in uprooting the belief that it’s normal to treat yourself that way.

Another step in releasing those kinds of demons is to face them. We spend our whole lives running away from what we fear and trying to do the opposite to convince ourselves that we’re OK. If we’re afraid that we’re bad, we try so hard to be good that we overdose on people-pleasing and have trouble setting boundaries. If we’re convinced that we’re weak, we’ll knock ourselves out trying to seem strong, putting up defences in all our relationships, afraid of the vulnerability of allowing others to see us as we are, lest they see our fragility. Those coping mechanisms just make the problem worse, however, as they reinforce the need for a false persona because we believe our true nature to be flawed. To shake free of these chains, we must face what we most fear – our own pain and self-loathing.

Describing her own experience of feeling deeply into an ancient pain, Chodron says “There was a recognition that I needed to relax into the pain. Until then I had avoided going to this place where I felt bad or unacceptable or unloved. No language could express how awful that place felt. But I just started breathing into it … but as I relaxed into that feeling, it passed through me. And I didn’t die. It passed right through. That was a big moment for me. I realised that resistance to the idea that I was unlovable only made the pain worse … I realised what a source of happiness turning towards pain actually is. Our avoidance of pain keeps us locked in a cycle of suffering.”

We’ll be held in the grip of a nightmare unless we remember that we’re dreaming. Any story you tell yourself about not being good enough is just a story, and an old one at that. When you can really face your fears about how bad you think you might be, on the other side lies the truth of your original goodness.

There’s plenty of evidence for the beauty of our original nature. The Tibetan Book Of The Dead instructs us to remember “O nobly born, O you of glorious origins, remember your radiant true nature, the essence of mind. Trust it. Return to it. It is home.” Recalling a mystical experience where he was shown the truth about humanity, the Trappist monk Thomas Merton wrote “Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, no more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed … I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other.”

This week, live as if you remember your original goodness. Know that wherever you’re habitually attacking yourself, you’re telling yourself a lie. When you have some quiet time, step into the lie more fully. Really feel all the dreadful things you believe about yourself deep down. Feel them as deeply as you can until you pop right through to the other side. Release yourself from the bondage of an old, outdated story that never was true in the first place. When you’re no longer afraid of what you might find, you can embrace exactly who you are with love and compassion, with no need for defences. When you have nothing to defend, the paradox is that you’ll become incredibly strong, with an unshakeable depth of self-acceptance and confidence. How else could you be if you knew the fabulous truth about yourself?

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 16 Jun 08)

2008-10-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

Summer In The City

I have a new addiction. It involves a pretentious private school girl on a student exchange, a sulky Tongan schoolboy and the campest drama teacher this side of San Francisco – all played by the same comic genius, Chris Lilley, in the Aussie mockumentary, Summer Heights High, now showing on BBC3 and HBO in the US. It’s hard to know which character to love or loathe more.

Ja’mie (pronounced Jah-may) is hideously bitchy and without an ounce of self-awareness, as she gaily patronises all the state school students around her. Jonah is the classic under-achieving, sulky teenage boy and Mr G is deeply frustrated at being a ‘theatre professional’ in a high school teacher’s job. Which is of course particularly difficult for him, given his track record in writing and producing stage productions, including such gems as Ikea The Musical and Tsunamarama, based on the Boxing Day Tsunami tragedy, set to the music of Bananarama.

Although it’s hilarious, Summer Heights High can be as uncomfortable to watch as The Office, with performances that will make you cringe with recognition as the characters play out their personal dramas and power struggles. If you want to know exactly how not to behave, these are life lessons writ large. Possibly that’s why Perez Hilton called it ‘one of our favourite shows on the planet’.

For something a little more palatable on the life lesson front, there’s always Sex & The City, now lighting up the silver screen, and the subject of commentary around the world. At Beliefnet.com, there’s even an article on 15 Love Lessons from the TV show, by Valerie Reiss. As a firm believer in finding wisdom anywhere, here are a few of the highlights for you to enjoy. To read the whole piece go to http://www.beliefnet.com/gallery/15lovelessonsfromsexandthecity.html.

“Fate Is Not Always Fate – It’s so tempting to interpret the tea-leaves of love, to decide that fate is (finally) working in our favour. When Trey saved Charlotte from being mowed down by a speeding taxi, she decided it was fate. Not just that he was a nice guy who saved her life, but that he must be the guy to live out her ‘marry tale’ with. Turns out, not so much, and I think after that divorce, Char developed a very different notion of fate, ie we don’t know how the universe works and just because it seems like synchronicity, it doesn’t mean you have to marry the dude. A lesson better remembered than re-experienced.

“Be Vulnerable – More than anyone else on the show, Samantha and her mien of steel taught us that true strength is in opening and trust. She started to get this from her girl-flame Maria (‘I’ve got monogamy, I think I caught it from you people.’) but mostly from her hot-hot boyfriend, Smith Jerrod. First he forced on her his ‘perverse’ desire to hold hands and then, most touchingly, shaved off his golden locks when she lost hers to chemo. We all have an inner Samantha – the part that feigns bravado in the face of pain and trusts no-one. Watching her set down her insecurity-as-sword reminded all us tough girls to do the same.

“Don’t Mistake Scraps For Jewels – ‘It was the singlemost encouraging moment in our relationship.’ Was Carrie talking about Big sharing his heart with her? Giving her a thoughtful present? Nope. She said this when he gave her the ‘only’ extra pink toothbrush head one night. Sure, it was the only baby step toward accepting her into his life that he was capable of. But all of us need to love ourselves enough not to mistake glitter for diamonds, scraps for a meal – exactly what that toothbrush head was.

“Love Beyond Yourself – Though ever-cynical Miranda adored her baby, she was not instantly maternal, referring to him as ‘meatloaf’ at one point. But she eventually warms to motherhood. And later on, she grows her heart an extra size when she cares for her mother-in-law with dementia, gently bathing her in one especially heart-breaking scene. The girls – and all of us – are at their best when they give and extend themselves to others.

“Always Come Home To Yourself – When Carrie is off with the Russian in Paris, (wearing that amazing tulle dress that goes on forever), she loses her signature nameplate necklace. A heavy-handed metaphor? Maybe. A key lesson in all relationships? Yes. It’s so easy for women especially to lose their identity in romantic relationships – we tend to merge with our lovers, sometimes dropping our own ‘names’ in the process. Ms Bradshaw does find her necklace, and any good shrink (or scriptwriter) would say it’s important to note that it was with her all along, fallen into the lining of a Dior purse. The series ends with these words from Carrie, after she has gone back home to New York, to herself, her friends and her Big love: ‘the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that’s just fabulous.”

This week, take a look at what you might have learned from your favourite shows or movies. What kind of values do they embody? What do they tell you about how you’d like your life to be? Which ones inspire you to follow your own vision? Which ones show you exactly what not to do? If you had to pick a single line to encompass your philosophy, what would it be? Draw some inspiration from the screen – big or small – and let life imitate art in the most fabulous way.

2008-10-31T10:08:00.000-07:00

Just Who Will You Be?

I believe it was Socrates who said “the unexamined life is not worth living”, sometime before knocking back a hefty dose of hemlock. That is rather incidental to the point, but a helpful detail nonetheless. The man was so principled, he’d rather put himself to death than go against his own ethics. Rather old-school, really. So we’ll have to take his word for it that a bit of self-examination is worth the effort.

One woman who’s found herself getting into a bit of Socratic method in mid-life is Maria Shriver, television news reporter, card-carrying Kennedy clan member and wife of the Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger. That’s a rather heavyweight CV she’s dragging about, yet in a recent interview with Oprah – also no slouch in the over-achieving department – she admits to having found little satisfaction in her intensive schedule. She said “I made the mistake of thinking that external accomplishments would bring me peace. I thought it was about the job or a book or making a name for myself. So many people would come up to me and say, ‘Which Kennedy are you?’. At a very young age, I thought, You’re going to know which one I am. I decided that I was going to be the Kennedy who makes her own name and finds her own job and works like a dog. My comeuppance was when Arnold got elected – I became the Kennedy who was married to the Governor.”

Of course, that kind of driven busyness doesn’t just spring up out of nowhere, unbidden. Describing her early family life, Shriver says “It’s competitive when you walk in the door. It’s competitive at the table. It’s competitive on the playing field. It’s competitive in a boat. Even my mother is very competitive at everything – from checkers to Ping-Pong to sailing to politics … My parents’ vacations were working vacations. We visited Special Olympics events, Peace Corps volunteers, prime ministers and priests. They’d be trying to solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict on Christmas.”

That drive to constantly achieve knew no bounds, as a telling interchange with Shriver’s father after she’d written her second book clearly highlights. “He said, ‘What are you doing with yourself?’ I said ‘I just wrote a book.’ ‘But you did the book already’, he said. ‘That’s over. You need to do a new thing.’”

Whoah, scary! While all that workaholism doubtless created a lot of positive change for many people, it also negated any possibility of self-enquiry. Without self-examination, we’ll never really know if we’re doing what we do because we want to do it or simply because that’s what we think we should be doing. Shriver’s hard-won ability to accept herself and find true fulfilment at a slower, more authentic pace is valuable wisdom to follow, all the more because she’s had all that money, fame and accomplishment can offer and still came up empty.

She says now, “I’m trying to live my life from my heart, being authentic to who I am. I’m trying to feel my way to my truth. I do things now that feel real to me … A friend once told me ‘As long as you keep playing the game of trying to be the right Maria for everyone, you’re never going to deliver the real Maria. You don’t even know who the real Maria is.’ She was right. So I took a long, hard look at myself and began to strip away a lot of the stuff that kept me running. The most terrifying thing of all for me was to just sit with myself. I didn’t know how to be alone. When you grow up in a huge family, you’re never alone.”

Out of that stopping still, of taking time to learn who she was and what she wanted, she’s learned that it’s not what you do that counts – it’s who you are. Discussing this in the interview, Shriver notes “We’re all worthy – not because we’ve accomplished something or because we’re part of a famous family. You’re worthy if you don’t make the team, if you get Ds and Fs, if you don’t get into the best college. That belief is the greatest gift any parent can give his or her child. You and I don’t have to do an interview or talk about a project or save the world. We can just sit with each other and with ourselves. For me that was a revelation. An awakening.”

Now that’s an awakening we could all do with. As Maya Angelou once said to Oprah, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” Time for some self-examination – if you believed those statements to be true, what would you stop doing? What activities, jobs, people or places are in your life because you think they should be? Do you have ‘second book syndrome’ – thinking nothing is ever good enough unless it’s a new experience? Do you even know why you’ve chosen the path that you have? When was the last time you just sat still and let it be OK to do nothing? How has the family dynamic you grew up with become a part of your life now? Are you living the way you do because that’s what your family did? How much real choice have you made in your life? How much does your life reflect the real you?

Juicy questions for you to ponder this week. Take your time with them, roll them around in your mouth and see what they taste like – the bitter pill of truth or a sweet revelation? If you need a little more inspiration, try Maria Shriver’s latest book, Just Who Will You Be?, to kick-start you into your authentic self-exploration.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 2 Jun 08)

2008-10-31T10:06:00.000-07:00

The Allure Of Luxury

At a rather fabulous riverside party this weekend, I fell into conversation with a former luxury goods brand manager and ended up debating the issue of brand integrity. It’s fascinating to look at how brands in the luxury market tread the very fine line of mass marketing without debasing the brand – and even more fascinating to look at the ones that don’t manage to maintain that delicate balance. Luxury goods companies are in the business of creating allure and desirability, so once they spread themselves too thin, they begin to implode by destroying that very cachet that sells the products in the first place. It’s an integrity issue at heart – if you don’t adhere to your own core values, you’ll ultimately end up destroying yourself. That goes as much for people as for businesses.

We talked about one company in particular that had risen like a phoenix from the ashes of its stuffy, old-fashioned reputation to enjoy a shining moment of Cool Britannia before becoming its own antithesis as the knockoff brand of choice for Chav culture. As my fellow party-goer pointed out, that occurred not as one of the inevitable vagaries of the fashion world, but because the brand themselves had opened the door to their own undoing, by introducing low-rent products which were then easily copied. Had they kept to their core values, the misfortune of becoming a market-stall stable probably wouldn’t have befallen them.

In essence, personal confidence is just like good luxury brand management. You want to create a certain kind of allure that marks you out as unique and valuable. To do that, you need to have a clear set of values that you adhere to, so that you know when you’re stepping out of integrity with yourself. You want to build a discerning clientele who appreciate your worth and your exclusivity. You can go all out for mass market appeal, but it’s ultimately unachievable – given that you can’t please everybody – and is probably likely to cause you to spread yourself too thin. Great brands have a clearly defined identity and, when managed well, can expand without ever losing that core sense of self.

This approach, of viewing yourself as a brand, can help you to give you the sense of detachment you need to take a dispassionate view of your life. Sometimes we’re too caught up in the minutiae of day-to-day life to keep track of where we’re headed in the long term, so it’s helpful to take a little time out to pay attention to what’s really important.

A good brand knows what it stands for and can encapsulate that in a few words. If you had to name your deepest core values, could you do that easily? If not, take a few minutes to write down at least three for each major area of your life, for example career, friendships, family. Then take a look at how well your work or relationships fit with the values you hold most dear. Are you out of integrity with who you want to be? If you are, what changes do you need to make?

In terms of confidence, if you were a luxury brand, what kind of qualities would you consider that you embody? What innate talents or qualities draw people to you? When you’re clear on what you have to offer, it’s easier to define your strengths and play to them. It’s also easier to spot what’s a good fit for you – and more crucially, what’s not. Honouring your own worth and staying in integrity with your own values is what teaches people what esteem to hold you in and how to treat you. If you’re not clear about who you are and what is acceptable to you, you open the door to destructive outer forces.

This week, think of yourself as a luxury brand and only make choices that support your core values and honour your worth – that goes as much for the work you do as the people you invite into your life. Take a fresh look at how well you’re expressing the truth of who you are and what you want to create for yourself. Luxury brands are prized because those who sell them believe in their intrinsic value and are comfortable persuading others of that. Do a little marketing magic on yourself – embrace your inner allure and don’t be shy about being your fabulous self.

2008-10-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

This Is Spinal Tap

I have just discovered quite how uninteresting ceilings can be, courtesy of a lumbar puncture this week. If you don’t know what it is, I’d say you’re probably better off not knowing. Let’s just say it’s a deeply uncomfortable medical procedure that requires you to lay flat for hours afterwards, allegedly to avoid the onset of a post-LP headache. I say ‘allegedly’ advisedly, given that I’ve been flat on my back for days now because every time I get up I get another headache and every time I lie down it goes away. Try writing without lifting your head – it’s a skill! I have a new admiration for those who are bed-ridden for years. It’s only been a few days and I’m already stir crazy.

Given that the procedure itself is not the most fun you can have with your clothes on, I’d been dreading it for some time. Luckily, though, I was accompanied by my very good friends Liberté and Egalité (names changed to protect the not-so-innocent) who managed to turn a particularly horrid hospital visit into quite a magical mystery tour – no mean feat! There is nothing more entertaining than being regaled with the finer details of other people’s dating exploits, right down to the good, the bad and the ugly. I’d have laughed more if it didn’t hurt so much to do it. A huge thank you to both of them for making that the most fun I’ve ever had – and possibly ever expect to have – in a hospital gown.

Perhaps even more comical was leaving the hospital with no real after-care instructions and perhaps even more tragically no decent drugs. If someone is going to dig a rather large needle into your spine and tap you for a bit of spinal fluid, the very least they can do is provide adequate pain-control for the after-effects. Honestly, some people have no idea of basic courtesy! I’m all for alternatives until it comes down to serious pain. Then I’m the first person with my hand in the medicine jar. I make no apologies for that. C’est la vie.

I always figure that what you need to look most is whatever’s right in front of your face. In this instance, being made immobile gave me an opportunity for a bit of a rethink about the way my life is headed, particularly my work. I’m brewing up a few new ideas, courtesy of this enforced rest. It’s always better not to fight these things, but to take advantage of what they have to offer. If you’re stuck indoors with only a blank ceiling to stare at, then that’s what you have to make the best of – fighting it, feeling miserable about it or wishing you were elsewhere is just a waste of energy.

What’s staring you in the face this week? What’s the wall you just can’t get around, whether you like it or not? Can you just accept it and use the opportunity to think differently? Can you take a stumbling block and see what advantages might be hidden within it? What if you let go of the struggle and just let it be OK? What might a recurring issue be trying to tell you? Is there a pattern you’ve not noticed before? Take a few moments to stop and check that the direction you’re headed is actually one you want to go in.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 19 May 08)

2008-10-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

Truth, Simplicity, Love

Birthdays can be a bitch. I have to say I was borderline dreading this one, but it was filled with so many fabulous surprises that it took my breath away. A friend unexpectedly sent a fragrant bouquet, another turned gift-wrapping into an art form and recorded a fabulous birthday song, others gave that most perfect of presents – vouchers for spa treatments – and we all enjoyed the extremely generous gift of cocktails and dinner from the owner of my favourite new restaurant, Rock & Rose. Feeling like one very lucky girl, I returned home to find yet another treat lying on the mat. It was a card from another friend filled with the kind of gift that keeps on giving – pure inspiration.

At some point on the spiritual path you’re bound to run across Autobiography Of A Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, who brought kriya yoga to the West. In it he writes of his own spiritual journey and those who influenced him, including the Mahavatar Babaji. Babaji is considered to be a human manifestation of the Divine who can materialise a body at will. In his last incarnation from 1970-1984 he is credited with many miracles and healings, as well as having been seen in a number of locations at the same time. Whether or not you believe the stories surrounding him, he has brought forth a very simple and beautiful message – to live by the three principles of truth, simplicity and love, to repeat the mantra ‘om nama shivaya’ or ‘I bow to the Divinity within’ and to give selfless service to humanity.

In 1984, the year when he last appeared on earth, he spoke these words:

“Love and serve all humanity. Assist everyone. Be happy, be courteous. Be a dynamo of irrepressible joy. Recognise God and goodness in every face. There is no saint without a past and no sinner without a future. Praise everyone. If you cannot praise someone, let them out of your life. Be original, be inventive. Be courageous. Take courage again and again. Do not imitate; be strong, be upright. Do not lean on the crutches of others. Think with your own head. Be yourself. All perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you. Reveal them to the world. Wisdom, too, is already within you. Let it shine forth. Let the Lord’s grace set you free. Let your life be that of the rose; in silence, it speaks the language of fragrance.”

Of itself, that’s enough of a teaching to last a lifetime. In particular, the words “all perfection and every divine virtue are hidden within you; reveal them to the world” represent the core essence of I Am Fabulous – knowing that you are perfect as you are and that all you need do is let go of anything that stands in the way of that truth.

I love the mystical intrigue that surrounds Babaji. We’re all the better for having a bit of magic in our lives. As Einstein said, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” It’s pretty clear where I stand on that one.

This week, take from Babaji’s words what you need. Something in them will speak to you. Repeat a particular phrase to yourself over and over, like a mantra, to uplift and inspire you. Let his words do their magic.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 12 May 08)

2008-10-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dark Beauty

Enjoying the delicious pleasures of frappuccinos and cupcakes with a friend on a rare sunny London weekend, we got to talking about how some of life’s experiences strike you in ways you’d never have expected. Even the good ones can be tinged with sadness or loss, that – to me – doesn’t take away from their extraordinary beauty, but gives them a depth that you only come to respect when life has turned around and bitten you once or twice.

The ex-monk and psychotherapist, Thomas Moore, devotes an entire chapter of his book, Dark Nights Of The Soul, to what he calls dark beauty. He stresses the beauty to be found in darkness, stating “Beauty is to the soul what truth and fact are to the mnd. The beauty of a thing is its depth and meaning being revealed. To perceive that beauty, you need any eye for both appearances and the invisible radiance of a thing. You also need the capacity to be affected. But many people walk through life defended against all positive influences. They are not open to the invitations and messages coming at them every turn. They wonder why life feels empty and meaningless, when the problem is not the absence of meaning but their blindness and deafness to it.”

As much as we can learn to appreciate the beauty in darkness, we also need to be awake to the darkness that lies within beauty. All transitions in life, however positive, are processes of change, where we let go of one condition in order to allow another in. Any movement or commitment involves loss – by choosing one option, we are letting others go. By moving to the next stage, we are releasing what came before. Transitions imply mixed emotions, so to ignore the dark in favour of the light is to cut off from a part of ourselves that needs acknowledgement.

One of the most vivid illustrations of those kinds of mixed emotions came from a friend a few days after she’d given birth. Although delighted to have a healthy baby to hold, she talked about how she needed to adjust to considering this external creature as ‘her baby’, when for nine months it had been something inside her. It wasn’t a simple transition and it took a little while for her feelings to settle. When they did, I’m sure it was in a large part due to her willingness to be totally honest with herself and acknowledge those uncomfortable feelings in a time that is generally considered to be a wholly positive one. Sometimes you just have to give yourself the space to feel what is there, rather than what you think you should be feeling.

Other times, the beauty within a good relationship seems clouded by conflict, yet the conflict itself is leading you on to a greater depth of authenticity and intimacy. As the authors, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, reveal in Receiving Love, developing intimacy is merely a theoretical goal until you have a chance to practice it in a safe environment.

They say “Your goal must move from the cognitive level of ‘this is what I want to do’ to the level of connected knowing where you can say ‘this is what it feels like to have the experience of doing what I want to do … You won’t know that it’s OK to be your full self instead of an abbreviated, cleaned-up version unless your partner helps you feel good about expressing opinions that may be different from hers, and the two of you end your symbiotic relationship.

“Your rehabilitation takes place through her reinforcement of your new openness. You have to disagree with her about what she’s wearing, or what movie you’re going to see, or whether it’s a good idea for your son to enlist in the military – and live to tell the tale. Then you’ll ‘know’ that it’s safe to be yourself … It’s a breakthrough to realise that the purpose of a committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy.”

I love this quote for the fabulous truth that lies within it – happiness is not the same as surface perfection; it’s about learning to embrace all of our experiences as part of the journey, however acceptable or unacceptable we may believe them to be. With that level of equanimity, we can become truly happy.

This week, if things are tough, look for the beauty. What are you learning from the experience? How has it opened you up emotionally? Can you be content knowing that there’s an underlying meaning that’s not yet revealed itself? If it’s all looking good, but you have mixed feelings, simply acknowledge all your feelings, however appropriate you think they are. That will help you to let go and allow you to move on. Enjoy your week of both beauty and darkness – and learn to love them equally.

2008-10-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

Down Time

We live in crazy times. Most days I tend to ignore that fact, but then something bizarre rises up and slaps you about the head and shoulders until you finally have to accept that frenetic behaviour is now the norm. We don’t seem to be capable of simply sitting still for even a few minutes – read moments for some people – without desperately seeking some form of outside entertainment. A friend of mine, Robert Holden, calls this modern phenomenon the ‘manic society’.

When I first heard that term I could see that we all seem to be frantically busy and overwhelmed with emails and mobiles – busy, but not necessarily productive – yet there’s a whole other layer of mania developing that I’d not witnessed before. Culturally, we are developing into a society of people utterly incapable of simply being still. Let’s face it, who among us doesn’t start sending texts when we have a few idle moments at the restaurant table when our friends are all congregating outside for a quick nicotine hit? They might only be gone a couple of minutes, but we’re nervous of even a few moments alone with our thoughts.

While that might be what passes for normal behaviour these days, this week I saw something that quite alarmingly demonstrates just how deep this aversion to dealing with our own thoughts actually can be. On a routine trip to the doctor’s surgery, flipping idly through the traditional selection of ancient fashion magazines with curled edges and strategically missing pages, my reverie was disturbed by the unmistakeable sound of a computer booting up. Assuming that there was no way anyone would bring a laptop to a doctor’s surgery, I figured this had to be just another new kind of ringtone. This assumption appeared to be borne out by the sound of a woman droning away on a business call on her mobile, directly under the sign which politely requested all visitors to the surgery to turn their phones off.

Mildly annoyed at her lack of courtesy and bored by looking at out-of-date fashion pics, I decided to just sit quietly with my thoughts. A man sat down opposite me as I closed my eyes and, with the droning woman as a faint hum in the background, I managed to grab a few moments of peacefulness. Then came a sound that can only be described as what I imagine a gorilla would sound like if given free rein to pound away on a keyboard. I glanced up to see the man across from me bashing away at his laptop as if he were trying to beat it into submission. Blinking in disbelief, I looked to my right and there was the woman pecking away at the keyboard on her computer in a gingerly fashion, her typing facility somewhat impeded by her 2-inch nails. I was in the midst of duelling laptops – in stereo.

Now, if I lived in New York, that might be acceptable behaviour, but a doctor’s surgery in west London – are you kidding me? Since when have we been so alienated from our own inner world that we’ve become incapable of sitting in a room without a laptop for the few minutes it takes to wait for your doctor’s appointment? That really scares me way more than the mobile/text thing. Occupying yourself with a phone is opportunistic – you already have it, so it’s an easy distraction. Lugging a laptop into a surgery is a major statement that you feel you have to occupy every single available moment in order to feel worthy. Very, very scary.

So what would I rather they do? Quite frankly, pretty much nothing. Allow a few random thoughts in. Look around them. Muse on an idea they’re developing. Check out other people’s style. Maybe not even think at all. Yeah, I know that’s a tall order, because our manic minds love to be occupied, so here are a few suggestions to occupy you in the bank queue, while waiting for the bus or as an alternative to the vintage mags at the doc’s:

· Get a moment of peace by closing your eyes and simply focusing on your breath as it goes in and out over your upper lip. When your mind wanders, return it to that sensation of feeling the air go in and out. This is a simple relaxation/meditation technique to use when you need a quick burst of tranquillity.

· Go on what Esther Hicks and Abraham call a ‘Rampage of Appreciation’. Start listing what you appreciate about your life right now and what you’ve really enjoyed in the past. It’ll really perk up your energy, leaving you feeling happy with what you have.

· Pick a quality that you’d like to have more of in your life – for example peace, joy, love or creativity – and try to focus for a couple of minutes on what your life would be like if you had more of that. This helps to build mental focus and elevate your mood.

· For a confidence boost, do a quick success blast from the past. Think of as many times as you can where you’ve achieved something, got a job you really wanted, had a project well received or got together with the person of your dreams. Focusing on how you’ve done well improves your self-image and self-confidence.

This week, give yourself some down time. Stop trying to occupy every waking moment. Resist the temptation to send a text or an email rather than sit with your own thoughts. Muse a little. Turn off the iPod and find out what thoughts are lurking in your own mind. Look around you. See what inspiration you can draw from your surroundings. Smell the coffee. Breathe deeply. Be present in your own life.

2008-10-31T09:48:00.001-07:00

Telling Tales

Cultural references are fascinating. Just when I think we’re all sharing the same reference pool thanks to global communications, something rolls around to remind me that we all have our own stories. As you probably know, whenever I need a bit of downtime you’ll find me trawling through the star-studded frocky horrors on http://www.gofugyourself.com/, which occasionally includes the sartorial slips of male celebrities as well.

Today’s fug comes to us courtesy of the MTV Australia Awards, where Wyclef Jean appeared wearing some curious plastic headgear that the Fug Girls quite rightly slammed. Unfortunately they failed to realise that he was paying homage to the famous Australian bushranger, Ned Kelly, who wore homemade armour – thereby laying claim to an early Derelicte range a la Zoolander – to protect him in his chosen line of work. While Wyclef wasn’t exactly rocking bushranger chic, at least knowing the reference makes appearing in public like that vaguely understandable, rather than certain grounds for sectioning to the nearest mental health clinic.

Just having that cultural reference meant that a story lay behind what seemed like a straightforward fashion faux pas, imbuing it with meaning. OK it was still a bizarre outfit, but at least it had a story behind it! The point is that stories are embedded in our lives and they will resurface when we least expect them. We are the sum of all the stories we have absorbed and believed to be true.

Through story we share experience, learn new skills, express emotion and connect with others. Christine Baldwin, author of Storycatcher, reminds us that “It is only in the past 50 years, and only in industrialised countries, that we have turned to machines, instead of each other, as the primary sources of entertainment and education. Most of human history people have sat around the fire, sat around the kitchen table, sat around the front porch and offered ourselves and our ordinary insights to each other. We’ve talked and listened, laughed and cried, and passed along incredible amounts of information about our families, traditions, beliefs, skills at problem solving, and resiliency, all buried in story.”

We’re still doing that, but in ways that are less personal – every time we experience music or a film with a friend, we’re sharing stories. If we’re blogging, we’re story-telling, but to an unknown audience. But it’s the personal stories that matter the most – the ones we tell ourselves every day. When they’re good ones, they have a positive effect, making us feel more confident in ourselves. When we re-tell negative stories, however, we erode our self-confidence and limit our possibilities.

Self-awareness brings us the freedom to let go of our old stories and create new ones that serve us. We set ourselves free from the prison of our own beliefs about ourselves when we create new stories, opening up to infinite possibility. One of the great Indian sages, Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, said of this kind of non-attached awareness “Freedom from self-identification with a set of memories and habits, the state of wonder at the infinite reaches of the being, its inexhaustible creativity and total transcendence, the absolute fearlessness born from the realisation of the illusoriness and transiency of every mode of consciousness, flow from a deep and inexhaustible source. To know the source as source and appearance as appearance, and oneself as the source only is self-realisation.”

To the sage, when we learn to dis-identify with appearance and story, then we can become who we truly are. What makes this incredibly difficult is the amount of emotion attached to the stories we hold to be true about ourselves – the ones where we’ve been betrayed, failed or suffered loss, as well as the ones where we’re loved, successful and happy. When the story is a sad one, we can hold on to the story to reinforce something negative about ourselves that we believe or to hold blame against another. Even seemingly positive stories can have a shadow if we use them to reinforce an identity that is inauthentic, for example success stories in a career that we don’t actually want to pursue can keep us locked in the holding pattern of living up to other people’s ideals.

This week, let’s do a story audit on your life. What kind of stories do you tell yourself on a daily basis? Is the balance generally positive or is it tipping over into the negative more often than not? What’s one story or belief about yourself that you could let go of that would make an immediate difference? To help you out with that one, look for stories that prove that you’re no good at something or that you can’t have what you want. Dig out the unhelpful tales to make space for ones that uplift you. Now ferret around for positive stories that illustrate how you’ve overcome obstacles in the past, been a success or simply had good luck. Write them down so you’ll have those positive memories to hand when you have a bad day. Share them with friends when they need a little uplifting too. Stories are powerful motivators, so make sure yours are fabulous ones.

2008-10-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

Ritual Pleasures

It’s been a pleasure to tap away on my laptop today, looking down at the intricate beauty of the peacock-influenced henna patterns swirling up my hands to my wrists. After an afternoon at my friend Kate’s pre-wedding Mehndi get-together, we’ve all been adorned with stunning original designs drawn freehand by a Mehndi artist. As rituals go, this is a pretty cool one – it’s fabulous fun, as well as an opportunity for the bride to spend her wedding eve with her good friends doing girlie stuff to mark the passage of her life from single to married woman.

Of course that got me thinking about the importance of ritual – not that my mind is ever far away from that kind of subject – and how rare it is that we mark the major events of our lives with ritual any more. Culturally, as many of us move away from formalised religion, the rituals drop away too. Yet that leaves a void where we fail to honour a natural desire to celebrate or reverently mark transitions and passages in our lives.

In essence, ritual provides recognition – like a psychological line in the sand – and support for both the uplifting and challenging times of life. We gather together to acknowledge our shared experience and to offer our love and friendship in the good times and the bad. It offers us comfort when we need it most.

Beyond the classic spiritual sense of ritual, there are also the everyday rituals that offer us support and bring us joy. There’s the morning coffee that wakes us up and signals a mental shift into the working day. Or the Sunday morning brunch over piles of newspapers that sets the scene for a leisurely day. Maybe it’s a Friday night with friends that makes you feel connected with life outside work or family, or a regular meditation that keeps you de-stressed and on the straight and narrow.

The point is we all have rituals in our lives, whether we choose to see them that way or not. I’d put money on the fact that you have a particular order for the way you put your make-up on, clean your teeth or even put credit cards in your wallet. We humans are creatures of habit. It makes us feel safe. Ritual activities also helpfully signal that we’re ready to move into a different state, for example whatever preparation you make before going to bed at night is a cue to your mind and body that it’s time to start shutting down.

Doing the same thing repetitively sets up pathways in the brain that pave the way for you to enter that state more easily each time you do it. That’s why it helps to use the same physical position each time you meditate – after a while, your body and your mind start quieting down as soon as you assume the position. You can use this to your advantage by anchoring that feeling to a small movement and a ritual saying, so that every time you perform that action you’ll feel as peaceful or joyful as you did when you first set up that association of emotional state and movement.

Try this next time you’re feeling particularly relaxed and peaceful – pinch your thumb and index finger together, while saying a phrase that reflects that feeling, for example ‘I am at peace’. Keep repeating the phrase as you put your fingers together and over time just the motion itself will begin to induce a sense of peace. Then you can use that motion to help you calm down in times of stress. The body has memory that can be tapped into to help you re-create any emotional state you want to experience more often.

This week, take a look at the role ritual plays in your life and ask yourself if the rituals you’re unwittingly creating have a positive association for you. If you’re caught in a round of regular activities that feel a bit stale, start building some positive routines. Shake things up a bit. Think about where you can turn small daily acts into greater pleasures. If there are bigger transitions taking place, consider getting a few friends together to create your own special ritual or simply do something yourself that helps you to mark the occasion. Get creative – and you might even want to treat yourself to a henna tattoo for a slightly more permanent marker!

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 14 Apr 08)

2008-10-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

Higher Vision

We all have our trials and tribulations. As my father says, some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue. What helps us get through our ‘statue’ times is a deeper sense that there’s a greater purpose at work. If you feel that you’re the victim of a random universe – or a pigeon on a mission – it’s hard to take refuge in the idea that what you’re experiencing can offer you anything in terms of wisdom or growth. Even more frustrating, when you’re in the midst of a difficult issue, justice and fairness can appear to be well and truly absent. However, when you lift yourself up to a higher perspective and are willing to let go of the need to know why things occur, comfort can be found.

Of course, when you want to get a message across, there’s nothing more powerful than a good story. You’ll see this used to great effect in the new book by the astrologer, Robert Ohotto, Transforming Fate Into Destiny. He advocates raising our perspective from ego prayer to soul prayer when petitioning the Divine for what we think we need in our life. In his view, “Ego prayers originate mainly out of what we think we want … sometimes these are things we’re told are important by the media and our culture, parents and peers”.

To illustrate the concept, he gives a fictional example of an ego prayer by a character called Mike, including this passage – “I hate my current boss, He’s always criticising me and never appreciates the hard work I do – he totally reminds me of my father. This new book I’m reading says prayer and visualisation are powerful, so I’m going to visualise making a million dollars by next year through this new internet gig – could you give me a hand with that? It would be great if you could help me manifest it! Then I could quit my current job, get some cool clothes, buy a house, lease a new BMW and have money to travel to the Bahamas next fall.”

Ohotto goes on to imagine God’s response as “Let me give you a glimpse of things from my perspective: First of all, before you were born, you made an agreement with your boss that he would come into your life at this time to help you heal your issues with your father and how his criticism wounded you. This means your boss must treat you much like your Dad did in order to trigger your old wounds so that they can surface again and can be dealt with now that you are an adult … this is very important to accept, because where you are going next in your life, you will need to learn how to validate yourself in ways your father could not. You are going to be running a major company in the years to come and will need to be a true leader with authentic soul-esteem. Since that is not done yet, you need to stay in the same job … Now about this financial request, you are not yet mature enough to handle a million dollars. That amount of cash would exploit current flaws in your character that you are not aware of and hinder your spiritual development. At this point, you are not able to handle the choices that come with that amount of money.”

To show the qualities of a soul prayer, Ohotto creates a fictional character named Victoria, who prays “All of my previous requests to be a breakout success as a fashion photographer here in New York City seem to have been ignored. I’m having a really hard time in my life right now; my heart is very heavy. I know I’m meant to be learning things and with your grace I can get through this period.

“You know that I’m currently in a job that I can’t stand. I hate waiting tables when I have a Master’s degree in art and photography – it’s so humiliating. I feel like such a failure. How am I going to continue to get by as a waitress living here in New York? Although I came here two years ago to explore creative opportunities in the fashion industry, nothing is panning out, and I feel lost and invisible. Am I on the right path? Is there another way I’m meant to use my talents and skills? Waiting tables can’t be all there is for me in this lifetime – right? Please show me what I need to learn so that I can go on to the next part of my journey. I’m willing to look at whatever I need to within myself in order to heal and move my life forward.”

In this dialogue, the Divine responds to Victoria’s soul prayer by telling her “I know that you have been having a hard time and that things have been tough, but it has all led you to this point of authentic surrender. Although you came to New York City wanting to be a fashion photographer, that is not really your dream, but only what you thought you wanted in order to belong and ‘be somebody’. Things have not worked out over the past two years so that you would begin to clarify what your soul truly wants to create in this lifetime.

“You are just about done with this lesson, my dear. I will sustain you through this time of difficulty as your ego’s desires burn out and your heart ignites. You were never meant to work in the world of fashion and you wouldn’t have been truly happy there. But you are indeed meant to be a professional photographer. When you are finally ready, I am going to help you to become incredibly successful. For now you must learn the lesson of humility and surrender. When you can feel just as good about yourself as a waitress as you would being a famous photographer, then you will be ready for the next steps in your journey. Until then, you must stay in your current job.”

If you have a problem that’s bugging you right now, try lifting your vision to a higher perspective and formulating a soul prayer to help you see what qualities this might be strengthening in you or what old wounds might be coming up for you to heal. Assume that there’s a purpose in what you’re experiencing – rather than bemoaning your circumstances, turn your assumptions upside-down and see what good might be obscured by what you have decided is bad. There’s no guarantee you’ll figure it all out right away, but at least having a sense of soul purpose will lift you out of victim mentality and into a much more creative frame of mind, knowing that there’s meaning to whatever you’re going through.

Use soul prayers to help you to open to the guidance that will get you on track. As Ohotto says, “Soul prayers ask of the Divine: Please infuse my contribution to this situation with your deepest wisdom and my highest potential. Show me, dear Universe, where I am afraid to hear your answer to my prayer, where I am blocking my own clarity, and why.”

To find out more about Robert Ohotto’s work, he’s regularly interviewed for the I Can Do It show on http://www.hayhouseradio.com/ and his personal website is http://www.ohotto.com/. If you really want to get out there, post your prayer on http://www.dear-god.net/ – the latest non-denominational online bulletin board for prayers brought to you by the founder of Cool Hunter.

2008-10-31T09:34:00.000-07:00

Clarity Rocks!

Curiously – particularly as I Am Fabulous was born out of a bottle of prosecco – and without any rhyme or reason, I find myself on the wagon. It started about a month ago after a bit of a fizz-fuelled evening. I’d been doing quite a bit of meditation at the time and was feeling pretty in tune. Then I managed to throw myself a curve ball with the rather injudicious application of a large quantity of alcohol. To be honest, it wasn’t a major decision to never drink again, but I just didn’t like how it had made me feel. So here I am, four weeks later, still somewhat surprised by the turn of events, but finding abstinence very easy to uphold.

That’s the odd part. Every time I’ve tried to give up something before, it’s always been a bit of a battle. Yet, when the time is right, the bad habits just slip away without any effort. The same thing happened when I struggled to give up smoking many, many moons ago. I tried everything – cutting down, scare tactics, ear acupuncture, even smoking menthols because I loathed them, which only resulted in a big-time St Moritz habit for a few years. Even when I managed to give up for brief periods through sheer grit and will-power, I would still crave cigarettes. Then, one day – again during a period when I was doing a lot of meditation practice and feeling more in tune – I got up in the morning, smoked the one cigarette I had left, thought to myself that I really didn’t enjoy it, and decided to give up. I never smoked again and never wanted to either.
This time, it’s less of a conscious decision, but it seems to be working beautifully. I have absolutely no desire for alcohol and find it really easy to say no when others keep asking me to join them in a drink. I don’t feel deprived or that I’m missing out on anything. I do suspect that I shall fall off the wagon at some point, but for now it suits me and I’m very happy with the way things are – I’m enjoying my current clarity and all the other benefits that come from dropping that particular indulgence, such as improved sleep and a bit of weight loss to boot. Can’t be bad, can it?

So here’s my theory of the week – when we are in resonance with our higher purpose, what no longer matches that will naturally fall away. Take this ‘on the wagon’ business, for example. I didn’t set out with that intention, but having put a lot of energy into working on my own personal purpose and spiritual focus lately, I’m noticing how the things that do not resonate with that are simply dropping out of my life. Consider it the ‘spin cycle’ of personal development – when you make a personal shift, what’s around you either shifts with you or gets cast out of your orbit.

Try it for yourself. While I was working on a spring feature for the rather fabulous women’s site http://www.ivillage.co.uk/ this week, I came across the idea of taking an ‘addiction break’. That’s where you pick an addiction like coffee, cigarettes or booze and replace it with a healthy option like fresh juice, walking or swimming. You can do it for a day, a week or a month. At the end of the experiment, you just might like how you feel enough to make it permanent.

Super-charge the change by linking the ‘addiction break’ to something positive you want to create for yourself, like focusing on a health goal or finding more personal clarity so you can up the ante on your career or life purpose. Spend time daily immersing yourself in the positive feelings that this new focus gives you. When you genuinely enjoy making a change, there’s no will-power required.

Never underestimate the power of clarity. As Marianne Williamson says in her book, The Gift Of Change, “I’ve noticed in myself that if something small and ultimately meaningless has gone wrong – I can’t find a file I left on top of my desk, my daughter failed to do what I asked her to do before going to a friend’s house – I can easily get rattled. But if someone calls to inform me of a serious difficulty – someone has been in an accident or a child is in trouble – I notice a profound stillness come over me as I focus on the problem.

“In the former case, my temptation to become frantic does not attract solutions, but rather hinders them. There is nothing in my personal energy that invites help from others, nor do I have the clarity to think through what I need to do next. In the latter case, however, all of my energy goes toward a higher level of problem-solving: my heart is in service of others and my mind is focused and clear. When I am at the effect of the problem, I become part of the problem. When I am centred within myself, I become part of the solution.”

Become part of your own personal solution this week, by dropping whatever gets in the way of finding clarity on your own purpose. For a little extra help, HarperCollins have generously made the full edition of The Gift of Change: Spiritual Guidance For Living Your Best Life available to read online for the next 30 days at:

http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/index.aspx?isbn13=9780060816117

2008-10-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

The Joy Habit

If you know me, you’ll probably be aware that whenever I can’t sleep I listen to the online radio spiritual talkshows I’ve downloaded to my iPod – it doesn’t require getting out of bed, doesn’t overstimulate the brain and generally you learn something new. That seems like a good deal to me – maximum gain for minimum effort! I love the inspiration I get from those programmes and every now and then something will set off a train of thought that ends up on the pages of I Am Fabulous. This time it was a single sentence about manifestation by Doreen Virtue, saying that in order to attract a particular circumstance, the caller would have to be “on the frequency of joy”.

If there’s one space that very few of us manage to hang out in on a regular basis, it’s got to be the frequency of joy. It’s almost sacrilege to answer ‘fabulous’ if someone asks you how you are or to wander around looking too perky, lest someone may attempt to wipe the smile off your face toute de suite. We’re not a culture that does joy particularly well.

However, that’s a habit that needs to be broken. If we want to draw opportunities to us, rather than struggle to make them happen, creating a new emotional habit of joy is what’s needed. Now, you’re probably not going to go from a mediocre level of enthusiasm for life to a high-octane one in a single leap, but here are a few clues on how to up the ante on your emotional level and make that stretch towards joy – and ultimately towards attracting what you most desire into your life. The universe has a way of mirroring your own attitude, so it’s a pretty safe bet that feeling good about yourself and life is going to bring you more of the same.

Do What Appeals To You

You’d think it would be a no-brainer, but we tie ourselves up in knots trying to fulfil other people’s expectations or do what we think is the right thing, rather than doing what we intrinsically feel is right for us. Alan Cohen, author of Joy Is My Compass, tells a great story about inviting his 8 year-old god-daughter to his ordination in Hawaii. When he explained what the ceremony would entail, she responded with disarming honesty “I don’t think I’ll be there. I’ll be bored.” OK, so you don’t have to be that blunt, but admit it – I’ll bet that’s something you’ve been dying to say on many an occasion. Next time you feel like that, turn down the invitation. Turning up and being miserable won’t do anyone any favours.

Don’t Speak For Your Limitations

How often do we put more energy into talking ourselves out of something we want to do than talking ourselves into it? Next time you feel really drawn to something and keep coming up with reasons why you can’t do it, put more energy into finding the reasons why you can do it. It’s amazing what you’ll be able to make happen when you stop filling your head with self-imposed limitations and start having some faith in yourself and your own creativity.

Make Everything A Choice

No word is more depressing than ‘should’. There’s absolutely no joy in feeling that you ‘should’ do something and there’s nothing uplifting in feeling that you ‘have to’ do it. Try this trick to shift you out of burden and responsibility and into more joy – no matter what it is, if you genuinely need to go through with it more from obligation than inspiration, then at least decide to choose it. If you’re stuck in a dead-end job, stop focusing on everything you hate about it and remind yourself that you’re choosing this because it pays the bills until your creative work begins to pay for itself or because it’s teaching you a new quality or refining a skill. Get the Pollyanna vibe going and choose what you’re faced with – it’ll make you feel more empowered and when you feel that way you’ll be more likely to take the steps that will get you out of there.

Live Your Passion

Again, a no-brainer. Unless, of course, you’re so divorced from your own joy that you don’t even remember what your passion is. Luckily, there’s a little more wisdom from Alan Cohen on the subject, in response to the question ‘What do you do if you have no passion for anything in particular?’. He replied, “You have just been trained from a young age to live in ways that are socially appropriate, to the extent that you forgot who you were when you were in touch with your passion. A good way to get back in the flow is to notice how everything you do feels. Does it light you up or shut you down. You have to be impeccably honest about this, especially with yourself. Then begin to engage more in the activities that make you feel warm and fulfilled, and let go of activities that leave you feeling cold or empty … As you build your skill of staying in touch with your true desires and living from then, you will start to feel more and more alive and also sense where your life force guides you at any moment. When you are honest and real about the little day-to-day decisions (which are really not so little) you get connected to your overall sense of passion about life and your purpose here.”

Follow Your Intuition

No matter how odd it may seem to be. Really. You have no idea where you might end up. I have plenty of stories to uphold that one – paying attention to inner promptings has brought me many serendipitous encounters, leading to new friends, work opportunities and fresh inspiration. I’ve learned that if there’s a strong pull to do something – even if I can’t work out why – the smart move is to just do it, knowing that the purpose will eventually reveal itself. It’s less of a leap of faith these days, rather than a sense of trust that acting on strong intuitive impulses is always well-rewarded.

Take Pleasure In Small Things

The more you put your attention into appreciating the small joys that make themselves known to you every day, the more likely you are to attract the bigger joys to you. It’s the attitude of gratitude that does it. If joy is a frequency, then keeping your attention on the joys in your life – however small – will attract more of the same, as you’re already resonating to that quality. Keep your focus on appreciation for what you have. That will lead you to the next step, which is …

Have A Positive Expectation

When you appreciate what’s already shown up, you’re more likely to hold a positive expectation for what you’d like to draw into your life. Focusing on lack is not a joyful attitude. Creatively focusing on how good it would feel to have what you desire is a vibrational match for the frequency of joy.

You can use any and all of these techniques to build the habit of joy. Drop the habit of collecting evidence as to why things won’t work out and start creating a life where they will. As Alan Cohen says, “To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.”

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 24 Mar 08)

2008-10-31T09:22:00.000-07:00

Faux Zen

For a change, let’s start with a bit of Rumi to get you in the mood. This one’s called The Guest House …

This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honourably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

In essence, Rumi reminds us that if we really want to live an authentic life, we have to learn to embrace all the diverse parts of ourselves, no matter how unattractive they may seem. Real danger lies in the decision to repress the parts we don’t like – or that are not appreciated by others – and only embrace those we consider worthy. When we do this, we split away from our true self and create a persona of acceptable characteristics that is ultimately unsustainable. It takes an awful lot of energy to maintain that charade. Inevitably, at some point we will end up self-sabotaging, as those suppressed qualities rise up to the surface, creating havoc in our perfect world.

Nowhere is this dynamic more rampant than in the spiritual arena. It’s the home-from-home for people who want to latch on to the light and pretend the dark doesn’t exist. It’s a lot easier to delude yourself that you have no shadow when you’re focused on the light. Yet, the truth will out, and we have seen countless examples of spiritual leaders with feet of clay in recent years. But this isn’t just an issue for those in authority, it’s one for all of us as individuals.
Just recently I’ve seen this tendency in living colour again, watching someone with soi-disant spiritual leanings behaving in a manner that was anything but. It’s what I call faux zen – professing to be spiritual, giving lip-service to having an enlightened awareness, but acting in ways completely out of integrity with those beliefs. It’s so easy to talk the game of higher awareness these days, but so much more difficult to actually live it.

Being able to quote a few new age platitudes is not a sign of depth. Real spirituality shows itself in the way you treat yourself and others. It’s about kindness, integrity and a deep connection to life. Some people find it through organised religion and others carve out their own paths. A genuine sense of the spiritual is humble and all-embracing, allowing others the freedom to find their own way and honouring their choices with a profound respect. You know it when you see it because there’s a humility and vulnerability about people who have that connection – they’re secure in what they believe and above all they’re not trying to play God.

Life is so complex these days, it can come as a relief when we think we’ve found someone with all the answers. Yet unless what we’re seeing is someone who embodies humility, chances are we’ve just met another Wizard of Oz. A grounded person will encourage you to honour your own wisdom, not pull the superiority trick. It’s too easy to give our power away to those who we think have more knowledge or wisdom than we do, but that’s just another pothole on the path. Ultimately, it’s about gaining your own awareness, not parroting received wisdom from someone else.

This week, help yourself along the path to authenticity by embracing whatever comes up for you, however lousy that may feel. If you notice some sadness or a feeling you’d rather avoid, let it be OK. Don’t push it away. Just notice it, feel it and let it pass. Don’t hide from the characteristics in yourself that you find unattractive – if you do, you’ll only project them. Accept that there are times you behave in a less than perfect way. Look for signs of faux zen – where in your life are you pretending to be something you’re not? Do you have people in your life who act like authorities, but who don’t walk their talk in an authentic way? Where might you need to knock someone off their pedestal and take back your power?

Seek the real treasure that the darkness hides, as Debbie Ford addresses in her new book Why Good People Do Bad Things. She recounts “It was my own journey through darkness that helped me build an intimate relationship with my authentic nature. It was not my good self but my evil twin that lead me to heal my emotional wounds and ultimately launched my career … In fact, it was my inability to function well in the world that forced me to strengthen my spiritual connection and learn how to thrive, even after devastation. It is the very darkness that I didn’t want to be or experience that has driven me to become the woman I always longed to be.”

Viva vulnerability!

2008-10-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

New Beginnings

The heavens are aligning in a particularly inspirational way this weekend, as we celebrate the spring equinox – marking the birth of a new astrological year – and Easter, traditionally a period of rebirth, at the same time. If that’s not a clue, I don’t know what is …

To get with the programme, make sure you carve out some time for yourself over the Easter break to consider how to invite the energy of a new direction into your life. It’s a time of regeneration – letting go of the old and making room for the new to take shape. That spaciousness comes from introspection and opening up to intuitive inklings of what might be ready to be expressed in your life.

If you’re a regular reader, you already know that stillness is the key when you’re looking for inner guidance. What you might not know is that the author of Practical Intuition, Laura Day, considers that there are four main personality responses to crisis that affect how you receive and interpret intuition. They reflect the fundamental ways in which you respond to difficulty – through anger, denial, depression or anxiety.

According to Day, each of those approaches carries within it a specific gift. Anger has passion, denial contains effectiveness, depression bears wisdom and anxiety incorporates awareness. Each one deals with things differently when life doesn’t go well and therefore needs a different type of preparation for opening up to the intuition that will guide them out of difficult circumstances.

As she says, “Each type has a different way of meditating. An Anger type needs to discharge some of their energy. Instead of sitting and chanting, what they need to do is maybe run a quarter mile or do a hundred jumping jacks.

“A Denial type needs to release some of the fear. Once the denial type sees what’s wrong and has the courage to do that, they can solve anything. What they need to do is something that makes them feel, whether it’s a song that makes them cry a little, seeing a friend that warms their heart or looking at an old photo album to get them back into their feeling self. That gives them the peace that they need.

“A Depression type is afraid of action because they’re already exhausted just by the idea of life. The first thing a Depression type needs to do to intuit clearly is to find support. They should make their environment supportive – get a comfortable chair, have a beverage – making them feel like they’re taken care of first and then their intuition will flow accurately.

“Anxiety types’ nemesis is confusion. Anxiety types get so much information all the time intuitively and can do absolutely nothing with it. All it does is make them anxious about things they’re never going to encounter. What they need to do is to break their intuitive inquiries down – make a list of questions and do each one step-by-step. They need to order their experience.”
You can find short, guided ‘audio experiences’ for each of these response types at http://www.welcometoyourcrisis.com/experiences.html. They’ll help you to relax and tap into your intuition in a way that’s best suited to your personality.

That should get you geared up for a little seasonal inspiration and intuition. Have a heavenly Easter break!

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. Email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 10 Mar 08)

2008-10-31T09:13:00.000-07:00

Life On Purpose

I had one of those dinner party conversations this weekend. You know, the kind that makes you lose the will to live. Whoever said that the three topics to avoid in polite conversation were religion, sex and politics was definitely onto something. I was feeling particularly mellow, having had a good old dose of spiritual stuff throughout the day – bit of meditation, some inspirational reading and looking up new developments online – so I walked straight into a conversation about the common threads between religions without paying close attention to who was participating. Big mistake. Huge.

There I was trying to gently discuss how the true essences of the various major traditions shared common ground, while one of my dinner companions was working up to a lecture on the finer points of comparative religion by stressing all the differences in dogma. We might as well have been discussing two entirely different subjects for all the good it did us. To be honest, I should have known better. If someone wants to engage in a topic on a purely intellectual level, but you’re more interested relating to a deeper spiritual truth, then you’re on a hiding to nothing. It’s not about winning or changing someone else’s view, but understanding that you’re effectively speaking two entirely different languages.

The Jesuit priest and psychologist, Anthony de Mello, has a wonderful expression about this kind of scenario, when never the twain shall meet. He said “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It upsets you and frustrates the pig.” That might sound a bit condescending, but that’s not the intention now or in the original quote. It’s simply an acknowledgement that we have our own ways of being and perceiving, so battling to join with someone in a point of view that is radically different from their own will be frustrating for both of you.

My own conclusion from the evening is that it’s simply reinforced the need for me to spend more time with people who share similar interests. I don’t want to have to hold back because I’m not with those of like mind. It’s not about always agreeing, but at a bare minimum it helps to at least be on the same page! Never underestimate the power of community in helping you to feel uplifted, confident and on purpose – being a fish out of water is not a helpful environment if you want to live an inspired life.

So, back to all that ferreting around I was doing on the weekend, during which I came across some serious gems. In an aftershow clip following a programme about Marianne Williamson’s latest book, The Age of Miracles, Oprah Winfrey gives a rare insight into her own motivation, the sense of purpose she’s had all her life and the influences behind her show.

Discussing how important it is to have a clear and positive intention in mass communication, she says “I consider this to be sacred ground. Your words have power. The way you think about your life and yourself determines your reality. You have the reality that you have because of everything that you thought, acted on and believed to be true for yourself … you are where you are because of every choice that you made, because of thoughts that you had and actions that you took.”

Talking about her own sense of purpose, she adds, “I have always seen for many years when I was doing this show, that this was only the beginning for me. People would say because of all the fame and attention that I received, ‘what more do you want – what else can you ask for?’ I’m not asking for anything else, I’ve just known that there will be more.

“I’ve always known that this show was the foundation for greater things to come … I always knew this wasn’t about me buying more shoes. I have as many shoes as any woman can handle. Even in the process of buying them, I knew there was going to come a time when it’s not going to be about shoes, about houses, about art. There is a bigger message here. I’ve always understood that. If I’d not understood that, the doors of possibility wouldn’t have opened for me …

“The same is true of your life. There is no difference between my life and your life. My mission and purpose in life is to be an inspiration … The only difference is how I choose to use my calling. Everybody has been called to do something. You wouldn’t be here unless you were called and your real role in life is to figure out what that is … If you’re in a place in your life right now where you think you don’t know [what is your calling], that’s because you’re allowing the voices of the world, the voices in your head, the voices of other people to drown out the voice of God in you, because everybody has it.

“My hope for you is that you create the miracle for yourself that you have this shift in perception that allows you to see the miracles that are already there. The real truth is that it’s like Glinda the good witch said to Dorothy – it’s my favourite spiritual teaching – ‘you always had it, my dear’ … You’ve got to get still enough to let it come through you, but it’s there. That’s what your real purpose is, to figure that out. If you align with whatever that is, when you line up with it, when you are in purpose and on purpose, the universe rises up to meet you.”

That’s a rather fabulous philosophy straight from the mouth of perhaps the world’s most successful and influential woman - definitely worth taking note! If you’d like to see the whole thing, go to www.oprah.com, select the video channel and you’ll find the aftershow clip on The Age of Miracles in the Spirit section.

This week, let’s expand our minds to include greater possibilities for ourselves than we’ve ever dared to believe. Get still and imagine what life could be like for you if this was only the beginning. What more might there be for you? If you could expand way beyond what you’ve already envisioned, what else might be possible? Give yourself some quiet time to ponder your purpose this week and to dream it into reality. What have you always felt a strong pull towards? Do you have a sense of what your calling might be. If you get stuck and think you don’t know, trick your mind out of it by saying “If I did know what my calling was, it would be …”. You’ll be amazed how well that little twist of thinking can work.

Surround yourself with friends who have similar interests and shoot the breeze. New possibilities can open up when you spark off each other. Try describing your calling to each other in a single word or ask each other to pick a word that encapsulates your purpose. Have some fun with it – humour is a great way to get some surprising results.

If you need some further inspiration to get in touch with your purpose, Oprah’s running a web event based on Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose, with weekly webcasts, plus video and audio downloads. You can watch it live or download it later. If you prefer just to read it, there are transcripts too, as well as a workbook for each chapter. It’s an ongoing workshop that you can join at any time at www.oprah.com.

For the Coach Fabulous archives, go to www.coachfabulous.blogspot.com and for the I Am Fabulous archives, go to www.fabcentral.blogspot.com. You can email me at coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material ©2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 Mar 08)

2008-10-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

The Sum Of The Parts

A grey and cold Sunday afternoon brought me a special treat this week, in the shape of the film Hidalgo. It’s not one I’d taken any particular interest in before, apart from admiring the general hunkiness of Viggo Mortensen. Given that I’m largely immune to the charms of action films, it came as a charming surprise to find myself totally absorbed in this tale of an American endurance rider who became the first outsider to compete in the Ocean of Fire, a 3,000 mile race across the Arabian desert.

That’s what it appears to be about on the surface, but the subtext is all about the plight of the Indian race and the wild Spanish mustang and – more importantly – Frank Hopkins’ need to come to terms with his own mixed-race heritage. Haunted by witnessing the massacre at Wounded Knee, he turns to the bottle and ends up in Buffalo Bill’s sideshow, until challenged to enter the race which will change his life.

Perhaps it struck a chord more than I would have expected because I’d just had a few lengthy conversation on the theme of unaccepted parts of ourselves and how we can be paralysed by our inability to integrate them. We all know the mechanism of projection, where we project qualities on to other people because we cannot see them within ourselves. Often these are negative traits, but in reality we’re also projecting our positive qualities on others as well. These disowned parts of ourselves are the things we despise and admire in others until we learn to accept that they lie within us, not just outside of us.

We’re all merrily projecting away all the time – one look at the gossip mags will prove to you how much we do this on a societal level as well as an individual level. What’s a little sadder than straight projection is where we’ve become incapable of accepting and utilising a natural talent, so it simply lies dormant within us. It becomes very difficult to live anything approaching an authentic life if you cannot make use of your gifts and be comfortable expressing them.

The reasons behind such choices – and they are choices, even if they don’t feel like them – are that we feel those talents are not acceptable to others and that expressing them will bring us shame or humiliation. Some of us will be fortunate in having others who will recognise those talents and be kind enough to woo us out of the places where we’re hiding from ourselves. Not everyone is that lucky.

Over time, parts of ourselves become alienated because they weren’t acceptable to authority figures in our lives or because peer pressure halted our individuation when we simply didn’t want to be different to anyone else. That kind of repression can cause us to become so distanced from our talents and skills that we don’t even recognise we have them any more. It doesn’t always have to be a traumatic cause, either – even the habituation of a long-term relationship or becoming a parent can cause you to forget what made you tick before you became more accustomed to addressing other people’s needs rather than your own.

The process of rediscovery is an exciting one, but it can also be quite scary too. If you’ve forgotten you had a talent, then it’s hardly surprising that you may not feel too confident about it once you begin to unveil it again. Part of the process is coming to understand that it’s safe to express yourself in that particular way, by unravelling the fears that have held you back.

This week take a look at a skill you have that is under-utilised. If you need more insight, ask a friend what they think is your most under-used talent or pay attention to the one form of expression that scares you the most. Start looking at how you might be sabotaging yourself or under-valuing what you have to offer. Notice the self-criticism you have about it and the ways in which you shut yourself down. Think back to how others responded to you when you expressed yourself in that way and what decisions you made in response to that. Then decide to take action – stretch yourself, do something you’ve never attempted before, set aside some regular time to develop your skill. Break through the self-imposed barriers and choose to enjoy your talent, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.

In the words of a prayer by Ste Thérèse of Lisieux,

“May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing and love.”

2008-10-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

The Frocky Horror Show

We’re only going to make a brief visit to the world of I Am Fab this week, as I’ve lost all my writing time trying to sort out technical problems. Did I mention I was using AOL? Plus ça change.

So, wondering what treat I could possibly have in store for you with only a few minutes to spare, I’ve decided to share with you my most guilty secret – I simply love a good fug.

There’s really nothing more amusing than logging on to http://www.gofugyourself.com/ to see what sartorial horrors the denizens of Hollywood are bringing us, made even more delightful by the inventive sarkiness of the Fug girls. Their commentary makes me laugh out loud.

This week, the girls are in hog heaven with the Oscars, although secretly I do believe they’re much funnier when they’re not shooting fish in a barrel. Someone’s always bound to get it horribly wrong on the red carpet. It’s the day-to-day scary moments that are truly fascinating.

If that’s not enough of a fashion frenzy for Oscar week, then hop on over to http://www.oscar.com/, where you can analyse awards style to your heart’s content by going their Red Carpet page. You’ll find photos of virtually anyone who attended the ceremony, with almost OCD-like attention to detail about what they were wearing. Did you know Nicole Kidman’s necklace was made by Mick Jagger’s girlfriend or that her makeup was by Chanel? Thought not. OK, so that level of obsessiveness is bordering on the wackadoo, as the Fug girls might say, but it sure as hell is entertaining.

We’ll be resuming normal service next week, but until then, enjoy spotting the fugs and try not to commit any of your own – unless you’re off to a 70s party like I was on the weekend. Now there’s an entire decade of fugliness that’s so bad it’s good!

2008-10-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

Wicked Games

There are some collective themes we’ll probably all experience in the course of our lives and one of these is betrayal. Sometimes they’re small ones, where you find out someone you trusted has been unkind about you, and others can be completely devastating. We all have our own personal scale of what we find enormously wounding – for some infidelity isn’t such a big deal and for others it means the end of the relationship, without question. Then there are the million ways in which we are misled or betrayed by those in whom we’ve place our trust in the workplace.

A few people I know are going through tough times with colleagues who they’d trusted, but have let them down in some quite spectacularly appalling ways. One particular person has gone through the most extraordinary catalogue of horrors, which has turned a minor incident into a fully-fledged witch hunt. The Spanish Inquisition would be proud of the torturous conclusion to this sorry tale. Needless to say, she has suffered enormously at the hands of some pretty slick characters, who’ve all managed to take care of themselves quite nicely whilst making her the scapegoat. It has taken an enormous strength of will just to stay functioning in the face of this ongoing barrage of criticism, lies and ultimate injustice now affecting her career on a permanent basis.

Yet the curious thing in this story is that, now it has become so outrageous as to be almost comic, she’s finding it easier to deal with. Oddly enough, sometimes it’s only when a situation gets so out of hand that you can lift yourself above recrimination and start looking at the bigger picture. This is not the only time the theme of betrayal has arisen in her life, but this time it’s a doozy. If we are to assume that all issues come up to create some kind of healing, then it’s becoming apparent that in this case it’s about strengthening her own sense of empowerment in the face of a huge abuse of power by others.

Now, it’s not always that easy to see what’s really going on – particularly when you’re in the thick of it – but when you can begin to get a sense of perspective, you’re on the way to unravelling the core theme that lies beneath. In this case, it’s a complex set of issues about valuing the self in the face of disapproval by authority figures, a need to respect and honour her own creativity and skill, and a push towards standing strong in her own power.

My favourite quote on power comes from the movie poster of The Godfather Part III, which said “real power cannot be given – it must be taken”. There’s so much truth in that statement – absolutely no-one can empower you to believe in yourself. Chasing approval is a dead-end street, because although you might be appreciated one day, you may not be the next and you’ll always be on the lookout for someone else to tell you that you’re OK. You’ll never really feel it on the inside. Cast-iron self-worth comes from knowing that you’re OK regardless of what anybody else thinks and regardless of what appears to be happening in the world around you. It allows you to stand by your own truth and integrity, even in the face of extreme criticism and disapproval. When you strengthen your own sense of power, you can become immune to the attempts of others to control you or shame you into accepting their beliefs or way of life.

Luckily, it’s rare that we experience huge betrayals in life. More usually they’re of the common and garden variety, but far more insidious are the ways in which we betray ourselves, diminishing our own power. How many times have you agreed with someone else just to avoid conflict or not stood up for what you believed you were due because you were afraid to ask for it?

This week, take a look at betrayal on both levels – from the outer world and the inner world. Where have you experienced betrayal from others and what might that experience have been trying to teach you? Is there a recurring theme of betrayal? If so, rather than attack yourself for poor judgement, ask yourself what this theme might be telling you about your own need to value and honour yourself and your beliefs. Make an honest inventory to take a look at where you have betrayed yourself – and where you’re still doing it. Try to find the underlying theme. What’s standing in the way of your own empowerment? Where do you let yourself down?

The good news is that when we resolve our inner issues, we are far less likely to experience those same issues in the outer world. What we bring to consciousness no longer disarms us by appearing in the guise of outer experience. That’s not to say that the issue won’t repeat itself, but that we become far more equipped to deal with the consequences when we understand the game we are playing. If you’re in the midst of a betrayal drama right now, try to distance yourself from the events and tell the story to yourself dispassionately, as though it were about someone else. That should give you the detachment to start looking underneath the drama for the deeper purpose.

Above all, remember that true empowerment is simply about honouring the truth of who you are. It has nothing to do with power over others, which is just the illusion of control. Real power is having command over your own attitudes, beliefs and emotions – and allowing others the freedom to do the same.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the rightor by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 18 Feb 08)

2008-10-31T08:23:00.000-07:00

The Way Of The Peaceful Decision-Maker

Having just talked yet another person down off the ceiling, the issue of clarity and discernment is uppermost in my mind. When the world is a scary place to you, the tension is palpable and stress is making your voice rise to a pitch that only dogs can hear, call me old-fashioned, but I don’t call that a great time to make a decision.

This year is shaping up to be a bit of a challenging one for a lot of people, calling for some smart and savvy discrimination in how choices are made. That’s not to say it won’t be an easier ride for others, but even if the heavens are shining on you, you still need to be picking the options that are best for you, rather than going along for the ride.

So, for the record, here are a few pointers to enhance your decision-making prowess:

Don’t Panic

You may recall that these words were inscribed in large and friendly letters on the cover of the Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Universe – just because it’s a work of fiction doesn’t mean it’s not true. No good can ever come of panicky energy, because it’s based on fear. When you’re fearful, it’s nigh on impossible to get in touch with your inner guidance and logic goes out the window as well. Not exactly an ideal scenario, is it? If you’re in panic mode, then you need to do whatever it takes to calm yourself down and change the groove of your thinking. You need to interrupt the pattern so you can approach the question again with a clear head.

Relax

So, your head’s in a spin, you’ve got a huge decision to make and you haven’t got a clue what to do – do you really think getting stressed about it is going to help the situation? The only way out of that spiral is to do something that gets physical – getting you out of your head and into your body. Walk, swim, exercise, get a massage, lie on a beach if you have time, but don’t try to cure the problem with more thinking – your best thinking got you here. If you’re under time pressure, just get outside and walk around the block, taking a few deep breaths along the way, or sit in the park at lunchtime. Getting out in nature, particularly by water, is very calming. Even in urban environments you can find fountains, rivers, parks or day spas that have very zen-like energy to give you a swift relax and re-charge.

Stay In The Present Moment

Most of the unnecessary drama in our lives could be removed just by observing the tenet to ‘be here now’. It’s that simple. When our minds are in the past, we’re usually either regretting something good now lost to us or reliving some past difficulty. When we focus on what’s to come, we have a tendency to awfulise, projectecting our current difficulties way out into the future. Both of these past and future obsessions bring enormous stress to the present day and make it extremely difficult to make wise choices. The past will not necessarily repeat itself, nor is the future certain to be a replica of current experience, so why entrap yourself in this type of thinking?

Open Your Mind

When you’re uptight about which direction to choose, it’s usually because you think you’re in an ‘either or’ situation and there’s no other option. That’s exactly when you need an open mind. Get creative and start finding other ways to think about the question. Talk to an inspiring friend, get a coach, use creativity techniques like A Whack On The Side Of The Head cards, get online or talk to others to research new options – do anything that gets you out of ricocheting between two choices. There is always another way, but you usually can’t find it either because you don’t think you have a right to ask for it or you simply haven’t opened your mind to the possibility.

Feel Into The Options

When your mind isn’t a reliable source of guidance, due to the mental spin factor, then the best way to get insight is via your feelings. Make sure you’ve done the relaxation bit first, though, or the only feelings you’ll be getting in touch with are ones of panic and fear. When you’re in a more laid-back mode, sit quietly, close your eyes and imagine the first choice ahead of you like a road. How does it feel to you to follow that road? Let your imagination give you images or a sense of how that might be. Pay attention to the sensations in your body as you visualise taking that path. Then do the same for all the other options. You should be able to get a clear sense of which choice feels better to you, as long as you remember to stay with how it feels to you rather than what you think about it.

Know Nothing Is Forever

What paralyses us most when it comes to making decisions is assuming they’re always irrevocable. When you really think about it, there are very few things in life that last forever and your decisions definitely aren’t cast in stone. These days there’s very little that can’t be undone if you really need to – for example, changing jobs is no big deal if you’ve misjudged a career choice. Sometimes it’s going far enough in the wrong direction that gives us the impetus to jump tracks to the right way, so staying flexible to what comes up for you in life is a very useful skill. If you’re completely stuck and just can’t make a decision, at times the best thing you can do is just take action. Not making a decision just keeps you stuck. At least doing something will shift the energy. When you know it’s not forever, you’re not afraid to jump.

This week, take a look at where you’re finding it difficult to make a decision about a particular direction, an opportunity, a relationship or a work issue. Use a combination of any or all the techniques, but do them in sequence. Jumping ahead without creating a calm foundation will affect the clarity of your insights and your ultimate decision. When you’ve made your decision, add a little magic by visualising success for yourself in whatever you’ve chosen. That’ll help it to become the fabulous turning point you wish it to be.

Now, I know it’s Valentine’s Day this week, so as a special treat, here’s a link some of the most direct (and occasionally profane) dating advice you’ll ever get, from Greg Behrendt, consultant on Sex & The City and author of He’s Just Not That Into You and It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken. In the Ask Greg video section of his home page at http://www.gregbehrendt.com/ you’ll find all the sage relationship advice you’ll ever need – with a hefty reality check as a bonus. Happy V-Day, everyone!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the rightor by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com/. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email mailto:coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.All. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 11 Feb 08)

2008-10-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

Taking Care Of Business

We’ve been revisiting the basic concepts of confidence, self-worth and self-acceptance over the past few weeks. Before we wander off piste to visit whatever else pops into my mind, it’s probably timely to take a look at the concept of service and how that fits with the inner-directed process of building self-confidence.

Whether or not we later embrace any form of religion in our lives, our early conditioning by the authority figures of our childhood sets up a credo – or set of commandments – by which we are exhorted to think always of others. That in itself is fabulous. What isn’t so great is the way that is subtly translated into a belief that we should always put others first, even when that comes at great personal cost to ourselves. Then, effectively, we are in sacrifice, not service. There’s a competing voice we hear daily, too, that says ‘nice guys finish last’ – reflecting the fact that we’ve become a more or less permanent ‘me’ generation. No wonder we’re confused.

For many of us, learning to tread the fine line between service and sacrifice is a life-long challenge, as we ricochet between giving till it hurts and shutting down because we have nothing left to give. We treat taking care of ourselves as a selfish act and question if it’s OK to be successful when so many others have so little. It’s a moral and ethical debate that can paralyse us from action in the outer world and prevent us from maintaining even the most basic of personal boundaries. Until we develop clarity on our own concept of service, then we will wage this inner war with ourselves, bouncing back and forth between sacrifice and service.

Marianne Williamson – one of the greatest spiritual teachers of this age – addresses how she wrestled with these issues in her new book, The Age of Miracles, recounting “I woke up once to a late-night epiphany that shone like a neon pronouncement: that the key to human salvation lies in our living for each other … The line I heard in my head that night was not ‘give away everything you own’. It was ‘live for others’. And I’ve wondered what the world would look like if we did.

“We’ve been so thoroughly programmed to look out for number one, as though ‘me’ is so much more important than ‘we’. But the shift from living for ourselves to living for others is clearly the spiritual imperative calling humanity back to the garden. What, then, about healthy boundaries? Does living for others mean I’m going to give everyone everything – as in my time, my energy, my money, my heart? I’ve tried to do that … be the paragon of self-sacrifice … never having time for myself, making myself wrong for wanting to take care of me, always running around to please or do for others. And it got me nowhere. If anything, it left me angry, resentful, vulnerable to thieves and feeling much more stuck in a rut on my spiritual path as opposed to being sped up on it. Wrecked half the time, I rarely showed up as my best for anyone.

“Healthy boundaries are loving; they show respect both to the person who sets them and to the person who’s asked to honour them. I think it’s best to seek a balanced life, at peace with ourselves and our own loved ones; then when we do turn our attention to the world, we can bring so much more to it. We bring a higher version of ourselves. According to A Course In Miracles, sacrifice has no place in God’s universe. Taking care of ourselves in a righteous way is meaningful service to a greater task because we cannot give what we cannot be. From that space of peace and the moderate behaviour it produces, comes more than enough money and time and energy to give to the world. Service is very serious work, but co-dependency is not.”

If we have any hope of eradicating the concept that taking care of self is innately a selfish act, then what we really need to learn to do is to receive without guilt. Many of us are hard-wired to give constantly and have little experience in receiving gracefully – whether that’s the love of another, a gift or even something as simple as a compliment. What lies beneath that inability to receive is a profound lack of self-acceptance – and often a deep self-loathing – that deflects any incoming appreciation like a computer firewall bounces back spam. You might be being given plenty of love and support, but without self-acceptance, it’s impossible to take it in.

The relationship therapists, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, were shocked to find that even when clients were given the tools to provide the support their partners had asked for, those same partners couldn’t accept the love they were being offered. As they wrote in Receiving Love, “Who wouldn’t be eager to accept the gift of love freely given? We never thought about the fact that the ability to receive love isn’t natural and inborn for everyone. We have since discovered that some lucky souls blossom and heal when they are offered what they need. But most of us have some trouble taking in affection, praise, support, compliments or gifts from others. For some reason we are not always able to swallow, digest and use this food for the soul. We can taste these morsels of love, but we can’t digest them as nourishment. Like many people with food allergies, we are left craving the very thing we cannot digest.”

Bottom line, we will have no sustainable ability to offer anything to the world until we can first learn to nourish ourselves, and the bedrock of that nourishment is self-acceptance and self-esteem. Unless we think we’re worth something, all the love in the world is wasted on us as we remain incapable of truly receiving it. Having a deep sense of self-worth is an inner process and not a function of how we appear in the world – it’s not about what you do for a living, how you look, who you know or what you have. It’s about being at peace with who you are.

Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations With God, describes meeting the extraordinary Ram Dass, who was left disabled, wheelchair-bound,and barely able to speak after a stroke. He says, “I met Ram Dass, after his stroke, in a hotel room in Denver, and I want to tell you something, I never met a healthier man. I sat in that room with a master. I said, ‘Ram Dass, how are you?’ And he sat in his wheelchair and took a long time saying the words ‘ I am wonder-ful’. That’s health … that’s peace, that’s joy. And when you have so much happiness and peace and joy that you spend your life sharing it with everyone you touch, that’s enlightenment. You have become a master. When your life is no longer about you, has nothing to do with you, but is about everyone whose life you touch, you have become a master. For in the end, that is why you came here. Not to somehow ‘get better’, not to work on yourself. Consider the possibility that all the work you will ever need to do on yourself is already done. All you have to do is know that. Then you will realise that the wonderful message from Conversations With God is true – ‘There is nothing you have to do, nowhere you have to go, and there is no one you have to be, except exactly who you are being right now’.”

This week, learn to live the paradox that seeming to be selfish can be a selfless act. Take time out to nourish yourself, choose to receive compliments gracefully, and think of yourself with love and compassion. While you’re doing that, you can begin asking yourself what you can do to live for others – what’s your special form of service? How can you share your joy with those you touch?

As a final clue, I’ll leave you with a little more guidance and wisdom from Marianne Williamson, who says “So how then do we live for others? The best I can come up with is that service is a way of being. It means I can make the person who just carried my bags into the hotel room feel how much I appreciate what he did for me. Tip him generously as well, of course, but match the tip with an attitude of honour for what he does. Both are important. It means that in any moment, as part of my spiritual practice, I can do what I can to show love and respect for the person in front of me.”

Become a master of the fabulous art of true service, not sacrifice.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the rightor by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 4 Feb 08)

2008-10-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

The Sixth Sense

Last week I'd intended to write about the importance of following your intuition, but suddenly it seemed more valuable to place it in the context of confidence first. That way it’s clear that developing a stronger intuition is a byproduct of learning to attune to your self and your own wellbeing. Like any kind of meditative process, if you try to pursue it too aggressively, it becomes elusive – yet it’s a natural ability we all share.

Gavin de Becker, Hollywood security consultant and author of one of my favourite books, The Gift of Fear, talks about intuition as a form of survival instinct – one that we all need to value in times of increasing conflict and violence. As he says, “Perhaps the greatest false truth is that some people are not intuitive, as if this key survival element was left out of them”. Noting how intuitive impulses return us to our true self, De Becker adds “Intuition connects us to the natural world and to our nature. Freed from the bonds of judgement, married only to perception, it carries us to predictions we will later marvel at.”

The celebrated medium, John Holland, wrote in 101 Ways To Jump-Start Your Intuition, “We’re all equipped with a complex and highly-tuned inner guidance system, which we can access and use any time we wish. Receiving intuitive information is all about energy, and people, places and objects are all comprised of it. Since you too are energy, you can receive and read information via your intuitive senses. So trust …and give yourself permission to explore, play and develop your intuitive ability so that you can see yourself – and the world – in a way you never thought possible!”

Now you know you have the equipment, all you need do is work out how you’re wired. TV and movie portrayals of intuitives and psychics would have us believe that intuition comes in dramatic and graphic visions, but for most of us it’s more like a still, small voice than a technicolour extravaganza. We all perceive intuitive information via our own strongest perceptions – some of us are more adept at visualising, others at feeling, some at hearing and others at simply knowing. If you’re naturally clairvoyant, you will tend to get your intuitions via imagery, literally seeing something in your mind’s eye. If clairsentience is your skill, you’ll tend to feel things about people or events, both emotionally and physically. With the predisposition for clairaudience, you can receive intuition by hearing it and if you’re claircognisant, you’ll simply just know things without having any logical reason why you do.

We’ll all usually have a particular type of intuitive perception that’s stronger, but will get flashes of the other types as well. What’s important is that you trust that how you receive the information is fine and don't struggle to control how it comes to you. That will lead you to discount a lot of important information if you don’t respect the package it comes in. Sometimes, for example, guidance may come as the most fleeting of thoughts, with none of the bells and whistles of a technicolour vision, but that doesn’t make it any less valuable. Or you might just get a really strong hunch about a person or an issue, for no logical reason. That’s where trust and discernment come in – when you know yourself and your abilities, you can take the leap of faith and follow the clues being made available to you.

Your inner guidance system is like a whisper from your soul – it’s always leading you on towards greater fulfilment, as well as being a very effective form of self-protection. It works most effectively when you give it some space to do its job. That means calming down on the busy-ness and making sure that you’re taking good care of yourself – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

On the physical level, you’ll already know that if you’re working on something and can’t seem to solve a problem, even a short walk around the block can give you enough space to find some more inspiration. Or you'll have found how restorative it can be to get some peace of mind by doing some exercise or getting out in nature. Getting into your body gets you out of your head, and over-thinking is one of the biggest blocks to intuition.

At an emotional level, it’s almost impossible to hear your intuition if you’re all stirred up – or to make good choices from the information you receive, as you’re more likely to mistake wishful thinking for intuitive guidance. Having some kind of regular meditative practice is an excellent way of learning detachment from your emotions, so that you become less reactive to the outside world and more sensitive to your own inner perceptions.

When it comes to the mental level, worrying is the absolute enemy of intuition, swiftly followed by second-guessing the perceptions we receive. Again, meditation is hugely useful in learning to calm the mind and separate ourselves from the myriad thoughts that rattle around in our heads each day. Mantras and affirmations can be very helpful in taming an unquiet mind, by giving it something positive to focus upon. Making the decision to act on the intuitive guidance you receive, without second guessing it, is an important step in developing your intuitive prowess.

Finally, any kind of spiritual practice – prayer, meditation, gratitude, service – will bear its own fruits on an intuitive level. The more power you give to your inner world, the more clearly you’ll perceive intuitive guidance. The sensitivities you develop in spiritual practice will open you up to a whole new world of perception, whether or not this is a direct intention.

To give you an idea of how intuitive guidance can work, I’m reminded of a friend’s recent experience of finding a new school for her son, mid-term. She lives in Ibiza, where there’s not a tremendous amount of choice and the places are hotly-contested, so although she wasn’t happy with his current school, she wasn’t optimistic about finding anywhere else. A couple of weeks ago, with the issue very strongly on her mind, she was driving through town with a friend when they passed one of the local schools. She suddenly had the impulse to get out at the lights and go to talk to the head teacher. They were very helpful and – although there were no places available there – they suggested trying a sister school, where there just happened to be a single place left because someone had just dropped out. Her son started at the school the very next day.

What’s illuminating about this story is that my friend not only listened to her intuition, but she acted on it. How many times have you had an impulse, but second-guessed it because it didn’t seem logical? This week, let’s work on the assumption that you’re receiving intuitive information all the time, but that it’s a radio station you don’t usually bother to tune into – now you’re going to turn the dial and start paying attention.

As an experiment, try sitting peacefully in the morning or late evening – the times when your mind is most likely to be naturally quiet – and asking for guidance. Ask what you need to know about people, work, events, opportunities – whatever takes your fancy and then expect an answer. Sit patiently until you get one and pay attention to how you receive it – is it a feeling, a knowing, a flash of a vision or something you seem to hear? As you become more practised in knowing what your own natural intuitive strength is, you can start asking questions on the run, learning to stop for a few moments during the day to pay attention to what’s coming through for you. Make a note of what you’re receiving, so that you can look back later and see how your hit-rate’s doing. The more you can see the evidence that your guidance is on the money, the more likely you will be to trust it in the future.

Bottom line, though, the best advice I can give you is to remember to act on what you get. That’s what will prove to you once and for all that your intuitive guidance system is all hooked up and ready to go, whenever you want to call upon it. All you need to do is tune in and pay attention!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 28 Jan 08)

2008-10-31T08:08:00.000-07:00

The Heart Of Confidence

Not sure why – perhaps it’s the whole January new start thing – but I feel moved to do a bit of a back to basics riff on the principles behind I Am Fab. If you’re a regular reader, you’ll know this blog is dedicated to promoting self-confidence and ways to enjoy an authentic, meaningful life – even if that’s not entirely evident at first sight! The topics may meander around all sorts of themes, but the general principal is that being exactly who you are is just fine. There’s nothing you need do to fix yourself. In fact, it’s precisely the opposite – the limiting beliefs you hold about yourself are what stand in your way.

Confidence and authenticity are byproducts of getting comfortable with yourself, not striving to become some idealised image of perfection. If you want to be happy with yourself and your life, letting go and learning to love yourself are the major keys to success. With a little self-awareness, it’s relatively easy to take a look at your own self-imposed limitations, but most people find the ‘loving yourself’ part the hardest. As one friend complained recently, “all those books tell you to love yourself, but nobody tells you how to do it”. I’m always up for a challenge, so here goes …

Get Over The Idea That Loving Yourself Is Selfish

Let’s face it, most of us had a less-than-ideal upbringing when it came to any sense of a positive self-image. When you’ve had your parents, your teachers and any kind of religious influence coming down on you like a ton of bricks for anything that vaguely looked like it was ‘selfish’, taking care of yourself is not going to be a natural skill. The Judeo-Christian concept of ‘original sin’ reinforces the idea that we’re all somehow bad, need to be punished and have to be taught to be good.

For those reasons, accusations of ‘selfishness’ are powerful ways of shaming and manipulating, so anyone who wants or needs to control you will be ploughing that field for all they’re worth. However, what’s really selfish is not taking care of yourself. When you do that, you’re playing the burning martyr game, where you appear to be in sacrifice but are actually getting satisfaction from the pity of others or from feeling like a ‘good’ person. Genuine selflessness does not give to get.

Loving yourself and taking good care of yourself means you’ll be relaxed and generous with others, because you’ve made sure you have a well from which to give. You cannot give endlessly without draining yourself and sacrifice isn’t really giving anyway – it’s just a strategy to get attention or to shore up a poor self-image.

Watch Your Inner Dialogue

How you speak to yourself is indicative of how much love and esteem you have for yourself. What’s chattering away in your mind when you look in the mirror first thing in the morning? What do you say to yourself when something doesn’t work out for you? If you’re critical, blaming and punishing in your self-talk, that’s a clear indication that you need to work on being kind to yourself.

The first step to self-love is simple self-acceptance. Start looking kindly at yourself in the mirror. Pay yourself a compliment rather than chip away at what you don’t like about yourself. If something goes wrong, go easy on yourself. Don’t start beating yourself up or blaming yourself automatically. Maybe it’s just not the right time or even the right situation for you. Learn to grow from your mistakes, not be paralysed by them.

Celebrate Your Successes

So few of us have any kind of positive habit of celebrating our achievements – most of us move from milestone to milestone looking back at what went wrong, rather than what went right. You cannot develop a positive sense of self-worth if you constantly focus on your failings rather than your successes. Learn to make a discipline of reflecting on what you’ve achieved, rather than what you feel is lacking.

You can do that by celebrating milestones as they occur or even having a daily habit of listing three things you’re happy to have achieved at the end of each day. You might even enjoy a practice suggested by Esther Hicks and Abraham, called The Book of Positive Aspects, where you write down all your successes and positive achievements in a notebook so you can return to them on days when you’re not feeling that great about yourself.

As a starter for ten, why not just think of three things right now that you’re really proud of, that brought you the most joy or that are major achievements in your career or private life? Get in the habit of thinking positively about the way you’re living your life.

Set Clear Boundaries

This one’s an overspill from the ‘burning martyr’ syndrome. A lack of healthy boundaries will kick you into sacrifice, leaving you feeling drained, exhausted and worthless. Failing to take good care of yourself in light of the demands of others simply reinforces that you believe other people’s needs are more important than your own. It’s hard to feel good about yourself when what you need or feel simply doesn’t matter – to you or anyone else.

Boundary-setting is not about putting up fences, but of holding a strong centre and reacting appropriately in the moment. It’s about trusting that you’re the authority in your own life and that you know what’s right for you. It means saying ‘no’, even when that might feel uncomfortable, because you trust your own judgement. Strong boundaries protect you from being manipulated by the inappropriate demands of others and they reinforce to the world that you value yourself. That’s vital, because, believe me, if you don’t, no-one else is going to do that for you.

Make Positive Choices

Loving yourself isn’t just sitting around talking nicely to yourself – it’s about action and integrity. If you’ve decided you want to lose weight and you stuff your face with fast food, that’s not a positive or loving choice. You’re out of integrity with what you’ve declared you want and you’re not supporting your own physical well-being. If you’re hanging out with people who are manipulative or hyper-critical, then again you’re not making choices that say to yourself that you’re worth loving. If you’re tolerating any kind of relationship that’s destructive, that’s a massive blow to your ability to love yourself and to your self-confidence and self-worth.

Take a look at how the activities and people in your life support your total well-being. Where are you out of integrity with what you want for your life? Are you living the kind of life someone else has mapped out for you? Are you moving forward in the direction you really want to go or are you holding yourself back because of limiting self-beliefs or another person’s opinion?

Trust Yourself

People with low self-esteem are self-abandoning. They follow what others insist upon because they don’t love themselves enough to trust their own opinions and intuition. If something doesn’t feel right to you, you need to honour that. You don’t actually owe anyone an explanation for the decisions you make, so even if it’s just a hunch, value yourself enough to trust that and live by your own lights. Following your intuition is a way of loving and valuing yourself. Stop second-guessing your instinctive decisions and learn to trust yourself.

By taking action in support of your own feelings and inner guidance, you’re sending a strong message to yourself that you’re worth listening to and taking care of. When you really embody that, you’re sending that same message out to the world, loud and clear.

Just Relax – Drop The Judgement

When you love yourself, you can be OK with yourself exactly as you are. You don’t feel like you ‘should’ be anything other than your true self and you extend that generosity of spirit to others as well, making you a very easy person to be around. Learning to let go of all the judgements you hold on yourself and others is the most freeing and loving thing you can do for yourself.

That means dropping perfectionism and examining all the beliefs you have about success, so that you can develop a healthy sense of success on your own terms. Don’t strive for what looks good to others – if it’s not that important to you, forget about it. Embrace freedom and spontaneity. That allows you to open to new possibilities and creative expression you may not have considered. Let your mind open to your heart’s desire, not just what you think you can achieve or what you ‘should’ aspire to.

This week you have a seven-point plan to work on to build your self-worth and learn to love yourself. Give each one a try and see the difference. It might not be an overnight transformation, but stick to it and you’ll soon be noticing that you’re treating yourself more kindly and building a strong foundation of self-worth. What could be more fabulous than that?

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 21 Jan 08)

2008-10-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

Life's Too F***ing Short

You’ve got to admire someone who manages to find a title for their book by recycling a cliché with added profanity – it’s the ultimate in literary laziness. Quite frankly, life probably is too short to find a smartass title for your book, so well done Janet Street-Porter for the marvellously unimpressive title of her latest tome! Dull by name, though, is not necessarily dull by nature. Ms Street-Porter is famously direct of speech and doesn’t stint on her opinions in print either.

Talking about celebs who obsess about their looks and who look “profoundly miserable”, she recounts “I’ve met Madonna a few times and she’s highly intelligent, driven and lacking in humour. They don’t have Christmas at her house, they don’t have presents and she’s banned the children from watching television. Now I think that sounds pretty f***ing cheerless. Every woman in the country, bar Madonna, must sit around at some point in their tracksuit bottoms and a pair of slippers – but she doesn’t look as though she does, does she?”.

Indeed. Not much point in being a global superstar and living miserably, is there? Of course, Janet’s view is only that of an outsider and perhaps Madonna does find great joy in life, but my money’s on Janet. Who wants a rigid, cheerless existence?

She adds “Victoria Beckham, whom I’ve met a few times, is similar – they’ve achieved, want to achieve more and have never achieved enough. Victoria’s obviously decided to exercise and not to eat and the result is that her clothes wear here rather than the other way around. They both need to lighten up a bit – but I do wonder what would make them happy.”

Good old Janet’s making a lot of sense – in her usual forthright manner. It’s the rigidity that’s the problem. To be happy is to be relaxed with yourself, your life and with other people. It’s the opposite of control and rigidity. When you’re happy you can let go of how things ‘should’ be and get comfortable with how things are. That doesn’t mean you don’t have goals or ambitions, but that you learn to go with the flow and take life more easily and less seriously. Some of the best things in life can arise spontaneously, if you make space for them.

For a more laid-back sense of living, letting go of long-held ‘rules’ is the number one priority. These are the ‘life’s too short’ kinds of behaviours that we really need to set aside if we want to create an authentic life. Often these are habits or standards that we’ve assumed from others without ever really considering how important they are to us. The biggest clue that they’re ‘shoulds’ is that they tend to be things we struggle with, that feel like an effort or are standards we think we should live up to.

Socrates said that “an unexamined life is not worth living” – what he didn’t say was how painful it could be to continue to live a life where you don’t examine the values that are driving you. It’s impossible to be happy when you’re living a life that’s driven by other people’s ideas of success or decorum, that’s out of integrity with your own values. Only when you’re living by your own lights can you truly be happy – and that means letting go of all those beliefs and habits that life is really too short to pursue.

In Janet’s world, life is too short to …

Try to be a size zero
Talk to people who are boring
Spend it in the same dreary job
Be a slave to fashion
Have a set of rules you can’t live up to
Spend a fortune on face cream
Be on a permanent diet
Worry whether you’re clutching the latest bag

What would be on your ‘life’s too short’ list? Start with the mundane stuff – it’s liberating to get rid of the day-to-day dross first and then work up to the big stuff like your entire personal value system. Personally, ironing is at the top of my day-to-day ‘life’s too short’ list. I haven’t touched an iron since the early 80s, after a particularly sweaty episode when I was steam-ironing New Romantic frilly shirts in 40 degrees of heat. If it needs ironing, it goes to the dry cleaners. Period. I will never spend a single moment of my life sweating over a shirt again – and that feels good!

Then pay attention to the rules you set for yourself. Do you make commitments you don’t enjoy? Do you sacrifice yourself for others? Do you know when to draw the line at work? Is your schedule more driven by the demands of others than by what you’d prefer to do?

Finally, take a look at what’s really important to you. What are the major beliefs that run your life and are they genuinely of value to you or ideas you’ve taken on from others? What’s your personal definition of success? Are you pursuing a career or a promotion that isn’t actually what you want?

This week, your mantra should be ‘life’s too short to…’ and then just fill in the blanks. Say it when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re having a coffee or when you’re watching TV. Use every opportunity to examine what you can let go of to create a fabulous, authentic life for yourself.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 14 Jan 08)

2008-10-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

Rebel Without A Clue

Having been gifted with the seasonal lurgy as a New Year present, I have developed a close personal relationship with my bed and have become an unwilling television addict. It’s hard to find the concentration for anything useful when breathing feels like an optional extra, so I’ve sat through some pretty dire stuff as a distraction from my own endless soundtrack of coughing and wheezing. However, my eyes lit up when I spied a new BBC programme called Extreme Pilgrim, where a Church of England vicar sets off on journeys to China, India and Egypt, in search of a more mystical path to enlightenment. That just had to be good …

Hmm. The Rev Peter Owen-Jones turned out to be a rather weather-beaten ex advertising industry Indiana Jones wannabe, with an enormous streak of hubris for a local Sussex vicar, who states – with no sense of irony, despite his astonishingly closed mind – that “What I’m looking for is a spirituality that is absent from Western Christianity. A spirituality I know exists in the extremes of world religions. I hope to enter worlds where rule book and doctrine are replaced by an individual relationship with God and where the attainment of enlightenment is won by hardship, privation and pain. I have to become an extreme pilgrim.” Holy Spiritual Quest, Batman!

As the Rev sets out on his own personal Boys’ Own trek towards enlightenment, he heads for the Shaolin temple, deep in the Henan province of China – the spiritual home of martial arts. Being a gentleman of a certain age, it’s more than a little shortsighted to assume that a quick week of training at a Wushu school nearby would give him the necessary martial arts preparation to gain enlightenment through the practice of Shaolin kung fu. Shockingly for our Pete, he finds it rather tough. Funny that. Practitioners spend lifetimes just mastering small aspects of these forms, yet he can’t crack it – or become enlightened – in only a few days. Go figure.

Then he makes the classic tradesman’s mistake and starts to blame his tools. He finds Shaolin too busy and commercial, as it draws visitors from all over the world, saying he’s “not sure the Shaolin brand has a great deal to do with Buddhism really; even less I fear to do with meditation”. Sadly, he hasn’t managed to grasp the concept that his inability to find any inner stillness even in the heart of a temple says more about him than it does the location. So he decides he will fare better at the much more remote stronghold of San Yang, an 8-hour trek away, 5,000 feet up in the mountains behind Shaolin. That’s where it really gets interesting.

San Yang is Shangri-La – a stunningly verdant restored monastery carved into the mountainside, a dizzying drop to the valley below, reached by vertiginous stairways and rope bridges. Again, the approach is free of doctrine and simply consists of the practice of a traditional Shaolin form and treating all daily activities as opportunities for flowing movement. Again, the Rev fails to grasp the concept and just becomes annoyed that he can’t do the moves in the right sequence. Finally he asks the Zen master for further instruction to get him on the right track, but doesn’t get quite what he bargained for.

Still blaming the environment and the practice, Peter asks “Why in this place of stillness do I feel such frustration? Why is Zen so difficult to comprehend?”. What follows is a masterclass in Zen, so beautifully clear and descriptive that it actually made having to endure the perils of Pete utterly worthwhile.

The Zen Master replied, “The reason is very simple. You don’t have a profound understanding of Zen. The environment here is different from Ta Gou and Shaolin – all you have to do is become harmonious with it. All your anxiety and worry is generated in your mind. So you have to question yourself thoroughly. What are the reasons for your disquiet? You have to think deeply about it. You need to learn Zen to release yourself from life’s problems. You have to enter Zen before you can learn martial arts. Like this morning, carrying things up the mountain – this is a kind of realisation of Zen. Everything is constantly changing, including your life in the UK, but all difficulties are temporary. Things are changing non-stop. Just now you’ve seen the birds in the sky soaring so naturally. Look at these trees, how peaceful they are. When it’s windy, they’ll bend with the winds; without wind they are very calm. To really learn Zen, you have to become one with nature – very harmonious, very relaxed, very carefree. This way you can have a healthy body and a good mind, and rid yourself of all obstacles.”

In his inimitable style and finally with a glimmer of self-awareness, Peter responded, “Maybe I was more wound up than I thought. I have a lot of realising to do.” D’ya think?

It’s so frustrating to watch someone being given the enormous privilege of studying within the Shaolin temple and at San Yang, yet who didn’t appear to have done any real preparation for the experience, was not open-minded and quite frankly was astonishingly insensitive to the culture in which he was supposed to be immersing himself. At one point the Rev told a Shaolin monk that he found meditation difficult because he was distracted by images of women’s breasts. Can’t imagine that would seem particularly tactful if he were chatting to his local bishop, so it’s safe to assume it’s not de rigueur for a Buddhist temple either. Let’s hope he grows a little more self-awareness (and an ability to self-censor) before he mixes with the Sadhus in India and the Christian desert hermits in Egypt. God help them.

This week, take a look at where you are focusing more on the process of something rather than the essence of it. We lose our joy when things become rote and functional and we forget to simply engage in the pleasure of each moment of practice. If you want to reawaken a sense of aliveness, either engage more deeply in something you love or do something completely different. What could you be more open-minded about? Is there something – a practice, a sport, a game – you’ve never tried and have always pooh-poohed? Take a risk and give it a try. The aim of the game is to immerse yourself in an activity so deeply that it becomes a meditation for you, bringing you a greater sense of inner stillness.

If you’d like to see for yourself the questionable spectacle of a pseudo-trendy English vicar making bizarre observations on the spiritual behaviour of Johnny Foreigner, you can download Extreme Pilgrim at www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer, where it is available for 7 days after transmission.

In the spirit of exploration and co-creation, comments are now enabled on I Am Fabulous, so feel free to add your own impressions on the theme of the week, as well as any comments or suggestions.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 7 Jan 08)

2008-10-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

The Year Of Living Gracefully

Living gracefully is an attitude of mind and a function of the heart. When you’re living gracefully, you’re living your purpose with joy, compassion and soulfulness, feeling a deep connection to life. Now that’s something fabulous to aspire to for 2008, isn’t it?

Let’s just drop the whole resolution/perfectionism drama and go for living authentically in the coming year. All that striving is just too anti-fab. Let this year be one of perceiving and receiving, of paying attention to what works in your life and letting go of the rest. Find your own personal definition of happiness this year – there is no ‘one size fits all’ formula for it, no matter how hard we try to find one.

The author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihaly, notes that “Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and determined privately by each person.” He goes on to add that “People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, which is as close as any of us come to being happy.”

An inner-directed life is one of flow, spontaneity and receptivity, where we stay awake to what brings us joy and a sense of purpose. An outer-directed life is one where we feel we have little control over our circumstances and allow outer events to drive our inner experience. For most of us, life is generally outer-directed or an experience of ricocheting between that and flashes of inner direction and flow. To gain any sustained sense of happiness, it takes a conscious choice to place more value on inner experience than outer circumstance. If you want to enter the flow, you must opt to create your own sense of values, leaving behind what the world tells you will make you happy. You need to find what makes you truly feel alive.

The foremost Buddhist scholar in the West, Robert Thurman, makes the point of inner-direction abundantly clear, saying “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs are people who have come alive.” As I’m writing this, I realise I saw the same sentiment in the film Shall We Dance?, where Richard Gere secretly takes up ballroom dancing to reignite passion in his life. He’s afraid to tell his wife that, despite having success and all the material things in life, he’s still not happy.

Let’s be clear, this is not about avoiding the material life or trying abstain from participating in the physical world. It’s simply about placing it in perspective. Live by your own lights and choose to indulge what pleases you, rather than making ‘stuff’ your goal. We all know that stuff doesn’t do it for us on anything but a momentary basis. Fleeting experiences are fun, but not the staple diet you need if you want to sustain a sense of joy and purpose.

When it comes to the work of finding what really makes our heart sing, it helps to know what your natural leanings are when it comes to the inner terrain. Joan Borysenko, a Harvard Medical School scientist and psychologist, has written a guide to mystic traditions entitled 7 Paths To God, which offers insights into the varying ways we find our connection to divinity, spirituality and life itself. By discovering which of these paths you’re most drawn to, you can then explore the practices on that path to help you get in touch with your inner wisdom and passion.

She describes the first path as the Everyday Mystic, “who sees the Creator in every bush and tree, in the gifts of food and shelter, in nurturing and in the fulfilment of the needs of everyday life”. Traditions and practices to explore on this path can include yoga, shamanism, Native American wisdom, Wicca, or simply spending time in nature and focusing on gratitude.

In the second path, the focus is on Creativity and Abundance, where “male and female aspects join. The key to Path Two is generosity of spirit – being secure enough in ourselves that we can receive from God and give to others in a way that encourages both of us to bring forth our creative gifts.” Practices honouring creativity and the balance of male and female be found in Taoism, Tantra, artistic expression (music, dance, writing, painting) and mentoring.

The third path is the Passion To Serve, “where fire fuels our dreams and gives us the stamina to fulfil them … The basic question for Path Three mystics is ‘Whom do I serve?’ … If we serve ourselves to the exclusion of all others, we fall into spiritual peril and are likely to add chaos, rather than creativity, to the universe. If we serve the world we use our potential as co-creators with God.” Practices to explore on this path are found in humanitarian and visionary causes.

The Way of The Heart is the fourth path, is best described as “when we see with the eyes of the heart, we can worship God within every person … Path Four mystics such as Mother Teresa bring about heaven on earth through love.” In the Hindu tradition, this is known as bhakti yoga, or the way of devotion. Buddhist practices on the fourth path include Metta or loving-kindness meditation. This is the path of compassion and open-heartedness.

On the fifth path, the focus is on Discipline, Ethics and Will. “The Ten Commandments, like the Buddhist precepts for living and the Hindu system of raja yoga, provide template for using our human will to live in accordance with the divine will.” Practices for Path Five mystics include following moral and ethical guidelines in kind and compassionate ways.

Contemplation and Transformation are the watchwords of the sixth path. “This is often accomplished by undergoing a dark night of the soul, like the Buddha, when our old life is left behind and we enter a period of wandering or searching before the sun of enlightenment arises.” This path is linked with intuition, dreams and visions, as well as deep meditation and contemplation.

The seventh path is one of where “Our faith is an important determiner of openness to Spirit. The nature of our faith develops and changes throughout the lifecycle, through the dark nights of the soul when we are challenged to transform, and through the work we do on the different paths. Eventually we have the faith to recognise that grace is a paradox; apparently wonderful events can curb our growth, while devastating events may spur it. We then receive the higher grace of non-attachment.” On this path, there is an openness to all practices which bring a deeper communion with self and with Spirit, as well as a commitment to living the qualities of kindness, creativity and compassion.

You will have already seen that there are many crossovers between the pathways and that none of us are exclusively one thing or another – ultimately we will embody all seven paths. However, it is helpful to explore first the ones that we are most drawn to naturally. For example, some of us may prefer to have firm spiritual guidelines like those set out in Path Five or we may delight in the exploration of our own creativity and spirituality through Path Two. Whatever your natural path is, be sure that it will bring you joy. If it’s not something that lifts your spirit, it’s not your path.

This year, open to the grace of exploration and allow life to bring you some surprises. Pay attention to your thoughts and remember to focus them on what makes you feel alive and what you want to draw into your life. Doreen Virtue, the author of a number of books on angels and spirituality, says that 2008 resonates to the number one, meaning “your thoughts are instantly manifesting into form”. If that’s the case, it’s more important than ever to live an inner-directed, spiritually-powerful life. Be your fabulous authentic self in 2008!

In the spirit of exploration and co-creation, comments are now enabled on I Am Fabulous, so feel free to add your own impressions on the theme of the week, as well as any comments or suggestions. Let’s build a community of shared wisdom and make I Am Fabulous a resource where we can all use our creativity to inspire others.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com.
For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.
All material © 2008 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 1 Jan 08)

2008-10-27T04:39:00.001-07:00

Lit From Within

We’re at the Winter Solstice now, the time of the greatest darkness on earth, so if we want a little more light, we’re going to have to make it ourselves. It’s no surprise that this season has the most candle festivals known to man – it’s an outer representation of the inner call to find the light within.

This time of year is meant to remind us of our true selves, of the light and compassion that lies within us. We’re at a time of year when it’s more important than ever to remember our divinity as well as our humanity. Darker times and colder days help us to draw within and consider the truth of who we are. Slowing down helps us to return to our natural rhythms and to know what’s important to us when busy-ness falls away. We remember the soul of us, not just what we have become.

Victoria Moran, writing in Lit From Within, says that the first step to bringing out your inner beauty is to “Have only one goal for your physical self: that it be an accurate representation of your spiritual self … When you are committed to showing the world who you really are, you will start to play up what makes you special … If you celebrate your differentness, the world will, too. It believes exactly what you tell it – through the words you use to describe yourself, the actions you take to care for yourself, and the choices you make to express yourself. Tell the world that you are a one-of-a-kind creation who came here to experience wonder and to spread joy. Expect to be accommodated.”

This Christmas, remember that you are a soul with purpose – and that is exactly the right order of things. First take your inspiration from within and then take action to live your purpose. A soulful life is one where you can remember that you are a divine being, yet have compassion for your humanity. When you become relaxed with yourself exactly as you are, it’s easy to extend the same compassion to others.

To remind you of the spark of divinity within you, here’s a dialogue between Michael Beckwith and Ricky Byers Beckwith on the nature of soul and what it is to ‘have soul’.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bDF3mpGPqSI

Take a few moments this week to ponder on what your soul purpose might be and what it’s crying out for right now. Use this time of retreat from the busy-ness of the world to reconnect with what’s truly the driving force in your life.

Have a fabulous and soulful Christmas!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link inthe Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 24 Dec 07)

2008-10-27T04:31:00.000-07:00

Drawing The Line

Well, this is as timely a moment to talk about boundaries as any. It’s the time of year when obligations loom large, when we’re all dashing about doing things we’d rather not be doing, but trying to cram it all in anyway. To top it all off, we get to hang around the house with our dysfunctional family dynamics, which are generally further ignited by the addition of a generous dose of alcohol. Not exactly a recipe for Christmas cheer, is it? Let’s find a way to make this festive season a little brighter, shall we …

The golden rule – the one that will stand you in good stead now and in the future – is to set clear boundaries. It’s that simple.

Now for the hard part – we all know this, but somehow we just don’t manage to do it, especially when it comes to close family and friends. Sometimes the reason is fear of confrontation, sometimes it’s about keeping the peace, sometimes it seems easier just to let someone get away with appalling behaviour rather than try to fight it. Whatever the reason, the problem is the same – if you don’t take care of yourself, no-one else is going to do it for you.

If you’re exhausted and need time out, take it. If someone consistently behaves badly, let them know in a measured way that it’s not acceptable. Removing yourself from their sphere of influence is a start, but it’s not a solution. The problem will always remain until you grasp the nettle and get clear about what is acceptable behaviour to you. This can be extremely difficult, I know, as controlling characters have no talent for healthy conflict resolution. Janet Bluestein, author of Parents, Teens & Boundaries: How To Draw The Line, views the majority of people as either ‘Bulldozers’ or ‘Doormats’. She says “Bulldozers need to win, to have their needs taken care of, and feel entitled to do so at the expense of the other person … Doormats are terribly accommodating, but at the expense of their own needs. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts. Doormats often function in the hope that being ‘nice’ enough will inspire people around them to figure out and accommodate their needs.” Sound familiar?

She goes on to note “Growing up with either or both of these models, we receive a number of messages that present obstacles when we attempt to take care of ourselves in relationships with others, messages that connect our worth and loveableness to our ability to please others. If most of the people in our lives operated on some form of win-lose method of conflict resolution, either by violating and disempowering (as a Bulldozer) or by self-abandoning (as a Doormat) it can be hard to imagine win-win solutions that consider the needs of all parties involved.”

Perhaps the most fascinating part of that statement is the identification of the Doormat character as ‘self-abandoning’. Let’s assume that Bulldozers are fairly unlikely to be reading this, given their general lack of self-awareness, so the emphasis here is going to be on how to move out of Doormat mode. For any stray Bulldozers who may be lurking about on the site, the advice is simple – pay attention to how your demands are affecting others and develop sensitivity to other people’s needs.

First of all, let’s change the terminology. Bulldozer v Doormat doesn’t sound like a battle that can ever be resolved healthily – especially if you’re the Doormat! However, Controller v Accommodator is looking a bit more like a level playing ground. When you can see that the other person may be making unreasonable demands which you’re enabling by accommodating them, you can make a choice to act differently. No-one can continue to treat you badly without your complicity in allowing it to happen. That’s the important part of the ‘self-abandoning’ identification – the issue is less that others are making demands of us, but more that we are abandoning our own needs (and ourselves) by accommodating them against our own better judgement.

Some situations may already be out of hand, which can demand quite radical boundary setting. If it’s gone too far and the person simply refuses to see your point of view and alter their behaviour, it may be necessary to cut off contact temporarily, if not permanently. It is never healthy to continue to put yourself in the line of fire if you know there is no chance of your point of view ever being respected.

The issue here is never to abandon yourself, to always remember that a demand from another does not necessarily take precedence. It’s not about being selfish and becoming a Bulldozer instead, but about honouring yourself and not allowing others to take advantage. As Janet Bluestein says, “Boundary setting considers the needs of the other person, although it does not always accommodate them. In other words, ‘my way or the highway’ is bulldozing, not boundary setting … Boundary-setting always takes one’s own needs into account and relies on honest and direct communication, (rather than manipulation and clairvoyance).”

For those of you who have been inflicted with the ‘disease to please’, here are some insights from Robert Burney, author of Co-Dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls:

· “We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If you do not respect yourself, if you do not start awakening to your right to be treated with respect and dignity (and your responsibility in creating that in your life) – then you will be more comfortable being involved with people who abuse you than with people who treat you in loving ways.”

· “Learning to set boundaries is a vital part of learning to communicate in a direct and honest manner. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly and honestly.”

· “Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to yourself. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself – to protect yourself when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be loving to yourself without owning yourself – and owning your rights and responsibilities as a co-creator of your life.”

Bottom line, it all comes down to clear communication, stating directlywhat is acceptable to you and what is not. The sooner you do this in any relationship the better, before unhealthy patterns start to form. Don’t confuse this with being defended – there’s no need to race out and set strict boundaries for other people’s behaviour if no issue has arisen. That’s just another form of control. Healthy boundary-setting is done in the moment, in response to your own feelings about the demands that are being placed on you. Remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ – just because someone’s made a request, that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate it.

This week, pay attention to how you’re responding to the many demands on your time and energy. Say ‘yes’ only to those you feel genuinely comfortable with and let the others go. If someone is making you feel pressured or is treating you in an unacceptable way, make clear to them in a calm way what you are comfortable with and what you will not accept. If they persist, there must be consequences. If they don’t adjust their behaviour, make it clear what the consequence will be. Be prepared to stand your ground – do not abandon yourself. It might be a little tough in the beginning, but clear boundaries will reap much greater rewards in the future. Let’s face it, who wants another dysfunctional Christmas? Make this a healthy and a happy one.
If you need an empowering boundary-setting theme song, check out this video of ‘Fight Outta You’ by Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals. Something tells me he’s met a Bulldozer or two …

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=golCPnUiKv4

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Dec 07)

2008-10-27T04:26:00.000-07:00

Life Cycles

Eeek, it’s December already, so Christmas and New Year are just around the corner – how did that happen? I’m sure it was summer only five minutes ago. Oh well, better get with the programme and face up to that time of year when we kiss goodbye to the old one and pray for a better year ahead. Now, you might be thinking that it’s a little early for that kind of stuff – after all, there’s the Christmas party season to do first – but I’m feeling the need to give this year the farewell it truly deserves and to gear up for the new one in a very focused way. Let’s get mindful for a moment, shall we …

There are a lot of tools you can use to help you navigate the times you’re in and one of the most useful ones at this time of year is numerology, which pinpoints the cycle you’ve been in – and more helpfully – the one you’re about to enter. It’s a way of encapsulating an overview of the experiences the past year has held for you and to take a look at what you might expect in the coming one. No matter what the year has held for you, good or bad, it behoves you to pay attention to what’s worked for you and what hasn’t. You take that wisdom with you for the next cycle and with a little forewarning, you can leverage that knowledge by aligning it to the trends you’re experiencing. It’s called going with the flow, but in a very smart way. There’s a Native American proverb that says ‘It’s best to ride the horse in the direction that it’s going’, which, when you think about it is particularly sound advice! Equally, Shakespeare noted in Julius Caesar that ‘There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood leads on to fortune’. Checking out your personal year cycle is one way to get an insight into the way the horse and tide just might be headed.

So, in this particular system, there’s a nine-year cycle that we all repeat. You can work out which is your personal year number by adding the day and month of your birth to the current or coming year and reducing it to a single digit. In my case, with a birthdate of 13 May, that would be 1 + 3 + 5 + 2 + 0 + 0 + 7 = 18, which should be reduced to a single digit, ie 1 + 8 = 9. When you read the descriptions of each year cycle, you’ll get why I’m so keen on giving this year a proper farewell.

1 Personal Year – This is the beginning of a whole new cycle and is a time to initiate things, to take risks, to be open to new opportunities and to bring forth new ideas. It’s a proactive, creative year – great for new projects. Be focused to reap the rewards of this phase.

2 Personal Year – This is a year to consolidate the changes you’ve made in the previous year and to work on building relationships. It’s a good time for introspection and to use the wisdom gained from the previous year’s differing experiences.

3 Personal Year – This can be an expansive, energetic year where you’re more likely to be sociable and make new friends. You’ll want to find new ways to express yourself and to find joy. It’s a great time for networking.

4 Personal Year – In a 4 year you’ll want to be organised and continue with projects you’ve already begun, tying up loose ends. You’ll need to be resourceful to keep developing your projects in a focused way. It’s a time to let go of anything in your life that’s not working for you.

5 Personal Year – This one can be a bit of a rollercoaster, as it offers great opportunity to reap rewards, but if you’re resistant to change you might find that life gives you the extra shove you need. You’ll need to stay flexible to take advantage of what’s on offer. This is a great time to take a risk and try something new.

6 Personal Year – This is the year when relationships are highlighted, in all areas of your life, not just the romantic ones. It’s a time to focus on beauty in your life and to express yourself creatively, as well as to be of service to others. Communication is highlighted and it’s the perfect time to get clear on how to best nurture yourself as well as others.

7 Personal Year – It’s a bit like a sabbatical, so if you have an introspective nature, it’s the perfect year to get in touch with what really matters to you. If looking inward doesn’t come naturally, this is the year to learn more about what makes you tick and what you feel your life purpose is. This one’s the best time to take a retreat, get some spiritual counsel and put your energy into activities that reflect your values.

8 Personal Year – This year brings a return of focus to the outer world, with an emphasis on the material and achievement. To take best advantage of this cycle, you’ll need to be organised and put your affairs in order. There’s a good chance of career advancement, so the energy you put into your work will be rewarded. It’s a time to stay motivated, with your eye on the goal.

9 Personal Year – As a year of completion, the focus is again on your inner world, integrating the lessons of the previous years. It’s a time to let go of old beliefs and physical clutter, to examine the relationships and habits that are working for you and those that aren’t. The best way to approach this phase is to have gratitude for the good and to gracefully let go of the bad, while looking forward positively to the changes the next cycle will bring.

So, there you have it. Get calculating to work out the priorities of the year you’re leaving behind and the one you’re about to experience. You’ve got a little time yet to clean up any messes or do any reflective thinking you might have been putting off. At the very least, an understanding of the cycles should help you to put the experiences of the past year into context, so you can take what’s good from them and leave the rest behind. Then you can really set yourself up for a fabulous year to come!

If you’re interested in knowing a little more about numerology and the personal year, here are a couple of resources:

For instructions on how to calculate your life path number and attitude number go to www.numberslady.com/num.cfm. Glynis McCants also has a regular show on www.hayhouseradio.com if you want to hear more.

For a deeper insight into your personal year, including affirmations and other practices, try www.askalana.com/py/index.html.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 10 Dec 07)

2008-10-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

Wheels Within Wheels

I’ll spare you the full details, but suffice to say it has been a bit of a nightmare getting back online again. The usual rollercoaster of emotions came in to play as it seemed like the problem was solved, then it wasn’t, and all the while deadlines were looming ominously – the past couple of weeks have been uber-stressful, to say the least. Oddly enough, illness, tragedy or even sheer exhaustion have never put the brakes on my writing before, but a crashing laptop has managed to stop me in my tracks. Such is the power of technology …

While we’re on the subject of exhaustion, I have to admit that a recurring pattern of burnout is emerging in my life again. That’s the agony and the ecstasy of psycho-spiritual development – it’s great when you break through one level of a pattern, but not so much fun when it reappears in another guise and you realise you didn’t have quite so much of a handle on it as you might have thought. Bummer!

Yes, it’s rather frustrating, but in reality if you’re wandering around on the planet, you’re guaranteed to still have stuff to be dealing with – beware anyone who claims to have it all sorted. We do what we can and we stay mindful for opportunities to shine light on our blind spots, where the types of self-defeating behaviour that we habitually indulge in lurk. Mine is the classic overdeveloped responsibility/caretaker gene – trying to please everyone, get everything done and meet every demand without taking proper self-care.

I know that pattern exists and I’ve suffered terrible consequences from it – including years of illness with chronic fatigue – and yet on some level, I’m still doing it. No matter how much you know intellectually, until you really begin to live that knowledge in a way that’s deeply integrated into your life, the pattern will continue to re-emerge. As you start working on it, it does crop up less often and you do catch it earlier, but it takes a quantum shift in awareness to shut down a persistent pattern of self-destructive behaviour. While I’m a little frustrated with myself right now, I have now taken the lesson on board at a deeper level than before, which means it will affect not only the way I think, but the way I run my life from now on. The purpose of these kinds of occurrences in our lives is to bring up something that needs to be healed. It might drive us a little crazy along the way, but ultimately it’s the road to a more fulfilling life.

As the philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin notes, “The actual task is to integrate the two threads of one’s life … the within and the without.” If your outer life is incongruent with the values of your inner world, something’s got to give. In my case, it shows up in the things around me – my graphics card on the laptop burned out, which is quite neat symbology, when you think about it – and then it starts to impact my health. Auto-immune issues are symbolically quite fascinating too, when you realise that the inability of the body to maintain its defences reflects the psychological inability to maintain good boundaries.
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It all comes down to self-worth at the end of the day. When you value the demands of others more than you value your own priorities, you’re going to suffer. If you do not provide yourself with the support and self-care that you need, don’t be surprised that there’s a price to pay. If you constantly place yourself in circumstances that undermine your self-worth or are not conducive to your well-being, that will take its toll. The company you keep is a very important aspect. Interestingly enough, I was listening to the financial coach, Suze Orman, the other day, who said something that hit me right between the eyes – “you cannot get involved with others who don’t value you and expect to thrive in your life”.

Even when we know what the problem is, it still takes more self-enquiry to uncover the reasons why we do the self-sabotaging things we do. We need to look at the reasons why we think other people’s priorities or demands are more important than our own, uncover those emotions, realise just how false our assumptions are and start taking action. When you make a commitment to stepping away from sacrifice and move in to creating firmer boundaries, you’ll get an instant response. Those who were around you because you were an easy touch will fall away, those who think they have a right to your time will put up a bit of a fight but will eventually capitulate and your very good friends will be applauding your new-found confidence.

We’re moving in to that time of year when we’re all a bit frazzled and there are plenty of demands from work, family and friends to be juggled. In fact, in a recent Harris Interactive survey, only 15% of people said they were energised by their jobs and a staggering 45% said they were burned out. This December, if you want to avoid burnout, start the month by working out your own plan of self-care. What demands are others placing on you that are unreasonable? How can you rearrange your schedule to drop the things that aren’t urgent or that you genuinely don’t want to do? What are the things that keep you feeling energetic and positive and when can you schedule them in to your day to make sure that you take care of yourself? Who do you need to say no to?

When you have a few minutes, take a look at a problem that keeps popping up in your life. What’s the underlying pattern? Is it the same situation in a different guise? What kinds of symbolic things are showing up – car battery going flat, health issues, keep losing things? What might those occurrences be reflecting back to you? Know that a pattern recurs until you heal the underlying belief that’s sabotaging your life. What is this problem trying to tell you? Get out of victim mode (the one who suffers) and into power mode (the one who has the vision to heal it) and get ready to let that sucker go.

Let’s say adios to our self-sacrificing habits this week and create some much more beautiful patterns that reflect the truth of who we really are.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 3 Dec 07)

2008-10-27T04:20:00.001-07:00

Requiem For A Friend

Due to the sudden demise of my laptop - which will be sadly missed - I Am Fabulous will be a little late this week. Expect an update when I can lay my hands on a new one ...

(Originally posted 27 Nov 07)

2008-10-27T04:16:00.001-07:00

A Slice Of Humble Pie

I’m getting a little lesson of my own in acceptance at the moment. I could be out on the tiles sipping champagne at an awards ceremony with Daniel Craig, but I’m curled up in bed dosing myself with antibiotics instead. It’s not exactly my idea of a fabulous time, but torturing myself with thoughts of where I’d rather be won’t help. Time to make the silk purse out of the sow’s ear, I believe, so let’s check in briefly on the issue of tolerance.

Having spent an inordinate amount of time under the duvet of late, when I’ve not been racking up a rather impressive score on Facebook’s Never-Ending Movie Quiz, I’ve had one eye on the television. Sadly, there’s a huge amount of reality TV on the airwaves at the minute, full of particularly ghastly behaviour. The theme I keep noticing is an outrageous level of intolerance, particularly noticeable in those who are putting themselves out there as models of spiritual behaviour.

On America's Next Top Model there was a bible-thumping wannabe who was the bitchiest woman in town by far, yet she never seemed to grasp the fact that her behaviour was far from Christian. On I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here we have the unique spectacle of peace-loving Lynne Franks, bringing her own particular brand of New Age spirituality to the masses in a frighteningly intolerant way.

For those of you who aren’t up on that particular programme, here’s a quick rundown. Lynne was a leading PR guru here in London, whose New Age leanings were heartily lampooned in Absolutely Fabulous, where she was the inspiration for the madcap, self-obsessed character of Edina. She’s now out in Australia in a reality show that is half survival course, half popularity contest, where she leaves her fellow guests flabbergasted at her strange array of beliefs and practices.

Now, I would normally be championing the woman for her spiritual approach, but she is being so dogmatic and gung-ho in her pursuit of equality and so intent on maintaining her position as the official 'wise woman' of the group that she has become completely intolerant herself. She is utterly humourless, creates drama and conflict by seeing problems where there aren’t any and tries to force her convictions on others. Instead of being a force for good, she’s just making herself into a laughing stock. It’s terribly sad to see.

I respect the fact that Lynne has spent many years understanding, practicing and promoting spiritual traditions from all around the world, but it doesn’t excuse her intolerant approach. True spirituality springs from humility, from the knowledge that none of us have all the answers and that there’s no universal spiritual panacea. We must find our own way and when we do, we can share what we’ve experienced, but cannot expect that it will appeal to everyone else alike. As Victor Hugo wrote, “Toleration is the best religion”.

This week, cast some light on your own core beliefs and how they affect your behaviour. Do you have an open mind? Are you convinced you’re right all the time? Are you forcing others to accept your way of thinking? Has your conviction become humourless? Can you live by the spirit of the law rather than the letter of it? When we’re relaxed in ourselves and our beliefs, we don’t feel the need to police others’ behaviour. Where can you kick back this week and just let something be OK with you?

I’ll leave the final word on tolerance to Paul McCartney – not usually known as a philosopher, but in this case he has a point …

“I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.”

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 19 Nov 07)

2008-10-27T04:12:00.000-07:00

The Great Awakened Elephant

Sometimes the best ideas are right under our noses. The universal Western panacea for boredom is to chase a new experience, but in the East there’s a tradition of self-enquiry that encourages us to sit quietly and observe where we are, to allow insights to arise naturally. Of course we all love fresh experiences – or at the very least shopping for them – but constantly chasing the new for stimulus is a manic, and ultimately unsatisfying, approach.

It’s all too easy to throw the baby out with the bathwater – to think that a new job, relationship, outfit or home would somehow make it all better, giving us a clean slate. Occasionally, that’s exactly what we need to do, but all too often we don’t see the possibilities that could emerge from what we already have. If we take a little time to really sit with what we’re truly experiencing, rather than judging it as all bad just because we’re bored with it, a new twist on an old skill or a way of relating might just emerge. As the Lama Gendun Rinpoche said, “Don’t go into the tangled jungle looking for the great awakened elephant who is already resting quietly at home in front of your own hearth”.

That’s pretty much the theme of one of the most lauded spiritual parables of recent times, Paolo Coelho’s The Alchemist. The protagonist, Santiago, is a shepherd who decides to seek hidden treasure beneath the pyramids where he saw it in a dream, but after a long and arduous journey – and a final clue given to him at the pyramids – he finds it buried where he began. For Santiago, the journey shaped him and gave him wisdom as well as riches, but for many of us charging off down another blind alley is a way of life – we value the excitement of the new over the effort of looking deeper (and differently) at what is already there.

It’s particularly easy to fall into that trap when you find that you’re not enjoying your work, but don’t take the time to work out why. Getting another job or trying a different line of work may seem like the solution, but unless you pay closer attention to what is bothering you and deal with that, no external change will make any real difference. We all go through burnout with any kind of work – and often relationships – but without addressing the core issues we could be throwing away something that could be good again, just because we didn’t look closely enough to see what the real problem was.

If your job is getting you down, start paying less attention to what aggravates you and more attention to how you’d like it to be. The aggravation is just a clue that something is missing – that’s why you’re frustrated – but if you focus too much on the problem, you’ll miss the solution. As Einstein was fond of saying, a problem cannot be resolved at the level of consciousness that created it, meaning you must take an entirely different tack to find a creative solution. Instead of bemoaning the situation, try to imagine what would inspire you to love it again, what new approach you’d find exciting or how you could adapt the way you work to suit your personality more.

Not everything is an awakened elephant hiding out in your hearth, but if you get creative you might just find the inspiration to breathe new life into a situation you thought had completely had its day.

This week, take a look at the area in your life where you feel the most unfulfilled and want to make a change – work, relationships, creativity, finances, health, whatever. Before you make any kind of leap towards an external solution, spend a few moments considering what this might really be about. Is it that you’re not feeling inspired, not getting an opportunity to be creative, don’t feel like you’re being of service the way you’d like to be or feeling misunderstood? What would it take for you to feel happy in this circumstance? Is it the environment, the people, the content, the recognition, the reward or the contribution that needs to be more fulfilling for you?

If it’s a relationship that’s not going well, try to identify what it is that you’d like to have more of, rather than focusing on what’s irritating you today. Is it a deeper connection, more intimacy, more time together, more respect or a shared vision that you’d like have? When you’re clear on what you need, it’s much easier to find ways to make that happen. If you can’t find fulfilment where you are – even after taking the time to look within – then you can be certain that it’s right to move on. Just a little self-awareness can reap rich rewards in finding what makes you truly happy. In the words of Lord Byron, “But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?” Self-knowledge is the fast-track to a fabulous and fulfilling life.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 12 Nov 07)

2008-10-27T04:06:00.000-07:00

Gold In The Darkness

Talking a problem through with a friend this morning, she had one of those big, fat, ‘a-ha’ moments that don’t come too often – the kind where you know you’ve finally made a huge step in unravelling an issue that’s plagued you all your life. What she’s currently going through is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. It’s terribly unfair, demoralising and devastating, yet she’s chosen to step away from the easy road of playing victim and blaming everyone else, to open up to an understanding of the deeper purpose behind the situation and what this might mean for her personally. From the outside it may have looked as though the conversation was the trigger for this flash of enlightenment, but this was a moment she’d been working towards for many years. It’s a bit like those bands that tour for years in clubs all over the country and then suddenly become ‘overnight successes’ with a single song. No-one ever gives you credit for all the work that went before.

There is nothing that will pay more dividends than a willingness to see the deeper meaning behind the events in your life. It gives you an ability to navigate the tough times with a sense of purpose, even if there’s no immediate understanding of why a particular thing has occurred. If you can hold an open mind about disappointment, disillusionment and even tragedy, your willingness to navigate in the dark will be richly rewarded. We’ve all had experiences where what we thought was going to be the worst thing that ever happened actually turned out to be the best thing – relationships that go sour, opening you up to far greater happiness or jobs that are lost, freeing you to pursue a lifelong dream. This isn’t just wishful thinking, but a statistical truth. A US Gallup Poll asked people what was the worst thing that ever happened to them and then asked what was the best thing that ever happened to them. Unsurprisingly, 84% of people surveyed gave the same answer to both questions – the worst thing had become the best thing.

If you’re looking for gold in the dark, you need to be patient and to trust. The answers won’t always be immediately obvious, you can’t always see where an event might be leading you and there’s no guarantee that you’re ever going to understand it all anyway. If you’re thinking that’s hardly a good deal for all the effort you’re putting in, just remember that staying stuck in hurt and blame is a lot more painful. And you can’t have it both ways – either you’re leading a meaningful life or you’re not. Period.

A purposeful life isn’t for sissies. As the transpersonal psychologist, Roberto Assagioli, says “Spiritual development is a long and arduous journey, an adventure through strange lands full of surprises, joy, beauty, difficulties and even dangers.” With a sense of meaning and purpose, even difficulties and dangers can reveal their beauty.

For Helen Keller, who – as we know – endured far more difficulties than most of us will ever have to face in a single lifetime, happiness sprang from her willingness to overcome those challenges with grace. As she noted, “A happy life consists not in the absence but in the mastery of hardships”.

This week, take a look at the persistent problems or big events shaping your life at the moment. If you were willing to believe they held meaning for you, what might that be? If you could gather the strength to let go of something, could you summon the trust to believe that something better lies before you? Where can you see patterns in the difficulties that arise in your life? How could you change the way you’ve been viewing those challenges? If you were an outside observer, what would you notice about yourself in those circumstances? What’s the common thread in all those situations? How do they make you feel?

Be willing to just sit with whatever’s bothering you and let it be OK. Slowly let it reveal its insights to you. Trust that the purpose of your life is to reveal your authentic self and that struggle and pain are often the only ways in which we’ll be willing to relinquish the familiar. Know that holding on won’t work when the tide is against you, so you might as well let go and open to a different kind of flow.

I’ll leave you with some wonderful wisdom stories from Alan Cohen, author of Joy Is My Compass, about how to deal with difficult people and circumstances. He wrote, “You can look upon someone who annoys you as your best friend, for they help you to grow. There is a story about a man in ancient Greece who paid someone fifty drachma a day to walk around and insult him, so he would become strong in the face of criticism. And you may remember Kato, the Chinese houseboy of Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther. Kato would jump out of the closet at random moments and assault him with expert karate moves. Clouseau hired Kato to keep him on his toes.” If you can learn to think of those who bother you as a tribe of Katos, you’re on your way to banking some gold from the shadows of your life.

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 5 Nov 07)

2008-10-27T03:57:00.000-07:00

Resistance Is Futile

Mostly I have no idea of what I’m going to write until I sit down at the keyboard and see what pops up, but occasionally a thread of a story will make itself known to me in vague ways in the run-up to a new I Am Fab becoming due. I’d love to be going into that a bit more right now, but unfortunately I’ve been running into my old nemesis – resistance. It’s any writer’s worst nightmare (and regular companion).

Resistance is a funny thing. It doesn’t matter how much you enjoy something, you can still develop resistance to it. Writers suffer from it a lot, because we know we have to dig deep for creative inspiration and sometimes our minds just don’t want to play ball. That’s when we surf the net, phone friends, do silly tests online or basically utilise any avoidance tactic known to man, rather than just sit down and do it.

Just to be clear, though, today’s resistance comes to you courtesy of that other form of resistance – trying to do something you don’t really enjoy. Before sitting down to a comfy laptop to meander through some juicy topics with you all, I had to knuckle down to a writing job that, for me, feels worse than root canal. On the surface, it’s a nice enough job writing a corporate website, but something in my soul just doesn’t want to pay attention to anything so divergent from where my own interests lie.

So you have an insight into the lengths I will go to in order to avoid doing work I don’t like, here’s a flavour (by no means exhaustive) of what I managed to fit in before I finally forced myself to concentrate and just do it:

Meditate, phone a friend, clear out my email inbox, make a cup of tea for the cleaner, meet a friend for coffee, do a stretch class, have lunch, clear text inbox on mobile phone, chat to another friend, put out garbage, nominate people as ‘most likely to …’ on Facebook, make a casserole, do laundry, check email again, look up old music producer friend on Google, give wardrobe advice to friend abroad, eat casserole that’s been cooking for 4 hours and do even more stupid time-wasting stuff on Facebook. Oh, and then I actually did some work.

Normally, such a high level of resistance can only really take hold if you're working for yourself. The downside of managing your own time means you can really make a pig's ear of it and you're the only one that suffers for it. The client still gets the work done even if you have to do it late at night because you've goofed about all day. If you're in an office, there's no such luxury of torturing yourself with industrial strength resistance, although plenty of displacement activities do look like work – it's just that they're probably not the actual work you were supposed to be doing. Then there's the not-so-small matter of being distracted by others.

Now, it may look like some of the time other people were distracting me, but in reality I was absolutely enabling the distraction. As Steven Pressfield, who’s written the defining book on creativity called The War Of Art, puts it, resistance is internal. He writes “Resistance seems to come from outside ourselves. We locate it in spouses, jobs, bosses, kids. ‘Peripheral opponents’, as Pat Riley used to say when he coached the Los Angeles Lakers. Resistance is not a peripheral opponent. Resistance arises from within. It is self-generated and self-perpetuated. Resistance is the enemy within.”

It may be the inner saboteur, but sometimes resistance shows us what’s right for us and what’s not. Today’s little battle with it has clearly pointed out that I need to focus more on work that I enjoy, because it’s too darned hard to do the stuff that I don’t like! As a friend noted in one of today’s many chats, “wouldn’t it be so much easier just to be motivated by money?”. Amen to that. If that were the motivator for me I’d be pumping the stuff out in record time, but unfortunately I need to feel inspired by the content of what I’m doing, not just the paycheck. Bummer!

Well, the upside is that resistance has helped me clarify what I need to avoid in future. However, it doesn’t always work that way. We often resist what we most need to do, so the art lies in being able to interpret your feelings around what it is that you’re resisting. If it’s just fear or not wanting to apply yourself, that’s probably common or garden resistance, the ten-a-penny kind we get when we just can’t be asked to do something. If it’s Olympic standard resistance like today’s effort, then you need to be asking yourself if you’re avoiding it because you genuinely don’t like it or you’re just daunted by the size of the task.

Steven Pressfield’s rule of thumb is that “the more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.” He goes on to say, “Like a magnetised needle floating on a surface of oil, resistance will unfailingly point to true north – meaning that calling or action it most wants to stop us doing. We can use this. We can use it as a compass, We can navigate by resistance, letting it guide us to that calling or action that we must follow before all others.”

This week, take a look at what you’re resisting in life and put it to the test. Are you resisting a soul’s desire or simply having trouble dealing with something that’s not really for you? Are you afraid to take the leap to bring something into manifestation? Are you avoiding facing up to a relationship issue? Is there something that needs to be said at work? Pay attention to what you’re resisting – it’s trying to tell you something.

Maybe next week I’ll get around to telling you the fabulous story that was floating around in my brain in between all those avoidance strategies …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 29 Oct 07)

2008-10-27T03:52:00.000-07:00

In The Now

Listening to Richard Moss talking about his new book, The Mandala of Being, on a www.hayhouseradio.com programme this week, it reminded me of the real reason why I prize spontaneity above all things. At a surface level, pleasures that arrive by surprise always seem more joyful than those that were expected, yet the power of spontaneity to lift the spirit lies in its focus on the present moment.

As Richard Moss explains, “There are only four possible directions your mind can carry you at the instant you leave the here and now of yourself.” Those directions are the past, the future, judgement of self or judgement of others. In the centre of those directions is the present moment, which he says “can ultimately be understood as the place of our deepest awareness, what is called in some traditions, the Higher Self, or the Holy Self. It is presence: a fully alert, yet completely relaxed and spacious attention where no thought separates you from your experience. This is our true self, where who we really are begins anew every instant.”

While it’s true there are gifts to be found by focusing on the past or the future, as well as knowledge from discernment (rather than judgement) of self and others, the ‘now’ is where we really want to hang out if we’re interested in living as our authentic self. Dwelling on the past can lead us down sad avenues that no longer serve us, or convince us that the future can only bring more of the unhappiness already experienced. Living in future time defers our happiness, as we wait for something outside of ourselves to occur before we can be content with our lives. Judgement of the self demoralises and demotivates us, while judgement of others keeps us separate, disconnected and lonely.

The power to enjoy what you have and to create more of what you enjoy lies only in the present moment, which is why mindfulness is the true path to happiness. When you have an awareness of where your mind is wandering, you gain the power to redirect it back into the present moment, the only place where authenticity lives. You become free to experience life with a sense of enchantment – relaxing control and allowing events to unfold.

Living authentically in the present moment – unbound by past, future or judgement – is a mystical experience, as described by the poet E E Cummings, who wrote “We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

As he so rightly points out, true spontaneity arises not from irresponsibility, but from a deep inner trust and sense of self-worth. I’d argue that we don’t always need someone else to awaken us to our own sense of value or sacredness, but sadly that’s probably true, given the social conditioning we’ve all experienced. We’re more likely to have been criticised than found valuable or sacred, particularly if we’re marching to the beat of a different drum from the god of endless activity and productivity. George Santayana, the poet and philosopher, endorsed the delights of the present moment when he wrote,“To condemn spontaneous and delightful occupations because they are useless for self-preservation shows an uncritical prizing of life irrespective of the content.”

So, this week, we are prizing the content of life. We are looking to immerse ourselves in things that fully occupy us in joyful ways, to be curious, to throw the diary to the wind and to follow our whims to see where they might lead us. If we find ourselves in the past or the future, our magical path back to the present moment is to remind ourselves of the things we are most grateful for in our lives right now. If judgement of self or others crops up, we can return to a more mindful state by focusing on what we appreciate about ourselves or the other person in the here and now.

Mindfulness is a challenge. It won’t be easy, because our minds do love a wander, but there’s fun and spontaneous pleasure awaiting you if you can just keep turning your attention to right here, right now. Stay out of the past and let the future take care of itself – it might just surprise you in a fabulous way!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 22 Oct 07)

2008-10-27T03:47:00.000-07:00

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

This week I have mostly been having way too much fun to think seriously about anything, so I’m just going to cut myself some slack and pass on a brief few words on the subject of happiness before I head out again …

· Get the balance right in your life between structure and freedom. Part of what I’m loving most about this time in my life is that there’s plenty of room for spontaneity, but an empty canvas can often lead to boredom if you’re not self-motivated. Find out what you need to make your life interesting and make room for it.

· You know you’re in the flow when coincidences are commonplace and magical things begin to happen. You get there by appreciating every moment you can and expecting a positive outcome, whatever you’re doing.

· Positive belief in yourself begets confidence, but it can take a lot of repetition to break down old, ingrained thoughts. Keep slogging at it even when you’re not seeing results, because suddenly you just might get a breakthrough. Consistency is what counts.

· Watch your energy. When you feel it drop, pay attention to your thoughts. If you’ve slipped into a pattern of self-defeating thinking, deliberately focus on something uplifting. Your mood will follow your thoughts.

· Never underestimate the power of laughter. Sheer, unmitigated silliness is a vital key to keeping your energy high and reminding you never to take anything too seriously. Play a lot and laugh out loud.

Now, in the interests of giving you the best ever toy to keep you entertained for hours, I hereby introduce you to my current fave wheeze … Bombay TV!

Using this link, http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.php, you can create your very own silly sub-titled Bollywood film clips. All you need is a Monty Python-esque sense of humour and you’re ready to play film director. The site gives you a selection of clips to choose from and when you’ve picked one, it plays the clip to show you where the sub-titles fit. Type in the words you want the actors to say and play it back to make sure you’re happy with your masterpiece. When you are, give it a name and send it to yourself and all your friends. It does come with a health warning, though – it’s seriously addictive!

Here’s one I made earlier, to get you in the groove …

http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index.php?module=see&lang=fr&code=8dc42a622e8c2b6d23045a5c0c7851c8

Have a fabulous week with your own private Bollywood fringe festival!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 15 Oct 07)

2008-10-27T03:43:00.000-07:00

Scary Monsters

I love all things quirky and nobody does it better than Louis Theroux. He’s on a quest to expose the most eccentric forms of human behaviour, via his documentaries for the BBC, in his own curiously laid-back style. Last night’s programme focused on the modern plague of plastic surgery and – in the interests of understanding the addiction to going under the knife – he even had some lipo of his own. That’s above and beyond the call of duty in my book, but he does tend to do total immersion in his subject.

A woman of only 26 was a plastic surgeon’s receptionist, so she’d already had numerous procedures and was moving on to breast realignment, lipo for the love handles and a nose job only a few months after what seemed to be a completely unnecessary tummy tuck. Another woman went for a complete body makeover in the hopes of getting her astonishingly shallow boyfriend back, but the ones who scared me the most were the men.

One guy looked like he’d been stuck in a wind tunnel for years with a face that was pinned back so tight it was a wonder he could speak, but the saddest case was the man in his fifties who’d clearly had plenty of facial work, plus implants in his pecs, a tummy tuck and bicep implants to make his arm muscles look bigger. Louis’ very innocent style of interviewing lulled him into revealing that he’d been called an ‘ugly bastard’ by his stepfather for years and still saw himself that way, hence all the effort he put into sculpting his appearance. Although he’d had therapy, there was still an enormous gaping hole in his self-esteem that he thought plastic surgery could fill.

That poor man will probably spend the rest of his life – and his bank balance – trying to overcome his lack of self-worth by applying a cure that will never work. Nothing that is based solely on external appearance and approval by others will ever make a person with low self-esteem feel good for any length of time. It’s a quick fix that’s ultimately detrimental if it masks the need to address a lack of self-acceptance and self-love. Renovating the outer without taking a look at the inner is just throwing a bit of window-dressing over the problem, and the same issues will continue to erupt in your life no matter how much money you throw at them.

If you find it difficult to accept yourself as you are, by all means work on the outer issues that bother you, but never forget that the real work is done inside your own mind. It’s not always possible to forget the types of taunts that man endured as a child, but it is possible to transform the relationship you have with those kinds of memories. What matters is not what occurred, but what we make it mean about us.

We can choose to live as though unkind words are the truth about us, or we can choose to see them as thoughtless and insensitive comments from people who were incapable of acting kindly towards us. When we unhook ourselves from the belief that we were treated badly because we deserved it, we free ourselves to become self-accepting and ultimately to develop a degree of self-love. Then, what we think about ourselves becomes far more important than what others think of us.

As Phillip Moffit wrote recently in Yoga Journal, “Transform does not mean to fix or make go away whatever trauma and scars you may be carrying from childhood: instead, you slowly develop a new relationship with your difficulty, such that it is no longer a controlling factor in your life.”

There’s no denying it’s a process that can take some time, but when you liberate yourself from the stories you’ve been told about who you are – and have continued to tell yourself over and over – those emotional scars can fade away. Like all scars, they’ll still be there, but they’ll have much less power to affect you. Then you can begin the work of building your own self-worth from within and become the authentic self you were always meant to be.

The effect of this kind of confidence is best described by the Dalai Lama, who has said, “With the realisation of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world. According to my experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of one's own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing negative qualities.”

Not just this week, but every week, try to excavate at least one lie about who you are from the vaults of your memory and see it for what it is – someone else’s projection. So often people don’t even remember the comments that have wounded us, because they were said in anger, in passing or simply out of plain spite, yet we take them to heart and wound ourselves over and over with those words.

Especially, don’t let the words of someone you neither liked nor respected steal your sense of self-worth. Learn to let other people’s poison wash away and keep your self-esteem intact. This goes as much for the present as for the past. Make your opinion of yourself the priority and let other people’s judgements be seen for what they are – reflections of their own insecurities, projected on to you.

Be kind to yourself with what you perceive to be your failings and learn to celebrate your good qualities. Know that out of some of our most painful experiences the greatest wisdom can grow. The poet Antonio Machado knew this when he wrote, “I dreamt last night, oh marvellous error, that there were honey bees in my heart, making honey out of my old failures.”

Dream some honey bees tonight and let your heart – not your surgeon – do the work.

2008-10-27T03:40:00.000-07:00

Wake Up & Smell The Coffee

This week’s I Am Fab is going to be a short, sharp burst of inspiration – rather than the customary rambling affair – due to a far too fabulous birthday celebration yesterday. Give me a whiff of champagne and I’m party central, which is of course fun, but does leave one with slightly less enthusiasm for concentration the following day. However, inspiration struck in one of many fizz-fuelled conversations during the afternoon and evening of festivities, when the birthday girl asked a very interesting question: what’s the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?

Of course, our mindset in the earliest part of the day really sets the tone for how the rest of the day will unfold. If you kick off grouchy or stressed, no prizes for guessing the day can only get worse. If you make a conscious effort to focus on positive or peaceful thoughts, you’re laying the foundation for a calmer, happier experience throughout the day.

If you’re a regular reader, you’ll have already surmised that meditation is the first cab off the rank for me in the morning – that and recalling any fragments of dreams that are still lurking about in a sleepy morning mind. It’s always useful to pay attention to what’s going on in your dreams, not only because it’s one way that your subconscious helps you to solve problems or bring to conscious awareness issues that are troubling you, but also because some of our best and clearest intuitive messages can come through dreams.

So, here’s the deal: this week, take the first five minutes of every day to notice what’s going on in your night life by remembering your dreams and writing down any that seem significant. If you don’t do this almost immediately upon waking, you’ll find that the memory of the dream will slip away. The more you do this, the more you will learn your own personal language of dream symbolism, making it a powerful channel for intuitive messages and personal awareness.

Secondly, notice your mood and make a conscious effort to either enhance a naturally good mood or uplift yourself from grumpy grouch mode. One easy way to do this is to pick three things to concentrate on: think about someone that you’re grateful to have in your life; imagine doing something you’ve always wanted to do; and, finally plan a treat – however small – that you’re committed to giving yourself that day. That should get your thoughts on an upward spiral!

If you’re so inclined, go for gold and get in a mini-meditation, by simply focusing on your breath and clearing your mind. Every time thoughts arise, return your focus to your breath. Don’t try too hard, just notice when you’ve become distracted without getting hung up on it. The aim of the game is peacefulness, not perfection. Give yourself the gift of stillness and it’ll pay dividends you cannot yet imagine.

Have a fabulous week and notice what a difference even small changes like these can make.

2008-10-27T03:37:00.000-07:00

Feed Your Spirit

This is the 100th I Am Fab, so it’s probably a good time to revisit some basics. Right now I’m noticing quite a few people around me who are suffering from various forms of burnout. For some it’s just a low-level exhaustion that never seems to lift and others are failing to pay attention to the universe’s not-so-subtle attempts to get them to slow down. Here’s a clue – if you’ve got an illness or an injury, chances are you need to rest. It’s not an invitation to do as much as usual or even more!

Not only do we fail to pick up on the messages from our body along the way, even when we’re incapacitated we just can’t seem to grasp the concept that life is telling us to put our feet up for a while. There is nothing admirable about dragging yourself around, trying to keep up a gung-ho schedule when you’re meant to be taking care of yourself. We seem to have lost the art of acceptance when it comes to slowing down the pace of life and taking time out for ourselves.

We all need a balance between external activity and relaxation, and that balance is very personal. Some of us who are more extrovert find that our energy is restored by spending time with friends, yet others may find that they only truly relax on their own. It’s up to each of us to discover what replenishes our energy and to make sure that we create opportunities to take advantage of that.

There’s a pervasive belief that ‘good’ people are always giving, but the truth of the matter is that it’s not sustainable. You need to give to yourself, to fill up at the well of your own replenishment, in order to have anything left to give to others. It’s not a selfish act to take care of yourself – ultimately, it does no good to anyone to exhaust yourself and make yourself ill.

The real trick is learning to catch burnout before it rears its ugly head. When you’re in a cycle of doing everything for others and nothing for yourself, it’s easy to believe that there’s no time for anything else, especially doing what you love. That kind of manic, driven behaviour is precisely what creates a miserable life and potentially injury and illness. When we do things out of duty and sacrifice, we suck the joy out of life and end up just going through the motions.

Taking a little time out each day to feed your spirit by doing the small things that lift your mood will restore a sense of peace and make you feel connected to your purpose, ensuring that you stay energised and inspired. A poor sense of self-worth will tell you that you need to fulfil your obligations to others first, or that you don’t deserve to take time for yourself. To build a healthy self-esteem – and steer clear of burnout – you need to learn to treat yourself as well as you treat others. When you honour yourself, you are giving a clear signal to yourself and others that you value yourself and you deserve to be treated well. The more you do this, the more those self-defeating and self-destructive driven behaviours will fall away – and the happier and healthier you will be.

If you’ve already overdone it, learn to accept where you are right now. Pushing through it won’t help. If you need to slow down, then do it – and do it gracefully. Don’t sit about feeling miserable about the enforced rest. Use the time in a positive way, reading books you’ve meant to read for ages, using the time for creative pursuits or thinking deeply about where you really want your life to be heading.

This week, check the balance between activities that are outward-focusing and those that restore your energy or bring you inner peace. If it’s all for others and your schedule is jammed, start building in mini-breaks during the day to do whatever it takes to feel you’ve carved out some time for yourself. Take a walk, phone a friend, go out for lunch instead of sitting at your desk, look for a new class to sign up for, rent a movie or get a manicure. Pay attention to what helps you relieve stress: meditation, exercise, fresh air, painting, dancing, going to new places – the list is endless, so explore the ones that work for you.

We’re hunkering down for the autumn now, so this time of year is perfect to explore new hobbies and to remind yourself of your ‘someday’ list of things you’ve always wanted to do. Just make a start by trying something different and you’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel.
Oh, and if I Am Fab has made a difference in your life during these last hundred chronicles, drop me a line and let me know. It would be fabulous to hear your stories.

2008-10-27T03:33:00.000-07:00

Eat Me

Life here in Fab Towers has taken on a gentler pace over the last few days, due to a resurgence of sciatica – literally a pain in the arse. It’s not exactly the most fun I’ve ever had in bed, but if life incapacitates you, I have learned that you might as well enjoy the ride rather than try to fight it. After indulging in the classic tacky TV free-for-all, watching the kind of junk that is oh so satisfying when you’re feeling under the weather, the enforced rest has given me the opportunity to savour a gem of a book about love, sex and the art of eating, called Eat Me.

Its food-savvy author, Alexandra Antonioni, weaves together real life stories and wisdom about dating and mating with fabulous recipes for each stage of a romance, from first flirtation to final curtain. Her own personal insights are definitely worth the read, but for I Am Fab purposes, there’s real mileage in the collective wisdom she has gathered while researching the attraction stage.

Discussing what men look for when seeking a long-term partner, she recounts “The kind of women they want to date take good care of themselves and how they look, but apparently it is not about having the perfect body or looking like the models in the fashion mags (airbrushed within an inch of their skinny, cellulite-free, digitally-enhanced, irritating selves), it is about confidence. If you look good, you will feel good, ergo you will be upbeat, friendly and approachable. If you make no effort with yourself, why should anyone make an effort with you? So it’s not about being a perfect 10, it’s about being the best that you possibly can be, no matter what you weigh, how old you are or how much money you have.”

Exactly. And what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. That’s what we go for in guys too – someone who’s relaxed and happy with themselves. Confidence is an aphrodisiac. As Sophia Loren put it, “Sex appeal is 50 per cent what you’ve got and 50 percent what people think you’ve got”.

Acceptance is the issue here. If you spend your time worrying that you don’t look like someone else – particularly the aforementioned irritating, airbrushed models – you’ll never learn to make the best of what you have. When you can value your own particular brand of beauty, you’ll have the kind of confidence that is unshakeable. That means learning to love your quirks, play up your assets and play down the rest. It means knowing that what you have to offer is far more than just how you look – it’s how you can make someone feel; how fascinating or charming your presence can be.

Let’s try an asset audit this week. What are the top three attractions you have in looks, temperament and talents? Is it humour, humility or heartfelt empathy that’s your primary asset? What would your friends say they love about you? If you don’t know, ask around. Check with a good friend – preferably one whose style you admire – to see what he or she would love to see you wear. Maybe you’ll get some new style ideas and see your body through kinder eyes than your own.

The French have way of describing relaxed confidence as someone who seems ‘bien dans sa peau’ – literally good in their skin. You cannot be truly confident until you love the skin you’re in – and everything that goes with it. Knowledge is power, so start paying attention to what really works for you and start working it, baby!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 17 Sep 07)

2008-10-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

Top Dog

On one of our regular forays in the search for the perfect carrot cake with a friend the other day, we ran into another acquaintance of hers on the High Road. There’s nothing particularly remarkable about this woman that would, on the surface, justify a strong reaction, yet whenever I meet her I feel uneasy and can’t wait to get out of her presence. I’ve long since learned to pay attention those kind of energetic ‘hits’, because you ignore them at your peril. If your radar is trying to tell you something, the smart option is to listen.

Now I’m not saying that there’s anything particularly amiss with that person, but that she does have the kind of intense, nervous energy that isn’t a good fit for me. That understanding has bubbled up to a conscious level in this case, but we are making vast numbers of unconscious decisions based on energy throughout our day, rarely stopping to comprehend why we like, trust or dislike someone almost at first sight.

We’re not used to talking in energetic terms about human relationships, but Cesar Millan, the ‘dog whisperer’ bases his seemingly magical skill of dealing with problem animals on the energetics of communication. As he says “I’m happy to report that the universal language of Dr Doolittle already exists. And humans didn’t invent it. It’s a language that all animals speak without even knowing it, including the human animal. What’s more, all animals are actually born knowing this language instinctually. Even human beings are born fluent in this universal tongue, but we tend to forget it because we are trained from childhood to believe that words are the only way to communicate. The irony is, even though we don’t think we know the language, we are speaking it all the time. Unknowingly, we are broadcasting in this tongue 24/7! Other species of animals can still understand us, even though we may not have a clue how to understand them. They read us loud and clear, even when we’re unaware that we’re communicating! This truly universal, interspecies language is called energy.”

Describing how the interplay of energy works in a societal sense in his book, Cesar’s Way, Millan goes on to say “When it comes to energy, we humans have much more in common with animals than we usually like to admit. Imagine one of the most ruthless jungles in the human world – the high school cafeteria. Picture it as a watering hole where different species – in this case, the cliques of jocks, nerds and stoners – peacefully intermingle. Then a bully ‘accidentally’ bumps into a smaller guy’s food tray. The energy released by that interaction will ripple right through the room … Let’s say the little guy in the cafeteria is having a bad day. He’s failed two tests in a row and is in a weak state of mind. He happens to look up and accidentally catch the eye of the bully. Maybe the bully was just minding his own business, but as soon as he picks up on the weaker guy’s diminished energy, the whole dynamic between them changes in a split second. In the animal kingdom, that’s called survival of the fittest.”

One of the most striking observations made by Millan is the recognition of the kind of energy we respond to in and demand of our leaders. As in the animal kingdom, leadership energy is recognised as calm and assertive. As he says, “Right or wrong, we in America expect our leaders to project a dominant powerful energy, like that of a Bill Clinton or a Ronald Reagan. Some powerful leaders project a charismatic energy that infects and energises everyone around them – consider Tony Robbins. Martin Luther King Jr projected an energy that was what I call ‘calm assertive’ – the ideal energy for a leader.”

If you watch his television show, you’ll see Millan gaining instant respect and obedience from even the most troubled of dogs by projecting that kind of leadership energy. From my own leadership experience, I've found that challenges to your authority tend to come on the days when you’re feeling less confident in yourself and rarely arise when you feel comfortable in your role as leader. Calm, assertive energy instils confidence in others, so everyone relaxes.

Leader or not, start paying attention to the kind of energy you’re projecting. Notice if your energy is fractious or stressed and see what kind of effect that has on those around you. Particularly notice what happens when you’re around your friends, work colleagues or family – whose energy do you most respond to and how would you describe it? If you’re aiming for promotion, remember that calm, assertive energy is a universal leadership style – looking frazzled may give others the signal that you’re very busy, but it won’t make them feel confident that you can cope. A cool, calm and collected energy is the one to cultivate. Let’s all play at being top dog this week!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 10 Sep 07)

2008-10-27T03:19:00.000-07:00

The Little Things

It’s always surprising to find that real satisfaction tends to come in the smaller, more spontaneous moments rather than from the big things you spend time planning to get. So much of our focus is on goals and getting what we want, yet the real pleasures in life often fall in the spaces in between – shining moments of unalloyed pleasure, effortless and peaceful.

The novelist, Maeve Haran, has entered the ranks of the happiness gurus with a tome on that very subject, entitled Froth On The Cappucino. She argues that “an appreciation of the ordinary things in life is one of the best gifts because they’re always there for us … when you look around, you find that every day is filled with objects of beauty. All we have to do is notice them.”

She names warm towels, buying flowers for yourself, being met from a journey, sitting in a park and getting a really good haircut as some of the best little things in life, along with looking up an old friend. While the success of Facebook would attest to reconnecting with long-lost friends being a universal pleasure, I would suggest that some friendships are lost for a reason.

In Maeve Haran’s world, “friendship is an amazing tapestry that grows through life”. She recalls being “disgusted when a life coach suggested discarding friends who were no longer positive influences in your life.” Hmm. I’m all for the Pollyanna approach, but having a rigid expectation that all friendships – or relationships – will stay the course is a fast-track to disillusionment.

Good, deep friendships can sustain us for the whole of our lives, but even then they’re not without their ups and downs and our sense ofcloseness isn’t always a constant. It’s the same with intimate relationships – you may always love your partner, but you don’t always like them. Quite frankly, we don’t even always like ourselves, so expecting to adore our friends and partners 24/7 is a pretty big ask.

Again, just like an intimate relationship, you also know when a friendship has run its course. Some people come into your life because you’ve bonded over work or a shared interest and when that comes to an end, you often find that there’s not really enough in common outside of that to sustain the connection. Or you can simply grow apart, as your interests take you in different directions. Even more importantly, you can outgrow a friend who is self-centred, judgemental or jealous. There is absolutely no justification for hanging on to a friendship that’s destructive, however long-standing it may be.

None of us let go of friendship lightly and very often we will persevere long beyond the sell-by date of a toxic friendship. It is not a failure and certainly not ‘disgusting’ to let these relationships fall away. We know the difference between a friendship that’s having a bad patch and one that’s just bad. Hanging on for the sake of a belief that friendships should last a lifetime is self-destructive.

When we have rigid rules about how things should be, these are the true enemies of happiness. We enter the world of sacrifice, doing what we ‘should’ do and not what we feel is right. Authenticity, joy and spontaneity cannot exist where sacrifice rules.

This week, take a look at the immutable laws you live by and see if any of those rules have you hanging on to a way of life, a relationship, a friendship or a habit that no longer serves you. What could you let go of, if you let yourself off the hook? Where are you sacrificing what you want to do, for what you think you should do? Where are you settling for what you can get, rather than what you want?

And where are you failing to see the small pleasures, the little things that make life worthwhile? What are your top three small joys that lift your mood and bring you pure joy? We may not agree on everything, but Maeve Haran and I are as one on the joy of cappuccino – there’s nothing more fabulous than savouring that chocolatey froth!

2008-10-27T03:15:00.000-07:00

Retrosexual Rules!

Now that I’m living at a more laid-back pace, I get to hang out a lot more at my favourite restaurant, Annie’s, and sometimes there’s an added bonus of guy candy to brighten my day. Friday’s treat came in the form of half the England rugby team popping by for a slap-up brunch. My, they are a strapping bunch – and don’t they make footballers look like beta males!

Not being a sports fan, my impression of rugby players was cast in stone many years ago on long, boring teenage afternoons of being forced to watch short, squat males with thighs the size of sequoia tree trunks ramming into each other on the pitch. It’s given me a life-long aversion to any form of sport and particularly Neanderthal-looking men. That’s why the England rugby players were such a delightful surprise. They looked well-built, manly and personable – a far cry from the intellectually-underachieving prop forwards of my mis-spent youth.

If football considers itself the beautiful game, it’s now got some tough competition in the shape of classically retrosexual rugby. As Newsweek describes it, retrosexuals are “men who shun metrosexuality, with its often feminine aesthetic, in favour of old-school masculinity.” And, quite frankly, thank god they do. Who wants a man who spends more time in the bathroom than you do?

In the gender wars of the late 20th century, the rise of feminism has left a lot of men struggling to adapt to a world where masculine traits are not valued and they’re pilloried for not having a feminine level of emotional intelligence or a fashion sense to die for like all of our gay friends. I’m beginning to think this is one case where the rule of ‘don’t wish too hard for what you want or then you might get it’ absolutely applies. Some of us are finally realising that we don’t want men to be shopping companions, gossipy confidantes or househusbands – in fact, we’d quite like them to be … men.

One piece of unforgettable wisdom from Marianne Williamson, the author of A Return To Love, is that – whatever the form of the intimate relationship – there will always be a man and a woman in that relationship, in the sense of the partners playing out the masculine and feminine roles. This has nothing to do with gender or sexuality and everything to do with an enduring relationship being a counterbalance of those two energies.

A friend told me a while ago how, in her native New Zealand, as women became more successful (particularly in politics) and took on more masculine characteristics, their men became more passive and sensitive, tending to become the ones who stayed at home and looked after the children. Rather than a question of who should embody those roles, it’s more of an indication that Marianne Williamson is right on the money – the emotional male/female balance of a relationship will seek to sustain itself, regardless of whether it’s the man or the woman who’s playing the masculine or feminine role.

Given that I’m on a one-woman mission to honour the feminine, you’ll have no trouble guessing why retrosexual men are so appealing. It’s about time we got comfortable with the fact that men and women are different and sought to see the inherent value in both sexes, rather than trying to make them conform with each other.

This week, try getting retrosexual, whatever your gender. Let’s celebrate the joys of being a girl or let it all hang out on the masculine front in an anti-metrosexual revolt. Let’s think ‘boys will be boys’ with a secret smile, rather than a glare of disapproval. We don’t expect them to understand why we need a vast array of shoes or handbags, so let’s not quibble over that strange guy stuff either. It might not be our cup of tea, but perhaps we should be very thankful for that!

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 27 Aug 07)

2008-10-27T03:09:00.000-07:00

In The Spotlight

At the first taping of the new Marc Wootton Project at the BBC on Friday, he introduced some inspired new comedy characters, including a gloriously ghastly American called Candy, who makes Jackie Stallone look positively normal. My favourite, though, was the marvellously insipid Peter, who’s so convinced he’s becoming a vampire that he keeps a video blog of his supposed transformation and attaches wheelies to his trainers to perfect his Dracula-like glide. Watching him attempt suicide by garlic was a moment of comedic genius.

That brings me neatly to the subject of this week’s I Am Fab – just getting the outfit right isn’t enough. Despite Peter’s purchase of the requisite cape and bowtie – and his conviction that his hair is receding into a widow’s peak – looking like a vampire doesn’t necessarily make him one. The outfit definitely helps, but if you don’t have the skills or the inner confidence, you’re not going to convince anyone else, however appropriately-dressed you might be.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for confidence is the fear of how we’re being perceived or judged by other people. The reason that public speaking is the number one phobia for most of us is that it taps directly into this fear of exposing ourselves and being humiliated by the harsh judgements of others. Yet that fear is based on the largely false assumption that people are paying attention to us and would actually remember our faux pas.

Research from Cornell University would beg to differ. A few years ago they did a trial where a student would enter a room wearing an ‘embarrassing’ T-shirt – featuring Barry Manilow, a face unlikely to improve your street cred – and was asked to estimate how many people had noticed the shirt. The self-conscious Manilow shirt-wearers assumed a figure of about half the room, but the actual number who’d paid attention to the sartorial shocker was under a quarter. In later experiments, the same researchers found that people’s fears lead them to exaggerate the number of people who had actually noticed them by up to six times. This wild exaggeration of external perception is known as the ‘Spotlight Effect’.

Tom Gilovitch, one of the Cornell psychologists who identified the Spotlight Effect, has found the same misperceptions in a number of situations, including group discussions, where people routinely overestimated the impact of their gaffes or clever comments. He notes, “The fact is that others do not notice us as much as we think they do.”

The benefit to us in terms of confidence is that the truth will set you free – if you know that hardly anyone’s watching, you don’t need to be so self-conscious. It’s liberating to know that you’re not being closely observed and that the perceptions others have of you are probably nowhere near as harsh as you’re assumed them to be. In fact, not only are most people not judging you, they’re probably not even paying attention at all.

Gilovitch put this to the test in another study with students who were asked to make a three-minute speech with five minutes to prepare. One group was given vague reassurance that it would all be OK and the other was given research findings noting that speakers “feel that their nervousness is transparent, but in reality their feelings are not so apparent to observers. If you become nervous, you’ll probably be the only one to know”. Unsurprisingly, the second group was significantly more lucid and less nervous, as rated by outside judges.

So now you know that hardly anyone is paying attention to your nervousness, self-consciousness or faux pas, what could you be doing that you’ve put off out of fear? Is there something you’ve always wished you could do, but were afraid of making a fool of yourself? Can you be a bit bolder in the way you express yourself? Where can you challenge yourself to speak up? What’s the wild idea lurking in your secret heart? This week, rest in the comfort of knowing that there’s absolutely no point in being nervous or inhibited about taking a stand or being yourself – the odds are no-one’s watching anyway.

Remember this rule from in Roger Rosenblatt’s Book of Ageing:

"Rule #2 - Nobody is thinking about you.

Yes, I know, you are certain that your friends are becoming your enemies; that your grocer, garbageman, clergyman, sister-in-law, and your dog are all of the opinion that you have put on weight, that you have lost your touch, that you have lost your mind; furthermore, you are convinced that everyone spends two-thirds of every day commenting on your disintegration, denigrating your work, plotting your assassination. I promise you: Nobody is thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves—just like you."

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk.All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 20 Aug 07)

2008-10-27T03:04:00.000-07:00

Brand U

It’s always gratifying when your convictions are borne out by research. At Chez Fab the watchwords are authenticity, individuality and style, and it appears that qualities such as these are now being recognised as keys to success in the workplace.

At first, the study by University of California researchers might seem a little depressing, as it reveals that those deemed the most attractive make 12% more money than those regarded as less goodlooking. However, it’s not just down to looks. The main reason for this beauty premium is that attractive people are perceived to be more helpful and co-operative.

The conclusion from the research is that attractive people make more money because they find it easier to encourage co-operation among their co-workers. One theory arising from the research is that others are more co-operative with attractive people because they believe them to be more helpful.

Work strategist Catherine Kaputa, author of U R A Brand, suggests “Good looks have what social scientists call the halo effect. Because someone is attractive, we assign many other positive attributes to him or her that have nothing to do with looks”.

Among her top tips for success are:

- Package yourself: clothes will not help you perform, but will help how your performance is perceived.
- Emphasise features: be confident about your looks and build a strong image.
- Have a trademark: think Bono’s shades or Sir Robin Day’s bow ties. Stand out from the crowd.
- Focus on ‘soft power’: use your values, style and point of view to attract others to you.
- Hone your speech: the ability to sell yourself and your ideas is critical.

All this reinforces the age old PR truth that perception is everything. It’s not about whether you’re actually the best-looking person in the room, but it is about whether you’re the most striking individual in the room. Physical beauty counts, but so does style, presentation, intelligence and confidence.

This week, take an audit of how well you’re making the most of your assets. Are your clothes the same old, same old? Could you do with a bit of wardrobe revamp? Is your image strong or wishy-washy? Is there anything about your style that’s memorable? What would be your signature look? Focus on your values and viewpoints too – be bold and stand up for what you believe. And never underestimate the power of being genuinely helpful – attractive people are treated positively because we believe they possess the stellar quality of kindness. That alone is enough to make you fabulously attractive …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 14 Aug 07)

2008-10-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

The Sacred & The Profane

It’s a champagne-fuelled existence here at Fab Towers at the minute. With a hectic schedule of lunches, drinks and dinners, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to fit in that tiny little detail called work. Must try harder – or not, maybe. It is summer after all.

Having sunk a record number of champagne and rose syrup cocktails at the Roofgarden Bar of the Trafalgar Hotel on Friday night, it’s set the tone for a relentless pace of fizz consumption that shows no signs of abating. When the bubbly is flowing, I have absolutely no sense of self-restraint. Well, if you’ve got to have a poison, they don’t come better than that!

For a little balance, I’ve been ferreting around looking at healing in various traditions – always handy when dealing with Olympic standard hangovers – and came across a fascinating piece by Serge Kahili King, author of Urban Shaman.

He describes the four ways of keeping a positive focus to manifest your desires in the Hawaiian Huna tradition, encapsulated in the word haipule.

Ha means life, breath and spirit. To use the power of ha, King recommends to “breathe deeply and get emotionally excited about while thinking about what you want … when you lose focus, breathe deeply to get back into the present and start again”.

I means to speak, so it’s important to “describe what it is that you want, aloud or silently”. King counsels to pay attention when you find yourself speaking negatively about what you want and to learn to stop, breathe and return to a positive focus when this occurs.

Pu means to issue forth or appear like smoke. According to King, “This is a poetic description of imagination. Imagine what you want in as much sensory detail as you can.”

Le means to move. King advises to embody the feelings of having already received what you want and to act that way. He suggests “Whenever you are thinking or speaking about what you want, assume a positive posture and move in confident ways. When you find yourself feeling depressed, helpless or disillusioned in relation to what you want, stop, take a deep breath and change your posture or the way you move into a more positive and confident mode.”

It’s not necessary to take each step of Haipule whenever you’re focusing on what you want to create, but each one builds on the other and helps to maintain a positive focus. As the Huna believe, energy flows where attention goes. If you want to create more happiness, abundance, love or friendship in your life, a focus of positive attention will help to draw it towards you.

This week, pick something you’d really like to bring into your life and commit to trying the Haipule creative process for fourteen days. Pay attention when your energy drops and focus on breathing deeply and returning your mind to what you want to create – rather than what you don’t want. It’s a particularly Western way to focus more on lack than on what you actually want to bring into your life. Try a little Hawaiian magic and see what you can conjure up …

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 7 Aug 07)

2008-10-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

Inspiration Break

Over lunch in Covent Garden today with my friend Kate – the fabulous crystal healer recommended by Vogue – we were talking about how inspiring it is to hear Michael Beckwith speak. I’d come across his writing in a couple of compilations of spiritual essays and his words were always the most soulful, full of enormous devotion and power.

Of course he’s now much more well-known since appearing in the DVD of The Secret and in that context too he’s a shining light in a field of spiritual snake-oil salesmen. He approaches the subject of The Secret by making clear that it’s a very beginner’s approach to what he calls ‘affirmative thinking’, which can be used to create a life that is abundant in so many ways more than just money.

This short clip of an interview with Rev Beckwith is a masterclass in what The Secret leaves out, so I hope you enjoy it as much as Kate and I did …

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7938957

You won’t find it in the video, but one of my favourite Beckwith quotes is a question to ask yourself whenever you’re in troubled times. It’s a reminder that if your aim is happiness, your first goal needs to be keeping your interior world on an even keel. This week, try this question on for size wherever in your life things are not going to plan: “If this crisis were to last forever, what qualities would I have to grow to have peace of mind?”

Finally, Saturday Night Live have gifted us with a genius send-up of Oprah and The Secret all rolled up into one hilarious package. Life’s no fun if you take yourself too seriously, so enjoy this not-so-gentle parody of all things self-help …

Video no longer available

Click through to the Coach Fabulous advice column by using the link in the Favourite Sites section on the right or by going to http://coachfabulous.blogspot.com. For alert emails on new postings, email subscribe@iamfabulous.co.uk. To contact me, email coachfabulous@iamfabulous.co.uk. All material © 2007 Alison Porter. No article may be reproduced in full or in part without the express permission of the author. (Originally posted 31 Jul 07)